Stay at home parent looking forward to retirement

[Equalitystreets]

One partner is and has always been the sole breadwinner.

Other is a stay at home parent who as the children have gotten older has gradually had more free time during the day.

They always share the household chores equally.

When the children go to University, the stay at home parent has said they will be retiring and ‘they can’t wait’.

The partner with the job has at least another 15 years of work to do (and all their retirement funding will come from this partner’s investments, or investments set up in the stay at home parent’s name that were set up and funded by the working partner).

Is the stay at home partner being reasonable to declare their job is completed when the children are 18, even if the other partner has another 15 years of work to do?

Depends if they’re married re pension split - and unless the WOHP is a mega high earner then spousal alimony is not very common in England and Wales. Not sure about Scottish law. And if it’s pension s/he would need to wait until s/hes drawable age. How would SAHP cope in the meantime?

I said I've never worked a full-time job. I have a part time one now, worst case scenario I'd ask for my hours to be upped.

The truth is lots of well paid high fliers have an easier life with their wives or husbands at home, it does mean they have more free time. Otherwise they would be doing the housework and supermarket shop all weekend; and wouldn’t get any down time at all. It suits them because their lives and careers benefit.

And he wouldn't ask me to work full-time we have young kids

Remember, being a SAHP is an unpaid, 24x7 job which can suck the life out of you after 18-21yrs. There is not a part of you that is not utilised in that role, it fully encompasses body, soul and mind.

It does not. Talk about exaggerating and 'parenting' expanding to fill a vacuum.
SAHP would be me dropping my ft WOHM to fully focus on being a parent. That is dead easy with my older dcs because that is what I do now AND ft work. The parenting aspect does not suck the life out of me nor encompass my 'body, soul and mind'. In fact, I would have so much free time I would be positively energised

If he’s also a very high earner spousal maintenance is sometimes granted too. Usually older couples where it’s going to be difficult for the sahp to get back in the workplace before retiring.

I have heard of cases where SM is awarded for a set number of years so the ex can get back on their feet, get a job etc. but it’s not indefinite.

@Macaroni46 are you in the US? “Alimony” is more of a US term and I can imaging it’s very different there.

I agree. As we've seen on other threads, some SAHMs have been absolutely frothing at the mouth towards working mums and coming out with the usual shite towards them "selfish", "why bother having kids if you don't want to be with them" etc etc.

Yet these are the same women who are then probably married to men who barely see their kids and don't lift a finger towards them and these women are quite happy to be funded by these men and you never hear of them complaining about dad's being selfish or why they want kids if they don't want to see them.

Even in the 1980s, my dad was doing night wakes and everything else associated with bringing up children while having a successful career. My mum would have divorced him otherwise. Why in 2025, would someone want a parent who doesn't "consider the kids"

What about when they’re post 18?

Agreed.

Someone said earlier that it’s how it “used to be.”

It’s not 1965. Women spent years arguing that we don’t just belong in the kitchen, and that men just use us to create babies and then do a load of unpaid labour and convenience them.

Then we have people here like “actually, pop me back in the kitchen while you pay for it.”

Absolutely not. I would genuinely never, ever, be someone’s dutiful housewife.

@Whatsgoingonherethenagain
no I’m in the UK. Just thought that’s what it’s called. The principle is the same though: SAHP who refused to get a job gets a monthly allowance and a cushy life. Meanwhile muggins here who always worked, gets Fuck All spousal maintenance and is still working FT. (Though actually enjoy my job and take pride in being self sufficient financially. And feel I did a decent enough job bringing up my DC) alongside working pretty much FT while they were young.)

Remember, being a SAHP is an unpaid, 24x7 job which can suck the life out of you after 18-21yrs. There is not a part of you that is not utilised in that role, it fully encompasses body, soul and mind.

Dramatic or what?! This is the stuff that gives SAHMs a bad name!

I was a SAHM for a good few years. It was exhausting when I had a baby and a toddler, but it got progressively easier and positively enjoyable as time went on. And once they're at school it absolutely isn't a 24/7 job. And teens? FFS, there's no reason for anyone to be a SAHP at that stage and your dramatic description of life as such is laughable. There's little difference between the two parents at that point.

A SAHP is their own boss. They can flex their day, they can do things in the order they want to. They can put things off. They can grab coffee with a friend.
Paid work on the other hand is either directed by your boss, or you're the boss and have all the stress and responsibility. You have to do as you're told, be constantly watched and assessed, push for promotion or at worst to keep your job, because you know that your family need that income coming in.

From 21- 62, I worked for ten years, was a SAHM for seven years, worked P-T for thre years, then FT for 21 years.
I loved my job, but those seven years of being my own boss as a SAHM, working my days with those people I loved most, setting my own workload and and fitting it around social stuff, was the absolute best and the least stressful.

Paid work is a commitment, usually stressful, inflexible and a financial responsibility. Talking about being a SAHM as if it's the hardest thing in the world is absolutely ridiculous.

If I'm bored I might get a full-time job. Ive always had a child to look after so far had my first at 16 and lived on welfare now the husband pays for everything. Yes many on this website would hang me if they had the chance 😂

But the OP’s wife doesn’t even do all the chores. They say they’re shared equally.

The OP hasn’t said whether they’re married which would affect the outcome of spousal maintenance claim. I actually think it’s worth OP looking into this as he won’t enjoy the next fifteen years if this issue isn’t sorted out to both OP and partners satisfaction. Bet you can cut the air with a knife.

Let’s hope your DH doesn’t get fed up supporting you. Cos at some point you’ll run out of DC to look after. Quite honestly your attitude sucks and gives women a bad name.

It would be fine if the op were happy with this arrangement. They've said they're not. Even if they did benefit from 20 years of dp being at home to look after dc. Now they want the burden of earning shared towards retirement. Fair enough. I personally couldn't not work in that situation. How could you sit around as though you're retired when your dp is still working FTf for another 15 years? Unbelievably selfish.

Same with people who refuse to downsize. Happy for their dp to work themselves into an early grave because they couldn't manage with a kitchen that small! I knew someone like this. I really hoped her dh moved on. Such a selfish entitled woman. No actual love or care for her dh.

You’re already retired, you retired the day your youngest started school. . Congratulations.

And if i died tomorrow he would have to hire a nanny/childminder to look after our children while he works. That would cost as much if not more than I could earn.
Think deeper than the paycheck dear

The double standards on here never cease to amaze me.

I was accused by a SAHM on a different thread of running away from my responsibilities as a parent because I work. 😂

Well yes. But if you separated that nanny would be in the house he could still afford to live in. And you’d possibly be back on ‘welfare.’

And if he died tomorrow there’d be no paycheck.
You're also deliberately ignoring my point. I’m not asking about now while presumably some DC are young. I’m asking about in the future.

I've answered all of this in another comment, not long after posting the one you've just quoted.

Believe me going to uni is not a line in the sand ! Mine were pretty demanding and one came home at the end.
It’s not retirement and any how you till have all of the other things you do in the house and garden that do not involve childcare !

I would have thought he'd simply remarry and find another muggins.

You only have to read the threads on mumsnet that some of these burnt out 60 hour work week ladies also get absolutely screwed after a separation. It massively messes up your life no matter how you live it