to think many grandmothers actually do not want to do childcare?

[onlytwo]

I go to a regular toddler group and there are many older women there with their grandchildren.

Been talking to them and many of them do not want to do childcare but have been pressured into by mostly their daughters but also their sons. Their children often think they are delighted to be looking after their grandchildren but often it is a huge struggle for these women (and it mostly women). They feel like they can't take a break because their children rely on them for childcare because of the cost of nurseries and general cost of living. They no longer have the same energy levels and also often have health issues.

Also grandfathers are usually not pressured into doing childcare and are rarely expected to give up their job when grandchildren come along. Their life mostly remains unchanged,

I feel the expectation of women to keep doing childcare is unfair and is coming from their own daughters. Some of the older women are frail and struggling to keep up with young children.

When talking to the mums, they say their mums love spending time with their grandchildren and looking after them. That is not what they have said to me.

@onlytwo I'm exhausted taking my grandchildren out for a day. Even having them the odd evening is draining. I'm just turning 62, I don't know how some women do it ft.

This has been something I’ve always wanted to avoid. Before we had kids I knew the cost of childcare and whether or not we could afford it or not, before we took the plunge. It would have been irresponsible not to. There is no way I would have asked either set of parents to commit to a day a week across their retirement. They are also now in their mid 70 and we’ve had a second child. They are definitely not in a fit physical state to be taking on anymore than the odd hour here or there. My personal opinion is that it’s a selfish act to use parents as free childcare and I will definitely not be agreeing to it if I ever become a grandparent

My grandad looked after 3 of us. Going to the park or walks in summer feeding ducks. We all loved it but wouldn’t dream of doing it to anyone who didn’t want to at all

Grandmothers not grandparents. Grandmothers was specified because it disproportionately falls on grandmothers and not grandfathers.

I think this is what adult children do not realise at times. It is hard work with young children even when one is young, never mind older.

I'm too far away to be of daily help, and I also have to work. I enjoy having the grandchildren for the occasional weekend and emergencies and we get on very well, they love coming to me. I do find it very tiring though.

This kind of expectation on women is absolutely everywhere. I was judged by my cousins for not visiting my uncle in hospital often enough. Both of them did not work. I was restricted how often I could visit because I work and the hospital was not local. No male cousins, brothers or relatives were criticised for not visiting because they work. But even if a woman works, she is up for criticism.

It depends on the gp, and some are just lying pieces of shiit! I'm coming from all sides here. From a mum who's ex mil took her to court for access. The a mum whose own mother used that as an excuse to avoid having her grandchild "I SO desperately want more time with my grandchild but I feel like I can't because THEY are taking her away so often I can't add to it!" ( she didn't want to anyway was just fishing for sympathy and I will add that now i have more children in a stable relationship with none of those ex/court issues she's 100% not interested!! AND neither are the ex gp's who took me to court demanding it in, despite having been legally and official offered to take over the court order their son abandoned, they also refused when it was offered on a plate.

Some people.... demand stuff they don't even want to feel powerful and in control!!!!! Then bitch and moan about how hard done by they are to anyone that will listen ... for sympathy!

my mother... got caught out by her own phone ... I guess Siri heard "call xxxxxxx" and it did... TO MY DAUGHTER, who was 13 at the time and she had to listen to her gma slagging her off and calling her a burden to someone, despite my child never asking for anything gma made out like grandchild was materialistic and taking advantage.... BS!

I'd love to be able to look after my grandhildren when they arrive. It takes a village... I do however understand that people may choose not to!

It's always the same

those offered just don't want it

those that don't want have kids desperate for help and getting nothing

and those that do want it have kids who would rather look after their kids by themselves but because the gps can't take no for a fcking answer they drag them to court over it

It can work out quite expensive to have the grandchildren, they do need entertaining!
My children were rarely looked after by their grandparents . They didn't live very near and had busy social lives, I wasn't at all resentful.
Likewise I was never looked after by my grandparents although we spent a lot of time with them as a family.

I’m appalled on your behalf! But not surprised.

Having read a lot of the comments. It seems that the issue here is that some individuals view there is less societal pressure on men to undertake general familial caring of people in their families be it the young or the elderly / infirm. That this then disproportionately affects women.

I have said previously this isn’t my experience with my dad (default parent). It isn’t my experience with my husband either. He works an 4 day week and has our son solo one day per week the same as I do. When our son was born I had never changed a nappy but my husband showed me how to in the hospital. My husband cares for his mum (he has siblings but there is always one child that does the actual caring). I don’t know the solution to societal pressure or the perception of societal pressure. However, I can’t grasp why people accept less than equal from men of any generation.

This is my understanding of the situation, as well, while many grandparents like spending time with their grandchildren, being forced into it in this way is very unfair.

This is so true. Well done for acually writing this down in words. You are correct ♥️

@User839516 this made me feel sad to read

Where are all the Grandfather's? Disappeared??

I dont know, when I was pregnant with DS my MIL practically forced herself on us to use her as childcare, she declared to all that she had handed in her notice to take early retirement to look after my DS. She did not discuss this with us so we felt like we had to use her. I even tried setting up a day for my DF to have him to take the burden from her, but she wreaked havoc on this idea and complained that she had retired for nothing if someone else was going to watch him! Fast forward another grandchild from me and two other grandchildren from her daughter she is complaining non stop that we are “using her” (even though both my children are now in school and we hardly ever see her) she cries at the smallest inconvenience. My Father on the other hand had been a wonderful hands on grandfather in the absence of my mother, he always says yes to having them and has never once complained x

I’m not a grandparent yet. I want to be a proper grandparent not childcare. I want to be there at weekends or in school holidays to care for them doing fun stuff but not their primary carer. Have them when their parents want to escape for a weekend but not mon-fri while they work. Basically the same as my grandparents were to me and my parents were to mine.

Completely right RosesandHellibores.

I just book annual leave or get a childminder, it’s never been an issue. Some people enjoy caring for their grandchildren. It’s carried my mum through since my dad died, she’s just a very family-oriented person. I always ask her if it’s too much then we can book more nursery days but she just enjoys reliving life with a small child.

I appreciate you said 'usually' the grandmothers doing the feeding etc, however, in our family it is my DH who does the childcare for our dgcs. He is retired whilst I still have several years before I reach retirement age. DH has looked after dgcs since DIL returned work when dc1 was six months old. He now has dgc1, aged 8 as well as dgc2, aged 17 months. He has then anything up to 5 days a week, including weekends (DS and DIL do not have fixed shift patterns - emergency services) and during that time, he does everything for them. On days DH has dgcs, i try to get round for a while after work and if he has them at the weekend, I go with him. But he is definitely the one doing the feeding, the nappies etc. It is exhausting. We had no help from GPS when our children were young, and when we were children, our mother's were sahp, so no help from GPS. Both our fathers were, unusually for that time, very involved with our upbringing. When my mother would walk out on him, she would leave us as well so he would be the one trying to balance work and two young children for however long it took my mother to decide to come back. This was at a time (1960s) when companies were generally not geared up to support single fathers and annual leave was not as generous as it is today. My DH was a fully involved dad and my ds is also equally as involved as Dil. When he is on a rest day, he takes care of the children as well as his fair share of the household chores. As far as looking after our dgcs, it is tiring, unbelievably tiring. We are 30 odd years older than when we became parents. Our bodies are not as accommodating as they were then. I know DH finds it tiring, but he would never want to let our ds or Dil down. They have noone else who could help and because of their shifts, paid childcare is not realistic for them. The big plus is that we have such a special relationship with our dgcs and I hope that continues as long as possible.
Having said all that, I can fully understand why some GPS don't want, or feel able to help. DH and my mother became parents in late teens, early twenties, as was normal back then. We were late twenties and early thirties. Our ds and Dil, slightly older. Those extra years make a big difference to how tiring it is.

I loved caring for my grandchildren when they were tiny - and still do now they're older.
However, I found it utterly exhausting.
With travel it was a 13 hour day, I was still also working 3 nights per week at the time.
I badly wanted to help as I could see how hard my children were working to try to get a foothold on life/the property ladder etc but I don't look back fondly on that time.
I was not put under any pressure at all but on offering to help, I under estimated how hard pre school children would be once I was older
I was just totally exhausted permanently and too tired to enjoy anything even when alone.
On the up side, I do think I am closer to the grandchildren that I cared for regularly as toddlers, than the ones who only stayed periodically

My parents told me that when I was a baby my grandma promised to commit babysit (for pay) me whilst they were at work during the week. When my dad came to pick me up on the first day I wasn’t there… She went on to say she couldn’t look after me and and she gave me to a local childminder he’d never met before 😵‍💫

I had a surprise baby when my previous youngest child was 21 so there was then very little difference in age to my grandchildren. I was set up for young children so it wasn’t much of a step to have my grandchildren as well. DD worked in their business at weekends so I helped with childcare . I worked myself during the week . We helped each other with childcare in school holidays. We were both also able to have child free breaks away sometimes. I still have a very close relationship with my grandchildren as adults. I chose to do childcare though. I was never coerced .