To think my husband is wrong for reporting my sister for benefit fraud?

[Rockyhardplace25]

So back story:

My sister is a lot younger than me. There is a 15 year age gap- so I basically raised her as my mother was struggling with an alcohol addiction and wasn’t fit to until she went into rehab when my sister was 9. We have a very, strong close relationship.
Sister has also had her own issues with drugs- but when she found out she was pregnant with my niece 8 years ago, went to rehab and has sorted her life out. To some extent.
She has a much older partner, the gap is nearly 30 years, who she met in her addiction who has also, again to some extent, sorted his life out. In that aspect- I take my hat off to both of them.
This man was married with adult children and got my sister pregnant after a one night stand. He left his wife and moved in with my sister. His “other family” have completely cut him off apart from his eldest child- who, from what I can work out, uses him as a bank.

Me and DH have one child, DD who is now a 11, Children are expensive- there’s no two ways about it. With clothing, school trips, days out etc it does add up. DSIS has a 7 year old and is now pregnant with a second child who we are all very excited about.

DSIS doesn’t work and claims sickness benefits, her partner does. Up until recently we assumed she was reporting his income as part of her claim- but we have found out through a slip of the tounge she isn’t. She isn’t even declaring he lives with her, which he does full time. His bank account, car and other things that could link him back to DSIS house is registered to his son’s address. A son he gives £1500 a month too.

DSIS was brought a house when she turned 18 (we have same mum, different dads) so solely pays the mortgage and a lump of the bills herself topped up by her partner. If he/the kids need anything he will go out and buy it but doesn’t directly contribute to the monthly running of the home. Which has pissed me off if I’m honest.

DH is even more pissed off- feels she is taking the piss, as is he, she is committing fraud and why is it fair we both work our arses off to pay our monthly bills when she’s getting it handed to her on a plate but wouldn’t if she was honest. DH thinks if she does that then her partner will leave her because at the moment he’s pretty much living the life of Riley with no expenses.

Hes admitted to me over the weekend he’s reported her for benefit fraud. I don’t know how I feel- I keep flitting from one thing to the next- but ultimately she is my sister and I am worried she will get into serious shit.

Then there’s no problem.

I wouldn't stay with my husband if he made a spite-motivated report about a neighbour or a stranger.

But if it was my own sister? Lol. I'd be ordering patio tiles.

She’s a cheat and also - is it honestly sensible to have a second child when you have no means of supporting yourself and the first child? The good old tax payer will pay…

Time she took some responsibility for her life. You can’t blame the past for every decision you take in your future life.

I’m not surprised DH is fed up with watching this close- up. The DP is clearly a leech on her too.

Is it wise to bring a child into the world when you're solely reliant on others though? Is it fair on that child or those family and friends?

I get that it's a very grey area and absolutely one that couldn't and shouldn't be legislated. Doesn't make it right though, as children are a want, not a right.

and benefits will pay for it anyway

Funny that, considering on MN the philosophy is ‘it takes a village’. Clearly you don’t think that should extend to the disabled. I’ve seen many disabled people with children and they make better and more committed parents than many non disabled. Your comment is shockingly ableist.

It takes a Village doesn't mean being reliant on other people and the parent has to be part of the village to, in terms of helping to raise other children as well as their own.

What do you mean ‘legislated’ ? There’s no grey area. There is support in place for disabled people to have children - if children are a ‘want’ then the disabled are just as entitled to have that want fulfilled as anyone else. MN makes me very sad sometimes. It seems that the efforts of people like myself and others who actually work with the disabled and advocate for inclusivity, understanding and compassion are shouting into the void.

Nobody is saying disabled people shouldn't have children... but there are degrees of disability. If somebody is either so mentally or physically disabled that they are unable to function enough to do any work at all, then I don't think it's wrong to hope that they might be selfless enough to decide they'd be unable to raise a child.

You are now saying there is support available... but before you mentioned that comes from friends and family. What if those friends and family don't want to raise a child? What if they don't have those friends and family?

I'm not meaning people who need a little support here, I'm talking about people that need full support. As if they're capable of offering enough support to a child then they surely must be capable of some kind of work.

Being disabled doesn’t mean bedbound and helpless. Disability doesn’t preclude parenthood, and nor should it. IME disabled parents nurture strong families and compassionate children.

How many child carers are there? and yes some are becuase of something that was unexpected but not all

Quite right. Fraud is wrong. She needs to pay back what she’s claimed illegally. No excuses.

There is support available. Social services offer support to disabled people wherever needed, as do other agencies. Many disability charities offer practical support and also counselling where a genetic condition has been identified.

Families who have a significantly disabled family member are generally very supportive and much more open about matters many would find difficult to discuss with wider family. It’s my experience that parenthood is a much bigger deal for someone disabled, and in many cases it’s family who help them arrive at the right decision for themselves.

Disability is only one factor of how disabled people parent, but unfortunately that doesn’t prevent the prejudice and outright disapproval they experience from people who aren’t disabled themselves, know little or nothing about disability and yet still feel qualified to comment.

So now you’ve adjusted what you said to include able bodied people, when your comment was a specific response to the issue in the context of disability ?

What I say on ne post may not be the same another, if you were marking an essay at uni I would agree but as it is a forum put it down to a conspiracy

Leeches like your sister and her husband are one reason why this country is going backwards. Your husband did the right thing and I would have reported them also - fuck family loyalty.

I can only speak from my own experience as part of a professional service to disabled people. I encountered many disabled parents and of those there were very few whose children ended up as their carers. And where they did, they weren’t sole carers - other social care was in place so the child was supported. I don’t want to generalise or stereotype but those whose children were heavily involved in their care tended to be the ones with little or no family support and who didn’t easily engage with support services. Not sure if you’re meaning that disabled people specifically intend their offspring to be their carers, but l didn’t see anything even suggestive of that.

What you said in your first post was ableist. You adjusted it to try to eliminate the ableist element.

Can’t believe the amount of people saying he was in the wrong. She’s lying to claim benefits she isn’t entitled to and it’s people like that who ruin it for the people who genuinely do need the benefits. She absolutely should have been reported and he did the right thing. She has someone living with her who can pay what he needs to keep them afloat, why should that be coming out of tax payers money, when people who genuinely need it are then struggling.

Depends on how severely disabled. Someone in a wheelchair or in debilitating pain every day isn't going to be able to run around looking after kids.
Sadly it's just not fair on the kids if we're being honest.

Then mark me on the roll as ablest it's simpler, or whatever you want

While I agree that If someone is too ill or disabled to work without a lot of support from the people around them it's very unfair to have a baby, I disagree that means it's unfair for someone in a wheelchair to have children! Many people in wheelchairs are more than capable of being good parents (although those that are also capable of working.)

Brings to mind a client who had congenital missing limbs, including part of both legs. She was in a wheelchair and was a brilliant mum. Her son had just finished uni and was going into the medical field when she was referred to me. She utilised the help available and strived to be the best mum she could. It’s very sad how some posters on MN see disabled people - and l’m not just talking about this thread, but generally. For some it’s a case of unconscious bias and for others it’s just out and out prejudice and disapproval.

There is little or no appreciation of the challenges disabled people face and how hard they work to meet and exceed those challenges to live as ‘normal’ a life as possible. For a disabled parent, their disability is just another element of being a parent. MNers may not be disabled themselves and they may have little or no experience of disability in other ways. Yet they still feel qualified to judge.