to think many grandmothers actually do not want to do childcare?

[onlytwo]

I go to a regular toddler group and there are many older women there with their grandchildren.

Been talking to them and many of them do not want to do childcare but have been pressured into by mostly their daughters but also their sons. Their children often think they are delighted to be looking after their grandchildren but often it is a huge struggle for these women (and it mostly women). They feel like they can't take a break because their children rely on them for childcare because of the cost of nurseries and general cost of living. They no longer have the same energy levels and also often have health issues.

Also grandfathers are usually not pressured into doing childcare and are rarely expected to give up their job when grandchildren come along. Their life mostly remains unchanged,

I feel the expectation of women to keep doing childcare is unfair and is coming from their own daughters. Some of the older women are frail and struggling to keep up with young children.

When talking to the mums, they say their mums love spending time with their grandchildren and looking after them. That is not what they have said to me.

That is fine but there a lot of grandmothers who don't want to do that much care or are being pressured into it unlike grandfathers where there are rarely any expectations.

DD tried but her Dad is a selfish arse, so....

Luckily my DP sees her as his own and the Grandchildren definitely see him as a grandparent.

They were all quick enough to dump our generation onto our grandparents so the least they can do is help with ours but they won’t they would rather whine about looking after them for even a few hours and then wonder why their grandkids don’t want anything to do with them when the get older.

We looked after our grandchildren happily sometimes full time working hours. We used to jokingly give our son a holiday request form every January as if we were working. It all worked well and it kept us in a great happy tight unit. Wouldn’t have missed those times.

I’ve got 3 kids and been parenting over 30 years. I’m now a single mum (still have a teen at home and grown up left home kids).One of my grown up ones is talking about having a baby and I’ve told her NOT to factor me in as childcare.
I’m in a final salary pension scheme and will have to work full time to the bitter end to have any chance of a decent retirement, so there’s no way I’ll be “dropping “ a couple of days.
I’m looking forward to the next stage of my life and doing something that isn’t looking after kids.
Other people in the family have acted like I’m a monster.
I’ll be more than happy to do days out/holidays but no way am I doing regular care.

My widowed SIL cares for 3 GC , all SEN. She does it because her DC have to work full time (daughter shuffles 3 jobs) to make ends meet.
SIL is in her mid 70s and is utterly exhausted. She'd always planned to pursue her own interests post-retirement but feels she can't let her DC or GC down.

Most likely grandmothers were dumped on. Now grandmothers need to pay unlike grandfathers who are mostly free of such expectations.

Women attacking women.

Other people who have acted like you are a monster would not feel that way towards a man.

My Parents and DH Parents never offered to help with childcare, so we never asked them too!

I paid huge amounts of money for full time daycare instead!

If my Daughters however have children I will of course offer to help them at least one day a week and reduce my work to a four day week to pitch in to help because quite frankly I feel disappointed that my Daughters Grandparents haven’t got a huge bond with them, despite living not too far away! and because managing a mortgage and full time childcare fees as a young family is very difficult, and I would want my daughters to have the help that was never offered to us!

Who's "they"? It's certainly not the present generation of grandparents. As has already been mentioned, government statistics have shown that nearly two and a half times as many grandparents do childcare now, as did a generation ago.

When you become a mother you are responsible for caring for and loving your child forever. That includes supporting them with any children they go on to have.

Are fathers not responsible for caring and loving their children forever? Including any children they go on to have?

The stats show it is mostly grandmothers doing the caring not the grandfathers,

Absolutely nothing to do with anyone else. If these people can't speak up then they will have to continue being put on won't they.? But some of us love it and whilst I did the playgroup thing the greater joy has been when they've become teenagers and they choose to do things with you, come amd see you, initiate texting etc. But the thing I dislike is it being called 'childcare' It's not and never has been. It's relationship time always has been.

My Mum made it clear she didn’t mind doing one day a week (not a full day), but no more as she’s done her time and felt she didn’t have the wherewithal. I had no problem with this and grateful for what she did do.

I did see some grandparents looking after young children looking utterly bewildered and frankly knackered at the kids running ragged and playing up. I felt for them as they looked like it really wasn’t where they needed to be and some even looked poorly. Not all grandparents, but I would say the majority.

it’s difficult as often it’s the only choice there is as childcare is so expensive, the free childcare coming in helps but there are so many caveats, not ideal but better.

My parents and my in laws did no childcare ( which is fine, I wouldn’t have expected that as it’s a huge commitment ) but they also never really babysat on occasion or had my children for just a few days in the long summer holidays .
I could have done with a break maybe just once or twice a year 😢
Anyhow I’m now knackered, older and still looking after a disabled adult and have a lot of other things going on .
I would really like to have my grandchild maybe one day a week , a bit of occasional babysitting and I’d be available for emergencies.
I would not like to provide childcare every work day

My parents have my dd one day a week, at their choice, which helps me massively! They are free to tell me at at any point they can’t cope/ don’t want to, they also pick ds up from school one day a week- he walks (2.9 miles) the other days, they have both vocalised they will be gutted when dd goes to school in September! It was my parents choice to look after my children for one day a week though, they weren’t forced to, I would never expect my pil’s to because they’ve never offered!

I loved having my first grandchild when my daughter went back to work, I worked nights and had him during the day, when his brother came along I had him too!
i don’t have them as much now and I do miss them, I occasionally pick them up from school or take them when needed to

Of course they are. But this post was specifically about grandmothers. All parents are responsible for supporting their children. Obviously.

I mentioned the expectations differing between grandmothers and grandfathers in my OP.

Of course you're right, but in most cases these women's daughters and sons don't have power over them so their own fault for agreeing.

We have large generation gaps in my family so we were never looked after by grandparents and my parents don't look after their grandchildren. In fact, although they're still living independently, we're starting to do more for them as they age and need more support.

Mine and my siblings' partners are either dead or live on another continent so no grandparent support on the other side either.

We're probably not far off the age of some grandparents who are doing all this childcare. If I can manage it, 20 and 30 somethings should be able to without putting on grandparents so much. The expense of childcare has been horrendous, I get that, but as more free childcare hours are now available from younger it should be possible to work out childcare without resorting to the grandparents 5 days a week. That's too much to just expect. Grandparents need to be upfront with how much they want to and can reasonably manage to do, if they agree at all.

I doubt it'll be an issue for me as a grandparent as I'll be ancient by the time my DS might be thinking about it (I hope!)

It is beyond just people speaking up. There is much more pressure and expectations on women not men. Some women will not get to see their GC unless they do childcare.

It is the majority of women who provide childcare for GC not men. Even on this thread so many women are upset and annoyed because their mothers said no to childcare even though they had help from their mother.

Grandfathers do not even have to state their position because it is rarely expected of them.

When you become a mother you are responsible for raising capable and independent adults. Not adults that can't cope without you.

Some enjoy it, some don't. When I fell pregnant with DD1 my own parents were absolutely horrified when we started discussing nurseries for when I returned to work two days a week. They said no grandchild of their was being put into nursery, they would have them whenever we needed, and that was that. If I had chosen paid childcare over my own mother she would have been seriously offended. Now both DD's are at school but my parents still talk about how much fun those times were, and they all have a close relationship now.

My eldest is only 9 but I'm secretly already looking forward to grandchildren..!

Why do you think it’s just the mothers putting pressure on their mothers? Yet another thing for mothers to be blamed for! I’m sure the dads are just as happy for cheap childcare.

But overall I agree. I’m friendly with my next door neighbours who have four grandchildren aged between newborn and 8/9 and they are CONSTANTLY looking after them. Not just through the day, but many overnights and ferrying the two oldest two and from their various clubs. My mum wanted to provide childcare when I went back to work but I always made it clear there was no pressure and both of us were happy with the half day a week we agreed on. She was still working anyway but even if she hadn’t been I still would never have pushed any more on her. Grandparents are entitled to enjoy their retirement. Sadly my mum was forced to retire on ill health grounds and i relied on her even less after that. Now it’s just my dad (my in laws also passed when DD was very small) and he helps us out from time to time, but there’s no regular arrangement. The kids (he has four grandchildren) do tire him out. He says he loves their company (they are older- 9-12, so not as full on as a baby or young child) but I am always mindful he might just be saying that!
Parents shouldn’t keep having children if they are just going to put more pressure on ageing parents.

Clearly I can only speak for myself, but as a grandma, I very much want to have my grandson when my daughter returns to work. I work full time however, so will be condensing my hours to work a four day week!