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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with DF for putting me in this position?

123 replies

Maythefifthbewithyou · 05/05/2025 12:24

I had an arrangement today to take a DF out to a local nice town for brunch and bimbling around. It's been planned for weeks.

She doesn't drive and lives quite rurally, so I said I'm happy to drive, pick her up and drop her back.

When I arrived she came to the door with her DD who is 8, they both had coats on and shut the door behind them.

Her DH that morning had decided to go out for the morning on his very outting hobby so they'd between them that DD would join us in our plans.

They didn't think to give me the heads up.

Now besides the fact that I was looking forward to an adult catch up (my DC are pottering in the garden with my DH), there's no space for her DD in my car.

So we've had to change plans as we can't drive anywhere, I went in for a cup of tea and toast and small catch up with an audience, and now have left.

I'm going to enjoy some time to myself before heading back, but AIBU to think it's correct to give heads up a/ to manage my expectations, and b/ for logistical reasons.

OP posts:
AnotherNC321 · 05/05/2025 12:25

Yep that’s shitty behaviour. Hope you have a nice afternoon of just ‘me’ time. Do something you wouldn’t usually have the time to do? Like get your nails done?

Original poster
Maythefifthbewithyou · 05/05/2025 12:25

Oh it's a 40mile round trip. Fine for a meal out and a few hours mooching, but a bit much for an hour's chat.

OP posts:
BeaTwix · 05/05/2025 12:26

I think there is more going on here with her relationship than you state and this may have been forced on her.

She lives rurally and doesn't drive with a husband who thinks it's OK to piss off on a bank holiday when she has plans with a friend leaving her to do do childcare....

Sounds a bit abusive. She might need support not condemnation.

ohfourfoxache · 05/05/2025 12:26

Yeah, that’s shit

Did she at least apologise?

Daisypod · 05/05/2025 12:27

Did you say anything to her? What did she say when she realised it was going to mean a change of plan?

GoneGirl12345 · 05/05/2025 12:28

What did she say when you said that you can't take her DD in the car?

It's really bad form to just assume your children are invited on an adults day out.

Original poster
Maythefifthbewithyou · 05/05/2025 12:29

BeaTwix · 05/05/2025 12:26

I think there is more going on here with her relationship than you state and this may have been forced on her.

She lives rurally and doesn't drive with a husband who thinks it's OK to piss off on a bank holiday when she has plans with a friend leaving her to do do childcare....

Sounds a bit abusive. She might need support not condemnation.

I think it's more they didn't think through the logistics of it, and just assumed it'd be fine.

Her DD is very nice but obviously it changes the dynamics of the plans.

She seems fine with her DH doing her hobby, the decision felt collaborative as she explained it. No real apologies.

She did suggest having her DD on her lap but I had to say no to that, I felt like I'd been put in a position saying no in front of her DD.

OP posts:
EleanorReally · 05/05/2025 12:29

i do find this whole Outing Hobby sentence annoying, so may not be so agreeable in my response to you,

Original poster
Maythefifthbewithyou · 05/05/2025 12:30

Daisypod · 05/05/2025 12:27

Did you say anything to her? What did she say when she realised it was going to mean a change of plan?

They both just expressed disappointment with me I guess Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Maythefifthbewithyou · 05/05/2025 12:31

EleanorReally · 05/05/2025 12:29

i do find this whole Outing Hobby sentence annoying, so may not be so agreeable in my response to you,

Wink honestly I was being a bit tongue in cheek

OP posts:
EleanorReally · 05/05/2025 12:32

oh apologies @Maythefifthbewithyou
i did sit on my hands luckily <<phew>>
disappointing then

SunsetCocktails · 05/05/2025 12:32

I’m confused. Why did they come out with their coats on? How did she expect DD to fit in your car, presumably she knew there’d be no room?
I think next time you make plans with her text on the morning to double check she’s not throwing any more curveballs your way.

ViciousCurrentBun · 05/05/2025 12:32

Penny to a pound he is a Lycra clad cycling club cunt. I write that as a lifelong cyclist.

I would have been beyond annoyed but would be wanting to speak, not msg to her in private about why this actually happened.

EleanorReally · 05/05/2025 12:33

she should have told you!

HiRen · 05/05/2025 12:33

People live in their bubbles. Which is fine if they’re the only ones impacted. Extremely rude when others are. Totally lacking in consideration.

Callie247 · 05/05/2025 12:36

ViciousCurrentBun · 05/05/2025 12:32

Penny to a pound he is a Lycra clad cycling club cunt. I write that as a lifelong cyclist.

I would have been beyond annoyed but would be wanting to speak, not msg to her in private about why this actually happened.

A surprising amount of women are members of cycling clubs too. I wonder what delightful word you would use to describe them.

Dramatic · 05/05/2025 12:38

Do you have a 2 seater car?

Caterina99 · 05/05/2025 12:41

Yes annoying. She should’ve told you. I have my own kids. Last thing I want is to spend time with someone else’s kids when mine aren’t there. Makes for a very different outing!

I do agree that are you sure there isn’t a bigger problem with her DH being selfish? If your friend is known for bringing her DD to everything and assuming everyone wants to hang out with her then that’s one thing. But if it’s not normal behavior for her then I’d forgive her.

Next time you plan something just make sure you double check it’s definitely going to be child free. Although presumably she won’t do it again due to the car situation

crimsonlake · 05/05/2025 12:42

TBH it is their own fault if they were disappointed. Your friend should not have just assumed this would have been okay with you. I think you handled it well, but I hope your friend is feeling guilty for spoiling your plans.

IAmTheLogLady · 05/05/2025 12:44

Yanbu. Your friend is annoying.
Enjoy your afternoon.

Changingplace · 05/05/2025 12:44

Dramatic · 05/05/2025 12:38

Do you have a 2 seater car?

This, what kind of car do you have that can’t fit two adults and a child old enough not to need a car seat?

pizzaHeart · 05/05/2025 12:45

I came here to say the same as @BeaTwix that something happened between them like a quarrel but from your update it didn’t look like this.
And even with a quarrel she could txt you to give you heads up and she should have said “sorry” . So yes, shitty behavior from her, hope you’ll find something nice to fill the afternoon.
Im also curious how did it turned out that there was no room for her DD in your car and how was she even thinking to put DD on her lap? I know she is not a driver but still….Was she living under a rock all this time? Or is she from another country by any chance?

MyDeftDuck · 05/05/2025 13:05

Oh dear…….the way some people are so wrapped up in their own existence never ceases to amaze me! She surely knew what sort of car you drive and having anyone on your knee is just ridiculous, FFS! Your plans were made well in advance and she failed to let you know that her DH was not available to look after their child so why did she not phone you to tell you ??

Hope you enjoyed the rest of your day though and fwiw I would have been seriously pissed off in your position.

BobbyBiscuits · 05/05/2025 13:07

Does your car only have two seats?
But yeah, she should've asked/told you. That's pretty selfish behaviour. Is she usually like this? Turning up with unannounced offspring in tow?
It sounds pretty annoying. I hope you had a nice enough time just chilling on your own for a bit x

PangolinPan · 05/05/2025 13:07

It's insane to suggest driving with a child on her lap, it's not the 80s and you could get done for a driving offence if spotted.

Hopefully she has learned her lesson to at least give a heads up. I imagine you're now less inclined to go so out of your way for her in future. Perhaps next time you make plans her husband and child can drop her off at a more mutually convenient location? My DP often drops me off at the pub with kids in tow so I don't have to drive.

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