To be pissed off with DF for putting me in this position?

[Maythefifthbewithyou]

I had an arrangement today to take a DF out to a local nice town for brunch and bimbling around. It's been planned for weeks.

She doesn't drive and lives quite rurally, so I said I'm happy to drive, pick her up and drop her back.

When I arrived she came to the door with her DD who is 8, they both had coats on and shut the door behind them.

Her DH that morning had decided to go out for the morning on his very outting hobby so they'd between them that DD would join us in our plans.

They didn't think to give me the heads up.

Now besides the fact that I was looking forward to an adult catch up (my DC are pottering in the garden with my DH), there's no space for her DD in my car.

So we've had to change plans as we can't drive anywhere, I went in for a cup of tea and toast and small catch up with an audience, and now have left.

I'm going to enjoy some time to myself before heading back, but AIBU to think it's correct to give heads up a/ to manage my expectations, and b/ for logistical reasons.

I’m looking forward to OP explaining she has a motorbike and sidecar!

100%. It could also be a 7 seater SUV that has had all the rear seats temporarily removed for a deep clean for all we know. The only relevant fact is that OP turned up with enough seats for the two people who planned a day together!

Really, Eleanor?

Because it could be that the car had something in it so the back seats couldn’t be used and OP was being difficult or she had taken out the back seats because she had been transporting things. It’s kind of relevant because it makes it odd (as well as rude) that her DF didn’t think to tell her she needed to bring her DD if she knew OP might be driving a 2 seater.

OP, I wouldn’t assume your DF was okay with her DH going out just because she didn’t say that she was upset about it. She may not have wanted to say anything in front of her DD.

Dogging 🤔

The friend obviously didn't realise she'd be in the 2 seater, or a car with 2 seats becuase the others had been removed to be painted green, but so what? The fact that she couldn't take the daughter is very much secondary to the fact that she wouldn't have wanted to even if she could.

She really should have said something.

Even if it was a 5min drive she's made the assumption that you would be happy with the change of plans.

You might rather have just stayed at home!

I’m laughing at you thinking this is a reasonable train of thought.

@KnickerFolder OP was being difficult because she thought there was only two people and once there was three she didn't want to remove the chest of drawers and wardrobe shoved in the back of her 9 seater minibus ready for transportation to the tip tomorrow?

Really?

She was very unreasonable. I have experienced similar, arranged dinner and a cinema trip with a friend. Was so looking forward to it, we hadn't seen each other in ages and I really wanted to see the film. She turned up, with no warning, with her 12 year old... The film was an 18. Needless to say I have never asked her since.

To be fair I should have expected it as she had form for that as her kids didn't like her going out without them!

I have a 4 seater car, so I can have 3 passengers.

Sometimes, I have to have the back 2 seats down (small boot) in order to fit stuff in. (Suitcases, shopping, any old junk etc).

Sometimes I can accommodate 3 passengers and other times I can only accommodate 1.

Good grief have none of you heard of smart cars and sports cars?

OP you could message her to say: does she need to talk, is everything OK, you didn't like the way her DH ruined the day out the two of you had planned, does he do stuff like that often? If she was OK with it, it still gets the message over that your day was ruined.

Some people don't seem to think that having their DC around matters. I used to meet up with a group of ex colleagues for a meal out. One of them (single mum) often brought her son without warning us. He was about 12 at the time. He'd mostly play on his tablet thing and I suppose wasn't much interested in our conversation but it really changed the dynamic. I didn't enjoy it so much when he was there

She did suggest having her DD on her lap but I had to say no to that, I felt like I'd been put in a position saying no in front of her DD.

That was very generous of her considering that not only was she risking her DD, but that you would have been the one at risk of prosecution.

Absolute nightmare! I’d be fuming too.

I have a friend who pulled that sh1t on me all the time, I stopped making plans with her after so many times of being blindsided on arriving to our plans. It wasn’t even that her kid was joining us too, she’d often make the same plans with multiple people but make out it was just the two of us.

Not always a quick or easy job.

That is excellent

My thoughts exactly, but they said drive not ride.

She could still have messaged the OP to giver her the heads up.

No excuse for not sending even a quick text, so I doubt there's anything abusive, just another CF

It's lucky you couldn't take the child in your car. It could not have been clearer to the friend that she was being rude and unreasonable. I hope she is actually taking notes for next time!

I would have been really pissed off. I've had friends make plans and then decide to bring their DC. I decline and say for them to enjoy it with their child instead.

I don't get care for my kids just to spend it with someone else's... plus it changes the whole dynamics of the meet-up.

Not odd at all we were the same. Family runabout and sports car.

If there's no apology forthcoming I wouldn't bother with this particular friend again.

That's ridiculous. My kids come to places they are invited, they don't come along to catchups with my friends. And I'd never just assume someone else is happy to just pop them in the car (on my lap!?!)

Yeah. I'd expect an apology, that's just ridiculous. Fine enough if there was an emergency and every mode of communication in her house was destroyed before you got there, but that's the only scenario that would make any sense.

I’m curious about your sports car as well, or is it a motorbike and sidecar?

They must know you have this car so shouldn’t have been surprised.