Stay at home parent looking forward to retirement

[Equalitystreets]

One partner is and has always been the sole breadwinner.

Other is a stay at home parent who as the children have gotten older has gradually had more free time during the day.

They always share the household chores equally.

When the children go to University, the stay at home parent has said they will be retiring and ‘they can’t wait’.

The partner with the job has at least another 15 years of work to do (and all their retirement funding will come from this partner’s investments, or investments set up in the stay at home parent’s name that were set up and funded by the working partner).

Is the stay at home partner being reasonable to declare their job is completed when the children are 18, even if the other partner has another 15 years of work to do?

My firm gives such support and assistance but quoting them would be outing. It’s a law firm though.

Funny enough I’ve. Colleague that’s in same position as OP. He’s working himself into the ground and will likely have a heart attack before he hits retirement age. Whilst his kids are at uni and his wife gardens and meets friends for coffee (sounds like a good life to me - to be fair I’d love her life), but I don’t think they having a respectful loving relationship with each other. She uses him as a cash cow - he enjoyed having the status of being a ‘really supportive dad and partner’ whilst the kids were small.

OPs partner doesn’t seem to want OP to retire earlier to spend time together. Which seems weird to me in a loving relationship- and I’ve been with my husband 30 years. I’d not dream of letting him carry the financial burden for the whole household. I want us to enjoy retirement together.

Surely the occupation is “unemployed” (not SAHP) when there are NT kids in full time education, especially if they’re coming up to university age!! Your OH sounds lazy.

I think it’s technically called a home maker.

Actually if you are not claiming any type of unemployment benefit it is called being self unemployed , meaning you don’t work , aren’t looking for work and have private funding ( in this case being the working partner + investments apparently) . Lots of couples are very happy with this type of arrangement .

The chances of her actually securing work are very slim, she is almost certainly mid fifties and maybe sixty or coming up
for that age. She has no experience whatsoever, no skills that you have listed that she could utilise and won’t even have a CV (what would she put on it if she did) her IT skills will be near non existent.

Maybe a better and more realistic plan would be to downsize, cut back and retire that way together? You might like to keep some work going for an income or perhaps move to a place where an air bnb is possible for her to run? Or think about taking international students or lodgers or a b&b is going to at least be feasible. Or consider moving overseas, somewhere much cheaper.

Your wife relaunching her career is probably not going to happen at this stage realistically, and to be fair you haven’t given her anywhere near enough notice to prepare, but an alternative idea is definitely possible.

You will be working to your last breath if you split up, as you will have to split all of the assets two ways - so that doesn’t make sense at all, but some blue skies thinking might just work for you both.

It doesn't matter if lots of couples are happy with the arrangement since clearly it isn't the case for OP.

@KeenDuck scheme for over 50s https://restless.co.uk/career-advice/help-finding-a-job/over-fifties-apprenticeship-schemes-retraining-in-later-life/

@Feelingmuchbetter why is everyone assuming she is late 50s/60s? If the op plans to retire at 60 they are currently 45, retire 65 = 50.

The idea that someone of 45/50 couldn’t ever work again, even part time on the tills in a supermarket is ridiculous.

So when you click on the link and you do a Search of the apparent apprenticeships that are available to the over 50s it takes you to a link.

Which is basically indeed and the jobs just as an example provided there.
Require 20 years experience, professional examinations etc in order to qualify.
Its nonsensical

Indeed , I was talking generally , obviously this couple weren’t cut out for the lifestyle that has been enabled up to now but as I said previously I think you need to have started saying you weren’t happy with it a long time ago not now you’ve enabled it for 18+ years .

Exactly. I’d be surprised if the SAHer were even 50.

I do agree with that. I would've been asking what the plans are when the youngest was getting close to starting school and making it clear then.

As others have said that's just a list of your prejudices and inventions.

What are you talking about? Our supermarket doesn’t even have tills!

The best thing for them is the list I have provided or a downsize. I don’t know why you would imagine they are only 45 with university aged children! Every single parent I know with adult dc are in 50s. I don’t know anyone in their 40s at all that have dc at uni age, and I was quite young having my dc (28) compared to most of my peers.

Stop talking rot, and stirring the pot.

I didn’t know there were so many bitter working parents around. The outrage is just ridiculous! You would have a heart attack living here. 90% of mothers never went back to work and never will. Very happily married with good lives. Pitchforks at the ready! 😈

That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever read. Can’t be real…! 🤪

90% of mothers never went back to work and never will. Very happily married with good lives
that's not the topic of this thread. If their husbands are happy with it, it's nobody else's business. OP is not happy.

Most women manage to work in their menopausal and why should her body be exhausted?
Perhaps the WOHP is exhausted too?
Honestly, the excuses some posters come up with to get out of working is astonishing.

Well he will have to get over it, as they haven’t had any prior discussion or agreement, and he hasn’t said a word to her about this in all of these years, giving her no warning whatsoever that he expected her to slave away until retirement.

It’s changing and moving the goalposts unfairly, and she doesn’t have to agree to it.

It’s ridiculous that he says he was happy up until very recently, then he crunches the numbers and changes his mind. Marriage doesn’t work like that, he doesn’t call all of the shots - they decide together how they manage the next decade and a half and how they will use their joint assets effectively.

I’m 62 and manage to work full time. No sympathy for the poor wittle exhausted peri SAHM. Also maintain my own home, large perennial garden, volunteer, do eldercare, support my sister with cancer and have other responsibilities. In the same 24 hours per day poor worn out SAHM can barely drag herself around her own home. 🙄

Ffs. Get real. is there NO excuse too far fetched these people won’t use to dodge working?

🙄
He who pays the piper calls the tune.

Nope. Marriage doesn’t work that way she isn’t a slave.

I doubt they really plan to spend the entire 15 years doing nothing. They’ll get terribly bored for one thing. But it is a transition that needs careful loving handling by both parties. It sounds like there is a degree of resentment there that needs confronting and working through.

Reality works that way. Spousal support seldom is mandated these days.

Nothing legally would stop OP from moving out & taking his/her salary with her.

SAH won’t be able to afford a comparable home with his/her split of existing assets.

And he isn’t a cash machine.