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Original poster

Stay at home parent looking forward to retirement

1000 replies

Equalitystreets · 03/05/2025 23:19

One partner is and has always been the sole breadwinner.

Other is a stay at home parent who as the children have gotten older has gradually had more free time during the day.

They always share the household chores equally.

When the children go to University, the stay at home parent has said they will be retiring and ‘they can’t wait’.

The partner with the job has at least another 15 years of work to do (and all their retirement funding will come from this partner’s investments, or investments set up in the stay at home parent’s name that were set up and funded by the working partner).

Is the stay at home partner being reasonable to declare their job is completed when the children are 18, even if the other partner has another 15 years of work to do?

OP posts:
Finteq · 04/05/2025 00:31

And in 2 years time, when an elderly relative needs support.

Guess who will be expected to quit their job and do all the running around.

Op you are being unreasonable.

It's difficult to comment because we only have your point of view.

Your statement that the housework is split in half.

Your statement that the kids don't require any support- let's hope nothing changes and they don't need emotional support for any reason.

Your statement that your partners exact words were - they are retiring

I think if the OP was written by the partner it would read differently.

JesusOnAYamaha · 04/05/2025 00:31

Weird that you've never discussed plans for the future together.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 04/05/2025 00:37

The sah parent should probably do more of the housework!

But otherwise, I'd consider the kids going to uni as being semi retired - and I don't think that the sah parent should be made to go back to work, they deserve a break, raising kids is hard work!

blueshoes · 04/05/2025 00:37

Finteq · 04/05/2025 00:31

And in 2 years time, when an elderly relative needs support.

Guess who will be expected to quit their job and do all the running around.

Op you are being unreasonable.

It's difficult to comment because we only have your point of view.

Your statement that the housework is split in half.

Your statement that the kids don't require any support- let's hope nothing changes and they don't need emotional support for any reason.

Your statement that your partners exact words were - they are retiring

I think if the OP was written by the partner it would read differently.

'Retiring' in its plain meaning is not doing any work.

Not caring for elderly relatives or providing emotional support. And frankly as a ft WOHM with dcs who are still at home and an elderly parent with dementia who requires a lot of support, it makes me laugh that someone has to sit around just in case any of the above happen.

That's just life. People do that around a job.

Whatsgoingonherethenagain · 04/05/2025 00:37

Finteq · 04/05/2025 00:31

And in 2 years time, when an elderly relative needs support.

Guess who will be expected to quit their job and do all the running around.

Op you are being unreasonable.

It's difficult to comment because we only have your point of view.

Your statement that the housework is split in half.

Your statement that the kids don't require any support- let's hope nothing changes and they don't need emotional support for any reason.

Your statement that your partners exact words were - they are retiring

I think if the OP was written by the partner it would read differently.

It was my husband that quit his job to support an elderly relative. He was closer to retirement than me and his job was more flexible. He did some consultancy work around caring duties.

since when do people not get jobs “in case” someone might need some help in the future?
They may not have any elderly relatives.

MartinAynuss · 04/05/2025 00:38

Did the sahp do night wake ups? Because that tends to be more than a 8 hr shift. And the employed parent, what was the extent of their involvment? Because in my experience, the employed parent always tends to overstate their involvement in household chores and kid stuff

Velmy · 04/05/2025 00:39

You've left this until very late in the day, to the point that assumptions have been made.

Nothing you can do about that now, but you do need to have a serious discussion as soon as possible.

SAHP presumably won't have anywhere near the same earning potential, but that doesn't mean they should contribute at all.

You could frame it as "If you (SAHP) contribute X per month towards mortgage/bills/pension, I will be able to retire Y years sooner/our retirement income will be significantly greater."

Or you could outright state that you'll be dropping your financial contributions.

You should also not be splitting chores 50/50. If my OH or I didn't work, there's no way the one who did would be coming home to chores.

Whatsgoingonherethenagain · 04/05/2025 00:39

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 04/05/2025 00:37

The sah parent should probably do more of the housework!

But otherwise, I'd consider the kids going to uni as being semi retired - and I don't think that the sah parent should be made to go back to work, they deserve a break, raising kids is hard work!

And the person who’s been in full time employment for the last 20 years paying for it doesn’t deserve a break?

Perhaps o/p should retire as well. They deserve a bit of rest after supporting the children.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 04/05/2025 00:42

This isn't a black and white situation like so many are making out.

Some details are lacking in the post, but I'm basing my comment on the assumption that the OP is male, and the SAHP is his wife.

So, in terms of retirement funds, the OP should have been putting away money for their joint future as the wife has given up her earning potential to raise their joint children.

Now that those children are grown up, she's still a parent, but with much less parenting duties, she's likely in menopause, her body tired and exhausted, the thought of working full-time again will likely overwhelm her and fill her with dread. There is also the aspect that at her age and having been out of work for I'm guessing 20yrs or so, it won't be easy to get work and she may end up with minimum wage work.

It depends on her health but if she's fit and well, I do think she should be doing all of the housework and cooking etc. if the children are now adults and you're working full-time. If she's not in great health, then sharing that seems fair.

I'm a SAHM BUT I did invest prior to leaving my career so I do have an income from that. Our children are still young children, but I have started my own business for some income as well as the income I get from my investments. We do share housework, the way our household is, I'm out of the house a lot more than my WFH husband due to our children's busy daily activities. I won't be going back to work full-time when they are adults, I'll be approaching 60yrs old by then and my body is already exhausted with peri-menopause. It will be too late to go back to my career by then and my husband would prefer I didn't work NMW jobs. I'm not saying this is how I feel, but he sees it as 'degrading' as I was a higher earner before children - again, this isn't how I see it, but he'd rather I didn't work unless it was on great money, which is unlikely now.

Anyway, a sit down chat with your wife to see if she can pick up a lot more of the housework and cooking etc. to ease the burden on you would be a good place to start.

What exactly are your expectations? It would be difficult for her if she's in her 50's/60's to get back into full-time work both physically and trying to find suitable employment.

ETA I am aware that the sexes might be the other way around, and that may change things slightly then if you're the one going through menopause etc. so could understand why you'd want to share the financial burden then by you working less and your husband picking up part-time work to help with that. It's quite hard really without knowing a lot more details.

Realitydoesntcare · 04/05/2025 00:44

Their job is now over, and they can take up a new, paid job, to assist their life partner and ensure that their retirement is a good one. Part time would be fine, as they will undoubtedly still be doing a lot of tasks around the house, but yes of course they will now have to work for pay.

Blueskies25 · 04/05/2025 00:47

Equalitystreets · 03/05/2025 23:37

Yes I’m the working partner. We have been lucky that it’s worked so far for us and we were able to afford to do this.
But we didn’t really discuss what would happen when the children grew up and left home. In now starting to have those discussions, I’ve been a bit blindsided by the ‘well my job is done and I’m retiring’ comments. I genuinely value the role of a stay at home parent by the way. I actually wanted to see perhaps how older couples in a similar situation had handled this - not have a huge pile on about how terrible each partner might be!

Not fair. I would expect them to get a job and help fund their own lifestyle, why should you slave away to fund you both whilst the other is a person of leisure

Blueskies25 · 04/05/2025 00:49

Velmy · 04/05/2025 00:39

You've left this until very late in the day, to the point that assumptions have been made.

Nothing you can do about that now, but you do need to have a serious discussion as soon as possible.

SAHP presumably won't have anywhere near the same earning potential, but that doesn't mean they should contribute at all.

You could frame it as "If you (SAHP) contribute X per month towards mortgage/bills/pension, I will be able to retire Y years sooner/our retirement income will be significantly greater."

Or you could outright state that you'll be dropping your financial contributions.

You should also not be splitting chores 50/50. If my OH or I didn't work, there's no way the one who did would be coming home to chores.

You should also not be splitting chores 50/50. If my OH or I didn't work, there's no way the one who did would be coming home to chores

Agree
The OPs partner is entitled and taking the piss.

blueshoes · 04/05/2025 00:49

ReadingSoManyThreads · 04/05/2025 00:42

This isn't a black and white situation like so many are making out.

Some details are lacking in the post, but I'm basing my comment on the assumption that the OP is male, and the SAHP is his wife.

So, in terms of retirement funds, the OP should have been putting away money for their joint future as the wife has given up her earning potential to raise their joint children.

Now that those children are grown up, she's still a parent, but with much less parenting duties, she's likely in menopause, her body tired and exhausted, the thought of working full-time again will likely overwhelm her and fill her with dread. There is also the aspect that at her age and having been out of work for I'm guessing 20yrs or so, it won't be easy to get work and she may end up with minimum wage work.

It depends on her health but if she's fit and well, I do think she should be doing all of the housework and cooking etc. if the children are now adults and you're working full-time. If she's not in great health, then sharing that seems fair.

I'm a SAHM BUT I did invest prior to leaving my career so I do have an income from that. Our children are still young children, but I have started my own business for some income as well as the income I get from my investments. We do share housework, the way our household is, I'm out of the house a lot more than my WFH husband due to our children's busy daily activities. I won't be going back to work full-time when they are adults, I'll be approaching 60yrs old by then and my body is already exhausted with peri-menopause. It will be too late to go back to my career by then and my husband would prefer I didn't work NMW jobs. I'm not saying this is how I feel, but he sees it as 'degrading' as I was a higher earner before children - again, this isn't how I see it, but he'd rather I didn't work unless it was on great money, which is unlikely now.

Anyway, a sit down chat with your wife to see if she can pick up a lot more of the housework and cooking etc. to ease the burden on you would be a good place to start.

What exactly are your expectations? It would be difficult for her if she's in her 50's/60's to get back into full-time work both physically and trying to find suitable employment.

ETA I am aware that the sexes might be the other way around, and that may change things slightly then if you're the one going through menopause etc. so could understand why you'd want to share the financial burden then by you working less and your husband picking up part-time work to help with that. It's quite hard really without knowing a lot more details.

Edited

Lots of women go through menopause and still work. That is neither here nor there.

Realitydoesntcare · 04/05/2025 00:50

Realitydoesntcare · 04/05/2025 00:44

Their job is now over, and they can take up a new, paid job, to assist their life partner and ensure that their retirement is a good one. Part time would be fine, as they will undoubtedly still be doing a lot of tasks around the house, but yes of course they will now have to work for pay.

Just realised you have also been doing 50/50 chores. If this is accurate, and your wife has been at home with the kids and not working for pay for the last 18 years, and you have ALSO had to do half the chores, your wife has been taking the piss.

Codlingmoths · 04/05/2025 00:50

I’m not a sahm, but my mum was. When my youngest sibling started high school mum did a diploma and got a job, worked for the next 20 years and built up a healthy pension. I’m one of 6 so being a sahm to 6 was not at all cruisy!

Blueskies25 · 04/05/2025 00:50

Equalitystreets · 03/05/2025 23:37

Yes I’m the working partner. We have been lucky that it’s worked so far for us and we were able to afford to do this.
But we didn’t really discuss what would happen when the children grew up and left home. In now starting to have those discussions, I’ve been a bit blindsided by the ‘well my job is done and I’m retiring’ comments. I genuinely value the role of a stay at home parent by the way. I actually wanted to see perhaps how older couples in a similar situation had handled this - not have a huge pile on about how terrible each partner might be!

Do they have any employable skills / qualifications?

Tbrh · 04/05/2025 00:53

I'm a SAHM to a preschooler, I don't see how you can be a SAHP once your kids are about 12 as they are pretty self sufficient then! It really depends on what the working partner thinks and if they care, although it seems like a pretty raw deal for them especially as they do half of the housework and unless the SAHP has a very busy life I expect they'd be quite boring company. I wouldn't be surprised if the relationship is over once the kids move out.

Realitydoesntcare · 04/05/2025 00:54

Blueskies25 · 04/05/2025 00:50

Do they have any employable skills / qualifications?

Show quote history

If not, now is the time to retrain. There are also lots of entry level jobs she can get, if she has chosen not to keep herself updated with qualifications and skills, call centres are often willing to train older staff, cleaners are always in demand.

The main thing is to get out there and get looking.

TisILeClair · 04/05/2025 00:54

Married or not? (relates to legal ownership of the investments).

ReadingSoManyThreads · 04/05/2025 00:55

blueshoes · 04/05/2025 00:49

Lots of women go through menopause and still work. That is neither here nor there.

Show quote history

I'm aware of that, however, take myself as an example, I haven't worked full-time for over a decade. I'm now in peri-menopause and I'm really struggling with it. I would absolutely struggle with all of a sudden being in full-time employment. I'm suffering with really severe exhaustion currently, to the point of only being able to feel "awake" for a few hours per day at the moment. There's no way I could work full-time like this.

It's like the boiled frog, if you've been working and it starts, you just deal with it and get on with it, but if you're just thrown into the pot of boiling water, it's not quite the same!

Realitydoesntcare · 04/05/2025 00:55

In reply to @Tbrh We all went back to work when our kids started full time school, except for one woman who was totally fanatical about cleaning, cooking, gardening, the lots. She had an absolutely beautiful home and ran her life around her husband, son and the home. Boring as fuck to me, but she seemed happy and so did he.

But yeah, for most women, as soon as the kids start school you start working for pay again, it's always been that way.

tinyspiny · 04/05/2025 00:57

I think you’ve left it too late to have the conversation what type of employment do you imagine they will get ?

Realitydoesntcare · 04/05/2025 00:58

ReadingSoManyThreads · 04/05/2025 00:55

I'm aware of that, however, take myself as an example, I haven't worked full-time for over a decade. I'm now in peri-menopause and I'm really struggling with it. I would absolutely struggle with all of a sudden being in full-time employment. I'm suffering with really severe exhaustion currently, to the point of only being able to feel "awake" for a few hours per day at the moment. There's no way I could work full-time like this.

It's like the boiled frog, if you've been working and it starts, you just deal with it and get on with it, but if you're just thrown into the pot of boiling water, it's not quite the same!

Show quote history

I don't think the OP expects his wife to work full time. Part time work is doable even if you are experiencing a bit of a crappy menopause, as I did.

If you can, please get as much expert advice from menopause clinics and naturopaths and doctors as you can and don't just put up with feeling like you have a bad flu all the time, that's what my menopause felt like, it was awful, amazing how much better I felt once I started an estrogen cream, changed my diet and added some natural remedies to the mix.

Realitydoesntcare · 04/05/2025 00:59

tinyspiny · 04/05/2025 00:57

I think you’ve left it too late to have the conversation what type of employment do you imagine they will get ?

Anything is better than being a leech, surely?

Whatsgoingonherethenagain · 04/05/2025 00:59

Presumably as well if they’ve been out of work for so long they haven’t paid their NI?

so they won’t even have state pension. At the very least getting back to work will pay another 10 years and incre

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