Am I a neglectful parent for this?

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I have a 2yo daughter and heavily pregnant with our 2nd, suffering with awful sciatica and SPD which I attend physio for.

DH runs his business and is usually out 7am-6pm.

Once or twice a week, the pain gets too much and by 2pm I go and lay in the bath. For context, we live in a new build flat, the bathroom is opposite DD’s bedroom and next to the office/utility room and 2 doors away from the open plan living room/kitchen.

I go around and close any open windows, all cupboards in the kitchen and the oven have safety catches/locks on them. Shut my bedroom door. She can literally either sit on the sofas, play with toys or go into her bedroom and play with toys in there. Our front door is locks automatically but I put the bolt on too.

I leave the bathroom door open and she goes between coming into the bathroom with me and playing with bath toys in my bath water and playing/chatting to the living room or her bedroom. Medicines are stored up in a locked medical box on top of a tall unit in the office/utility.

I put Ms Rachel or Peppa Pig on, fill her water bottle and soak in the bath for 30 minutes.

Somehow it came up in convo with MIL about how I’m struggling with my back and only thing that eases it is a bath so sometimes I have one in the middle of the day (normally if we’ve had a busy morning at the park or gone for a walk or met with friends at soft play).

She text DH last night to say it’s neglectful and anything could happen to DD and I’ve never had my parenting questioned so this has naturally upset me, hormones are probably not helping.

DH messaged her back telling her that I am and always have been an excellent mum and he won’t have my choices questioned by her and she read it and didn’t respond.

So, I’ve come to Mumsnet to ask if AIBU for doing this or do people think there is no harm in it? Im
now questioning myself.

After many years as a childminder I have lost count of the number of times we are told not to leave children unattended at all, accidents happen at any time.

This absolutely wouldn't have been safe with either of mine at that age, or even my three year-old now.

But you know your own child and have taken precautions that you feel are enough. Your husband agrees.

I personally wouldn’t do it but if you’re certain she’s safe then it’s your call.

Yes I would do this, your flat is child proof and she sounds like the sort of kid who just potters about a bit and won't cause havoc. I understand why some people wouldn't though, I probably wouldn't have done it with 2 of my 4 kids but would have with the other 2.

i definitely wouldn’t class it as neglectful but I also couldn’t relax! I have a two year old and he would be up to all kinds of mischief if left to his own devices for half an hour, yours must be much better behaved than mine! You know your home and layout and know what is safe so as long as there’s nothing that can harm her it should be fine.

my 2 year olds bedroom is 100% baby proofed, no heavy furniture as he has a dressing room, floor bed, fluffy rug, some toys and books and that’s about it. When I need to cook dinner/get a shower and get dressed or otherwise just need 10 minutes, I stick him in there with baby gate across the door, and watch what he’s upto on the baby monitor, he’ll potter about and play and look at books for a good 30 minutes before getting fed up and shouting for me. Maybe if you stuck a baby monitor somewhere so you could watch what she was up to and could intervene quickly if necessary you would feel better?

If she’s really all that concerned (which I highly doubt) then she can come and help you out a bit and watch DD, if not then she can keep her opinions to herself. Good on your DH. Don’t dwell on it XX.

No difference from being sat on the sofa while she does the same stuff. Being wet and naked won’t really matter if you need to get up and help / grab her.

Once when my daughter was 2, I went to the bathroom alone. 5 minutes later the doorbell rings and I see a stranger on the doorbell cam holding her. She had unlocked the door, wandered outside, pantsless in cold weather, down to the curb, and thankfully the passing neighbor saw and collected her. I spent a good hour just crying and praying after that, I was so shook up.

I also made sure she memorized our names and address after that, as soon as she could. We are still working on a phone number.

It’s your own judgment call you know your child
personally
our oldest no way he’s a fiddler be into everything
our youngest absolutely sounds like your DD very chilled and very happy to entertain themselves

Honestly? I think 2 is way too young to be left on her own to roam the flat. Also, if you are pregnant and struggling with your mobility, you won’t be able to get up out of the bath quickly if something happens - and that’s going to get worse as your bump grows. That’s very different to sitting watching her play from the sofa.

It takes seconds for something to happen. She could trip and bump her head. If she’s knocked out you’re not going to hear a sound - and your five-minute check-in leaves a very long window for her to be left bleeding and unconscious.

Choking, climbing…..there’s always a first time, especially as she’s getting older and more curious. Something is on a shelf/out of reach and she wants it?

Even the most beautifully-behaved toddlers can be mischievous imps sometimes.

I guess the question is, if you left her with a childminder who said they spent 30minutes in an adjacent room, with your DD able to roam around various “safe” rooms without supervision - would you be happy? Would you consider it to be neglectful?

Honestly not trying to have a pop. I was a single mum with premature twins - I absolutely understand the difficulty, I really do. But as you’re asking for honest thoughts, I think this has the potential to go badly wrong. Little children have a habit of turning even the safest spaces into a bloody war zone 😂🤦🏻‍♀️

If you really feel that this is ok to do 🫣🫣 at the absolute absolute minimum I’d say @Motherofdragons24 suggestion to get a baby monitor so you can watch her is a good one.

Agree with @SpidersAreShitheads

I think it is the potential for things to go wrong that would always be a worry for me.

I am a single mum and I can't leave my toddler alone unfortunately. He will leap off sofas, take apart toys, crawl into tiny spaces and get stuck and also attempt to pull down furniture. One PP above has made me realise he is old enough to open the front door now and probably would attempt it 🤔for months prior to this he just sat reading books if I left him alone so the change was quick.

I usually shower at night or early morning whilst he is sleeping with the baby monitor in the bathroom or stick him in the travel cot (which he hates) or put him in the bathroom with me (which I hate). It's the only way I can get peace of mind.

I thought about this some more…

Heavily pregnant?
and
severe sciatica?

I wouldn’t have a bath without another adult in the house let alone on my own with my 2 year old roaming freely

It really depends on the DC.
I would easily get away with it with DD as a two year old, there wouldn't be a chance, I'd have got away with it when DS was 2, he would have found something to cause mischief or damage himself.

I'd worry she'd climb up in the sofa awkwardly and fall or in a dining room chair and fall. Or find something I hadn't noticed. I'd have her playing on the bathroom floor with me or at most shut all doors and have her in clear hallway playing with bathroom door open.

You must have a large bathroom. Wouldn't fit a playpen in mine

Yes it is - getting out of a bath is harder than getting up from a sofa without being pregnant and having sciatica

Personally I don’t think this is risk free of course it isn’t - it relies a lot of a chilled toddler (who can easily figure something out) and she simply can’t get to her quickly if she needs to.

i think the MIL was harsh in implying it is neglectful becuase it isn’t but it is balancing out risks and it isn’t without them

that said chilled was never a word you could apply to either of mine and in different ways they would have found trouble or made a mess!

My concern is around what if you get stuck in the bath? Perhaps you could lie on the bed with a warmish heat pad underneath you instead?

Sciatica is a bastard so you have my utmost sympathies.

Are some people watching their 2year old 24/7?! OP sound absolutely fine to me, and no different to me sitting in the lounge watching TV while my 2 year old plays in the play room. By 2yo, unless you have a child who climbs and destroys things I don't see why you need to be constantly with them. Let them play independently, they know where you are, and you can hear them

Good on your husband. What a ridiculous thing to tell tales on, why didn’t she just offer to help. Backfired a bit on her didn’t it!

In your shoes I would pissed off too.

It's not the concern for your daughter's well-being or even being critical of your parenting decisions, that really angers me. Adults should be able to express their concerns or constructive criticism, but that's not what she did. It's the fact that she said nothing to you, but texted your husband that your are basically a horrible mother and that he should do something, as though you are in his employ.

What your mother in law demonstrated is a disdain, disrespect and misogynistic attitude toward you. I would be wary of her from now on.

I was on bed/sofa rest for 3 months of my second pregnancy. DD1 was between 16 months and 19 months at this time. My parents took her out for an hour or so every day but other than that we couldn’t leave the house except to go to hospital appointments.
I also had SPD so I could hardly walk for the 2 months after the bed/sofa rest finished so we could still barely do anything.

I felt horribly guilty and worried about the impact on DD1. But you do what you have to to get through these things. It sounds like you’re taking sensible precautions. Don’t listen to your MIL, your DH is right.

So outside of the door? Close enough to see with the door open..

Nope, as long as everything is toddler proofed, you're daughter is mature enough to no do something like pole vault across the coffee table, and the door is wide open so you can hear, it's fine. It's actually teaching her independence while in a controlled environment. I've done this with showers with all three of mine (1, 5, and 9).

If you're concerned, you can get some decent, affordable security cameras online and just have them running on your phone beside you like baby monitors, except way more affordable.

You MIL making these claims is no different than saying leaving your child sleeping in their room by themself while you're in the living room or washroom is neglect. And neglect is a very serious accusation.

In light of the fact that your MIL is saying something so potentially damaging (what if she calls child's services and makes these ridiculous claims) I would consider limiting or even stopping contact. I know that sounds drastic, but she's making a very serious accusation that's not true and could be very damaging for your children. What if the authorities show up and remove your toddler and newborn and they spend six months in foster care while you're proving you did no such thing because your MIL called claiming you're leaving them "unsupervised"? I think continuing a relationship with her in light of these accusations would be dangerous to the children.

The obvious thing for her to do if she was concerned was to say as you are struggling with your back can I pop over on x day and take the little one to the park and pop back with lunch for us all? Then you could rest whilst they were out.
So instead of offering to do something useful she has criticised what you are doing.

Need to set boundaries with your mother in law . Sounds like she trying to stir up shit. Everyone has an opinion, but sometimes those opinions should be kept to yourself.