We had our first DC when I was 31. For the second one I was 33 and the third I was 36. Literally, it never occurred to either of us to put them in any form of childcare. We never even had that conversation once. DH had left a banking career to set up a business, so the next 15 years or so he did that. No way was I paying anyone to be with my kids when I can do it better myself. That was a non-negotiable for me. Everything was always shared, finance-wise anyway, and the fact is, while I was quite well paid in my 20s, there were never opportunities for banker-type bonuses. It's just a different world. Nor was I ever going to build a multi-billion business, it was just not going to happen. So there was no point me working anyway, relative to him, because the extra money would have been negligible and for us, definitely not worth the negative impact on the kids. In a different marriage or financial circumstances I might very well have returned to work, but I was not in that type of marriage or so I did not. No regrets and U feel privileged overall.
He used to travel a lot and he never had to curtail anything because I was always there, doing what I wanted to do anyway. Yes it benefitted him, but obviously that meant it benefitted us all. Being a SAHM was hard work in some ways, but freedom in others. Whatever it was, I was doing what I believed was best for the kids and I didn't care about anything else. It's fine having different focuses in a marriage as long as you respect each other. I was never in any form of housework or ' who earns what' competition with my own husband!
This was from 2004, and at that time, we lived in a part of London called Barnes which was literally SAHM-central (probably still is). Pram jam in the streets. Housework was not a drama because SAHM or not, everyone had cleaners. Everyone thought I was highly unreasonable for not having a nanny or au-pair - "You mean, you don't have any help?!" That is what people said and they were quite aghast. Nobody once, ever asked when au was going back to work. Nobody assumed anything about anyone. The years when the kids were little were full-on but amazing.
Over the years, it's was never about 'who makes the money' because, for instance, when we bought houses, I was the one who found the right properties, supervised renovations, etc, and we made more money on various properties than I could ever have earned in a day job. He wouldn't have had time to take advantage of the property market or get into any of that. Also, he invests in a lot of things but we discuss it and the idea was always to create passive income, never be tied to salary. Now I'm 52, he's 55. He only works if and when he wants to, he's on the board of a few companies, but only because it interests him. We have one still at home (6th form age), one at LSE but living at home and one about to finish at Oxford but will be living at home again to do an MSc at Imperial. So the house is basically still full and when they're all gone, we will only be in U.K. part-time. DH has never once mentioned me working. I don't think it ever entered his head because he sees the wider picture and that we both brought different things to the family. Yes, he could have done his business alone, but not with a family life - unless he'd been happy to have nannies bringing up his kids (while he was abroad at the drop of a hat or working all hours as he did in the early years), in which case, what's the point? Now he has his hobbies snd I have mine and the idea is to make life easier in our 50s, not be in a competition with each other about who does what!