Am I a neglectful parent for this?

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I have a 2yo daughter and heavily pregnant with our 2nd, suffering with awful sciatica and SPD which I attend physio for.

DH runs his business and is usually out 7am-6pm.

Once or twice a week, the pain gets too much and by 2pm I go and lay in the bath. For context, we live in a new build flat, the bathroom is opposite DD’s bedroom and next to the office/utility room and 2 doors away from the open plan living room/kitchen.

I go around and close any open windows, all cupboards in the kitchen and the oven have safety catches/locks on them. Shut my bedroom door. She can literally either sit on the sofas, play with toys or go into her bedroom and play with toys in there. Our front door is locks automatically but I put the bolt on too.

I leave the bathroom door open and she goes between coming into the bathroom with me and playing with bath toys in my bath water and playing/chatting to the living room or her bedroom. Medicines are stored up in a locked medical box on top of a tall unit in the office/utility.

I put Ms Rachel or Peppa Pig on, fill her water bottle and soak in the bath for 30 minutes.

Somehow it came up in convo with MIL about how I’m struggling with my back and only thing that eases it is a bath so sometimes I have one in the middle of the day (normally if we’ve had a busy morning at the park or gone for a walk or met with friends at soft play).

She text DH last night to say it’s neglectful and anything could happen to DD and I’ve never had my parenting questioned so this has naturally upset me, hormones are probably not helping.

DH messaged her back telling her that I am and always have been an excellent mum and he won’t have my choices questioned by her and she read it and didn’t respond.

So, I’ve come to Mumsnet to ask if AIBU for doing this or do people think there is no harm in it? Im
now questioning myself.

You’re better than me, I won’t even have any battery operated toys at all! Heebies is the right word.

I think this. Out of sight would scare me. I would not overthink this though and good for your husband for supporting you.

She text DH last night to say it’s neglectful and anything could happen to DD and I’ve never had my parenting questioned so this has naturally upset me, hormones are probably not helping.
DH messaged her back telling her that I am and always have been an excellent mum and he won’t have my choices questioned by her and she read it and didn’t respond.

Good. I'm so glad he's got your back. What she said was completely uncalled for, not very empathic and none of her business anyway.

You should also text her yourself and say 'after yesterday's message unfairly criticising me to DH, I hope you understand that I'm going to be much more careful about what I share with you in future. So don't be surprised if our chats are shorter, less frequent and lacking in much detail from now on. Kind regards.'

My only concern would be the amount of trust you are putting into her being chilled given that from experience chilled can quickly disappear!

how quickly can you get to her if she does call out?

At that age I would bring mine to the bath room with me. I bring my 3 year old into the bathroom with me still he sits in his little seat playing while I take a bath.
No way I could leave him to run around outside the room he would find away of hurting himself. Bang his head off a wall. Jump of his bed, climb on the windowsill. If he want a climber he might be safe to run around but until then he can come into the bathroom with me.

Your child is safe so enjoy your bath. I was obviously a terrible mother as i used to leave mine when i cooked, made beds, brought the washing in, hoovered etc How on earth they all made it to adulthood i will never know.

You’re fine as you are. I had a very easy toddler who didn’t climb etc so I totally get that you’ve judged that she’s safe to potter about. Given she pops in and out of the bathroom is fine. I could have a shower knowing that if all baby gates were shut, doors etc were shut that my DD would potter about playing and come into the bathroom to say ‘hi’ every now and then.

I’d go so far as to say you are helping her understand calm time and independent play time. Much worse to be sat on an iPad x

its Not neglectful at all and I hope your DH puts his mum in her place.

On the one hand I think your dh is being great for sticking up for you but I also wouldn’t feel comfortable being in the bath for that long with a toddler. I am not someone who was always attached at the hip and did other jobs while my children played but they can surprise you when you least expect it and in a bath you risk not hearing/seeing them for long enough for them to get in trouble.

I say this as someone who had a scare myself so am absolutely not preaching. Child had always been an angel and very easy. Unbeknownst to me she’d worked out how to unlock doors…

Do two-year-olds really need iPads these days?

Thanks again everyone for all of the different opinions.

I think I will address this with MIL when I see her at the weekend. She probably didn’t expect DH to repeat it but unlucky for her, he has great loyalty to me.

I have no doubt that I probably won’t get as lucky with baby no 2 and they will be a little whirlwind who I won’t be able to leave unattended. This will be our last baby regardless!

Not at all neglectful. You are still with her but just laying in the bath. You can hear/ see her and she can get to you.

Parents don’t take their child to the toilet with them or drag them around when they vacuum.

MIL is daft.

It’s absolutely fine! You sound like you’ve thought of everything and your 2 year old is happy pottering about no problem whatsoever

I also welcome the kind criticism if you can call it that, I don’t feel criticised but can’t find the right word, you are all right in all different ways but I know for definite for example that DD would not be able to climb onto a windowsill as nothing is beneath them other than our kitchen units which she’d have to climb like a spider to get up and our front door is double locked and the bolt is high, I can only just reach it at 5ft 3. I get that choking on something etc could be a risk, although I’d never leave her with food unattended and only large toys and I call out to her if she’s quiet for a few minutes, we are lucky that we have no neighbours above or below us, just one next door to us who’s very quiet so I can hear everything from any room I’m in. I also leave DD to play whilst I put laundry away etc and have never really thought otherwise about it.

You sound far from a neglectful mum.

Sorry you’re struggling with pain.

You've risk-assessed the situation. It all sounds fine to me.
I had an 18 months old and was v pregnant. Every afternoon I would pop Disney Cars on the DVD, give 18mo some rice cakes, lie on the sofa and sleep for 90 minutes.
No harm befell him.
He would wake me up when the film ended.
It's still his favourite film (he's 17 now!).

She will be fine, Mrs Large leaves all three of her kids unsupervised to go have a bath (in 5 minutes peace).
In seriousness my only worry would be to have a phone in reach incase you can’t get out!

Also, I think I may be a little bit triggered by this because I did have a neglectful childhood (addict parents) and was put in danger many many times and did come to harm on a few occasions. I’ve worked really hard in therapy since my early teens and managed to break the cycle and pride myself on my children always being safe and loved and at peace in our home so it’s just made me very tearful.

MIL is being unreasonable in what she said to your DH but I'd also look at it from her perspective. Think about how much you love your child, a grandparents love might be different but still intense but also with the difference that they have no control so if they hear something that they worry about possibly they say something that is irritating for you but it's coming from a place of love/worry. If she's generally ok, I would give her the benefit of the doubt and maybe just explain DC is safe.

You are absolutely NOT a neglectful mother for doing that in those circumstances - you are taking many measures to make sure she is safe.Only way I would say it COULD be neglectful was if you were in danger of falling asleep in the bath....that could be dangerous for you AND for her...is that perhaps what MIL had concerns about?

@Anon501178no way would I fall asleep, if I felt tired I wouldn’t get in. I keep my phone in my hand, scroll Facebook or Mumsnet whilst soaking so always have reach of my phone if I need to call DH for whatever reason while in there 😊

No you're not neglectful. You seem to have everything covered.
My DH had sciatica and he in agony. Never known him suffer so much. So I really sympathise with you for that especially when heavily pregnant.
If it helps you then I would keep doing what you're doing.

@UpToonGirlI won’t go in all guns blazing, I’m not the confrontational type but I will explain that she is welcome to text me if she is concerned and reassure her that DD is safe.

I personally wouldn't leave a 2 year old alone for 30 minutes. They'd be in the bathroom with me.
But if I was the mil , I'd be offering to take your 2 year old out for an hour in the afternoon so you could relax properly ( assuming no work commitments).