Stay at home parent looking forward to retirement

[Equalitystreets]

One partner is and has always been the sole breadwinner.

Other is a stay at home parent who as the children have gotten older has gradually had more free time during the day.

They always share the household chores equally.

When the children go to University, the stay at home parent has said they will be retiring and ‘they can’t wait’.

The partner with the job has at least another 15 years of work to do (and all their retirement funding will come from this partner’s investments, or investments set up in the stay at home parent’s name that were set up and funded by the working partner).

Is the stay at home partner being reasonable to declare their job is completed when the children are 18, even if the other partner has another 15 years of work to do?

@Equalitystreets

I always worked so I don't really have a dog in the fight. I'm just curious as to how you see her spending the years until you can retire.

So serious question: What is it you'd like her to do? Get a paid job, take over all the housework, volunteer? If that's so, you need to tell her exactly what you'd like. But you better know beforehand what you'll do if she says "That's not happening".

Because I wouldn't want to start working again if I'd spent 20-some years out of the workforce. What marketable skillset does she have? What type of work do you feel she should do?

The thing is, you agreed all those years ago that she should stay home. That created a certain dynamic in her life. It was focused around 'Kinder, Küche, Kirche' (ok maybe not Kirche). She saw that as her 'job'. And just like any person with a job, when your job is 'over' (in her case the kids) what do you do? You 'retire'. Do I consider it 'retirement' the same as when I retired from my career, no. But she apparently does, so that's what you have to work with.

But she's really not retiring, she'll still have her share of the housework and any other things she normally does to help out in your married life. And we never retire from parenting, no matter what she thinks now. Adult children are just a different set of worries and 'tasks'.

They sound quite entitled so I doubt they will agree to do something like a cleaners job etc, that’s why I was asking about employable skills as I can envisage that there may be some push back/ resistance and I suppose that has to be considered if they haven’t been in paid employment for the past 20ish years and haven’t maintained skills

@Equalitystreets I have seen this sort of mentality before. From my perspective this is not really a partnership. For context I have been on both sides of the equation - I was a stay at home mom for about 5 years. During that time I did all the admin, all the household stuff (including the garden) and everything else. Then I went back to work and then we obviously re adjusted how we went about things. And we keep doing so - as our kids are still young (eldest is 12 youngest is 9). But I think if you carry on being a stay at home parent and then your kids go off to uni - you have one less job (daily parenting) but you have to pick up the slack at home and do the rest as that’s your contribution to the partnership.

Exactly.

I can’t even imagine the sense of entitlement.

I just really struggle to picture being in a relationship with someone who didn't want to make our lives easier. Even a small contribution from a part-time wage in a low paid job would mean the other partner could retire earlier, or that there would be a little more in the pot.

This depends on how much the OP earns, if below the threshold, as long as the SAHP was claiming child benefit, they will receive their "stamp", so that covers the NI for pensions. This is why it's really important for SAHP's to claim child benefit even if they don't need the money. I think also that if the earner earns above the threshold, the SAHP can still claim the child benefit for their NI stamp, but the earner will have to pay it back through their taxes. But this should be done to help with pensions!

@Equalitystreets

I actually wanted to see perhaps how older couples in a similar situation had handled this

Well, my sister was a SAHM and when her youngest flew the nest, nothing changed. He worked, she ran the home. She did start playing bridge with a group and did more 'shopping' with friends. And she did a little 'side gig' buying and selling antiques, but if was for fun not for profit. When it got too 'competitive' and wasn't fun anymore, she stopped.

One difference was that she did ALL the housework & other 'home duties'. So for her to have decided to go to work, he would have had to start sharing the load. But I really don't think that factored into my BiL's thinking. He was happy that he earned more than enough for his wife to stay home and do the 'work' he didn't want to do.

I think she'll push back no matter what, so he just needs to insist she gets a job, and keep insisting and refuse to listen to excuses. The type of job is a red herring, though yes she might use that to continue to try to get out of doing her fair share.

I would massively resent this. Are you married? If not, I think I’d want to extricate myself from this arrangement!

I don't think one partner should "retire" early and rely on the other to bankroll them. Your partner needs to work and contribute to retirement for both of you, like you have been while they stayed home to raise your children. Think of how much you could save if their wage was 100% saved and invested for 10 years! That would mean you could both retire 5 years early and enjoy a comfortable retirement. It's extremely selfish to expect you to keep working while they enjoy a life of leisure at your expense.

Wait! Housewife. Thought it was ‘ardest job in the world.switched on 24/7. Chef,Doctor.Gardener.Accountant.Therapist, etc

Retiring from what

Don't think anyone has ever claimed that. Certainly have never seen anyone say or claim that.

But stay at home mother, when the kids are young, yep. All of the above.

She should have done what most women have always done, gone back to paid work when the kids started school. Time for her to step up now, since she chose not to do that.

As others have asked on here OP… what would be your ideal? That’s the only important thing here. You wouldn’t have posted on here if you were ok with the current plan so you must have an idea of how you’d like it to be. Are you able to communicate together about this or is it tricky?

No one can tell you the right thing to do for your marriage or wellbeing of your family.

However I do think this sounds incredibly entitled of your partner. Even if money isn’t a huge issue and they haven’t worked for a long time - there is Always a part time or full time job somewhere. Maybe not straight away but If they genuinely wanted to then there are jobs that may not pay lots but mean they are earning and contributing towards their pension.

In addition (and this may not be a popular opinion and my male friend who said it at the time turned out to be a complete dick) …

His DW had always been a SAHM and he benefited from that. It suited her too as she was happy to do the lion’s shAre at home. But once the DCs were older (mid way through secondary) he said he missed having her to spark off as they were such career people before. He found they had less and less in common as her life was small and his was big.. (translated in his eyes as more interesting)

As I said - I don’t agree with him as such and I don’t have any experience of being a SAHM - I have been a lone parent for 15 years now but I can totally imagine wanting to come home after work and have someone to spark off. Chat about respective days outside of the 4 walls of home.. I’m sure I’ll be flamed for this. I am talking about mid to older teens here who don’t necessarily need someone at home 24/7

Not everything has to be equal. This arrangement would work very well for some couples.

Plenty of people, men and women, like to do more than an equal half. Gives them pride and purpose to take care of someone and do things for others..

some people also don't care about relaxing while others do work. Some men can watch tv while their wives are manic around the house, and some wives can relax with friends while their husbands work every day.

It's only a problem if the side doing more resents it. And then it is a communication issue.

To say that every couple should be "fair" and that means equal effort, equal earnings, equal help.. is just asking for disappointment though. Because to some degree or more every relationship is unequal, and to some degree we can accept it. As long as those two don't become misaligned, your relationship is fine. And if they do - then it needs to be communicated.

What kind of job would you expect them to be able to get that would facilitate earning a pension?

The situation suited the earning partner for 18+ years. Its unreasonable to expect the SAHP to take any job at all just because it pays when they can obviously survive on one salary and have been doing so for years.

I think the SAHP should do the majority of the household chores now though.

I appreciate someone staying home to look after kids. When they're at school, it can be hard to find a job to allow pick-ups, drop-offs so it can work to have the SAHP look after the house in those hours so both partners enjoy more leisurely evenings and weekends. It must have progressively turned into a 'semi-retirement' anyway as the kids could get themselves to school and back and managed their own leisure time and snacks etc.

I suppose 'retirement' is all the kids now actually leaving the house at 18. It's obviously unfair if one person's job ends earlier than the other partner's and you need to discuss what works for you as a couple going forward. If you lost your job, you obviously wouldn't just unilaterally announce that means you're retired now and not look for something else while your partner continues to work!

The NI stamp is only for under 12’s now isn’t it?

so depending on ages of children? She may have managed about 15 years of contributions via child benefit. Not enough for the full claim.

So, OP, are you going to let your wife keep leeching off you? Or have you realised you're being a chump?

I really think it depends upon how each person feels. Both my own parents, in laws and myself have all had this traditional arrangement. Someone has to run a home and if one wants to, and the other doesn't, so long as they are happy it's fine.

Yep.

SAHP are dubious even when kids are young. Anyone who expects to be an able dependent after that is an entitled arsehole taking the piss.

You are within your rights to decline to be a wallet.

He said he was blindsided by her plan to keep leeching off him, so I'd say this untraditional arrangement doesn't suit him.

Traditionally, women have always worked for pay, of course. Claiming otherwise is a weird rewriting of history that seems to be currently fashionable.

https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/news/business/3239446/women-have-always-worked-for-pay/

https://www.campop.geog.cam.ac.uk/blog/2024/08/08/women-have-always-worked/

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree

They could be late 40s to early 59s with 15-20 years to go before pension eligibility. Any job is better than no job.

my god there seem to be a plethora of scheming leeches out there.

Why is it unreasonable to expect the sahp to get a job?

maybe the working parent would like to slow down their career, maybe drop a day. The sahp should be able to earn enough to fill that gap, get NI contributions and employers contribution toward a pension.

the situation may have suited the earning partner while the children were at home. Now they aren’t and both partners should have the option to take life a little easier.

i’m probably around the same age as o/p, and I certainly don’t want to be supporting dh at home now the kids are gone. I’m looking forward to reducing my own hours, getting some time for myself, travelling, and retiring as early as possible.

i’m not carrying on working full time so dh can swan around at home. Even on a min wage job if they’re salary gets chucked into pensions it can take a couple of years off my working life.

It's also worth it to say is who encouraged this in the first place. My uncle was happy for my aunt to be the SAHP and for her to do everything, then wanted her to go out and work when the kids were older and she was about 50. By then she had no friends or life as it had all revolved around the kids and also no confidence or motivation to work, having not had a job for 30+ years. Which did seem unfair as he had wanted that life, until he didn't. She also had no real skills or experience so the best she'd be able to do is some low paid job, which would be a bit pointless as they didn't need the money. He ended up leaving her for a younger woman that he worked with.