To think my husband is wrong for reporting my sister for benefit fraud?

[Rockyhardplace25]

So back story:

My sister is a lot younger than me. There is a 15 year age gap- so I basically raised her as my mother was struggling with an alcohol addiction and wasn’t fit to until she went into rehab when my sister was 9. We have a very, strong close relationship.
Sister has also had her own issues with drugs- but when she found out she was pregnant with my niece 8 years ago, went to rehab and has sorted her life out. To some extent.
She has a much older partner, the gap is nearly 30 years, who she met in her addiction who has also, again to some extent, sorted his life out. In that aspect- I take my hat off to both of them.
This man was married with adult children and got my sister pregnant after a one night stand. He left his wife and moved in with my sister. His “other family” have completely cut him off apart from his eldest child- who, from what I can work out, uses him as a bank.

Me and DH have one child, DD who is now a 11, Children are expensive- there’s no two ways about it. With clothing, school trips, days out etc it does add up. DSIS has a 7 year old and is now pregnant with a second child who we are all very excited about.

DSIS doesn’t work and claims sickness benefits, her partner does. Up until recently we assumed she was reporting his income as part of her claim- but we have found out through a slip of the tounge she isn’t. She isn’t even declaring he lives with her, which he does full time. His bank account, car and other things that could link him back to DSIS house is registered to his son’s address. A son he gives £1500 a month too.

DSIS was brought a house when she turned 18 (we have same mum, different dads) so solely pays the mortgage and a lump of the bills herself topped up by her partner. If he/the kids need anything he will go out and buy it but doesn’t directly contribute to the monthly running of the home. Which has pissed me off if I’m honest.

DH is even more pissed off- feels she is taking the piss, as is he, she is committing fraud and why is it fair we both work our arses off to pay our monthly bills when she’s getting it handed to her on a plate but wouldn’t if she was honest. DH thinks if she does that then her partner will leave her because at the moment he’s pretty much living the life of Riley with no expenses.

Hes admitted to me over the weekend he’s reported her for benefit fraud. I don’t know how I feel- I keep flitting from one thing to the next- but ultimately she is my sister and I am worried she will get into serious shit.

Your DH would have been much more sensible not to have told anyone at all what he had done.

I had my first child at 16 and got told they would have a terrible childhood because I was young. Apparently it's acceptable to say that and no one bats an eyelid. I'm just saying if someone is disabled severely IE in pain can't walk etc the children are going to miss out on a lot of stuff other kids take for granted. I'm not judging anyone because most disabled parents probably became disabled after having their children. It's just true the kids will miss out on a lot

I do think the degree of disability comes into it, yes. But as l’ve said before, the assumption here is that someone profoundly disabled would be able to just push ahead and have a family. That’s not the case IME. There are support and guidance services and in many cases the persons’ own family who would intervene and help the person reach the right decision for themselves and their circumstances.

I’ve seen many parents with physical disabilities and one of their main priorities has been for their disability not to put their kids at a disadvantage. And they work hard at it. I think what able bodied people fail to see is that for a disabled parent, their disability is only one element.. i tend to disagree with your last statement though. I’m disabled and in a wheelchair myself and l know for a fact tht at l couldn’t have continued to work if I’d had a child. The capability just wasn’t there. So l chose my job. In the same situation many would choose the opposite. That’s their personal choice and their right after discussion with their loved ones - not least with a working partner who would be supporting them

there’s also an underlying assumption on the thread that a disabled person would be a lone parent, or that their partner would also be disabled. Obviously that can happen but it’s by no means the norm.

I'm not disagreeing with you but this is what I mean about it being a grey area. . it's not black or white, disabled vs able bodied.

Are you saying EVERY disabled person, no matter how severe their disabilities deserve to have a child because it's their right? If so, I don't agree. If you can appreciate that it wouldn't be fair on a child to be raised by someone with such a high level of disability that they're unable to offer much support at all, then we're on the same page.

I get that it's easy to be outraged by the suggestion that some disabled people shouldn't be getting pregnant... but they really shouldn't. I just can't even how somebody can be too severely disabled/sick to work yet they deem themselves fit enough to bring a child into this world.

More blanket assumptions and stereotyping. And it’s really ableist to suggest it’s a given that the children of disabled parents will automatically ‘miss out’. Or that ‘most’ disabled parents weren’t disabled when they had their children. That suggests that a congenitally disabled person shouldn’t have the same right to be a parent. Did you know that the birth rate among disabled people is only slightly lower than in the general population. Do you think all disabled peopled parents are single mums ? Do you think disabled people only have relationships with other disabled people ? Because in over twenty years of working with the disabled that’s not my experience. You’re denying that you’re ableist but with every post you’re digging yourself a bigger hole.

It is people's personal choice to have children rather than work but regardless of disability unless they have a partner who can financially support them, (or savings etc) I disagree that it is reasonable to have a baby with the intention of never working again and claiming benefits to support them.

I'm not bothered about digging a hole. Just not sure why it's fine to tell someone their kids will have a terrible childhood because of having a young mum. And all the threads about how you apparently need at least 100k income to even consider having kids?

But the moment someone points out it's probably not the best idea to have children if you can't walk then y'all lose your minds?

But you know if someone has overcome their disability and managed to raise children then good for them I just think it's weird how it's fine on here to tell people it's selfish to have kids if they're not rich or not over the age of 30 but you can't point out the difficulties from having a parent who can't walk

No, absolutely not what l’m saying. There are degrees of disability and obviously common sense has to apply. I’m just trying to point out that generally there are checks and balances iin place to counsel the more profoundly disabled who wouldn’t cope, but ultimately it’s a free choice, which sadly, for some, ends in failure and another child taken into care. It happens..

But to take on your last point As a disabled person myself l had to decide between working and being a mum. I knew i couldn’t do both. I chose work. I fully understand why others would make the opposite choice, and l believe any decent society would support them in that choice. I think I’m taking issue with the really ableist assumptions running through the discussion - that it seems to be fine for those who were parents before becoming disabled to have parenting support, but not for someone born disabled. And that disabled parents must either be single mums or their partners must also be disabled. That’s not my experience, either professionally or personally.

If you had a husband with a moral compass?

It's awful to decide you aren't working snd tax payers can fund you. I can't believe OP is celebrating her sister having another baby she can't self fund.

Husband is absolutely in the right.

I give up now. You win. If you can’t see the ableism in what you’re saying then l can’t help you.

Well there are plenty of able bodied people who do just that. And in many more numbers than disabled people.

That is why I said "regardless of disability". Nobody should do it.

Sorry to go on but you mention your experience. One of my closest childhood friends had a disabled mum in a wheelchair don't get me wrong she did her best and was a lovely woman, but things other kids take for granted she missed out on and didn't go out much. I never said I thought all disabled parents were single or married to other disabled parents so not sure why you said I said that? Her dad was a saint but he had to give up his job to look after mum and the kids so they didn't have much money.
Not sure why it's "abelist" to point this out but I'm not the best at explaining things so apologies if I upset you

But the moment someone points out it's probably not the best idea to have children if you can't walk then y'all lose your minds?

Of course people who don't have full use of their legs or even who have no legs at all can parent adequately. These people are also able to work though, so this is not the level of disability I'm referring to.

The people I mean are the ones who are signed off sick or disabled but they absolutely must be fit for work... as they deem themselves fit enough to parent when they choose to get pregnant.

You would not be able to do my job without legs. Not every job is an office job.

My mind is blown that it was considered fine to tell me I'd be a terrible mum because I was 16 but people act like not having legs isn't a big deal

So what if you couldn't do your job without legs. You don't have to be capable of doing every job to be able to earn a living!

The skill set needed for a disabled person to parent is entirely different to that needed to be able to work - you’ve no idea how often I come across these issues being conflated. You’re trying to over simplify complex issues. I worked directly in the field of helping disabled people into work and having the ability or the will to work is only the start, because the challenges of getting and retaining employment for many people are very different from the challenges of parenthood. Explaining the many reasons someone may be an excellent parent but still not be fit to work would take up the rest of the thread.The reluctance of employers to take them on in the first place, and then to provide proper accommodation and adjustment being the two biggest hurdles. It’s simple on paper (including threads on MN) but it’s not so easy in practice.

Well I would have thought it was obvious that I didn't mean somebody without the use of their legs would be able to do any job. But perhaps not 🤷‍♀️😂

Plenty of jobs don't require legs though and nor does parenting. Yes, legs make it easier of course, but definitely not impossible!

Spectacularly not the point. You clearly have no understanding of the complexity of disability. Not least because you fail to understand that someone who has lost both legs is very likely yo have an underlying disability which caused them to lose their legs in the first place. And how are they going to be supported in work ? Are you going to help them on and off the toilet ? Those people who sped the majority of their time in a wheelchair are more likely to have continence issues due to limited mobility - are you going to change them after an accident ?

I can't think of many jobs that could be done without legs other than an office job, even a supermarket would be a struggle as they don't just work behind the till they stack shelves too.

We took for granted playing football with our parents as kids for example not sure why theres countless threads overanalyzing what age someone should have a child or whether 100k income is enough to have children. For people to act like not having legs is no big deal? But apparently you're "disadvantaging" your kids if you don't earn enough to afford pony lessons?

And before someone calls me "ableist" I actually think it's more cruel to minimise the effect having no legs would have on someone's life

There are literally thousands of jobs that can be done without legs. Certainly not all office based and of those that are, many could be done from home. I'm not really sure what your point is?

I do find it sad you're basing somebody's ability to parent on how physically active they are. Yes, in a perfect world every parent would be playing football or whatever with their kids but life isn't perfect. The decent parents who can't do these things will bring other stuff to the table I'm sure.

The loss of both lower limbs is more often the result of an underlying condition than accident. It’s not just a case of saying right you don’t need legs to do this job, so away you go. You have to look at the overall level of disability. Generally those with severely reduced mobility tend to have incontinence problems and wheelchair users often experience loss of control because of spinal issues. It’s not just a case of deciding what job you can do, it’s also about what support is needed while at work.

Would you be willing to help a work colleague on and off the toilet, help change a catheter bag or stoma pouch ? Or help change after an accident? Sometimes the reason that a disabled person can’t work is not down to actual ability, but the preservation of dignity.

The work capability assessment doesn’t compel those with little or no control over bowel/bladder to work because it recognises the difficulty and potential impact on the disabled person - not least on their mental health. And it’s a fact that those with severe mobility problems which in themselves would not preclude work, actually impact on continence to a significant degree. And there are many disabilities out there which are often not discernible but cause significant continence problems to a degree where working would be a problem. It’s not black and white.

If people (tragically, it’s not a character flaw if it’s due to involuntary circumstances) cannot earn their living then by definition they are not equipped to be a good parent.

Supporting one’s family financially is rock-bottom basic criteria for being a parent.

Sorry but you are ableist. What’s worse is that you can’t see it.