Another parent has reported me to my DD’s school for comment in a WhatsApp group

[Wonderwallafterall]

Hi all,

A bit of an unusual/embarrassing one which I’d welcome your thoughts on.

I am in a Mum’s WhatsApp group with others from my DD’s class. It’s often a useful reminder for things needed the next day and has been used to organise parties/confirm attendance etc.

Usually, a few people will put something in there on a Friday/Saturday such as ‘enjoy your weekend’ and often accompanied by a photo of a glass of whatever they are drinking.

Weekend just gone, someone put a photo of their drink whilst in a bar and said they’d just seen one of the teachers from the older years in there too.

He’s somewhat attractive, let’s just say, and a couple of people replied to that along the lines of ‘no photo of him?!’ and ‘I bet you won’t be leaving in a hurry’.

A friend of mine then replied with something a bit more ‘colourful’ and I followed up with something similar. In my defence, I was drinking and a bit carried away - when I read it back the next day I was mortified.

Anyway, one of the Mum’s left the group and to cut to the chase, I’ve since learnt she has reported the comments to the school. She is usually quiet in there and mainly keeps herself to herself IRL too.

Am I overthinking this but surely other than me being suitably humiliated if the teacher ever learns of what was said, I’ve not actually done anything wrong as commenting on a teacher is not a crime?

I mean this really does fall into the realms of two things being true at once - it's quite grim of you to talk about a man (or anyone like this) but it's also not worth reporting. I am sure it will blow over very quickly but you might want to avoid the teacher for a while (if you're anything like me and would really cringing).

PS: Having actually read what you messaged, that is a bit grim!

because being in a school dads wapp group would be sadder than sad

There’s no threat to a teacher from a parent making a comment in a WhatsApp group, but it’s still creepy.

It’s exactly the same whichever sex is doing the creepy and degrading behaviour. Women either want equality or we don’t. If it’s ok for a group of women to talk about a man as if he’s a sex toy then it’s ok for man to talk about women as if they are nothing more than sex toys too.

I could see myself saying something dirty off guard and after some wine but I’d definitely be removing my child from the school, preferably to another country.

Yes, that was my first thought!

Ok now imagine the roles were reversed and a dad saw a female teacher, and suggested getting her drunk bundling her in a taxi and taking her home…

very different

tbh I think you were way over the line and I’d not want to see that on a group that was supposed to be about kids parties and none uniform days

And none of them would report a dirty comment about a teacher.

Obviously the school has no jurisdiction over what a group of adults say about another adult in a WhatsApp group, so 'reporting' it was nonsensical. What would be very much more serious would be the head, or whoever received this report, allowing it to go any further - I really hope they have more sense than to mention it to the teacher involved or anyone else.

I mean, I think you certainly went a bit too far with your comment. given the nature of the WhatsApp group.

I'm pretty sure if a bunch of dads were making comments on the class WhatsApp about their kids' teacher getting on her knees to suck them off, Mumsnet would be up in arms about it. So I think the comment was really ill-advised, especially on WhatsApp with people you aren't even close mates with.

However, 'reporting it to the school' is absurd (and would be absurd in either scenario). It's a WhatsApp group of parents who can say whatever they like about their kids' teachers, however offensive other parents might find it.

The other mum would have been well within her rights to say 'Oh come on, now, this is really grim, can you not?' or to point out that none of you would want your partners talking about a female teacher that way, etc, but she's a fucking idiot to think it's anything that should be 'reported to the school'.

I mean, what does she expect the school to do about it? Put you in detention?!

It's not a crime to make a sexist/pervy comment about someone in a group of friends/acquaintances and it's none of the school's business what the parents talk about together.

The problem with that sort of thing is you don't know the other persons history. So you might make a joke about what you fancy doing to someone and they'd laugh, or they might be annoyed if they think they aren't attractive and you are making fun of them or they have been abused as a child/teenager and this brings back some trauma.

So if this young man has had some trauma in his life and he says to the Head, I don't want any contact with that woman because of what she said what happens then? Is he entitled to say that, would the Head take any notice, how would they ensure there is no contact. Say he runs the football team is the OP's child banned from the team, if he teaches year 5 what happens when OPs child goes into year 5, what if he's one of the teachers on a school residential can the OPs child go?

Honestly I know it wasn't meant with malice, I understand why people don't like telltales but it could actually be a problem at school.

Just to add that at my children's school a member of staff got into a bit of a situation with one of the dads. She was not allowed outside her office at drop off and collection time, the other mother was uncomfortable going into the school when she was there so special arrangement were made for parents evenings. It all seemed a bit OTT and I don't know if she was pandered to too much but these things can cause awkward situations.

This kind of humour is crude and definitely not for me. Or my friends. Even if I used that kind of humour, there is no way I would put it in writing on a class chat anyway. I am so careful and have taught my young adult kids to be so as well. Careful with friends, never mind acquaintances like a school parent chat.

Having said that, the main ‘villain’ here is the tell-tale mum who reported it. What a sneak. What was she hoping to achieve other than making it uncomfortable for everybody?

One of the things I always used to say to my DC was don't put anything out into the ether that you wouldn't want your head teacher or granny to see! I think this is a classic example of that. 😂

The woman reporting it to the school is a cow. She should have just said on the chat - "Oy, this has gone too far. Sign off now you wine soused mummies and come back and delete in the morning." I'm not sure what she thinks the school will do. Come and supervise a grown adults WhatsApp group!!!!

Oh, the joys of social media🙄

i might make a comment like that after a few wines but only to a closed group of close friends who know my humour and who I know it wouldn’t offend. I’ve got some good friends who I just wouldn’t say it to as they wouldn’t find it funny and would be offended.

i would not say it in a bigger WhatsApp group with acquaintances whom I don’t know well.
its a lesson learned to choose your audience!

Reporting it to school is absolutely OTT but it actually doesn’t surprise me.

You will definitely be talk of the staff room, OP!

God, how embarrassing for you. This is why we don't 🍷and text at the same time isn't it? How did you find out this other Mum reported it to the school?

But why on earth would the head tell him this piece of nonsense hearsay? This isn't information that he/she should have in the first place, let alone pass on to anyone else. The head has actual professional responsibilities, unlike the Tipsy WhatsApp Mums.

Depends on the nature of the whatsapp group.

Our school has semi-official parents whatsapp groups which are set up by the school at the beginning of each term with invites for parents to join. The school has sent out warnings about appropriate use of those groups in the past and I'd expect any comments like OPs would absolutely lead to a note in the next school newsletter.

We've also got some informal smaller groups of school mums which are where all the jokes and gripes get aired - to be honest even in those groups that level of personal remark about a teacher would be seen is as crude and out of line but reporting to the school comments aired in one of those more private groups would be OTT.

Well people, I think some who work in schools, have said it will be the talk of the staff room so unless this particular teacher isn't allowed in the staffroom he is likely to hear about it. In fact if the whole staffroom know about it he might hear about it even if he isn't in the staffroom.

I don’t think that the mum that reported it is a villain, we don’t know her reasons.
If you don’t want stuff to be the talk of the playground then don’t talk about it to school mums.

Well we can all think she's a cow but at the end of the day if the OP hadn't put it on whatsapp no one would have anything to be a cow about. Isn't that why we tell kids to be careful about what they post.

But that's my point - the much more serious issue would be if the head did let it become staffroom gossip. I'd hope they'd have enough sense not to let it get any further than themselves.

Well yes. My kids don’t post that kind of stuff, I have made them so paranoid. No regrets. But this is ‘out there’ now. She could have sent them a private message saying she thought it shouldn’t have been said. Reporting it makes it bigger than needed.

If I was on this group, I would likely have left the group too but I wouldn’t have reported it.

Embarrassing comment but not sure what the school would do about it….how do you know she reported it?