Stay at home parent looking forward to retirement

[Equalitystreets]

One partner is and has always been the sole breadwinner.

Other is a stay at home parent who as the children have gotten older has gradually had more free time during the day.

They always share the household chores equally.

When the children go to University, the stay at home parent has said they will be retiring and ‘they can’t wait’.

The partner with the job has at least another 15 years of work to do (and all their retirement funding will come from this partner’s investments, or investments set up in the stay at home parent’s name that were set up and funded by the working partner).

Is the stay at home partner being reasonable to declare their job is completed when the children are 18, even if the other partner has another 15 years of work to do?

I have, I'm not questioning it either. And neither is OP really while the kids were actually children and living at home.

The thread here is about partners not agreeing on the choice after the circumstances have changed.

You say chores were divided equally - if that is the case YANBU. If however, there were things where (for example) they were the one that did all the night wakings, they were the one that cleared up after dinner (that they cooked), they were the one that stayed with the kids if they were sick (and if the parent was sick, still did it), they were the ones that packed for any holiday, school trip, did the lunches and PE kits and the school run, homework etc.

ie. if they put in the same number of hours as the working partner, to allow the working partner to never have to worry about getting of work for a school pickup, or when a child was sick, or to take the afternoon off to bring them to a dentist appointment. Or if (as often happens) they put in more hours as they were 'on call' then YABU. You don't get to work the SAHP 24/7 for years, then send them out to work (minimum wage of course) when the kids finally go. The payoff for being always on duty, is that you get to go off duty eventually.

Agree, and in my first post responding to this specific scenario I actually said that of course the OP should consider working if her other half is no longer happy with the set up, both should be happy and in agreement. Of course you have more time as children get older and become far more independent. Of course the breadwinner may like to reduce their hours/have a better work-life balance themselves, that is entirely reasonable.

Unfortunately, discussion about this specific issue descended into multiple posters generally being incredibly untruthful and quite frankly disrespectful towards SAHPs who do this with children of any age/need, and I will absolutely call that out and stand up to it.

What an awful comment and I entirely disagree. There’s a saying “give me a boy until he is seven and I will show you the man”. I was a SAHM when my DC were young. We played, baked, gardened, parked, read, drew, explored. It was a time full of love and curiosity.

One child brought us home a first from Oxford and one from Cambridge. I think those early years contributed as much as nature.

We played, baked, gardened, parked, read, drew, explored. It was a time full of love and curiosity.

Because of course working mothers, and fathers, don't do that. Sanctimonious twaddle.

You don't live in the real world. The majority of households with two working parents do not have a 4+ bedroom house, multiple foreign holidays etc. In many cases, even with two low incomes they are hardly making ends meet. You assume that having a SAHP is a doable choice for every family with children. It certainly isn't.

Your give one trite example of a family with one manual worker having very little left over but valueing time more. A manual job isn't necessarily low paid. However, a family with one earner in a minimum wage job wouldn't be in a position to fund a decent standard of living for their children on one wage. When the children were young, they would possibly be eligible for Universal Credit, but the Government expects the SAHP to look for work from when their youngest child is three. You seem to be living in a middle/upper class bubble where women can transition from active SAHPs to ladies who lunch as their children get older.

Exactly.

They absolutely can.

But they can't be surprised if they get comments when they attempt to justify it as massive lists of things that working parents also have to do.

@TheHerboriste, all your lists of costs and comparing the role of a SAHM to cleaning toilets is pathetic. You clearly know the price of everything, but the value of nothing. Your posts are the most insecure, desperate rants I've ever read on MN. Depressing reading for anyone, working or not.

And did they get those firsts from Oxford and Cambridge after getting there from the struggling local inner city comprehensive?

So you are saying being a SAHP is harder than being a parent and working as, let's say, a nurse? So SAHPS deserve to retire earlier than women who work as nurses while bringing up children? This is your position, yes, I just want to be clear.

So your husband does do a minimum wage job, yes? Because otherwise I don't see how you'd know it was doable.

I have never listed or justified anything I do in the day. Why would I?

I freely admit that now, aged 53, my days are whatever I want them to be. I wouldn't pretend otherwise. I have more time to do 'worthy' things than if I was working. Nobody purposely sets out to make their life harder than it needs to be.

If they have enough money they don’t have to justify anything to anyone. My comment was in response to someone generalising that anyone not working was basically a drain.

My overriding point though is that it is fundamental wrong that we live in a society where many can’t afford to spend time with their own children. I would fully support any mother or father who wants to do this, especially for children below school age. My husband would also happily increase his own tax contributions if that helped a single parent remain off work during those years, as their worth as a parent is so important. I feel so sad and frustrated for anyone who doesn’t have this option, it feels wrong and unfair.

“You don’t get to work the SAHP 24/7 for years, then send them out to work.”

Women are not employed by their husbands and partners. Their husbands shouldn’t be “working them 24/7” to begin with.

It’s not 24/7. Very few are on duty actually 24/7.

I also wouldn’t allow a man to “send” me anywhere.

How regressive and dated. It’s 2025. Can we get some independence please.

You might not but others do.

I personally did attend ‘a struggling inner city comprehensive school’. In fact, it was such a bad school (25% attaining 5 A*-C grade GCSEs), that when I was in Year 9 it was almost shut completely, I actually campaigned hard to keep it open (otherwise I would have had to do my GCSEs in a mobile caravan, no joke!)

Nobody in my family had been to university, I grew up in a rough area, but do you know who I do credit most for me getting my first class degree from Cambridge apart from myself? My SAHM and SAHG, who both showed nothing but emotional support when I was putting a lot of pressure on myself academically, and the time to test me on all my revision notes, proofread my essays, etc whenever I needed it. They didn’t have spare cash for all the tutors, extra-curricular stuff, but goodness me they supported me academically with time and interest 👌🏻

They beg the question ‘what’s got your goat?’ No idea why they are so triggered. Perhaps they will elaborate.

Yes of course you did, you paragon.

We have a very similar background except my 'SAHM' strongly disagreed with me going to university because 'people like us' don't go to university. I did it with little to no support and never looked back.

Completely agree with this and ours also got to Oxbridge. I'm not saying you need to be a SAHP to be meaningfully engaged in your child's education, but certainly, you have a lot more scope to impact their education as a SAHP and anyone who says the early years don't matter is just plain wrong.

And your husband apparently pays a lot of tax. And yet you've announced that having one working parent is "quite doable" for everyone, regardless of income. You're really sitting in your bubble completely blind to the living situation of half the country, aren't you.

I beg to differ. Quantity is important for young children. My mum worked a lot and she was present and played with me when she had time. I was still very jealous of my friend who had her mum home all the time. Time is the most valuable thing you can give your children.

I don’t understand what you mean by that or why you are being rude to me? Children from inner city local comps have every right to attend a top uni.

People also have many misconceptions about Cambridge, let me tell you that. I have never been made to feel as welcome somewhere by other students, lecturers and tutors, people who came from generations of money and excellent careers. It all felt very unfamiliar to me, I didn’t know anybody who’d been to university or had a career that comes from that, so I was lucky to be surrounded by truly generous people who value equality of opportunity for ALL children.