To not want BIL’s partner to come to our house?

[chococooo]

Basically BIL cheated on his long term partner and had two kids with another woman.

The OW followed BIL home one night and knocked on the door when BIL was out and told BIL’s long term partner everything.

The OW was well aware he was living with his long term partner and had kids with her, he made it clear that it was only a fling and he would never leave his partner.

Obviously his partner left him and after abit he had ended up in a relationship with the OW.

I am friendly with with his ex and she is a good woman who went through a lot in her life, she gave BIL a home when he had nothing, to be honest I am very disgusted that he has treated her like this.

Now BIL wants to bring her round our house and introduce herself to our kids ( 1 year old twins).
Apparently she has been begging BIL to meet me and to get friendly etc.

BIL is my OH’s younger brother.

I have no interest in being friendly with this woman, and I certainly don’t want her in my home.
The ex has told me she began stalking her, writing things online about her etc, basically bunny boiler type stuff.

I don’t want to get involved in all BIL’s drama.
I have said to OH that BIL can come round with the kids but that’s it and I won’t be entertaining her at all.

OH feels awkward and doesn’t know how to tell BIL even though he dosent like the woman either.

AIBU?

I mean, it's your husband's house too, and if he wants his brother and his girlfriend to visit your shared home you can't exactly prevent it. However, you can absolutely choose to not be at home when these people do visit you. I despise cheating so I wouldn't want to sit there and pretend to be okay with my BIL or his sidekick. I'd make plans and let my husband take care of his guests entirely on his own.

I have no interest in being friendly with this woman, and I certainly don’t want her in my home

And yet happy to have BIL, who is a saint who ‘only wanted a fling’ in your home. Yep, poor guy, give home the best couch with lots of pillows but her part in the affair is unforgivable🙄. Misogynistic.

Where's this extra set of twins come from? I can't see that. I've got a headache now.

Yep. I mean the OW knew he had a partner and kids, even if he seemingly didn’t. And she knew he only wanted a fling. Yet she went and got pregnant… poor BIL, how did this happen the little pet?

Her husband is related to one of them and not the other. It's not misogyny, it's biology.

OP has said several times she doesn't like BIL

Is the OW the one that he has 2 kids with as well? Because in that case I'd be a little more open minded to meeting her to have a relationship with her niece's/nephews, the kids aren't at fault here

it's a bit like a logic puzzle.

Now BIL wants to bring her round our house and introduce herself to our kids ( 1 year old twins). <- this is from the original post. I assumed these 1yo twins were the OP's.

In a later post, OP says that BIL got OW pregnant, and they had twins. So it seems like two sets of twins??

Stick to your guns OP, I wouldn't want either of them in my home.

BIL and his new partner live separately as he said he wants to see how it goes and needs his own space.

BIL has moved into his own house now and has told OH he dosent want me visiting in case I tell his ex.
Which is fine with me as I wouldn’t want to go anyway.

Prior to this we never really did the whole double date thing, his would come alone with the kids and nice versa and OH and BIL would do their own thing.

I do feel as if the OW just want’s to be nosey and to see where we live and get info on his ex.

Shortly after BIL starts drinking and taking drugs and goes of the rails all whilst his long term partner is supporting him and raising the kids.

Of course she won’t be a “distant memory.” Not only is she the OP’s friend, she also has children with the useless BIL that are cousins to the OP’s children.

Why doesn’t he want you telling his ex? Does she not know he’s with the OW?

She sounds unhinged. I would not want her knowing my address, never mind being in my home.

Husband meething them in a soft play sounds like a good compromise. There is no need for her to come to your house for the time being. Husband can handle his relationship with his side of the family.

I’m with you OP, I wouldn’t have her round either but then that would also include BIL. Your OH can meet his brother when he wants outside your home.

Ah right. Kids all over the map then, add the 2 or more with ex to the two sets of twins. This saga will never end then.

Brothers can meet up away from your children and home.
No need to see his children.
Who needs this drama in their life.
Be firm with your husband.
Keep him away from our home.

OP do not bring this absolute freak into your home. Do not let your husband insist on it either. She’s a nutter. Do not bring an unstable stalker around your children. Enough of this “it’s his house too” bullshit, no real man would let an unstable stalker around his kids. Put your damn food down.

Not necessarily.

'I'd rather not, thank you' gives the same message in something of a more tempered tone. But it's still to-the-point and clear. People don't necessarily need full explanations as to why we make particular decisions, especially if they're likely to go down like a knackered lift or to open up a negotiation OP never wanted in the first place. A firm, straight, if more politely expressed 'no' closes down that possibility from the beginning.

For this woman to push 'getting friendly' with OP personally does seem rather odd, given there is never a guarantee of that on first meeting someone. Neither woman might like the other. As to her other behaviour, I wouldn't have time for the histrionics either.

You're entitled to your own boundaries, OP. DH and his brother can do as they like with no necessity for you to be involved.

@MaggiesShadow Her husband is related to one of them and not the other. It's not misogyny, it's biology

If having an affair is so horrific she can’t set foot in the house, then biology doesn’t overrule that. He’s just as guilty, so it should apply equally to both. But it won’t, not because he is related, but because he is a poor man, who was somehow bewitched/forced/something else ridiculous.

No-one falls in love faster than someone in need of a home

YABU for blaming it all on the other woman. I thought we had moved past this. The real issue is your BIL. He is the one who was in a relationship at the time. Why do you want him in your house?

You don't have to have a relationship with this woman if you don't want to, and neither do your children. Your OH will probably want to maintain a relationship with his brother. You might need to discuss what might happen in the future if they become more serious.

Lots of twins in the family. Are OH and BIL also twins?

I disagree that that is OP's goal here. She has already said she doesn't like BIL and doesn't particularly want to see or spend time with him.

What more do you want from her? She can't force her husband to cut ties with his own brother.