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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a neglectful parent for this?

156 replies

dil8 · 08/05/2025 15:40

I have a 2yo daughter and heavily pregnant with our 2nd, suffering with awful sciatica and SPD which I attend physio for.

DH runs his business and is usually out 7am-6pm.

Once or twice a week, the pain gets too much and by 2pm I go and lay in the bath. For context, we live in a new build flat, the bathroom is opposite DD’s bedroom and next to the office/utility room and 2 doors away from the open plan living room/kitchen.

I go around and close any open windows, all cupboards in the kitchen and the oven have safety catches/locks on them. Shut my bedroom door. She can literally either sit on the sofas, play with toys or go into her bedroom and play with toys in there. Our front door is locks automatically but I put the bolt on too.

I leave the bathroom door open and she goes between coming into the bathroom with me and playing with bath toys in my bath water and playing/chatting to the living room or her bedroom. Medicines are stored up in a locked medical box on top of a tall unit in the office/utility.

I put Ms Rachel or Peppa Pig on, fill her water bottle and soak in the bath for 30 minutes.

Somehow it came up in convo with MIL about how I’m struggling with my back and only thing that eases it is a bath so sometimes I have one in the middle of the day (normally if we’ve had a busy morning at the park or gone for a walk or met with friends at soft play).

She text DH last night to say it’s neglectful and anything could happen to DD and I’ve never had my parenting questioned so this has naturally upset me, hormones are probably not helping.

DH messaged her back telling her that I am and always have been an excellent mum and he won’t have my choices questioned by her and she read it and didn’t respond.

So, I’ve come to Mumsnet to ask if AIBU for doing this or do people think there is no harm in it? Im
now questioning myself.

OP posts:
IButtleSir · 08/05/2025 16:39

I'd definitely do this- like you, I'd call for her if I hadn't seen her for five minutes or so, and I'd make sure I wasn't playing music or anything so I could hear what she was up to.

nannyl · 08/05/2025 16:39

sounds find to me.

I was pg with HG when my DD was 13 - 21m old.

For the first few months she went to nursery as i couldnt actually look after her or move from my bed, or was in hospital.

from about 16m I was at home with her.... i went to bed and slept when she napped.
During the day I would often have to go and be sick, and would stay at the toilet for as long as it took...

I'd shut her in the playroom with the stair gate closed, leave her to it,(typically with a DVD on) and vomit....

Not pleasant but equally no other real option or alternative.

She was / is fine

Its certainly not neglect...

If there was a problem you would hear and would get out of the bath to investigate.

JIMER202 · 08/05/2025 16:40

Can she go in a play pen? That’s what I do if I need a shower or the toilet when home alone with my 15m old. Your new baby can make use of it too when they arrive! If I was MIL I’d be offering to help, not chastising you. If she’s really upset about you not bringing a 5 day old prem baby to a busy place for dinner then she is an arse.

Merrymouse · 08/05/2025 16:41

Goodness knows how she thinks you will cope with 2 children. Was your husband an only child?

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 08/05/2025 16:41

Usually, on mn, the husband is useless in this situation

Well done to your husband 🙌

Yanbu at all, carry on - i had spd with dd, it was hell!

BlackPantherPrincess · 08/05/2025 16:43

My eldest would have injured himself. My youngest would be absolutely fine. When the second one comes you will be spilt between the two anyway.

KarmaKameelion · 08/05/2025 16:44

Your mil needs to but out!

if you want more piece of mind, we had a arlo baby monitor that I could see on my phone so you can do a quick check in.

hope the pain gets better - hated the spd!!

BrieAndChilli · 08/05/2025 16:46

I was always quite a lax parent but for me it would be the access to the kitchen that would bother me. When I was heavily pregnant with DD I popped to the toilet. DS was 18 months and playing in his bedroom, he managed to get from his bedrooom down the hall, open the kitchen door and find his way into the recyling, badly cutting his finger on a tin. Even with the best will in the world things get left out etc.

Personally I would let her in her bedroom as assume that is all toddler proofed anyway as they sleep in it at night unaccompanied.

BePearlKoala · 08/05/2025 16:46

I definitely did this. At 2 it's fine. An extra precaution you could take is setting up a baby monitor in the room to watch while you're in the bath but honestly you're doing nothing wrong.

Jenkibuble · 08/05/2025 16:47

Oh god, there's always someone who disapproves. I am guessing she would have been of the generation that just puts up and shuts up .

You have risk assessed etc and your toddler sounds safe . Maybe bringing her in to the room with you would be safer - IPAD / stacking cups etc though she may want to join you making it even more uncomfortable.

Good for your OH backing you up

Sciatica is awful - I had it with my first !

BabyMrSun325 · 08/05/2025 16:48

Can we swap babies please? How does one end up with such a chill toddler, I am very impressed.

If the environment has even child proofed, amazing. I see no issues.

All I feel is jealousy 😅😅😅

Sorry about the SPD, I had it so so bad and I spent every weekend of my 3rd trimester crying because I was in pain and no one understood why I wasn't going out.

Bfmamma · 08/05/2025 16:49

It totally depends on your environment and the child. My first I could let roam and for her to do what she wanted as she was a little angel.
Our second I have to lock in the front room or put him in his cot if I want anything more than a wee as he will either cause mayhem, hurt himself or try and put his hand down the toilet and smash the lid repeatedly on my back while I'm trying to poo 🤣
Ignore MIL. You know your child.

rubicustellitall · 08/05/2025 16:50

just wondering if maybe it might help you both if you went to the swimming baths to go in small pool together OP ..you have lots of space and its usually warm? Just thought it might add to make you feel more comfortable in a fun way too for your little one? and offer some much needed pain relief for you ideally x

thejadefish · 08/05/2025 16:51

In part it depends on the child and what their character is like I think. My 2 year old would be perfectly safe under these circumstances and it sounds like yours is too - you know your child best. No, you're not neglectful imo!

Muteswan · 08/05/2025 16:53

This sounds absolutely fine and I can't imagine what planet it would be an issue. I wouldn't have done it with mine as she was (and still is age 4.5) a demonic and needy whirlwind but you know your child and your house and have made a careful choice! Ignore your MIL!

Unrelatedly, I'd love to know what farm you have, I'm looking for one for DD2 and it sounds perfect...

MrsSunshine2b · 08/05/2025 16:59

It's fine, you know where she is and she knows where you are. MIL is being a helicopter.

UpsideDownChairs · 08/05/2025 16:59

Sounds fine to me - open plan flats with little ones are excellent for that. We had a flat when DS1 was little and it was so much easier than DS2 when we had a house and I suddenly had to think about stairs.

You're not abandoning her, I'm sure you can hear where she is, and if she's anything like my 2, she's in and out so often/warbling away to herself so you know where she is - and if she went suspiciously quiet you'd get out and find her.

Overthebow · 08/05/2025 17:01

There’s no way I would leave a 2 year old by herself for 30 minutes. A 4 year old yes but younger no. Could you have a bath in the evening when your DP is home?

Dery · 08/05/2025 17:01

If she’s only 2, for me she’s a bit young to be unsupervised in other parts of the house while you’re in the bath. You’ll be amazed what toddlers can decide to climb on or explore. I would bring stuff into the bathroom and have her there with you but I can see I’m in the minority.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/05/2025 17:02

When mine were 2 they would have climbed out of any playpen I'd put them in and got distressed quickly. If you can hear everything, see some things, and she spends some time in the room with you, and will respond if you shout out to her / come and see you when asked then I think the risks of something happening and you not being aware are minimal

I'd also be pissed off that your mother in law didn't express her concerns at the time or offer to give you a break but instead tried to go and tell your husband

Escapingagain · 08/05/2025 17:05

You know your child. My eldest I could have done this with my youngest definitely not! My eldest would have also probably just followed me for a chat etc. As long as you can see/hear/speak to her from a distance if needed. I would be more annoyed that mil messaged dh and not you I would be fuming. She doesn’t get to give an opinion unless you asked!

user8636283907 · 08/05/2025 17:12

Completely fine. I used to live in an open plan new build apartment and could see/hear my toddlers from the bathroom.

UpToonGirl · 08/05/2025 17:12

Escapingagain · 08/05/2025 17:05

You know your child. My eldest I could have done this with my youngest definitely not! My eldest would have also probably just followed me for a chat etc. As long as you can see/hear/speak to her from a distance if needed. I would be more annoyed that mil messaged dh and not you I would be fuming. She doesn’t get to give an opinion unless you asked!

I was just thinking this, DS1 I did exactly this. He used to stay in he bathroom either on the floor or putting his toys in the bath. Sometimes he would go and play in the living room (we had a downstairs bathroom) but I had proofed it and could hear and see him a bit. DS2, I had no chance of a bath or even shower when he was a toddler unless he was napping.

TunipTheVegimal24 · 08/05/2025 17:15

I'd honestly say it's probably good for your daughter, if anything. Will help with her independence, which will be especially important when baby is here, and she doesn't have your full attention all the time x

PeapodBurgundy · 08/05/2025 17:20

DS was 2 when I was pregnant with DD. I had a difficult pregnancy in a few ways. On a couple of occasions when I was on my knees with exhaustion, I had a nap while he was awake. He was in the bedroom with me, no way for him to get out. The room was toddler proofed, and I brought several toys into the room. I put Thomas the Tank on the TV and sat him on the bed next to me with his sippy cup. One time he dozed off next to me and napped himself, the other time he pottered about and played with the toys. He was safe and happy, and I was right there if he needed me. DS is a very different child to DD. I would NEVER have attempted anything like this with her. Nothing I could do could keep her out of mischief other than watching her like a hawk the entire time she was awake, and still having an eye on her while she was asleep, poised for her to wake up.

Pregnancy can be rough, and you need to take care of yourself and your unborn baby as well as the children you have already. IMHO it's safer for you to have the bath and be more mobile for the rest of the day than it is for you to be less mobile for the entire day. 30 well managed minutes as you are doing is less likely to throw up issues with boredom and 'idle thumbs' than if you're off your feet for most of the day due to the pain and mobility issues.

As PP have said, if your MIL is that concerned, she can come round and entertain your toddler while you have a bath that you actually need for pain relief.