Stay at home parent looking forward to retirement

[Equalitystreets]

One partner is and has always been the sole breadwinner.

Other is a stay at home parent who as the children have gotten older has gradually had more free time during the day.

They always share the household chores equally.

When the children go to University, the stay at home parent has said they will be retiring and ‘they can’t wait’.

The partner with the job has at least another 15 years of work to do (and all their retirement funding will come from this partner’s investments, or investments set up in the stay at home parent’s name that were set up and funded by the working partner).

Is the stay at home partner being reasonable to declare their job is completed when the children are 18, even if the other partner has another 15 years of work to do?

I don’t agree that it’s every waking hour once the children are in full time education. They also split household chores 50/50 and the working parent has 15 more years to work, that’s a long time.

There certainly seems to be a lot of gnashing of teeth from people who aren’t actually affected by the dynamic themselves.

SAHM is taking the piss, go and get a job and stop sponging

Yes you are being unreasonable. Yes you are being spineless in bringing a conversation here instead of discussing with your partner. You are also being unreasonsble in expecting reasonable advice from people who are equally spineless and hiding their resentment from their partner or are resentful they are not successful enough to be a sole breadwinner and provide entirely for their family. No shame in that unless you start thinking you have sage-like wisdom to offer others. Either way, couples make choices together without seeking opinions from people with less intelligence than roadkill with a head injury.

A full time min wage job after tax and NI will bring in £22,181 per year (assuming a personal tax free allowance of £12,570). It could all go into savings/ pension if they don't need the money to live on. This would reduce the burden on the OP (who could retire earlier if funding retirement was a joint effort) not to mention the resentment.

I think it's pretty clear from only reading a couple of posts that you work hard for the good of your family and set high standards, just not in paid employment. It sounds as if your DH appreciates your contribution which is the most important thing.
I think the problem arises when one partner is unhappy with the balance. When one partner really doesn't pull their weight (as in the OP's example), this is far more likely to occur. Imo, a marriage or long term relationship is about supporting each other so I must admit that I do judge when one partner does not do this. I do think there is a risk, with a long term SAHP that they can start to rest on their laurels and/or find it increasingly difficult to deal with simple tasks because they are often, although not always, less challenged. I saw this with my only mother, for example, who had previously been a capable professional. It isn't universal though. The most important things, imo, are that both partners are content with an arrangement and that you are both involved in planning carefully for your financial future, whatever life throws at you.

Exactly!

Don’t be ridiculous. Op would need to fund travelling to and from work (expensive here at nearly £800 a month) work clothes and associated costs. Not to mention the need for help at home, as op won’t be able to do it all. The cost to op as he has to now do uni runs etc and scrub the house at the weekend.

What all? OP does 50% and kids will be adults and moved out. So the SAHP can't be expected to work and...take care of themselves?

Well say she gets a job in a local shop. The commute isn’t going to cost £800/month is it. Or how does she do the groceries?

i bike to work. Commuting costs 0, plus no need for gym membership. That’s one cost pp mentioned for sahm, seeing as they go to the gym in the day.

“uni runs” are 6 days a year. And most uni students are perfectly capable of getting themselves to uni. I did. Trains and busses exist.

it is perfectly possible to hold down a job and do cleaning and chores. Before all these women became sahp, who did their cleaning for them? Single people work and do housework, married people work and share housework.

Is the stay at home partner being reasonable to declare their job is completed when the children are 18,

Although some do, retiring from parenting isn’t the norm...letting DC go off into the big wide world is.

Will the stay at home partner, which in this case is your DW understand if you took the same stance and declared that your job to support those DC financially will also end when they reach 18, along with your support for her having done so.

But I don't think you are being unreasonable...yes it depends on what she intends to do but I'd be rather miffed if my other half decided they were going to retire while I still worked full time and did 50/50 at home too.

A lot of SAHM's become ladies of leasure, some continue to do the basic household chores while others go further and do the gardening and decorating on top of all the house keeping and are generally happy to look after their DH, in dare I say it, what's considered on MN beinging a 1950's housewife.

It's what suits each couple if the SAHM is capable and does do all the housework and is pretty handy with the DIY/maintenance too you'd be surprised at how much you can save monetary wise.

If any SAHP does a job that a trades person would charge for to me it's work and a contribution to the household.

OP just because you're a male doesn't mean you're not allowed a voice, don't bury resentment, it will eventually start growing.

If you think the marriage/work life is or will become all one sided a conversation and bit of a compromise is needed.

What industry could the SAHP look at if they did decide to return to paid employment? Is it possible further education or re-training would need to be involved? Could there be a bit of insecurity about that?

we are self employed, 2 businesses, and I’m office for both and daily hands on with the small rural enterprise we have at home.

when our DC finished schooling, a couple of people asked my DH if I would be re-entering the workforce. There was no consideration of the work I do for our businesses and how that would be achieved.

my previous employment was hospitality (office and management) and logistics, neither of which I would be considered as having up to date skills in. perhaps this is a concern with your OH too?

what about volunteering ? If there is a concern OH is going to become housebound, it might be a solution…

People working full time do all this too.

I take it you are single @TheHerboriste

If not, I hope your DH doesn't drink any of your Tesco beverages. Make a list quick, just in case.

What is the point of your question @turningpoints and how is it relevant?

This will probably be me in 30 years.

I’m a stay at home mum to a toddler, and we hope to have a few more children.

I have no desire to return to work, and will likely finish raising my children and “retire”, although I wouldn’t described myself as retiring necessarily. I had my first successful pregnancy in 2023 at 27 years old, it would be odd to describe myself as retiring at 27 even though my intention was to permanently leave the workforce.

The crucial difference between my situation and the one you describe is that I am independently wealthy - funds through inheritance and investment and that my husband would be free to retire from his actual paid employment / profession too. At the moment he wants to work part time, and I’m sure when our children are older he’s likely to want to reduce hours further or retire completely.

It wouldn’t sit right with me if I stopped working once our children were grown and he needed to continue working just to support us financially.

Yes I know, because I used to work FT too. For me personally, I definitely do some aspects of it far more thoroughly, which suits my personality. I also massively prefer getting all of this done during the weekdays instead of in the evenings/at the weekend, as I prefer to spend as much time as possible with my husband. My husband and I used to waste a day of our weekend pre-children food shopping/cleaning together, and we both massively prefer freeing up this time to spend with each other/our children/our friends or family. It really works for us 😊

I'm sure you're a great SAHP, but just to point out I do all of those things you list too as a working parent. I work 30 hours a week. (I don't do a huge amount of cleaning though).

I wouldn't mind not working, or working less - but I bring in quite a bit of money.

And I never said you didn’t? The poster I was responded to DID absolutely imply that all SAHPs are after as much being spent on them as possible by their husbands - cars, phones, clothes, etc. When actually many are extremely frugal, and happily spend everything available on what their children need, not themselves. I adore how people pick up on my response more than the original poster’s incredibly untrue and rude assumptions.

Paid Jobs generate NI and tax for redistribution in economy and wages for the worker. Damn those inefficient time wasting tax contributors. They could be at home faffing when they’re out paying taxes

You sound like a very reasonable person

Exactly!

If only we all were at home faffing about cleaning toilets and not paying taxes! How great our society would be.

People who have enough money and don’t want to work can faff about as much as they like (not referring to OP’s partner just generally).

Well yes. Some people like to faff on someone else wage. Justify it by listing tasks and some sketchy research that working mother is bad for child welfare