to think many grandmothers actually do not want to do childcare?

[onlytwo]

I go to a regular toddler group and there are many older women there with their grandchildren.

Been talking to them and many of them do not want to do childcare but have been pressured into by mostly their daughters but also their sons. Their children often think they are delighted to be looking after their grandchildren but often it is a huge struggle for these women (and it mostly women). They feel like they can't take a break because their children rely on them for childcare because of the cost of nurseries and general cost of living. They no longer have the same energy levels and also often have health issues.

Also grandfathers are usually not pressured into doing childcare and are rarely expected to give up their job when grandchildren come along. Their life mostly remains unchanged,

I feel the expectation of women to keep doing childcare is unfair and is coming from their own daughters. Some of the older women are frail and struggling to keep up with young children.

When talking to the mums, they say their mums love spending time with their grandchildren and looking after them. That is not what they have said to me.

Yes we grandparents are able to claim a N3 national insurance contribution towards our state pension for every full year of childcare.
However after five years of full time childcare for my grandchildren the DWP and HMRC couldn't be bothered to process my claim so I am now five years short on my pension.

No it doesn’t. Being a mother means raising your child to be an independent adult. It certainly doesn’t mean starting again with another generation of children. I can’t believe the entitlement.

I just don’t think this is true. Few friends in my generation (now 70’s) had much help from grandparents, others than the occasional couple of days when one older GC stayed with a grandparent. I do far more for my GC than my DM or MIL did for my DC, but was not willing to take them all day every day before they went to school nor in the holidays. The GC are their children and they all appreciate that they are their responsibility. Of course I’m willing to help if necessary for some reason and usually pick them up and then babysit one day a week.

Well I would hope your children will pay the short fall for you

I can't speak for everyone, but my in-laws love having our kids. They offered to help with childcare, and if they go on holiday, we book annual leave. I'm currently on mat leave so they no longer have my daughter, but they always tell me how much they miss her! They now look after my 1 year old niece one day a week too

Why do they miss her surely they still see her regularly

Even if they register as a childminder they cannot claim funding for children of relatives including grandchildren and step grandchildren

I agree OP. I feel for Grandparents who are literally in loco parentis (I'm talking about those who carry out a significant level of childcare) Maybe for some it's essential to enable the family to survive financially but I feel that the grandparents are missing out on being actual grandparents! Add age into the equation and it must be knackering for some grandparents...

I’m in my 40s so my parents were the boomer generation. And I’m speaking from experience, my parents sent my brother and I away to our grans every Friday night until I was 17. Then when I had kids if I asked my mum and dad to babysit even for a few hours I was told “we raised our kids so we’re not raising yours”. My gran watched us every Friday, came down every lunchtime to make sure by brother got a warm lunch and to do my mums housework and watched us during the holidays so my mum could work part time. Now my kids are grown we constantly get grief from gran because the kids want nothing to do with them due to their attitudes whilst they were growing up. I didn’t use grandfathers because they all lived in different countries to us so couldn’t be called upon for childcare but when they were in the uk they used to take the kids on holidays.

You are far too generous

It isn’t entitlement. I will do exactly this for my children if/when they go on to have children. It is my responsibility as their mother. And not only that, I want to do this. I can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want to spend precious time with their own grandchildren.

I think this is something that won’t be an option so much in the future. Retirement ages are going up - I’m late 40’s, in theory I could become a grandmother now but likely it won’t be for another 10 years. Even so, I will still have to work well into my 60’s - probably 65 plus thanks to changes to pensions etc. I like to think I would help my kids out like my mum helped me but I probably will be working and I suppose even if I’m not I do want to travel a bit once I retire if I’m in good health so I suppose that does limit what I can offer. Who knows where we’ll be though by then. It was such a big help to me when mine were younger, my mum did 2 days a week - saving us near enough 400 a month in childcare costs - it was a lifesaver at the time.

It is entitlement. It’s not your responsibility, it’s your choice.

When my daughter(21) told us she was expecting. We were frank about childcare.
Both Husband (56) and I (45) work 4 days a fortnight (long 24hr shifts) and enjoy having lots of time off together. We will have DGC on occasion when it suits us on our terms, and for emergencies ie drs appointments/hospital etc but no F/T childcare. That is on her and her partner to sort. My parents didn't do my childcare as they worked or we were posted away.
My daughter's DP's mum has said the same as she works 3/4 day weeks but 12 hr days

I was pressured into looking after my granddaughter by my son when I retired I really needed to sort my house out and sort my business (property rental) affairs but struggled with everything. My son told me it was my responsibility to care for his children. We had words. But I still felt pressured so did it anyway. Consequently it took me ages to get stuff done. Maybe if I had time when I retired to draw breath I might have been more willing

Anyone that minds another persons child (grandchild/niece/nephew) should only do so should they offer/wish.
My first grandchildren live hours away, I’d have loved to have looked after them but it’s just not possible. I’ve looked after friends children, nieces & nephews and loved it!

with my first I had both sets of grandparents helping with our childcare, number 2 unfortunately not either, only a few hours if required.

life is very different to how it used to be, even my FIL thinks we can all jump (children and in laws) at the drop of a hat and yet all apart from me works FT….believe me when I say this, that’s harder than any childcare I’ve ever done

I think as long as it works both ways. My parents said the same thing. But now I’m getting pressure to look after them in their old age. Even suggesting moving in together.

No. My choice was to have children. Beyond that, it’s responsibility.

I would rather look after my grandchildren than be in work, unfortunately I still have to work for another few years, part time, so I can help with childcare. It's fun to enter children's world, only thing is, if you join in games and have to return to standing position from a laminate or even carpeted floor, that's harder when you're older. Love all the running around though !

That is so sad. How could it be your responsibility to care for his children?

My mum looks after my little boy one day a week - I think she loves it, I hope that’s the case! She started planning to retire as soon as she found out I was pregnant so she could be off while I was on maternity leave. She’s also said she would like to do two days but we have decided to keep him in nursery for now. I regularly asking her how she’s finding it and have said I can ask for an extra day at nursery if she’s finding it tough. So I hope she doesn’t feel obligated or that I’ve forced her into it.

This is that kind of resentfulness because your gran watched you so much and now you are annoyed your parents don't want to babysit for a few hours.

Some women feel they deserve help with childcare because their mothers got help.

I don’t know. My mum does 1 day per week because she wants to regularly see my daughter and not have to expect to see us every weekend. For me I’d actually find it logistically easier to send her to nursery because then illness and holidays wouldn’t need to be accounted for, and I wouldn’t need to worry about an extra day of meals for multiple people, even if it would cost me more money. But my mum wants to see her and my daughter loves her time with her so it’s lovely for them both and probably in my daughter’s best interest!

Maybe this isn’t the norm, but out of my group of friends (six of us with kid) three regularly have their dads providing childcare. I wouldn’t rely on my dad (poor health) but I’ve had my father in law help out on more than one occasion (he works shift work and he happy to help on his off days) - I also regularly see grandads at playgroups and in the park.

To an extent I do expect my parents to help with childcare. Thankfully they are willing as long as it fits around their plans. I figure in years to come they will eventually need care and it will be me providing/assisting with that. I already spend time sorting out my Dad and Stepmum’s bills, banking, forms and other ‘modern’ queries. I do it gladly and they help me with the kids. It takes a village. Honestly, I don’t understand this “I’ve had my kids, I’m not helping unless it’s an emergency” mentality. It’s family.