Stay at home parent looking forward to retirement

[Equalitystreets]

One partner is and has always been the sole breadwinner.

Other is a stay at home parent who as the children have gotten older has gradually had more free time during the day.

They always share the household chores equally.

When the children go to University, the stay at home parent has said they will be retiring and ‘they can’t wait’.

The partner with the job has at least another 15 years of work to do (and all their retirement funding will come from this partner’s investments, or investments set up in the stay at home parent’s name that were set up and funded by the working partner).

Is the stay at home partner being reasonable to declare their job is completed when the children are 18, even if the other partner has another 15 years of work to do?

My point is that they will never be equal. They both accepted that inequality. It was the deal they made. Or so she thought. There are many new arrangements that might work for them. But the fact that both of them seem to have misunderstood the original deal is unfortunately bound to lead to resentment.

No, they really don’t unless they are child free or happy to live in squalor. There are only so many hours in a day.

Are you suggesting that unless people earn the same, or at all or work more or less the same hours then there is inbuilt inequality? It must be very hard to live with such awful draconian captalist conditions.

Here people get respect automatically if they are decent people, and we see all contribution, whether it is paid or unpaid as contributing. Your world sounds like a dystopic dog eat dog environment, and the last place anyone would want to live. Where are you? So we know never to go there.

Here, people choose all different types of lifestyles; and they are treated equally regardless.

I am not quite sure what « reasonable » but you sound jealous as hell! Or opiniated at the very least…

I mean how do you know for sure that he has 15years to work? Maybe their in serments will allow him to finish before? Maybe HE WANTS to work until the furthest?

the good question is why oh why it bothers you. Except if you are him? Secretely in love with him? His mother and think that she should work harder for your fab son? His sis that need a more available uncle for babysitting??

yes, OP is the working parent and OP has posted that they need to work another 25 years. So it is very much their business.

Oh dear!

so the op made a deal that he now regrets…

why did it work before? Hopefully not because his wife was doing the lion share at home with children but now that he is the one working more…tantrum? And she should be doing more forever until he stops so that he always he made the good choice of hard working woman?

arf. Both of you don’t seem like in a couple anyway. Investments should be in both name, you should be talking to each other and not try to get the most out of each other.

My DH pays plenty of tax thanks, and is underpaid by the government, as I was for the decade I taught for the hours and difference we both made to many deprived children, so they’ve had a pretty good deal out of our household so far thanks.

We have a traditional view of marriage where we believe we are a team and don’t view our household in an individualistic way. This used to be the norm that households were taxed as a unit, not on the individuals living in them, and still is in other countries, which thankfully value SAHPs/home makers far more than our current horrible, selfish, individualistic society.

I have saved the government plenty of money not relying on paid childcare and providing unpaid care for severely unwell elderly family members. I will continue to do this for other members of our extended family. Many forget/overlook that SAHPs often have other huge caring responsibilities to their extended families too, not just their own children. I spent months caring for my late FIL and juggling running his household with my own. It was a pleasure to see him feeling reassured staying in his own home.

I spend hours each week volunteering as a school governor. Hours listening to children read who have zero interest or support at home, who come to school filthy, pale, hungry and sticking of cannabis. I have already supported my children’s school through 2 OFSTEDs, receiving excellent feedback. I oversee health and safety for the whole school and the running of the whole Nursery/EYFS. I go on school trips so they can run safely. I am about to spend hours monitoring and supporting the school through their Year 6 SATs, which they legally need a governor to do. So yeah, I may not be teaching, but I think this government-ran school still benefits from my hours of unpaid work. My Head and Chair certainly express a great deal of appreciation.

I am far, far happier being married to my amazing husband and focusing all my efforts and talents on him and our lovely children than I would be being single, alone, oh but ticking the tax paying box!

Quite why you are so awful towards SAHPs, who are basically people who spend all their time caring for everyone around them, I don’t know.

Sure, single people and married couples DO have these tasks to fit in around work, but come on, surely anybody gets that things like laundry and cooking massively increase when you have children? Who naturally get their clothes dirtier quicker, who spill more food in your dining room?

My brother who is single and works FT ends up ordering from Deliveroo most nights, as he can afford to and can’t be bothered to cook. He has a small flat which sits empty for the majority of the week, and is therefore quick to sort at the weekend. That is far easier than somebody running a whole house for 4+ people! 😂

Do you seriously delude yourself that only SAHP volunteer or contribute to their communities?

Many of us do what you do AND earn.

Of course, but on my governing board actually the people who also work do understandably miss more of the meetings/visits, and they admit they often haven’t read all of the materials in advance as thoroughly. My attendance is 100% and I thoroughly read everything, make a list of questions, challenge and hold leaders to account. I speak up in the majority of meetings as I’m better prepared, whilst others as very quiet because they haven’t read everything, so they are less effective. We are absolutely supposed to be holding leaders to account, not just sitting silently through meetings. When I take on anything, I really want to fulfil it properly, not cram my time with loads of things to make a point which I would then fail to execute well.

I’m sorry but this post really annoyed me mainly because you seem to be making the assumption that people who work full or part time do not do everything you do and their job.

Firstly being a SAHP doesn’t equate to being a carer for elderly or ill relatives this is a separate task to being SAHP of course you can be both and likewise you can work and be a carer.

Volunteering again something that many many workers also do, being a SAHP doesn’t allow you to do this, this the majority of SAHP don’t do this. I work with school Governance and the vast majority of school governors are people who work and/or are retired from a professional career because it is those skills that the schools/educational trusts require and benefit from. Even when a Governing body complete a skills audit for the NGA they are looking for set skills and/or experience from professional careers. My one DH works full time, is a school governor and volunteers to coach both DC’s in their chosen sports. Myself I also volunteer in different areas alongside my job. You just are either the sort of person who wants to give back to your local community or your not it has nothing to do with whether you work or not.

And finally I do not think posters are generally awful to SAHP however they do tend to point out that even though they work whether that is full time or part time and they still complete the same tasks as a SAHP, and that is what SAHP’s do not seem to like, they see it as personal attacks, it’s not I think everyone agrees that being a SAHP is hard when children are pre-school. I know when I was a SAHP for period when one of my DD’s was preschool age because I had nothing else the tasks became huge and all consuming but the reality is that wasn’t the case.

I’m actually fed up of people working making out they do ‘everything I do and their job’, because that is untrue. They do not do exactly the same as I do for the exact amount of hours.

Last Friday, for example, I dropped both children off at 8.30am, went in as I do weekly to play with DD (3), went home, hoovered, gardened, prepared all the food for a double play date. I collected my DD at 11.30am and took her to her picnic/park play date with another SAHM. I then collected my older son at 1.30pm (he school finishes early every Friday) with 2 of his friends and spent the whole afternoon actively supervising and engaging with them at the park, in our garden, feeding them, helping them negotiate and sort out any arguments, etc. I often look after his friends while both their parents work, which is a pleasure because they are my friends too.

There is absolutely no way I would be doing all of that if I had a FT job at those hours of the day!

It annoys me when working parents cannot bear to hear SAHPs standing up for themselves and actually proudly stating what we DO spend our time doing. We’re not hidden, quiet women you know, I’m extremely confident and outspoken!

I would actually advise strongly any working parent to befriend us on the school run. Last week 2 of my working friends asked me to feedback to them on a phonics information meeting I attended in the middle of the day at school, which I did in extensive detail. I regularly get requests to interact/film children at events when friends can’t attend. Again, more than happy to do this. We are not your enemy and will actually support you when you are at work 🤷🏻‍♀️

What a strange post. We know that the working partner has 15 years left to work before retirement because they told us in the OP:

'The partner with the job has at least another 15 years of work to do'

Do you think that anyone who thinks that this is unfair on the working partner is related to them or in love with them? Bizarre!

You seem to have taken an idealogical stance against married women with children working outside the home. It does seem quite regressive and classist as only women with wealthy husbands could afford to do what you do and have an affluent standard of living.

Most families would struggle financially if the mum stopped working completely when children were born and never went back to work, even when the children became more independent. This is a privileged position, available only to the wealthy.

It’s actually very doable if you live within your means, stay in a smaller home and pay off a fair bit or your mortgage before starting a family. Many though prefer a 4+ bedroom house, 2 cars, multiple foreign holidays, etc. Horses for courses, but you are incorrect to assume all SAHMs are wealthy, I know many where Dad does a manual job and they have very little left over for themselves, but they value time more. Each to their own 👌🏻

Women should do whatever they want, and yes that absolutely does include being a SAHM/home maker! That is my choice.

@OutandAboutMum1821the only difference in your day there to mine as a working parent is you played a bit more with your children. I also play with mine after work. But whilst you were playing I was earning money so both equally valid tasks for raising children.

My under-7s genuinely prefer the playing though! They are children, we spend hours playing boards games, reading, doing arts and crafts, exploring outdoors, gardening together every single day and it is heaven for us all, wouldn’t change a thing 😊

« Except if you are him »… which he apparently is.

Quantity isn’t important. Quality is. Working parents aren’t hovering unnecessarily and stretching out inconsequential tasks to fill their days.

Working parents raise happy, healthy & productive humans, AND financially support their families, fund pensions, pay taxes and contribute to the greater economy.

There is no amount of wishful thinking and self-delusion that can change those facts.

Revolving one’s consequential life choices around how small children prefer to be entertained isn’t very strategic. Those games aren’t going to bolster your old-age pension or support you if you find yourself suddenly needing to be the breadwinner.

Well research actually backs up that SAHPs benefit their children academically AND emotionally at all ages and stages.

Yes and research backs up that women whose mothers worked outside the home are more likely to have jobs themselves, are more likely to hold supervisory responsibility at those jobs, and earn higher wages than women whose mothers stayed home full time. Men raised by working mothers are more likely to contribute to household chores and spend more time caring for family members.

No worries on that front- I own my own home, saved a substantial amount of money before I quit my job, life insurance policies covering all eventualities, have my Mum 10 mins away with spare bedrooms and an open job offer at my children’s school, but thanks for your concern.

Fab, sounds like both choices are valid then- pick your fave! 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't think anyone would reasonably claim that a working parent can simultaneously be in the office and also playing in the park with their toddler.

OPs kids are grown though. I can't think of actual household and childcare tasks that could only be done by SAHM and not by working parents in this situation.