Stay at home parent looking forward to retirement

[Equalitystreets]

One partner is and has always been the sole breadwinner.

Other is a stay at home parent who as the children have gotten older has gradually had more free time during the day.

They always share the household chores equally.

When the children go to University, the stay at home parent has said they will be retiring and ‘they can’t wait’.

The partner with the job has at least another 15 years of work to do (and all their retirement funding will come from this partner’s investments, or investments set up in the stay at home parent’s name that were set up and funded by the working partner).

Is the stay at home partner being reasonable to declare their job is completed when the children are 18, even if the other partner has another 15 years of work to do?

You may be part-timing your parenting role but I certainly don’t.

My children are split apart be quite a few years, and there is a child with additional needs I have to care for, so yes, for me it is a 24x7 job.

If mine were “pretty demanding” while at uni- so much so I couldn’t work- I haven’t done my job of raising independent adults.

Far as I’m aware my dh never expects me to work again regardless of our children’s ages. Which has been fine no resentment, his mother did the same. Mine would have if affordable.

No concerns for future stability due to passive income

You have to be 16 for most jobs in the UK and I had my first DC at 16 so do not yet know how boring it is being an adult with no young children. I probably will work more hours when the kids are grown. Clearly the lady in the op enjoys being a lady of leisure and that's her business I still think people are only mad because they're resentful and burnt out

The truth is lots of well paid high fliers have an easier life with their wives or husbands at home, it does mean they have more free time. Otherwise they would be doing the housework and supermarket shop all weekend

high fliers have cleaners. And only bored SAHMs can stretch grocery shopping out over the entire weekend. Which I totally believe, i still remember this one post where a SAHM described her busy day - online grocery shop order arrived and she put it away, so busy..

Some posts are utterly ridiculous. Parenting your own kids is suddenly worse than working the mines, backbreaking work for 21 years and then you deserve to retire. While the person funding it all can just like it or lump it, what do they know about work anyway?

Trust me, no man could screw me over financially. My ex husband tried.

It absolutely staggers me (for many reasons) that some women are happy to be financially reliant on their husband, and all that that involves.

It's hardly her business when someone else is funding it and they aren't happy to continue to do that. They may enjoy it but it can't be just about what they enjoy.

I would hate to be a 'lady of leisure' so no resentment here.

Does the SAHP not get bored during the day? What does their idea of retirement involve? The thing with jobs is they could look for something that would engage them, use their skills (and learn more) and feel personally fulfilling and they can afford for it to be for pocket money if it doesn't pay well.

The SAHP should be getting a job. The working partner should be able to slow down (if that is what they want to do). Some people seem to have very high expectations (SAHP) wouldn't work for us as I would not expect my partner to fund my lifestyle but I have always been financially independent.

Several of my high flying friends have partners who were SAHP until kids flew the nest. Each set up a business (holiday cottage) or got a job which would not pay them enough to live on (upmarket supermarket, aid in a school) but which the former SAHP loves and enables them to contribute a little to the household expenses. I think the SAHP in this case is taking the piss.

You may be part-timing your parenting role but I certainly don’t.

How insulting.

You may be part-timing your parenting role but I certainly don’t.

Really curious now, how do you actively parent a teenager or young adult 24/7? What do you do? I can't really imagine.

My MIL was a SAHM and when FIL retired so did she. Which meant she stopped naming and cooking became a lot of ready meals and pre-prepared food. I don’t think she has made a home made Yorkshire pudding since!

it’s been weird to see as DH and I talk about how nice it will be to have the time to enjoy cooking more, not less!

Particularly insulted as we’re also SENd parents who both work full time. We must be super half arsing it.

Has the husband said he isn't happy with the situation? I apologise if so I haven't read the full thread. If he's happy with it it's no one's business though

OP has said resentment has started to build and asking if the SAHP is reaonable to have such plans without discussion and agreement. We don't know if the OP is husband or wife, but they are the working parent.

Isn’t it just! All those who talk of the weight of childcare, when the kids are adults… So basically, living as a lady of leisure, funded by their partner who has had to carry the financial load all those years

Totally understand your frustration, OP.

Ideally these conversations would have happened some years ago - once the youngest child started senior school.

Time for a reality check.

Ok, I’m just coming back to thank people for their thoughts.

I didn’t say what sex my spouse and I are (yes, we are married) deliberately as I think it’s irrelevant to the question.

I also kept explanations as brief and to the point as possible.
That’s allowed room for a lot of conjecture that is simply wrong - attacking either me or my partner. I’m sorry about that.

I would just implore people on here to perhaps not take the fact that someone else has made different life choices to you to be an attack on your own life choices. If you’re both happy then great!

I’m sure my partner and I will work out some sort of balance. The reality is, I may end up doing ‘more’ but I’ll probably have a happier life doing that instead of blowing everything up fighting for some perceived ‘equality’. If anything the vitriol on this thread has pushed away the resentment that was building and made me realise I’m happier being more pragmatic than a lot of posters.

But as I said above, please don’t take that as a judgement on you, it’s just what I realise works for me!

The whole point of the thread is that the OP is not happy with the SAHP announcing that they are ‘retiring’ while they need to continue working for 15 years until they can retire.

How is it your business ?

If you want to burn yourself out by having multiple children and working every hour, that is your choice. Many mothers are tired after an arduous few decades raising dc, and definitely are happy to have an easier more carefree life, as they support fledgling teenagers. Incidentally most need teens need lots of lifts, support and care still. They don’t magically disappear at 18 never to be seen again.

I am not going to kill myself for another 20 years breaking my back thanklessly doing a second job at the weekend at home and running myself into the ground and an early grave.

I thought your post was hilarious 😆

What about the working parent having arduous decades?
The entitlement of some women on here is astonishing as are the spurious reasons given as to why they won’t entertain working.

I don’t think anyone is giving a teenager a lift anywhere when they’re at school.

I would get bored within about 3 days. There’s only so much housework available to do!