To not want BIL’s partner to come to our house?

[chococooo]

Basically BIL cheated on his long term partner and had two kids with another woman.

The OW followed BIL home one night and knocked on the door when BIL was out and told BIL’s long term partner everything.

The OW was well aware he was living with his long term partner and had kids with her, he made it clear that it was only a fling and he would never leave his partner.

Obviously his partner left him and after abit he had ended up in a relationship with the OW.

I am friendly with with his ex and she is a good woman who went through a lot in her life, she gave BIL a home when he had nothing, to be honest I am very disgusted that he has treated her like this.

Now BIL wants to bring her round our house and introduce herself to our kids ( 1 year old twins).
Apparently she has been begging BIL to meet me and to get friendly etc.

BIL is my OH’s younger brother.

I have no interest in being friendly with this woman, and I certainly don’t want her in my home.
The ex has told me she began stalking her, writing things online about her etc, basically bunny boiler type stuff.

I don’t want to get involved in all BIL’s drama.
I have said to OH that BIL can come round with the kids but that’s it and I won’t be entertaining her at all.

OH feels awkward and doesn’t know how to tell BIL even though he dosent like the woman either.

AIBU?

It’s not hypocrisy for OP to be aware that she can’t stop her DH and BIL’s relationship, but she can choose not to have a relationship with him or the OW.

It’s not OP’s job to host BIL and befriend this woman.

Wobbly bc she had kids in an unstable situation - so she went to purposefully blow up another woman’s situation to make hers unstable and wobbly. She’s a bitch.

The police are involved?

Oh hell no. You don’t want to make friends with a deranged bunny boiler - keep your distance.

I'd give both of them a swerve, does your BIL know about the stalking and police involvement?

No. Tell DH to meet them outside for lunch somewhere.

I definitely wouldn’t have her in my home.

Why can’t you go round to their house?

Surely if they’re so desperate to be involved with the family, then they should be making an effort and inviting you all round.

I would meet (not at yours) but only for the kids sake so they get to know their cousins.

My sister cheated and although I completely disagree with her actions and don’t like her DP, I am pleasant for the kids sake.

Unless she’s absolutely awful to you, then it should be quite easily to be civil.
I would just have firm boundaries like them not coming over to yours and not being over friendly.

Well I wouldn't have either of them anywhere near me!

They're BOTH to blame so BOTH should be NC.

I wouldn't want to meet her either OP.
Stand your ground x

You don't have to meet her and you certainly don't have to have her in your home. If DH is comfortable with you taking things into your own hands, I would message BIL directly and tell him that. Say you would never put yourself between your DH and his brother, but you feel no obligation to be involved with him and his mistress.

The OW was well aware he was living with his long term partner and had kids with her, he made it clear that it was only a fling and he would never leave his partner.

Kudos to his ex for dumping his sleazy ass. Who made him arbiter on fucking around and keeping the relationship 🙄.

Anyhoo- if nothing else, the OW sounds a right nutter - following him home / stalking the ex... I'd want no part of this mess, so wouldn't have her in my home either.

“OH feels awkward and doesn’t know how to tell BIL even though he dosent like the woman either.”

That’s easy……he opens his mouth and says politely that whilst brother and children are welcome to visit his current GF is not! Sorted.

God this is hard. But nope, “I don’t want anyone in my house who is a stalker. She could be dangerous”. If that’s factual then it’s fair enough.
Do the kids all know each other?

He made it clear it was only a fling????? They had two children! You phrase it like it’s a defence of him that he said that.

Agreed, it just initially read like she was ok for bil to come over and hang out with the family and was focused on the OW as the bad person

She might be around for the next 50 years … the children are your nieces / nephews, and cousins to your children, they also haven’t don’t anything wrong, so shouldn’t be denied a relationship with family.

Think carefully about what’s right, not based on how their relationship started, or anything your ex-SIL says (at some point she will move on, with a new partner, and you will be relegated to the wings), just what the right thing to do is now, and in the future.

People have affairs all the time, and many long-term relationships started with an act of infidelity.. I’ve never thought people should be punished forever.

Avoid taking sides as much as you can.

No is a complete sentence in this case.

I have to agree with this. Especially since there are children involved, and if she isn't welcome then neither are the children. If I was banning anyone, it would be him.

But you're okay hanging out with BIL? He made his choices.

"No thanks"

All he needs to say it “Chococoo said it’s a no. What can you do..” and then change the subject. Or you can tell him yourself sorry, you’re not up for that at the moment. You don’t need to explain the ins and outs.

(re: “no is a complete sentence”)

Yeah.. it’s a complete sentence for a toddler throwing a strop. Adults need to add a little more to be reasonable.

I'd text him.

"Hi BIL. I have no interest in meeting X or having any type of relationship with her, she is not welcome in my home. The children can come over any time."