Page 30 | Stay at home parent looking forward to retirement

Equalitystreets · 2025-05-03T22:19:50+00:00

One partner is and has always been the sole breadwinner. Other is a stay at home parent who as the children have gotten older has gradually had more free time during the day. They always share the household chores equally. When the children go to University, the stay at home parent has said they will be retiring and ‘they can’t wait’. The partner with the job has at least another 15 years of work to do (and all their retirement funding will come from this partner’s investments, or investments set up in the stay at home parent’s name that were set up and funded by the working partner). Is the stay at home partner being reasonable to declare their job is completed when the children are 18, even if the other partner has another 15 years of work to do?

AthWat · 04/05/2025 18:07

Feelingmuchbetter · 04/05/2025 17:20

The chances of her actually securing work are very slim, she is almost certainly mid fifties and maybe sixty or coming up
for that age. She has no experience whatsoever, no skills that you have listed that she could utilise and won’t even have a CV (what would she put on it if she did) her IT skills will be near non existent.

Maybe a better and more realistic plan would be to downsize, cut back and retire that way together? You might like to keep some work going for an income or perhaps move to a place where an air bnb is possible for her to run? Or think about taking international students or lodgers or a b&b is going to at least be feasible. Or consider moving overseas, somewhere much cheaper.

Your wife relaunching her career is probably not going to happen at this stage realistically, and to be fair you haven’t given her anywhere near enough notice to prepare, but an alternative idea is definitely possible.

You will be working to your last breath if you split up, as you will have to split all of the assets two ways - so that doesn’t make sense at all, but some blue skies thinking might just work for you both.

Plenty of people work their whole lives without having a career. Why shouldn't the OP's partner work for a bit in the same kind of job that the bulk of people in the UK have to do? We can't be sure she's middle class and therefore it would be completely beneath her and unimaginable that she should do some unskilled work that isn't a career. She could be a working class oik good for nothing better.*

*Please note the foregoing is sarcastic

Feelingmuchbetter · 04/05/2025 18:07

I am very surprised by the sheer ferocity on here, and I can only imagine lots of parents on here are really overworked and under appreciated and are taking out their anger on op’s dp. Or any person that has the bare faced cheek not to be working every hour, and when they are not doing that scrubbing the house.

It’s a real eye opener.

GlitteryRainbow · 04/05/2025 18:10

This is what life used to be like. This is how my in-laws lived except MIL did most of the chores. FIL used to sit back whilst she did everything at home, because he was the breadwinner. Both were happy with the arrangement and all money was both of theirs. Now they are both retired he does everything as she has dementia.

Singaporeannoodle · 04/05/2025 18:11

You trying to bring out the resentment of the over stretched, worn out, 60 hour work week, never see the kids, spend entire wage on childcare types?

This time they can't even moan that it's their taxpayers money being drained seeing as it's the husband funding it. Time for them to just admit they can't stand anyone doing less than them

Bejinxed · 04/05/2025 18:13

Feelingmuchbetter · 04/05/2025 17:58

Well he will have to get over it, as they haven’t had any prior discussion or agreement, and he hasn’t said a word to her about this in all of these years, giving her no warning whatsoever that he expected her to slave away until retirement.

It’s changing and moving the goalposts unfairly, and she doesn’t have to agree to it.

It’s ridiculous that he says he was happy up until very recently, then he crunches the numbers and changes his mind. Marriage doesn’t work like that, he doesn’t call all of the shots - they decide together how they manage the next decade and a half and how they will use their joint assets effectively.

Show quote history

Unless he divorces her.

KeenDuck · 04/05/2025 18:13

AthWat · 04/05/2025 18:07

Plenty of people work their whole lives without having a career. Why shouldn't the OP's partner work for a bit in the same kind of job that the bulk of people in the UK have to do? We can't be sure she's middle class and therefore it would be completely beneath her and unimaginable that she should do some unskilled work that isn't a career. She could be a working class oik good for nothing better.*

*Please note the foregoing is sarcastic

Show quote history

So again, this person has dedicated their whole life to manual meaningless labour and then just as it comes to an end in the home you’d like her to do that again but this time for payment and on somebody else’s schedule. Amazing.

AthWat · 04/05/2025 18:14

GlitteryRainbow · 04/05/2025 18:10

This is what life used to be like. This is how my in-laws lived except MIL did most of the chores. FIL used to sit back whilst she did everything at home, because he was the breadwinner. Both were happy with the arrangement and all money was both of theirs. Now they are both retired he does everything as she has dementia.

That's a big "except" though, isn't it.
And also that's fine - it's fine for one person to do absolutely nothing while the other works full time and does everything at home, if they are both happy with that. In this case, they are not both happy. The question is does bringing up children entitle one to do nothing thereafter even if the other objects?

Singaporeannoodle · 04/05/2025 18:14

Feelingmuchbetter · 04/05/2025 18:07

I am very surprised by the sheer ferocity on here, and I can only imagine lots of parents on here are really overworked and under appreciated and are taking out their anger on op’s dp. Or any person that has the bare faced cheek not to be working every hour, and when they are not doing that scrubbing the house.

It’s a real eye opener.

Oh yes, they just can't stand anyone doing less than the 60 hour work week. Usually they justify it by saying they don't want their tax money spent on other people and yet they still moan when it's someone's husband funding it?

They'll never admit they're burnt out and hate anyone who isn't working 60 hours

Whatsgoingonherethenagain · 04/05/2025 18:15

Feelingmuchbetter · 04/05/2025 17:58

Well he will have to get over it, as they haven’t had any prior discussion or agreement, and he hasn’t said a word to her about this in all of these years, giving her no warning whatsoever that he expected her to slave away until retirement.

It’s changing and moving the goalposts unfairly, and she doesn’t have to agree to it.

It’s ridiculous that he says he was happy up until very recently, then he crunches the numbers and changes his mind. Marriage doesn’t work like that, he doesn’t call all of the shots - they decide together how they manage the next decade and a half and how they will use their joint assets effectively.

Show quote history

Goalposts in relationships move all the time.

at 30 I couldn’t have told you what my pension prediction is. At 50 I do, and I know I have a few more years to put in before I can live off it.

if dh didn’t have a pension I’d be facing working until 67. No thank you.

recently the markets have crashed. It’s possible they’ve lost a lot off pensions and savings. Cost of living has gone up, if there’s a mortgage that may now be taking all the money earmarked for extra pension contributions.

maybe the wohp is feeling burnout.

it is perfectly reasonable to say at any point look this isn’t working for me. If sahp decides they want to work can the wohp force them not to as that’s not the agreement?

the sahp is reliant on the wohp. If the wohp also decides to retire, what then?

SleeplessInWherever · 04/05/2025 18:15

Feelingmuchbetter · 04/05/2025 18:07

I am very surprised by the sheer ferocity on here, and I can only imagine lots of parents on here are really overworked and under appreciated and are taking out their anger on op’s dp. Or any person that has the bare faced cheek not to be working every hour, and when they are not doing that scrubbing the house.

It’s a real eye opener.

I think about this from the other perspective.

I am the breadwinner in our house, I earn roughly double of my partners earnings.

So as much as I can’t imagine why I’d willingly be unemployed and paid for by someone else, my main standpoint is that I wouldn’t fund him/anyone else either.

Would I go to work for 50+hrs a week while he sat around most of the day and didn’t financially contribute? Absolutely not.

Would I also pick up 50% of the housework whilst that was happening? Even more no.

I could afford to fund our house, but I wouldn’t dream of it. And I wouldn’t live in one being financially ran for me either.

Lockdownsceptic · 04/05/2025 18:17

Harassedevictee · 04/05/2025 17:32

@Feelingmuchbetter why is everyone assuming she is late 50s/60s? If the op plans to retire at 60 they are currently 45, retire 65 = 50.

The idea that someone of 45/50 couldn’t ever work again, even part time on the tills in a supermarket is ridiculous.

No it isn’t impossible that she can find a job. The point is she has probably missed her chance of getting a well paid career that will in any way match what her husband has brought in in the past. In other words they will never be equal. They both seemed to agree to this inequality until the op realised it wasn’t him that came out on top.

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/05/2025 18:17

Feelingmuchbetter · 04/05/2025 17:58

Well he will have to get over it, as they haven’t had any prior discussion or agreement, and he hasn’t said a word to her about this in all of these years, giving her no warning whatsoever that he expected her to slave away until retirement.

It’s changing and moving the goalposts unfairly, and she doesn’t have to agree to it.

It’s ridiculous that he says he was happy up until very recently, then he crunches the numbers and changes his mind. Marriage doesn’t work like that, he doesn’t call all of the shots - they decide together how they manage the next decade and a half and how they will use their joint assets effectively.

Show quote history

The issue is that the stay at homer isn't exactly in a position to be demanding things. It's a risk that happens when you solely rely on someone else financially, they can get fed up of it and decide they don't want to do it any more.

NamechangeJunebaby · 04/05/2025 18:20

Feelingmuchbetter · 04/05/2025 17:20

The chances of her actually securing work are very slim, she is almost certainly mid fifties and maybe sixty or coming up
for that age. She has no experience whatsoever, no skills that you have listed that she could utilise and won’t even have a CV (what would she put on it if she did) her IT skills will be near non existent.

Maybe a better and more realistic plan would be to downsize, cut back and retire that way together? You might like to keep some work going for an income or perhaps move to a place where an air bnb is possible for her to run? Or think about taking international students or lodgers or a b&b is going to at least be feasible. Or consider moving overseas, somewhere much cheaper.

Your wife relaunching her career is probably not going to happen at this stage realistically, and to be fair you haven’t given her anywhere near enough notice to prepare, but an alternative idea is definitely possible.

You will be working to your last breath if you split up, as you will have to split all of the assets two ways - so that doesn’t make sense at all, but some blue skies thinking might just work for you both.

Actually splitting may well be an option to consider - it depends how toxic the resentment is. I guess it also depends if over the years OP has ever encouraged their SAHP to re train or get extra qualifications. A lot depends on the number of kids involved and their age, as you say. General administrative jobs don’t usually require a lot of experience - and running a home shows good transferrable skills.

even late fifties would mean there’s still ten years to go until state pension age and a part time job on NMW will help the kids with uni top ups and a quicker retirement time for the OP. It would ease the burden.

AthWat · 04/05/2025 18:21

KeenDuck · 04/05/2025 18:13

So again, this person has dedicated their whole life to manual meaningless labour and then just as it comes to an end in the home you’d like her to do that again but this time for payment and on somebody else’s schedule. Amazing.

Show quote history

I'm happy for her to get a job as a barrister or a barista or anything in between. But not being able to get a job that pays £250K a year is no excuse for deciding you don't have to make any contribution at all.

Do you agree that once children have left home anyone who has stayed at home and raised them should do nothing?
What about a woman who, once her kids go to school, gets a part time job doing meaningless manual labour? So, you know, she is working just as hard at home and also doing a dull job. (Let's say her husband is also doing a meaningless manual labour job so they need the money, but she's doing most of the household stuff as well - a not uncommon scenario). Once their kids leave home does one or both of them get to quit and do nothing? Why? Who's going to fund that?

cramptramp · 04/05/2025 18:21

So say to her, why aren’t you going to get a job? She sounds really lazy to me.

reesespieces123 · 04/05/2025 18:24

TheHerboriste · 04/05/2025 15:15

Those aren’t “huge benefits.”

The sahp has benefited greatly from having all their & their offsprings needs covered for nearly 20 years, in exchange for doing low skill chores.

Show quote history

Yes it is. The working partner hasn't had to consider the kids and presumably not do the cooking, cleaning etc. That's massive. Even now the kids are older I could earn 50% more if they weren't around.

Peoplearebloodyidiots · 04/05/2025 18:24

Obviously the SAHP is completely taking the fucking piss out of the working partner. Don't stand for this shit!

AthWat · 04/05/2025 18:24

Lockdownsceptic · 04/05/2025 18:17

No it isn’t impossible that she can find a job. The point is she has probably missed her chance of getting a well paid career that will in any way match what her husband has brought in in the past. In other words they will never be equal. They both seemed to agree to this inequality until the op realised it wasn’t him that came out on top.

Show quote history

Eh?

The OP would like their partner to contribute something. How is that the OP having an issue with the inequality?

Harassedevictee · 04/05/2025 18:27

Lockdownsceptic · 04/05/2025 18:17

No it isn’t impossible that she can find a job. The point is she has probably missed her chance of getting a well paid career that will in any way match what her husband has brought in in the past. In other words they will never be equal. They both seemed to agree to this inequality until the op realised it wasn’t him that came out on top.

Show quote history

So it’s a career or nothing. Not everyone has the luxury to have a career, many people do a job because they need to. As far as I can see all the op was asking is, is it unreasonable that she get a job to help contribute financially.

SleeplessInWherever · 04/05/2025 18:28

reesespieces123 · 04/05/2025 18:24

Yes it is. The working partner hasn't had to consider the kids and presumably not do the cooking, cleaning etc. That's massive. Even now the kids are older I could earn 50% more if they weren't around.

Show quote history

Who is marrying people/having kids with people who don’t want to “consider the kids,” and why?

If my partner didn’t want to be actively involved in all parts of living in this house, he wouldn’t be in it. It’s 2025 for gods sake 😂

Communitywebbing · 04/05/2025 18:28

You need to negotiate roles after the children become independent. Some couples continue with the caregiving remaining looking after the house while the other continues to work. In some couples the caregiver gets paid work but is most unlikely to earn as much as their partner. There is no one size fits all. Talk to each other about what your hopes and wishes are for the next stage of life. It you're upset at the thought of working for another 15 years while your partner relaxes, say so.

SmudgeButt · 04/05/2025 18:29

Any chance the SAHP means they can finally go out and earn a living? Or even go out and volunteer for something??

Yellowpens · 04/05/2025 18:30

There are no set rules of who should do what in a relationship, only the rules and plans both parties set between themselves within the privacy of their relationship. If both parties planned their financial future that way the I don’t see what the problem is.

If one party has stayed at home to raise children and manage the household then they’ve sacrificed making any salary of their own during those years. That affects you as a person, regardless of the perceived easy life of a SAHP. (Easy SAHP life is utter bollocks btw). Do it for 18yrs first, 3-5 times over and see what you think then.

If my partner came to me after x amount of years wanting to change the plan, just as I was looking to get some time back to myself (and after having given the best years of my health and energy to raising children we BOTH made, running the house and his life admin with no pay) then I’d be telling him to go find a divorce solicitor. I’d do better getting divorced and not living with that resentment in my relationship. I just couldn’t be arsed with that crap at that point in my life.

Remember, being a SAHP is an unpaid, 24x7 job which can suck the life out of you after 18-21yrs. There is not a part of you that is not utilised in that role, it fully encompasses body, soul and mind.

Employment is NOT the same at all, mainly because you get paid for your time and can clock off. There is no career path or succession as a SAHP. You’d have to start again and believe me, it’s bloody hard to try and start again after raising kids. Why anybody would insist on putting someone else through ghat is beyond me.

But, keep flogging that SAHP, eh?!

Whatsgoingonherethenagain · 04/05/2025 18:32

GlitteryRainbow · 04/05/2025 18:10

This is what life used to be like. This is how my in-laws lived except MIL did most of the chores. FIL used to sit back whilst she did everything at home, because he was the breadwinner. Both were happy with the arrangement and all money was both of theirs. Now they are both retired he does everything as she has dementia.

Finances were different though.

my mums generation there were final salary pensions, spousal support, spousal pensions, widows allowances. Even for women who worked their salaries and careers were limited compared to men.

for my mil it kept her trapped in an abusive marriage as she couldn’t leave with no money of her own.

nowadays pensions are far, far less generous. They don’t support two people. Women are expected to be able to support themselves.

bottom line is wohp can just leave or refuse to support sahp. Even if they don’t leave, it’s not going to be a great “retirement” if you can’t afford anything. And if the wohp stops funding, what are your options- get a job, or leave and get a job. It still involves getting a job.

carly2803 · 04/05/2025 18:33

Equalitystreets · 03/05/2025 23:37

Yes I’m the working partner. We have been lucky that it’s worked so far for us and we were able to afford to do this.
But we didn’t really discuss what would happen when the children grew up and left home. In now starting to have those discussions, I’ve been a bit blindsided by the ‘well my job is done and I’m retiring’ comments. I genuinely value the role of a stay at home parent by the way. I actually wanted to see perhaps how older couples in a similar situation had handled this - not have a huge pile on about how terrible each partner might be!

she needs to get a job!

you do not retire from being a stay at home parent - and why do you do any chores?! she has no kids to look after, literally just the house to sort and errands
she is lazy

and i would be saying this if it was the other way around!!