To just not really have my kids ‘ under control ‘ a lot of the time.. 3 and 5 years old

[jomek]

I don’t really know how to describe it in detail. I will try.

I just don’t know if it’s normal, or if I’m just not very good at being a mum.

But I just feel like my kids are often just NOT LISTENING to me at all.

the simplest things, become a massive thing.

like when I pick them up form school. They’re always running off, rolling around on the grass and just generally not listening. God forbid I try to have a conversation with a teacher or something, they just constantly run off. I am often left chasing after them.

it’s so embarrassing.

at home it’s similar with all sorts of stuff. The only way they ever listen is if I really shout. I hate to do it and they get upset. But they’re just running rings around me constantly. I try to get them to bed and they spend a good 10 minutes just racing around/ chasing each other laughing / running away from me.

I can’t take them anywhere by myself really as I just don’t trust them not to just wonder off. I take them to the shop after school sometimes and it’s like herding sheep. It’s all quite stressful. I just wish they’d listen.

am I expecting to much?

"A bit of spirit" typically means an unruly, destructive, spiteful child.

Us too. I hate this notion that if you have a wilful kid you are a sh!t parent. I parent my 4 year old* *much harder than the parents of some of his more easy going, compliant class mates. I still feel like I am parenting a toddler I work so hard with him, I never switch off largely through fear of being judged by parents who have no idea how lucky they are.

edited for weird layout

Can small children really be spiteful ? That’s a bit strong.

Definitely by 3.

Mine are 2 and 3 and honestly I’m always treading water. They don’t listen at all, trash my house constantly, run off. Doesn’t matter what I do they don’t take a bit of notice.

Your not alone!

Hold their hands FIRMLY when they try to run off OP. You're stronger than they are, and if they say you're hurting them, just say 'I wouldn't be hurting you, if you stand still like I told you to', and continue to hold on firmly.

Are you one of those Mums who if you're holding a conversation with an adult, and your child wants your attention, you straight away interrupt your conversation, and give them the attention they are demanding? If that's the case, you need to stop the conversation, and tell your child that you're talking at the moment, and they will get their turn when you've finished. Then when you've finished saying what you wanted to say, make a point of turning to your child, and saying 'right, your turn now, what did you want?' Do this every single time they interrupt you, and you'll soon find that they'll begin to wait their turn. What so many parents seem to forget, is that it is our job to teach our children how to behave, NOT just let them do whatever comes naturally. So that's what you need to do OP, teach them what you expect, and DON'T give in just because they shout, scream, or generally make a nuisance of themselves. At some point, their life could depend on doing what you tell them, when you tell them, so if you don't teach them to listen to you, then you could be the one weeping, when your youngster goes under a car. Think about it, and remember the next time they misbehave, that it's YOUR job to teach them, you're the adult, and you know best.

This thread has actually really helped me because it’s so easy to think MN have perfectly behaved, compliant children. I mean, I always suspected this was not the case but this thread confirms it!

Bribery and hissed threats. Take heart OP, mine absolutely ran rings round me. They were joyful anarchists and I was a teacher 🙂 but they have grown up to be the most wonderful grown ups. Have to say I'm rather relishing the prospect of , if they have children themselves, that phone call when they say Mum, I can't do anything with them.

I just had to respond to this, this is exactly how I felt with DS, I always had to be "on", he also never slept as much the books said he should. He is 21 on course for a 1st class degree STEM subject from Oxbridge, plays football (captain) , rugby and skis for the college. Is actually organising the ski trip this coming winter. He is also polite, kind and has a wonderful girlfriend. Last time he was home he actually said " I wasn't easy to parent was I?" and he is right he wasn't. Great efforts however produce great rewards.

I am definitely not one of those mums that just stops having a conversation to listen to my kid.

and you’re very right that they have to learn to listen better for exactly the reason you’re describing.

regarding holding their hands firmly, the little one especially just throws himself on the ground.

Do this every single time they interrupt you, and you'll soon find that they'll begin to wait their turn

Ive been doing this for 2 years with DS1. Every single time, without fail. I’ve even been known to stand and carry on talking to sympathetic people while he shouts at me, because he just won’t wait.

Despite this, he still interrupts my conversations. So please don’t imply it’s so simple and us idiots with kids that take more work don’t know the basics of parenting.

3 year olds are not spiteful.

How old is he?

Same here. I always ignore them. Then they start running off, which is the only thing that makes me leave the conversation as I need to keep them safe. They know that, so that’s what they do.

They very much can be.

4, nearly 5.

I would definitely get backpack rains for both of them. DS was a runner and I even lost him in the supermarket once as he ran off and hid.

But outside walking I always had his backpack on. Even at 5, by then I didn't use the lead but they have a handle on the back that you can grab them by. Saved him diving into a river a few times.

Also the car thing, I once left DS in the car as he wouldn't get out. I just said fine you stay here then and went in the house, only left him for a few minutes and was watching from the house the whole time. But he was happy to get out when I came back. He didn't do it again as was aware I would quite happily leave him. The car was locked he couldn't get out.

He has.never been a child that you could bribe unfortunately so this never worked for us.

It was a bit of a shock to have a runner after DD who had always been happy to just hold my hand.

So half his life, the first half, he wasn't parented in a way where he wasn't constantly centred. It will take some time to reverse that. Especially at his young age.

Wow what a helpful post. You are clearly perfect.

Oh for goodness sakes, I used 2 years as a rough ball park - is ‘since he could speak’ better?

Im a good parent. If you are just going to criticise please just move along. God I so hope you get an unruly one if you are planning on having more DC.

I wouldn’t believe a word that MyOlive says, if she thinks 3 year olds are spiteful. That’s just weird. It says a lot about you as a person really and just shows you have zero idea about children.

Thank you for this. His reception teacher has already said he is extremely bright and working way ahead of what would be expected. So there is hope!

You know what else helps? Having people around you who will reinforce what you're saying. So say I'm talking to my sister and a kid inappropriately interrupts, both of us will tell the child to wait. It doesn't matter if it's her child, my child, a visiting child or another relative. None of us will have it.

Sometimes when a friend tells your child that they're out of line in a stern voice and you back it up, they're embarrassed into listening. But then you can't be the type of parent who won't let other people tell their kids what to do (within reason).

Queue next comment from MyOlive describing all herself as a childhood psychologist or teacher or something. It’s coming.. predictable next post coming up.

I don't think all 3 year olds are spiteful, I think a 3 year old can be spiteful. They can know what they're about to do will cause distress and/or physical pain, and still do it. That's being spiteful.

Believing that your child is incapable of being willfully mean to other people is how a lot of children get away with so much for so long.