Am I a neglectful parent for this?

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I have a 2yo daughter and heavily pregnant with our 2nd, suffering with awful sciatica and SPD which I attend physio for.

DH runs his business and is usually out 7am-6pm.

Once or twice a week, the pain gets too much and by 2pm I go and lay in the bath. For context, we live in a new build flat, the bathroom is opposite DD’s bedroom and next to the office/utility room and 2 doors away from the open plan living room/kitchen.

I go around and close any open windows, all cupboards in the kitchen and the oven have safety catches/locks on them. Shut my bedroom door. She can literally either sit on the sofas, play with toys or go into her bedroom and play with toys in there. Our front door is locks automatically but I put the bolt on too.

I leave the bathroom door open and she goes between coming into the bathroom with me and playing with bath toys in my bath water and playing/chatting to the living room or her bedroom. Medicines are stored up in a locked medical box on top of a tall unit in the office/utility.

I put Ms Rachel or Peppa Pig on, fill her water bottle and soak in the bath for 30 minutes.

Somehow it came up in convo with MIL about how I’m struggling with my back and only thing that eases it is a bath so sometimes I have one in the middle of the day (normally if we’ve had a busy morning at the park or gone for a walk or met with friends at soft play).

She text DH last night to say it’s neglectful and anything could happen to DD and I’ve never had my parenting questioned so this has naturally upset me, hormones are probably not helping.

DH messaged her back telling her that I am and always have been an excellent mum and he won’t have my choices questioned by her and she read it and didn’t respond.

So, I’ve come to Mumsnet to ask if AIBU for doing this or do people think there is no harm in it? Im
now questioning myself.

Wouldn’t be on phone in bath. It’s dangerous could electrocute you🙈definitely that bit not safe

You don’t sound neglectful but I would caution leaving her alone even if she is a very chilled child. You really don’t know what could happen. I had a similar experience as a child and all was fine until one day I swallowed a handful of money. No idea why I decided that was a smart idea! But kids do weird things right? We spent a night in hospital trying to dislodge an old 5p from my throat..

I do very similar also with a 2 year old. The only thing I can think of is she is imagine you locking your dd out and lounging in a bubble bath and a bucket of champagne 🥰

I don't think there's anything wrong with it OP so if you're happy and 2YO is happy who gives a fudge what MIL thinks?!

The only thing I'd be careful of is that you're able to escape quickly out of the bath if there is a problem with your 2YO. I say this only because my back goes occasionally and once or twice I've seized up terribly in the bath and had to get dh to pull me out 🤣 I presume you also have your phone or something next to you if you really needed it for such a situation.

I've dropped my phone in the bath multiple times and never been zapped. 🤣

What a great response from your husband!
It's refreshing to see a man sticking up for his wife to his family.

You've clearly done a thorough risk assessment and literally everything that could happen to your DC in this time you are in the bath could also happen if you were on the toilet so what are you expected to do, never poo or pee unless there's another adult to have eyes on DC?

I'd say at least 50% of my parenting is done with my ears not my eyes (hence why I hate Christmas, too many new toys and noises I need to try and work out what I'm listening to until at least mid Jan lol)

If you were getting in the bath without doing your risk assessment, making sure doors and windows are locked, no meds lying around etc then sure that's not great and I'd be concerned, but you are so crack on and ease the pain. Surely not getting in the bath and being in pain potentially making you grumpy and less able to be mobile to respond to a random emergency is the more shit parenting choice!

Same id shut the kid in the bathroom with me but I'm hugely overparanoid from the awful injuries I've seen with kids admitted to work

I think this is absolutely fine, it's ok to trust your own judgement.

You will know your own DC best. I could have done this with my eldest but not my youngest. As long as you're confident that she is safe there is nothing wrong with it and it is not neglectful. I think the expectation to be entertaining children every minute of the day is too much, some independent play time is good for them.

Sciatica when pregnant can be unbearable.
How deeply unhelpful her remark was.
You sound like a loving mother doing her best.
Yes I think she was probably lashing out about the birthday.
How unpleasant and unkind of her.
Best of luck.

But if I was the mil , I'd be offering to take your 2 year old out for an hour in the afternoon so you could relax properly ( assuming no work commitments)

Exactly. Instead of moaning to her son, she could offer to help if possible. That’s what a decent family member would do instead of talking to someone else about it.

Where on earth does one find a 2 year old happy to play and potter while their mum soaks in the bath? At that age, both of my feral boys would have either screamed to get in, tried to climb something inappropriate, tried to chuck the most inappropriate toy in or just generally tried to find a way to kill themselves/me.

But if your DD is placid and isn’t distressed it is absolutely fine! Enjoy yourself OP!

Sounds fine to me, provided you know you can get yourself out of the bath quickly should you need to!

Like some PPs, I wouldn't do it. I'd just keep her in the bathroom with me. IME 2-year-olds can sometimes get up to mischief (i.e., manage to do something dangerous) as soon as they are not actively supervised. It's often something they have never done before, just to keep us on our toes! 😅

But if you're happy with the situation, that's all that matters. You've assessed the risks, you know your child best.

Why doesn’t your MIL offer to look after your dd once a week instead of cliping on you? Not very kind.

I hope you feel better OP. You’re going through a tough time. My advice would be to limit what you share with MIL moving forward. I think it is unforgivable (and unwise) to try to create division between a couple like this… snide entitlement to criticize you to your husband.

🤣🤣🤣have you? It’s something I’m paranoid about obviously… but more for when I’m bathing my daughter no electricity near her bath!🫠

if she’s in and out, it’s all one level and you can hear her then it’s no different to her playing in her room with you popping in and out.

You know your child and your house, your husband agrees. You are both the ones who know best.
I love that your Dh has your back.

I'm glad it works for you, and you seem to have a response for every eventuality... however, it's not something that I would ever do. I remember when I completed a paediatric first aid course and the course leader asked "how long do you think you can leave a baby or toddler unattended". The answer was "not at all" and he then went on to list accidents/injuries that he had responded to. I think a 2 year old is too little, they do unpredictable things. I'm aware that you can't have eyes on your children every minute of every day, but 30 minutes lay in a bath is little different putting a wash on or nipping to the loo.

I'd be side eyeing the MIL here. My MIL would be offering to come entertain/take out her grandaughter while I lay in the bath. Not laying the boot in my parenting! You're in pain because you're pregnant with her grandchild FFS.

I don't think it's "neglectful", but if I'm being totally honest it's a level of risk that I wouldn't personally be comfortable with.
I work with children and families so I know all too well that even the most "chilled out" 2 year olds who are not usually prone to mischief can just decide to do something completely random and dangerous out of the blue one day. You've clearly gone to a lot of effort to risk assess your environment but again, experience tells me that even in the most carefully and conscientiously child-proofed homes there can be unidentified choking hazards/trip hazards/climbing hazards.

Being heavily pregnant with sciatica means you would most likely be slow getting out of the bath if your DD did have some sort of accident and need urgent help.
Ultimately though, your child, your rules. Your DH was absolutely right to tell MIL to mind her own business.

Do not be guilt tripped into not looking after yourself. I think MIL is a little jealous you can do this.

Is she a young 2 yo or closer to 3?

I definitely wouldn’t be doing this tbh. It’s one of those situations where everything is fine, until it really isn’t. A two year old is curious and ultimately we don’t know what their next moves are, however chilled and calm they maybe.

Id perhaps bring her in the bathroom with you, or put a safety gate on her bedroom door.