To not want BIL’s partner to come to our house?

[chococooo]

Basically BIL cheated on his long term partner and had two kids with another woman.

The OW followed BIL home one night and knocked on the door when BIL was out and told BIL’s long term partner everything.

The OW was well aware he was living with his long term partner and had kids with her, he made it clear that it was only a fling and he would never leave his partner.

Obviously his partner left him and after abit he had ended up in a relationship with the OW.

I am friendly with with his ex and she is a good woman who went through a lot in her life, she gave BIL a home when he had nothing, to be honest I am very disgusted that he has treated her like this.

Now BIL wants to bring her round our house and introduce herself to our kids ( 1 year old twins).
Apparently she has been begging BIL to meet me and to get friendly etc.

BIL is my OH’s younger brother.

I have no interest in being friendly with this woman, and I certainly don’t want her in my home.
The ex has told me she began stalking her, writing things online about her etc, basically bunny boiler type stuff.

I don’t want to get involved in all BIL’s drama.
I have said to OH that BIL can come round with the kids but that’s it and I won’t be entertaining her at all.

OH feels awkward and doesn’t know how to tell BIL even though he dosent like the woman either.

AIBU?

YANBU. You are not required to have anything to do with his partner BUT your husband gets a say too.

You and your dh agree, so no to her coming round, although given she has his dc, it might things trickier. What do your pil think?

Why does it have to be at your house and not a playground? Cafe?

Has your husband met her?

I wouldn’t want my children around someone who you say has displayed “bunny boiler” behaviour

Interesting BIL said it was only a fling

and has now ended up in a long term relationship with her

Although what the other woman has done is disgusting what about your BIL?
he cheated on his partner and fathered 2 children with the other woman? Is he not to blame in any of this either ?

More interesting that despite her despicable behaviour to his wife and mother of his children…. He got in to a long term relationship with someone like this

I'm not sure why you're hating on the OW here.
Of course bloody BIL said it was "only a fling", do you think he was going to say anything else. But equally do you think that this OW was told it was a fling? After 2 kids?

You may have strong opinions on those who have affairs, and that's absolutely fair and fine. But BIL is the perp here. And you don't know what yarns he spun to this OW.

So feel free to not have her round, your house your guests but personally I think you're a hypocrite for saying she's not welcome but he is

YANBU to feel loyalty to your BILs ex who appears to be the only one who behaved with any dignity in this nasty little story. I’d be going low contact with BIL and I certainly wouldn’t give their relationship the veneer of respectability she’s looking for to validate it, your children don’t need a relationship with her, she sounds disturbed. If your husband wants to see his brother let it be well away from you and your children.

It's a bit confusing but sounds like your DH has additional nieces or nephews that he hasn't met. He should meet then, though neutral territory or their house is fine for this.

It's good to stand by your friend who is now BIL ex, but while you know he was cheating it's worth remembering that you don't actually know the new partner nor her children. She may be perfectly nice, or have simply seemed wobbly because she had kids in an unstable situation. BIL's ex will not be a reliable witness for you here. If it were me, I'd meet her myself before judging what to do next.

How is something that brought about two children a fling. I think you are annoyed with the wrong person here.

Ps is your BIL Kyle Walker? 🤣

It being twins means it could have just been the one unplanned pregnancy (!) rather than a Kyle Walker Lauryn Goodman situation. That's still quite enough mind.

Why do they get to decide to make use of your house? Why can't you go to theirs or meet somewhere neutral if it has to happen? Were you already in the habit of regular get togethers with BIL when he was with his ex?

my attitude would be it’s not your circus not your monkeys and this new woman is the new partner so new “ common law SIL “ so to speak
so I’d just suck it up and get to know her , I’m not keen on my sil but unless she did something to me and my family I don’t feel I can exclude her

The social media crap would rankle me and if i really wanted to avoid I’d make the meet up in a public place and make my excuses not to be there

I have never liked BIL, I always knew he was a sleazy guy and this confirms what a horrible nasty person he is.

Basically it started as casual sex and she ended up getting pregnant with twins.

The first I knew about it was when his ex told me she was being stalked by this woman.

I don’t think I’d want anything to do with either of them. Tell your DH to meet them outside your home if he wants to, but you’re not interested

Yep. I think it’s a case of a man who absolutely cannot be alone. So decided she is better than nothing.

(Also if they have kids it was bound to happen.)

Why would you allow BIL into your home and not ow? He cheated on his wife. Why does he get a free pass, is it because he's a male and related to your DH?

Also, it's none of your business. Focus on your own DH and children and stop being so judgemental and bitter.

YANBU. It’s not your job to host BIL or the OW.

Do you even want BIL in the house?

What do you think about leaving BIL and DH to it? I wouldn’t want to see BIL’s face either. Or do you think it would set a precedent of BIL, OW and dc coming to see DH and effectively pushing you out?

I'd say to permanently paint her as the bad guy who should be terminally shunned isn't the best plan.

I understand you don't like the way she behaved, but there's way more to it than just her. He isn't a glowing example of moral perfection himself?

It's your home, so if course you can ban who you like. But in the long run if they're a couple it's probably a good plan to try and get along and put the past aside.

Ultimately their relationship isn't really something you can influence. Same as yours shouldn't be influenced by other people.

Also people say you a hypocrite if you don’t also distance yourself from BIL but I don’t see that.

You are bound to see BIL as he is a blood relative (your husband’s brother).

She was just is BOTS and now girlfriend. Nothing to do with you.

My father cheated on my mother which ended in them splitting. I have a relationship with my dad because he’s my dad. I don’t have a relationship with his partner (though I am civil.)

Be civil OP but you don’t need to have a relationship with her if you don’t want one.

Because if DH wants his brother in the house then OP likely doesn’t want to make things difficult for her DH.

But the OW is begging to be friends with OP and it’s not OP’s job to befriend her. Especially given the OW has likely been driven mad by BIL’s behaviour.

Dh can conduct his relationship with his db at db's house.. Zero drama at your door is a fine boundary.. Isn't mn all about boundaries?
Glad someone has some morals and loyalty to sil.

@Cctviswatchingme001 I’m not being judgemental as it was made my business as I am pressured to meet a woman who has been stalking my friend with the police now being involved.

@Takersgonnatake Lol