to think many grandmothers actually do not want to do childcare?

[onlytwo]

I go to a regular toddler group and there are many older women there with their grandchildren.

Been talking to them and many of them do not want to do childcare but have been pressured into by mostly their daughters but also their sons. Their children often think they are delighted to be looking after their grandchildren but often it is a huge struggle for these women (and it mostly women). They feel like they can't take a break because their children rely on them for childcare because of the cost of nurseries and general cost of living. They no longer have the same energy levels and also often have health issues.

Also grandfathers are usually not pressured into doing childcare and are rarely expected to give up their job when grandchildren come along. Their life mostly remains unchanged,

I feel the expectation of women to keep doing childcare is unfair and is coming from their own daughters. Some of the older women are frail and struggling to keep up with young children.

When talking to the mums, they say their mums love spending time with their grandchildren and looking after them. That is not what they have said to me.

Agree with this! Logistically it would be so much easier for my little boy to go to nursery but my mum loves her one day a week with him and he adores her so I wouldn’t stop it.

I like to spend a week or two on a mountain hiking holiday in the Scottish Highlands each year. That doesn't mean I want to move there to live.

You are throwing out the standard strawman argument that not wanting to spend vast amounts of time doing childcare equates to not wanting to spend any time with grandchildren. It doesn't. Someone might be happy having the grandkids once or twice a week but wouldn't want to be looking after them 10 hours a day five or six days a week because both parents are working and can't afford/don't want to pay for childcare. If you want to take on the responsibility of being a second mother, you go for it, but everyone else is not you. Free childcare by grandparents is not an expected responsibility, it is a privilige.

You are being unreasonable as in saying grandfather's arent doing it, maybe they aren't but maybe they just say "no" , the women can also say no but it's up to the individual. Also men die before women so time is of the essence.

But seriously if you don't want to do it it's a simple no, don't be acting the martyr.

It is family but the caring is falling disproportionately on women not men. Women are pressurised and there are expectations in ways that are not there for men. Now do you understand?

The expectations are mostly not there for grandfathers in the first place.

The women can say no but they are under more pressure and if they do not agree to childcare then sometimes they do not see their GC.

Women are judged far more harshly for saying no. Men don't often have to say no because it is not expected anyway.

Perhaps you could ask some grandmothers why they let their DHs opt out of helping them? Rather than directing all your ire at young women, why not towards the men watching it happen?

Everyone’s different, but I wanted my kids’ grandparents to just be grandparents…to see my kids when they wanted to, and to babysit occasionally rather than to childmind. I left my full time job and of course that has meant financial sacrifices ever since, but we have no regrets.

Typical tiktok shit.
I am just about to become a grandparent, most of my friends are either newish grandparents or like me.
All of us are still working, mostly full time, and bar one, none of us had any form of regular help from our own parents at all, my own mum babysat once a year for us, however several of my friends are being pressured into quite a lot of grandchild care, eg one couple giving up their day off a week to drive 90 mins each way to look after their dgd.
Your comment is lazy ageist crap.

My own mother never babysat for her only GC once, not one single time. This was due to her partner who said I would be using her and was to say no. By the time he died my son was in his twenties. She missed out on a lot with him and they aren't close at all now. No malice just no common ground. However I was shipped off for a fortnight in the school holidays to her own mother but nothing more than that.

I look after my 4-year old grandchild for 2 days a week. I used to do 4 days, but they started nursery a couple of years ago. Four days was very hard, very tiring; two days is much more manageable. However, we have such a bond, I’m glad I’ve done it. They will start primary school in September and although I’m looking forward to all my time being my own again, I’ll miss the very regular contact and our little routines together.

As a retired grandmother doing childcare for a 2 year old I can honestly say I find it hard work but would never refuse as I find the cost of childcare absolutely disgusting and wouldn't want my kids having to work and coming out with barely enough take home pay after cost of childcare.I do sometimes moan about being run ragged but love my grandkids to bits so any help I can give I do.

We were retired when our daughters had their children. We were not asked to do the child care and nurseries were used. We helped out when there was illness. Now the children are at school we look forward to helping out in school holidays and have really enjoyed these weeks. We never do more than 3 out of 5 days and expenses are always offered but we rarely accept. It’s such fun and we love all 4 of them.
Friends look after grandchildren throughout the year and give after school care for those of school age. This was fine when the children, and grandparents, were younger but three children over 8 years means they will be 80 before their child care commitment ends.
Our daughters speak and show their gratitude-which we do not seek. Our friends are never thanked and often criticised. No small gift or reimbursement for expenses is ever offered, even when they provide 3 children four teas a week.
Grandparents-like children and parents-are all different.

This comes up time and time again. Women being upset that their mothers got help but they didn't get any themselves.

Did you have a father?

I understand where you are coming from regarding the parents compensating me but I feel so let down by the government who offer this option but have failed on making it happen due to their departments lack of training and staffing.

I always understood, thank you. That’s part of OPs point (which I agree with). But a large part of her post was about grandparents not wanting to care for their grandkids.

Well the women need to speak up about that too. Absolutely equal here what I am happy to do so is he and 'grandad' is often the instigator and has always be delighted to do things with them/for them on his own too.l

You could say the caring is being allowed to fall disproportionately on the women. Many women like to think only theycare capable of doing it.

So do you think childcare falls mainly on women then or men @onlytwo ? You haven't said. 😆

Seriously, I do agree that childcare seems to fall on women more than men, and women are scowled at/frowned upon more if they say no. No-one bats an eyelid when/if men refuse ... Then again, men aren't generally asked!

All that said, although DH and I have no grandchildren yet, we will be more than happy to look after them when we do, but as someone said, for a couple of days a week. We won't be having them full time. And I don't much care for the attitude from a few posters that they expect childcare on demand from their parents, because they will expect care on day when they're infirm/elderly. Seems very transactional...

I don't subscribe to this 'it takes a village' phrase either. That is just another way of saying 'let's make sure the women do all the care duties.

When an elderly aunt of mine was quite ill some years ago (when I had 2 DC under 7,) she was going to need care for several months when she came out of hospital. I visited her 2-3 times a week for the 5 weeks she was in hospital, and hardly any other family member visitied her. Only her brother and one nephew visited a few times. (Mabe 4-5 times in 5 weeks.) Her 2 sons who lived 30 and 40 miles away visited twice in 5 weeks. They were waaaaay too busy to visit any more. 🙄

Have a guess who the staff at the hospital expected to take her home and look after her for several months? Yep, me. I said 'errr, no way sorry. I work part time and have 2 children under 7, and a 2 bedroom house. There's no room, and I am only her great niece.' The staff nurse rolled her eyes, and stormed off, bellowing 'disgraceful!'

My great aunt cut me off after that and put the phone down on me when I rang her. I heard from someone some weeks later, that she was disgusted that I had refused to take her in, and she had had to get a paid nurse in and a paid carer. Funnily enough, the 2 sons and her brother and nephew never got ghosted for saying they couldn't 'take her in!' Just the busy young (working) mother with 2 small children. Yep, me - the WOMAN - was the only one expected to perform care duties!

I can only recall one friend from my childhood who was occasionally looked after by her grandmother and that was because her Mum was a widow, but still her Mum did the majority of the childcare. I saw my grandparents twice a year, once at Christmas/new year and once in the summer holidays. I only recall them a babysitting us once in my whole life when my parents went to a child-free wedding and my grandparents happened to be free and on the way.

My parents and in laws did zero child care for the entirety of my children’s childhoods!

I would hope there’s a middle ground, not expectation to do 5 x a week type thing, but 1 day & occasional babysitting for special occasions type thing.

My mother, when I was mid 30s, asked me to have children and “she’d look after them” I didn’t want them, didn’t have them, and suspect if I had she’d be a moaning grandparent

Discussions about this on Gransnet.

I do enjoy childminding and have benefitted in many ways from it. I have lost weight as I am more active and eat more healthily than I ever have.
We never had local grandparents, though my children knew they were loved. We had to visit and stay over as it was too far to see the GP just for the day or in emergencies.
I know that not everyone has stamina at 70 and my time to stop will come. In the meantime, I really enjoy looking after them.
We are all different, and that's fine.

I’m not a GM, but 2 of my friends are. They don’t mind looking after the GC during school holidays and before and after school care, but both feel like DD and DS/DIL take the piss at times, to the point they have pulled back on how much they do.