Stay at home parent looking forward to retirement

[Equalitystreets]

One partner is and has always been the sole breadwinner.

Other is a stay at home parent who as the children have gotten older has gradually had more free time during the day.

They always share the household chores equally.

When the children go to University, the stay at home parent has said they will be retiring and ‘they can’t wait’.

The partner with the job has at least another 15 years of work to do (and all their retirement funding will come from this partner’s investments, or investments set up in the stay at home parent’s name that were set up and funded by the working partner).

Is the stay at home partner being reasonable to declare their job is completed when the children are 18, even if the other partner has another 15 years of work to do?

I think it’s fine if the SAHP ‘transitions’
to bring what would have been called a housewife/husband. So takes care of the home, does all the regular cleaning and most cooking. Does the errands that need
to be done etc.

Then as a couple they spend evenings and weekends relaxing together and exploring hobbies etc.

If both parties agree, of course.

But surely you can't retire from being a stay at home parent because retirement is from a paid, contracted employment and - while so very valuable - SAHP doesn't fall into that category.

Of course it doesn’t sound very fair, no.

A SAHP doesn’t exist when the kids go to school. Sorry. It’s just laziness.

this is a silly comment because it depends entirely on the situation. For some families - eg loads of dc, some dc with special needs, dc who excel in sports and need ferrying about - a parent can still end up putting in 8 hours a day even if their dc is at school. Obviously this isn’t true for many, probably most dc, but a blanket statement is patently untrue.

You cannot call yourself a “stay at home parent” once your children are in full time education. That’s being unemployed.
SAHP is being ridiculous.

The children are older/ school age and approaching university age so yes the SAHP should be doing more chores than the parent working full time. It’s very different if they are looking after young children who are not yet of school age.

" the SAHP should be doing more chores than the parent working full time"

God who is counting this kind of shite? Get a cleaner if they're that bothered.

No wonder. If I was the breadwinner I would be mighty pissed off that my supposed partner is living the high life while I am out working to fund it.

As childcare needs decreased the SAHP should have been getting back into the workforce to help financially contribute to the family to allow the breadwinner to retire slightly earlier

Yes I’m the working partner. We have been lucky that it’s worked so far for us and we were able to afford to do this.
But we didn’t really discuss what would happen when the children grew up and left home. In now starting to have those discussions, I’ve been a bit blindsided by the ‘well my job is done and I’m retiring’ comments. I genuinely value the role of a stay at home parent by the way. I actually wanted to see perhaps how older couples in a similar situation had handled this - not have a huge pile on about how terrible each partner might be!

What does retirement mean in this context anyway? Children need support at uni household tasks still need doing. Will their life be that different in a few years time?

I think it depends how happy you both are with it.

and you’re not, so there needs to be a discussion.

I know my ex would work all hours he could rather than do any domestic work whatsoever, so for him, he would absolutely love to ‘have’ (not sure what verb I need), a spouse who didn’t do paid work but instead made his dinner and made sure the toilet roll was always full. (50/50 housework a no go there though)

I would sit down and go through the investments and work out what your hoisehold income is likely to be in retirement if your partner doesn't contribute at all.

Be honest about your frustrations, most of us can't afford to retire the minute our children leave home. It's not unreasonable to expect your partner to get a job now, so thar you can both enjoy a comfortabls retirement together.

It's understandable that the working partner would feel progressively resentful. Why doesn't the SAHP get work now so that they can both retire together? Both 'partners' should have equal free time. However, if you're not one of this couple it's not up to you.

OP - think about it this way. She / he has facilitated you to work all these years and, as you yourself admit, it's suited you just fine. Now, the kids have left, you expect her / him to get what kind of job exactly? Get real. His old is she / he?

You can't just expect someone to step out of the workforce to look after your kids so you can focus on you work without childcare costs / worries - then expect them to just pick up where they left off 20 years ago. Would you want to do a crap job at your age?

They may well decide to do something new, like start a business or retrain or something. Support them with that. You don't get your pound of flesh, as it suits you, and then get to call the shots as soon as it's expedient for you.

I know of a very similar set up to this and the non earning parent knows that at this stage it would be hard for them to earn a meaningful salary v that earned by their partner and so they do every home responsibility type job they possibly can including all the cooking (Inc preparing breakfasts and lunches left ready in the fridge) to ease the burden on the working partner so they can get on with their job, and rest or do exercise or joint activities in their free time. So in your scenario I think the non working person should take on all the jobs or start contributing financially, it's absolutely not at all fair on you.

For what it's worth, I think I'd feel the same as you. I'm not in your situation and have an enormous respect for SAHP - I couldn't do it. But, I think I'd find it a bit off that my partner was retiring 15 years earlier than me if I was and had been the sole breadwinner. If the partner had caring commitments to elderly parents/grandchildren or had disabilities, then that's not an issue at all. But, if this isn't the case, I don't think it would sit easily with me if they didn't want to do anything, even volunteering somewhere (which is well worthwhile).

Is this the man who is a stay at home parent? I can't think of many men who would put up with doing half the chores if they were earning all of the money.

Its tricky. Assuming that by one parent staying home full time has enabled the working parent to have a lot less responsibility for childcare, they have been able to focus on and progress Their career but it also means that the stay at home parent has really limited their own opportunities in the process, it might not be that easy for them to go and find a job if they've spent at least 18 years out of paid work to benefit their family.

Thank you. If I worked outside the home, I’d have to be constantly trying to modify my work schedule. So-and-So has a therapy appointment, What’s-Her-Name has a speech therapy appointment, my mother’s got to go help a relative and so I’ve got to stay with my dad who’s got Parkinson’s disease, my mother needs help declutterring the house now because my dad’s needing a walker sooner than anyone expected. Also, I’ve got ADHD and staying on top of everything around the house is about all I can manage. Both kids have ADHD too, and when they get home from school they want me because I understand them better than anyone.

This is the scenario in my example.

Also, where have the kids gone? Uni? Or moved out permanently?

It would depend on what was agreed between them at the time the arrangement was embarked on.

But I feel strongly everyone should make their own pension provision. Children are at school most of the day; what has the SAHP been doing in these latter years when DC was at secondary school?

Time for SAHP to look for paid work, even something part time and low skilled, to build up a pension.

Similar set up here except - when the kids went to primary I worked part time - 30 hours a week. When they were leaving secondary school I went part time.

We shared chores 50:50 when the kids were very little, then I did most when they got older and could help.

The main reason I swapped jobs was so we could have more holidays outside school hours and earn enough to put the kids in university and take the pressure off.

I earn less than DH but we share finances.

I think the SAHP is taking the piss.

SAHP won't be retiring as they aren't working. I think this parent needs to get a job. Maybe give the other parent a break!

it’s only reasonable if the working partner also has the option to retire when they choose.

what if they would quite like to not work and spend their days cooking and running errands?

what then?