Stay at home parent looking forward to retirement

[Equalitystreets]

One partner is and has always been the sole breadwinner.

Other is a stay at home parent who as the children have gotten older has gradually had more free time during the day.

They always share the household chores equally.

When the children go to University, the stay at home parent has said they will be retiring and ‘they can’t wait’.

The partner with the job has at least another 15 years of work to do (and all their retirement funding will come from this partner’s investments, or investments set up in the stay at home parent’s name that were set up and funded by the working partner).

Is the stay at home partner being reasonable to declare their job is completed when the children are 18, even if the other partner has another 15 years of work to do?

Men have something called condoms and vasectomies. They don't have to have children.

If only women who wanted to be SAHM's had children, women would be having fewer children that they are already in this country.

If you are passionate about your work and want to spend lot of time on it (not talking about "normal" working hours to put food on the table) then why burden yourself with kids that you don't have any interest in

It is entirely possible to be passionate about your work, beyond putting food on the table, and still have interest in your children. How sad would it be if you had to choose between having an interesting, fulfilling career and having a family.

Absolutely.agree with @SouthLondonMum22 and @maddiemookins16mum
housewife, sahm it’s not a job. It’s doing your own domestic chores to your own standards on your own time. Listing the components of domestic task doesn’t make it any more arduous or worthy. Naming paying the bills ,sorting correspondence and packing school bags as life admin is over describing daily tasks and implying a level of skill and onerous time commitment that simply isn’t there.

Motherhood not a giving things up competition. Men have career,salary,progression and are expected to crack on working. No working father has ever been asked with the head tilt, do you feel guilty abandoning the children in the mere pursuit of money?.

work is a set of tasks undertaken to an external set of standards within a designated timeframe for financial remuneration. If those tasks are not undertaken to that standard you face a sanction eg sack, warning etc. paid work has a JD and a person spec and is paid. Work generates a revenue for your employer. Employer pays worker for the work undertaken to the prescribed standard. Working mean Taxes and NI are paid , monies redistributed in the economy.

Faffing at home undertaking tasks to your own standard isn’t a job. Stretching time to make domestic chore's fill a week isn’t a job, it’s faff and stretching time because you can. You can because you’re not working. So no, mutha and muthahood isn’t the ‘ardest job in the world. Because, it isn’t a job. End of

Well, thank you so much for clearing that up for us all and now that you have spoken the Lord’s word. That can be the end of the matter.

Yup, you’re welcome
Next?

If you say so @Zone2NorthLondon . You seem to care more than most SAHMs about this. Take a breath.

Thanks for that. I’ll add it life admin on my cv

Go and have a lie down first.

So because you worked as a nanny for some families, you think all families in a similar setup are exactly the same?

I'm incredibly passionate about my career but also incredibly interested in my children. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

yes the life admin involved in tapping that on an iPad was so arduous,
As an aside, I see your making pithy comments but no actual challenge….

Challenge to what?

I don't need to explain my life to you and it's amusing to see you so pent up about what is a SAHM, what they do, what they don't do, what does it all mean..,,

Oh you’re touchy! Well,so far, you told me to go have a lie down.But no substantial challenge

I am not wrong. SAHP is not a job. At all.End of

You’re simply being snippy, because I touched a nerve, you know I’m right
i eagerly await your next searing put down

whenever there's a SAHM/WOHM bunfight, many SAHMs describe their incredibly hardworking husbands, passionate about their careers, love what they do - but who are also excellent, loving and involved fathers.

If you're a woman though who wants more than just a job to pay the bills, you should not have had kids.

I'll never forget a similar thread to this recently where someone accused me of running away from my responsibilities as a parent because I work full time yet went on to describe her wonderful, amazing working DH who is involved with his children and included his schedule to make the point and the silence that followed when I said that's very similar to my schedule so if I'm running away from my responsibilities as a parent then how is he such a wonderful parent?

😂

I think it is time for a discussion. Just say now that kids are gone to Uni, obviously the SAHP doesn't apply and we need to talk again about how we make the extra free time work best for us, so that life is a little easier on both of us.

Maybe its looking at retirement figures and talk about options.
E.g. saying option 1, I could reduce my hours too so we move to a phase where we each have less stress and more time together, but that does mean we will only have this amount for retirement.
Option 2 to chat about is whether you feel you could take on some part-time work (and obviously bearing in mind that the SAHP might need some time to upskill again in whatever field they are interested in), so I can reduce my hours a bit so we each have some free time together and some stress, but have more money for retirement.
Option 3 is maybe you could take on some extra work that our lives take (housework etc), ie SAHP moves into housewife/husband role and I can keep working at the level I am but we have less stress and more free time at weekends/ evenings.

Obviously not!
Of course the early years are vital. I don't think anyone would deny that but to equate a child's success specifically to the working status of their mother (it always seems to be the mother specifically) is extremely naive and possibly reflects some insecurities in those posters who are showing off about their children having Oxbridge degrees.

I have never claimed to have a job, but that is a stupid conversation and I can't imagine why this matters so much to you.

Plenty of SAHMs in Zone2NorthLondon, by the way. Thoughts and prayers for the Hampstead SAHMs in their £15m mansions with a nanny flat and another for the housekeeper. Go and knock on their doors and tell them what they're doing wrong in life. They're bound to be super interested.

Some of us are much further along the journey, and what feels effortless in your 30s,40s really becomes much more challenging in your 50s and I’m sure into your 60s. The menopause kicks in, and it is noticeable.

The idea that you don’t need to parent teenagers is something I have only ever seen on MN!

Teens need twice as much parenting and guiding than they will ever need as toddlers. Unless you are uniquely checked out, they need picking up from parties late at night, help with life problems and support and help with the most important exams they will ever take. Learning life skills and building independence. It’s absolutely full on, and if it’s not for you then you probably have no idea what they are doing.
Yes they are independent but only to a certain degree.

I happen to think all women have value whether they are gardening and growing vegetables or working in the office/trading floors.

I think the revulsion here is around perceived laziness not a hatred of SAHP. I don’t know of anyone that lies around and does nothing all day regardless of working status.

Everyone I know is productive, contributing and dedicated to their families regardless of their salary level or otherwise. Maybe some are working harder, some less so, but most are doing their best. I wish this war would end. There isn’t a right or wrong way. There is just your way, the life you have crafted and chosen.

@turningpoints Touchy!
knock on doors? No doors, we all have gated entrances - one is given access. Buzzed through.
Yes thoughts and prayers for the women of NW3 gratefully received

Nobody said you don't need to parent teenagers. But I really can't see how one could spend full time 24/7 actively parenting them.
I would think something has gone wrong if my teenager needed as much hands on parenting and supervision as a toddler.

'Plenty of SAHMs in Zone2NorthLondon, by the way. Thoughts and prayers for the Hampstead SAHMs in their £15m mansions with a nanny flat and another for the housekeeper. Go and knock on their doors and tell them what they're doing wrong in life. They're bound to be super interested.'

In what way are wealthy SAHMs in Hampstead relevant here? Are you suggesting that they are a particularly arrogant group of parents who are least likely to listen to those who know about early years education? I've seen some very neglectful parents (why do those who are/have been SAHP always make this about mums btw?) at the very top end and the very bottom end.

knock on doors? No doors, we all have gated entrances - one is given access. Buzzed through.
Yes thoughts and prayers for the women of NW3 gratefully received

Your partner might regret it after a while because if you can't retire for fifteen years and your partner now has no kids to look after they will realise that everyday can start to be groundhog day stuck at home with not much to do.
I was out of work from early September to end of Jan due to redundancy and it wasn't fun or liberating because I couldn't do anything with my partner because he still worked, it was a lonely life really, didn't earn anything so couldn't keep spending anything and I'm not someone who would live at my partner's expense while he works full time.

I'd rather work and hey myself if possible into a position to retire earlier because I'm 6 years younger than my partner. Your partner may be draining money that stops you from retiring earlier or you both from doing as many things as you'd like to with your life together when you do retire. She will drain a lot of money if she's planning to live on it and have a good life for next 15 years while you work!

Of course teens need a lot of parenting. I don't think anyone has suggested otherwise. However, it is not necessary to have a parent constantly at home to manage to achieve this. That just seems to be an excuse made up by those who haven't worked for decades to justify themselves.
Perhaps I should point out that men are also capable of collecting teens from late night parties, supporting them with their exams, life problems, etc. My own father, who worked (my mother did not), did most of this, my own DH is good at it, as are my BILs. Again, making this all about women seems to be a way to justify your life.
Some SAHP are hardworking and effective parents and so are some working parents and visa versa. The working status is not relevant here. The individual family is what is relevant, although, of course, other things do make a significant difference too.

I see, you have a massive chip in your shoulder about your neighbours @Zone2NorthLondon