To not want BIL’s partner to come to our house?

[chococooo]

Basically BIL cheated on his long term partner and had two kids with another woman.

The OW followed BIL home one night and knocked on the door when BIL was out and told BIL’s long term partner everything.

The OW was well aware he was living with his long term partner and had kids with her, he made it clear that it was only a fling and he would never leave his partner.

Obviously his partner left him and after abit he had ended up in a relationship with the OW.

I am friendly with with his ex and she is a good woman who went through a lot in her life, she gave BIL a home when he had nothing, to be honest I am very disgusted that he has treated her like this.

Now BIL wants to bring her round our house and introduce herself to our kids ( 1 year old twins).
Apparently she has been begging BIL to meet me and to get friendly etc.

BIL is my OH’s younger brother.

I have no interest in being friendly with this woman, and I certainly don’t want her in my home.
The ex has told me she began stalking her, writing things online about her etc, basically bunny boiler type stuff.

I don’t want to get involved in all BIL’s drama.
I have said to OH that BIL can come round with the kids but that’s it and I won’t be entertaining her at all.

OH feels awkward and doesn’t know how to tell BIL even though he dosent like the woman either.

AIBU?

You are being judgemental @chococooo but in this instance, understandable.

Suggest your OH meets them at a pub/restaurant, if he feels the need.

Definitely not at home though cos then it looks like you are condoning his the BiL's rubbish behaviour

If you feel loyalty/friendship for the ex partner then don't go and don't worry about it

@chococooo you can message BIL and say you have no interest in meeting OW. Your husband can still see him as he wants to. Your husband may want the kids to see each other , which can’t happen without the adults meeting , but he can facilitate that if you don’t want to.

They both sound horrible. I'm glad you're sticking up for your friend, they both have behaved appallingly.
Why should the OW just rock up to your house and hope to be besties?
Wish more people acted like you. It's so common for the betrayed partner to be forgotten about and replaced. You have integrity.

I think you may be missing a key bit of information, or more than one. You say BIL describes his relationship with the OW as ‘only a fling’, but then say he had two children with her. You say the OW followed him home and explained matters to his wife, who ditched him. At what point in this mess did the OW get pregnant with twins? What is the timeline of the stalking?

OP has said that she can't stand her BIL so I presume that any relationship that she has with him is because he is her DH's brother, not because she likes him or thinks that he hasn't behaved badly.

She feels loyalty towards her friend who is being stalked by the OW, so she is perfectly within her rights to refuse to meet her and have a relationship with her. The OW sounds pushy and tone deaf by expecting OP to be friends with her.

"Now BIL wants to bring her round our house and introduce herself to our kids ( 1 year old twins)."

So you have twins, and the OW has twins? Hmmm.

Tricky - there was a similar situation in our friendship group. The man cheated on girlfriend we all loved, but actually him and the other woman have stuck it out and have been together 20 plus years now. It’s hard not to take sides when you like the wronged person! I’d be unavailable I think, and try and put it off until you're more sure its a permanent thing. I sometimes hang about to say hello, then have an emergency I have to leave for if we have visitors I’d rather not get too involved with!

I wouldn't allow either of them to come to my house. Both of the obviously enjoy the drama and I wouldn't want to be sucked into it , as OW could likely turn on you.

I think k the most important thing is to maintain a good relationship with the ex,she needs all the support she can get right now. Those poor kiddies don't deserve this.

How come you're fine with BIL coming over but not the OW?

He's the one who hurt your friend, not her.

So basically this is what happened:

OH and BIL sadly lost their beloved father and it was a real shock to everyone and there was no indication of his declining health to anyone.

Shortly after BIL starts drinking and taking drugs and goes of the rails all whilst his long term partner is supporting him and raising the kids.

BIL has been friends with OW for years and they meet up for a drink etc.
Soon they are sleeping together but apparently BIL makes it very clear that he he won’t leave his partner and it’s only abit of fun.
Soon after she gets pregnant with twins.

Nobody in the family are aware and BIL is leading a double life until one day the OW knocks on the door and tells partner everything.

BIL’s ex did try and stay with him for a bit and the OW just constantly caused trouble, ex decided it wasn’t worth the hassle and left him.

The stalking started shortly after when she found out BIL was trying to win back the ex.

I think what OH will do is meet them in a soft play centre or the park or something as he doesn’t really want her in the house either or to know where we live.

The "poor kiddies" are 2 sets of twin cousins; one pair belong to OP and her DH, the other pair belong to BIL and his girlfriend (previously OW). Those siding with the ex - in years to come she will be a distant memory, but the twin cousins of similar age may want to know why they weren't given a chance to get to know each other.

OP isn't fine with BIL coming over. She doesn't like him at all and has said that:

'I have never liked BIL, I always knew he was a sleazy guy and this confirms what a horrible nasty person he is.'

The OW has been stalking OP's friend (BIL's former partner) and the police have been involved so she doesn't sound very nice at all.

This is definitely the right thing to do if your DH wants a relationship with them. Personally, I wouldn't want anything to do with her in your dh's position, but I'm assuming this is more for the children than anything else.

BIL’s ex did try and stay with him for a bit and the OW just constantly caused trouble, ex decided it wasn’t worth the hassle and left him.
The stalking started shortly after when she found out BIL was trying to win back the ex.
So the original partner was actually male, I can see why that complicated matters slightly. You really need to consider though that the woman pregnant with twins and in a relationship (however complicated) had a right to at least try to make the relationship work. You state situations as though she should have wandered off the scene to leave them to it, while pregnant with twins. It was too late for that.

Yanbu. If you don't want to meet or become friends with his girlfriend , that's your decision. You can also distance yourself from bil and limit yourself to just being civil when it's needed. You don't owe anyone your time or your friendship.

Huh? Who was male??

Eh? Where did that conclusion come from?

BIL’s ex did try and stay with him for a bit and the OW just constantly caused trouble, ex decided it wasn’t worth the hassle and left him.
The stalking started shortly after when she found out BIL was trying to win back the ex.

• sothe original partner was actually male, I can see why that complicated matters slightly. You really need to consider though that the woman pregnant with twins and in a relationship (however complicated) had a right to at least try to make the relationship work. You state situations as though she should have wandered off the scene to leave them to it, while pregnant with twins. It was too late for that.*

???
it’s the OP who has twins
and the oringinal partner was not male
😂

No fucking way. Your husband can see him at the pub if he really wants to see his brother. If my DB did this no way I’d let him in the house. I’d side with my SIL (she’s been in my life since I was 3). Also, this woman sounds like a fucking freak who you should not welcome into your home under any circumstances. Also.. no way would she be anywhere near my kids, hell would freeze over and Jimmy Savile would be doing Disney on ice before I let that woman near my kids.

The issue here is that your BIL is a complete plonker. And so, unsurprisingly, he's in a new relationship with a woman who has questionable morals.

I don't think you can refuse to include her in family things if your BIL is included. But I certainly would be attempting to limit my contact with my BIL as much as possible.

And while the OW is clearly not someone very nice, let's be honest here - your BIL treated her appallingly too and has probably told her 100000 things that are completely bullshit about your exSIL, your family, himself etc.

Why are they not inviting you to their home?

Ah yes, I have mixed up the "him"s in proliferation. So we don't know. Still, the new girlfriend most definitely has twins as well as OP.
Basically it started as casual sex and she ended up getting pregnant with twins.

Don't have her to your house. But when you see her be polite and courteous. This is your bils partner so you need to tread carefully.
Meet them in a pub

BIL sounds dreadful, as does his new partner. I wouldn't want to see either of them, so I think your partner seeing them at softplay or whatever is the best solution.

YANBU at all though. I'd feel the same

If she is stalking someone so badly the Police are involved, I'd just be careful about pissing her off to be honest.