Page 6 | Stay at home parent looking forward to retirement

Equalitystreets · 2025-05-03T22:19:50+00:00

One partner is and has always been the sole breadwinner. Other is a stay at home parent who as the children have gotten older has gradually had more free time during the day. They always share the household chores equally. When the children go to University, the stay at home parent has said they will be retiring and ‘they can’t wait’. The partner with the job has at least another 15 years of work to do (and all their retirement funding will come from this partner’s investments, or investments set up in the stay at home parent’s name that were set up and funded by the working partner). Is the stay at home partner being reasonable to declare their job is completed when the children are 18, even if the other partner has another 15 years of work to do?

Realitydoesntcare · 04/05/2025 01:53

TheHerboriste · 04/05/2025 01:45

Yep.

SAHP are dubious even when kids are young. Anyone who expects to be an able dependent after that is an entitled arsehole taking the piss.

You are within your rights to decline to be a wallet.

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I disagree that it's dubious up until school age, there's an enormous amount goes into baby to school age kids and running a house and all the extra jobs needed for all the family if you are a good mother/sahm.

But it sounds like he does half the housework too, and always has, so she really is a piss taker.

I remember doing back to work retraining in preparation for my youngest starting school, I could see that my free time would be massive compared to the prvious few years and wanted to do the right thing and be an equal partner - not to mention having my own money.

I think once the youngest is in school and you are not earning money, you are deffo leeching and taking the micky, unless there are exceptional circumstances of some kind.

Blueskies25 · 04/05/2025 01:54

Realitydoesntcare · 04/05/2025 01:18

I think she'll push back no matter what, so he just needs to insist she gets a job, and keep insisting and refuse to listen to excuses. The type of job is a red herring, though yes she might use that to continue to try to get out of doing her fair share.

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Agree
I think we need to stop assuming that the stay at home parent is a woman in this scenario,** I have an inkling it’s actually a male due to the vague nature of the OPs post

Realitydoesntcare · 04/05/2025 01:55

Tbrh · 04/05/2025 01:49

It's also worth it to say is who encouraged this in the first place. My uncle was happy for my aunt to be the SAHP and for her to do everything, then wanted her to go out and work when the kids were older and she was about 50. By then she had no friends or life as it had all revolved around the kids and also no confidence or motivation to work, having not had a job for 30+ years. Which did seem unfair as he had wanted that life, until he didn't. She also had no real skills or experience so the best she'd be able to do is some low paid job, which would be a bit pointless as they didn't need the money. He ended up leaving her for a younger woman that he worked with.

Earning your own money is NEVER pointless. It gives you choices, pride and a sense of achievement at minimum. And if they don't need the money she can save it all and buy them both a treat when they both, actually, retire.

Realitydoesntcare · 04/05/2025 01:56

Blueskies25 · 04/05/2025 01:54

Agree
I think we need to stop assuming that the stay at home parent is a woman in this scenario,** I have an inkling it’s actually a male due to the vague nature of the OPs post

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I'm going to keep assuming it is a man who works for pay and his wife has been a stay at home mother and now leeching off him, as that is by far most likely.

If the OP gives more information I will be happy to change to suit that. Edited to add - I think he tried to be vague so as to try to get a fair response.

LilyJosephine · 04/05/2025 02:00

While YANBU in principle, you do need to be aware of how difficult it might be for them to get a job after 15 plus? years out of work (assuming they have been a SAHP from day 1 and the kid/s are almost university age).

At a minimum they will probably need retraining courses, volunteer work etc before getting anywhere , so it could take a while and be very daunting. The alternative might be to look into fields that are always recruiting - such as care work, but that doesn’t suit everyone.

It’s a tough one for you both and ideally a conversation that should have been had much earlier unfortunately.

Realitydoesntcare · 04/05/2025 02:04

TheHerboriste · 04/05/2025 01:47

They could be late 40s to early 59s with 15-20 years to go before pension eligibility. Any job is better than no job.

my god there seem to be a plethora of scheming leeches out there.

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I don't get it. Maybe they are buying this new (and very untrue) rewrite we are constantly fed about how women used to stay home and men worked. I can't imagine not wanting to earn your own money or be totally dependent on a man for everything. So strange.

Realitydoesntcare · 04/05/2025 02:07

LilyJosephine · 04/05/2025 02:00

While YANBU in principle, you do need to be aware of how difficult it might be for them to get a job after 15 plus? years out of work (assuming they have been a SAHP from day 1 and the kid/s are almost university age).

At a minimum they will probably need retraining courses, volunteer work etc before getting anywhere , so it could take a while and be very daunting. The alternative might be to look into fields that are always recruiting - such as care work, but that doesn’t suit everyone.

It’s a tough one for you both and ideally a conversation that should have been had much earlier unfortunately.

Edited

No, she'll be fine, there are loads of entry level jobs out there, if she hasn't chosen to stay qualified and skilled. Call centres are always looking for people and those jobs nearly always come with training, once she's in doing that she can look around for something better if it doesn't suit her.

Best thing is for her to just start looking, immediately for work, rather than faffing around any more. And sure she could get volunteering immediately while also hunting for paid work, as doing anything at all is better than choosing to do nothing, resume wise.

NamechangeJunebaby · 04/05/2025 02:20

It doesn’t sound like you have much of a partnership. Did you agree when your DP left work when the first child was born that you’d want them to return to work when the youngest was old enough?

I’ve always worked. So has my husband. If he’d ever said to me he was retiring early and I had to continue to fund his lifestyle of meeting friends for lunch and shopping I’d be mightily pissed off if I couldn’t afford to retire for more than a decade. So I think your partner should work at least part time and then you’ve money to invest so that YOU can retire in less than fifteen years.

That’s what true partners that respect each other and care for each other would do.

And to those who are using menopause as an ‘excuse’ - I have several disabilities, had a really shitty time in peri and am now post menopausal (yes the aches and tiredness are still there) but I still managed to plough my way through a sometimes stressful very full on job. I’d be embarrassed to expect my DH to be the only wage earner - being married is a joint venture that we both need to contribute to.

ClassicalQueen · 04/05/2025 02:21

The SAHP needs to get a job, even if something part time. It’s not fair that the other partner has to work for the next 15 years whilst the SAHP has unlimited leisure time.

TheHerboriste · 04/05/2025 02:26

Realitydoesntcare · 04/05/2025 02:04

I don't get it. Maybe they are buying this new (and very untrue) rewrite we are constantly fed about how women used to stay home and men worked. I can't imagine not wanting to earn your own money or be totally dependent on a man for everything. So strange.

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Both my grandmothers (born 1910 and 1917) always worked for pay, as has every other woman in my extended family, going back 100 years.

Leeching and being dependent is incomprehensible to us.

BlondiePortz · 04/05/2025 02:37

Tbrh · 04/05/2025 01:49

It's also worth it to say is who encouraged this in the first place. My uncle was happy for my aunt to be the SAHP and for her to do everything, then wanted her to go out and work when the kids were older and she was about 50. By then she had no friends or life as it had all revolved around the kids and also no confidence or motivation to work, having not had a job for 30+ years. Which did seem unfair as he had wanted that life, until he didn't. She also had no real skills or experience so the best she'd be able to do is some low paid job, which would be a bit pointless as they didn't need the money. He ended up leaving her for a younger woman that he worked with.

But that was in her to do what worked for her, time and time again women leave all their thinking to men

Tbrh · 04/05/2025 02:40

BlondiePortz · 04/05/2025 02:37

But that was in her to do what worked for her, time and time again women leave all their thinking to men

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Sure and we all make our choices, I don't think she would think he'd leave her at 60 for a 40 year old though. That's just my point though, he wwas perfectly happy and if anything encouraged it all.

YankSplaining · 04/05/2025 03:19

ReadingSoManyThreads · 04/05/2025 00:42

This isn't a black and white situation like so many are making out.

Some details are lacking in the post, but I'm basing my comment on the assumption that the OP is male, and the SAHP is his wife.

So, in terms of retirement funds, the OP should have been putting away money for their joint future as the wife has given up her earning potential to raise their joint children.

Now that those children are grown up, she's still a parent, but with much less parenting duties, she's likely in menopause, her body tired and exhausted, the thought of working full-time again will likely overwhelm her and fill her with dread. There is also the aspect that at her age and having been out of work for I'm guessing 20yrs or so, it won't be easy to get work and she may end up with minimum wage work.

It depends on her health but if she's fit and well, I do think she should be doing all of the housework and cooking etc. if the children are now adults and you're working full-time. If she's not in great health, then sharing that seems fair.

I'm a SAHM BUT I did invest prior to leaving my career so I do have an income from that. Our children are still young children, but I have started my own business for some income as well as the income I get from my investments. We do share housework, the way our household is, I'm out of the house a lot more than my WFH husband due to our children's busy daily activities. I won't be going back to work full-time when they are adults, I'll be approaching 60yrs old by then and my body is already exhausted with peri-menopause. It will be too late to go back to my career by then and my husband would prefer I didn't work NMW jobs. I'm not saying this is how I feel, but he sees it as 'degrading' as I was a higher earner before children - again, this isn't how I see it, but he'd rather I didn't work unless it was on great money, which is unlikely now.

Anyway, a sit down chat with your wife to see if she can pick up a lot more of the housework and cooking etc. to ease the burden on you would be a good place to start.

What exactly are your expectations? It would be difficult for her if she's in her 50's/60's to get back into full-time work both physically and trying to find suitable employment.

ETA I am aware that the sexes might be the other way around, and that may change things slightly then if you're the one going through menopause etc. so could understand why you'd want to share the financial burden then by you working less and your husband picking up part-time work to help with that. It's quite hard really without knowing a lot more details.

Edited

I mostly agree, but I don’t think she should be doing all the housework and cooking. I think she should be doing a lot of it while her husband is at work, but if you ever want two people to hate each other, create a situation where one able-bodied adult is expected to clean up every single mess for another able-bodied adult.

FrodoBiggins · 04/05/2025 03:21

Tbrh · 04/05/2025 01:49

It's also worth it to say is who encouraged this in the first place. My uncle was happy for my aunt to be the SAHP and for her to do everything, then wanted her to go out and work when the kids were older and she was about 50. By then she had no friends or life as it had all revolved around the kids and also no confidence or motivation to work, having not had a job for 30+ years. Which did seem unfair as he had wanted that life, until he didn't. She also had no real skills or experience so the best she'd be able to do is some low paid job, which would be a bit pointless as they didn't need the money. He ended up leaving her for a younger woman that he worked with.

Cheating of course not excusable.

But confused about being a stay at home parent for "30+ years" unless massive age gaps and loads of kids needing lots of care during working hours?

Also I think it's fair for a person to want "that life" (young children to be cared for by a parent at home) but to recognise that need disappears when the children are at uni and then you're just working to pay for someone to do very little all day, which is very different.

HerfNerder · 04/05/2025 03:26

As others have mentioned, getting a job after so many years of being a SAHP isn't likely to be easy, and the job probably won't be a high-paying or particularly enjoyable or 'fulfilling' one. That doesn't mean it's not a possibility, but if your financial situation is comfortable, I wouldn't think it's a must-do.

However, imo the SAHP should already have been taking care of most of the day to day work around the house on their own, definitely by the time the children were in school. I'd suggest that if they're not planning to find work outside the home, the former SAHP should now take over all the chores and home admin, as well as continuing to support the children as needed. If you have older family nearby, the SAHP is also typically the one who will offer assistance, if they require it.

daisychain01 · 04/05/2025 03:37

turningpoints · 03/05/2025 23:25

Why would you care?

Because the OP is either one of the two people (I.e. the SAHP wanting to retire or the working parent with 15 years to go).

blackgreenandgrey · 04/05/2025 03:37

how old is the sahp now and how many year have they been out of work?

Whilst on the surface, it appears lacy to 'retire' now it's hard to judge without more context. the job marked is tough and without recent work experiences, training and qualifications, I can see why it may not be the most appealing thing to to and work in a what will probably be a NMW job. It sounds like you are very well off (as sahp never needed to work which is extremely unusual and you talk of investments etc).

I guess you earn well and you only have been able to achieve what you did professionally because you had a partner at home who took care of the DC and largely enabled you to get where you are now. Sounds like the sahp completely sacrificed their career to enable yours.

DarkForces · 04/05/2025 03:48

Can you clarify what retirement means in this context @Equalitystreets? Not looking for a job or stopping doing housework etc? Retirement in the context you've set out doesn't make sense. What are they retiring from?

Realitydoesntcare · 04/05/2025 04:04

YankSplaining · 04/05/2025 03:19

I mostly agree, but I don’t think she should be doing all the housework and cooking. I think she should be doing a lot of it while her husband is at work, but if you ever want two people to hate each other, create a situation where one able-bodied adult is expected to clean up every single mess for another able-bodied adult.

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He said it was 50/50. This is taking the absolute piss. Yes, she should have been doing every scrap of housework, house management, every single thing 5 days a week. On the weekends they could both have chipped in. That would have been reasonably fair. Now, of course, she's just a bludger.

Realitydoesntcare · 04/05/2025 04:06

daisychain01 · 04/05/2025 03:37

Because the OP is either one of the two people (I.e. the SAHP wanting to retire or the working parent with 15 years to go).

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He clarified in his third post that he is the working partner, his wife is the leech.

FortyElephants · 04/05/2025 04:10

More fool you for supporting a partner not to work for the entire time. What outcome did you foresee? They can hardly get back into a well paid career now. You've made yourself an expensive lifelong dependent.

Realitydoesntcare · 04/05/2025 04:11

FortyElephants · 04/05/2025 04:10

More fool you for supporting a partner not to work for the entire time. What outcome did you foresee? They can hardly get back into a well paid career now. You've made yourself an expensive lifelong dependent.

No need for it to be a well paid job. She can just get an ordinary job and if they don't need the money, all the better. She can save everything for their joint retirement.

DaisyChain505 · 04/05/2025 04:14

It was great that you were able to provide for the whole family so your partner didn’t have to leave the home to work and could focus on your children full time however if the children are no longer there or are of adult age your partner needs to now be bringing in a wage again.

Imagine if you said it was time to switch roles and you wanted to now be the stay at home parent whilst they worked. Im sure they wouldn’t agree with that as there’s no children to actually look after anymore!

AzurePanda · 04/05/2025 04:22

I’m in a similar position to @ReadingSoManyThreads . A SAHM but I made and saved enough in my 20 +year career to fund my own pension and contribute hugely to the mortgage repayments and so on.

Dh still works ft in a demanding full on job and as a result I do almost all of the housework (no cleaner) and all of the cooking, shopping, laundry and animal care. I have plenty of time, he doesn’t. It’s important to me that he sees that I am also busy and contributing and as a result even through our children have all left home there is absolutely no resentment.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 04/05/2025 04:24

Well, if their job has been raising the children to the age of majority then technically yes, their job is done once the children have all passed that age. Being a parent is for life but the 'job' of raising them has an end date.

If the money earning partner has a problem with that then they need to use their words.