To be pissed off with DF for putting me in this position?

[Maythefifthbewithyou]

I had an arrangement today to take a DF out to a local nice town for brunch and bimbling around. It's been planned for weeks.

She doesn't drive and lives quite rurally, so I said I'm happy to drive, pick her up and drop her back.

When I arrived she came to the door with her DD who is 8, they both had coats on and shut the door behind them.

Her DH that morning had decided to go out for the morning on his very outting hobby so they'd between them that DD would join us in our plans.

They didn't think to give me the heads up.

Now besides the fact that I was looking forward to an adult catch up (my DC are pottering in the garden with my DH), there's no space for her DD in my car.

So we've had to change plans as we can't drive anywhere, I went in for a cup of tea and toast and small catch up with an audience, and now have left.

I'm going to enjoy some time to myself before heading back, but AIBU to think it's correct to give heads up a/ to manage my expectations, and b/ for logistical reasons.

Good for you @Maythefifthbewithyou

i had a friend who would do this and having a dd come along is not what was agreed and it totally changed the dynamic.

at least now your friend won’t change plans on you again

YANBU

Fella goes off for the day and the women are supposed to deal with the kids. 😠 I bet he’d be unhappy if it were the other way around. Not that it would be, probably.

Next time you make plans, make it clear that it’s a child-free occasion. Not that you should have to.

I can guarantee that if you'd been fined for having an unsecured child in the car, then YOU'D be the one paying and she wouldn't have offered a penny!

Next time you make plans, make it clear that it’s a child-free occasion. Not that you should have to.

This. YANBU at all. That would really have annoyed me.

That was pretty shitty of her, I would have rearranged had she called to say that was the change of plans. 40mile round trip isn’t too far for coffee with a friend if it’s peaceful.

I'd be livid!

@Maythefifthbewithyou surely she should have explained to her morris dancing husband that she had already made arrangements first and her meeting could not be rearranged! the friend should have informed the driver so the op did not waste her time driving 20 miles just for a coffee!

You dodged a bullet by having a car that didn’t fit the child. I would be more irritated by having an uninvited eight-year-old follow me around all day. Don’t invite them again. They don’t sound apologetic enough for my liking.

Yeah it’s incredibly disrespectful. I would be mad too.

OP, really rude of her.
Not a chance I would be doing it again.

Ops car could be doubled up as a van or people carrier converted into a camper van.

I reckon she didn’t say her plan as she knew you’d probably postpone and didn’t fancy spending the day in with her DD in the middle of no where.

I like PP comment of messaging her asking her if she’s ok with her DH ruining her plans. That you were looking forward to your plans just for her DH to change the status quo last minute.

OP have you had a nice day regardless?

That's annoying. You had an arrangement, and no particularly good reason for your friend changing it. If her DH had been too ill for childcare, it would have been different. Very thoughtless of her not to rearrange with you, or even better told her DH that he couldn't go out because she wasn't available.

I can’t with my evens. Of course you are not being unreasonable.

I think your friend has a controlling husband. My BFF let me down on Saturday. I was up, dressed and ready for a lunch out. She didn't turn up. It was my first time out since surgery. Her selfish bf had gone off on his hobby travels and his daughter had to be cared for. Tbh I was fuming. I've had an aplogitic text but that's it. Her partner is controlling and bloody rude. I think it was deliberate to stop her seeing any friends. Perhaps your friend is in the same position OP?
My friend has form though for stretching the truth.

She did suggest having her DD on her lap

Is this a wind up?

If not, she actually wanted to risk your licence and her child's actual safety???

I'd have been annoyed before but that suggestion would have tipped me over the edge, never mind the "being disappointed" follow up from them.

I'd honestly have made an excuse about needing to buy something in town and just left them to it at home. How dare she.

I'd be pissed off.
I'm delighted by the word 'bimbling' though!
That's a new one for me.

I assumed I was the only one that had never heard to term either! 😆

Wait - they both expressed disappointment with you? When they changed the plans without mentioning it? Her and an eight year old?

Fuck me.

That what I was thinking - wtf.

I imagine they assumed OP would have a bigger car with her - but with no heads and no consulation hardly OP fault.

My 8 year old still uses a seat. Well a high-backed booster. Is that not right? She’s pretty average height.

Why didn't the child stay home with your DH and your children, and you and your friend go out as planned?

I’m assuming OP’s DH lives with her. 40 minutes away from the friend.

Because the OP’s DH would have said ‘I don’t mind staying home with our own kids on Bank Holiday Monday while you go off for a nice day but I’m fucked if I’m looking after someone else’s child while her own father spend’s the day naked salsa dancing!

How was OP getting the child to her house 40 mins away with nowhere to seat the child? Notwithstanding her DP may have said no, already gone out in the big car etc etc.

The friend is rude. End of.

You’re being unreasonable for not posting the “very outing hobby” when turn DF would surely recognise the scenario without that part.