to think many grandmothers actually do not want to do childcare?

[onlytwo]

I go to a regular toddler group and there are many older women there with their grandchildren.

Been talking to them and many of them do not want to do childcare but have been pressured into by mostly their daughters but also their sons. Their children often think they are delighted to be looking after their grandchildren but often it is a huge struggle for these women (and it mostly women). They feel like they can't take a break because their children rely on them for childcare because of the cost of nurseries and general cost of living. They no longer have the same energy levels and also often have health issues.

Also grandfathers are usually not pressured into doing childcare and are rarely expected to give up their job when grandchildren come along. Their life mostly remains unchanged,

I feel the expectation of women to keep doing childcare is unfair and is coming from their own daughters. Some of the older women are frail and struggling to keep up with young children.

When talking to the mums, they say their mums love spending time with their grandchildren and looking after them. That is not what they have said to me.

But many grandparents will be caring for their own very elderly parents as well. They can’t look after grandchildren and their own parents and work all at the same time!

Being a doormat is not lovely. Being guilt tripped into things to me does not make you lovely anymore than setting healthy boundaries would make you horrible. Choice is so important. Feeling disempowered and trapped in a situation is not a mark of your goodness. Women get to be lovely and good while taking care of themselves and their own needs. Someone who does not feel they have a choice… calling them lovely for it doesn’t sit right with me.

So agree. And here we see how women are socialiased into not having any boundaries at all so they get the " lovely" prize.

That’s really my point - ideally the family helps each other out as needed… unfortunately, and this is on both sides there is often either parents expecting amounts of childcare that can’t be accommodated, or GPs who don’t do any/very little when they are able yet expect help from their children down the line.

I don't think the poster meant she will never see her grandkids i think she meant she will not be childcare. Like I said in my post I have very close relationships with my nieces and nephews because I spend time with them but I spend time with them when I wanted to and when I'm free I point blank refused to be tied down to specific days and times and their now teenagers/young adults and we have a great relationship. Other people's children shouldn't be a chore which it would feel like if your look after them multiple days a week and having to discipline them, cook for them, bathe them etc. I use to love going to collect them to go to the beach or soft play or to the cinema I also would love going round to visit and spend time with the whole family. I feel we all would of lost that fun and enjoyment if i was expected to care for them several days a week as is would of turned into day to day mundane care and I wouldn't of wanted to spend my days off doing fun things with them as I'd need the break

Perhaps the question should be, why aren't men offering more help. instead of just shifting the blame onto another generation of women struggling to juggle everything.
FWIW, I don't have anyone to pressure male or female, so no skin in the game either way.

My mum didn’t do any childcare for me. Which is fine. I’m busy though trying to rebuild a career thst was sidelined due to childcare costs. Kids don’t know her. Now she is older/ retired and would like us to “make an effort”. I feel like that ship has sailed.

It’s not exactly transactional but if she was close to the dc I’d put effort into keeping up the relationship. Also if I’d had lots of favours I’d want to repay.

Why was she not close to the children just because she didn't do childcare didn't you ever visit or invite her on days out or was she only good enough to be around if you was getting something out of it

I don't have grandchildren and if it happens it's likely that I will be quite old so probably won't be expected. I have raised a family, as a young mum and as an older mum, i am 60 and still have a teenager at home, I am a foster mum and have been a childminder so I really feel that I am done with small children. I know I would adore any gdc that I might have and want to spend time with them, but childcare for whole days at a time would be too much.

Men should definitely help. Yes the women are struggling to juggle everything but then roping in women to juggle at the same time.

YANBU. When I told my mum I was pregnant, she made it very clear that she wasn't going to commit to any regular child care or babysitting. I'll admit that I was somewhat resentful as my mum had loads of help from both sets of my grandparents.

My sons' dad has never even met them, so I only had my mum and my stepdad.

But I guess things have changed since then. Many women got married and had children much earlier than they do now, so grandparents were younger and had more energy. This also meant that grandchildren were grown by the time they reached retirement, so they still got to enjoy that time.
At the time, they had a comfortable life with one salary, and sometimes a part time one as well, so grandmothers often had more free time.

I was in my 30s when I had my kids, my mum and stepdad both worked full time, and their health is deteriorating. So I can fully understand why they didn't want to commit to regular childcare.

You felt resentful because your mum had help but she did not want to do it for you - this is where the expectations of women come in. Women are getting annoyed that other women will not help. Like it is their responsibility.

Not sure whether things have changed that much. There are still significantly more women looking after their grandchildren then men.

It’s quite a lot to unpick but she got married to my stepfather when I was an adult but he’d been in our lives for years. I used to give him a wide berth as he’d tried to stick his tongue down my throat as a teenager. We weren’t terribly close.

When I got married I asked a beloved uncle to give me away. So he refused to come on the day and my mum was really huffy about it. From that day forward I was never invited to theirs and she never came to mines ( although was invited) never came to hospital to meet dc or anything, just saw her at other family gatherings (mainly at my uncles) apart from the odd phone call.

So not close because she prioritised him and wasn’t apart of our lives for about 12 years. Then he died and she’s lonely. Possibly a bit more complicated than the usual I’m not doing childcare but I do think with relationships you get out what you put in.

We never had help I dont need it now she 19. However my mum expects to be waited on now at 80. So sometimes it stings. You feel who helped us nobody!!! Can see where grannies resent it if not clear rules from start

Grandfathers get the help even if they don't do any childcare mostly. It is not held against them like it is for women.

And this is why I'll happily have a child if I get to be the "dad" lol. I would be a great "hands on" dad too I assure you. Still waiting for any offers though 😒

I don't agree it's as clear as that. My dad is a complete wanker who emotionally abused me as a child, and has no interest in any of his grandchildren beyond telling them to be quiet. He's getting absolutely no help from me as he ages or from either of my sisters who feel the same.

My Mum wasn't hands on when mine was small but for the last few years takes my DD away for a week in the summer. My DD loves that bonding time with her and I'm grateful as I can get on at work. Families are so difficult and every situation is different.

You are right op. I'm a single mum, have raised DS alone, I'm 62, still working full time, have already had cancer once. I'll stop work as soon as my mortgage is paid - probably end of 2026.

I did 13 years with no help. Ex did 20 nights a year if I was lucky. I did the other 345. During those years I slept, ate, worked and cared for DS. That was it. No nights out, no social life, no takeaways, no cinema, and didn't resent it. I love my DS.

But if he has a child while I am still around, I will be a loving grandma but I will only do emergency childcare. I've been on my own for too long. It will be time to enjoy a little me time.

But that's a completely different situation and why on earth would you want someone like that looking after your children or being left alone with them in the first place. Safeguarding your kids should be priority over free childcare

My mum didn't have help from parents or in-laws...because they were living abroad, so has said she'll help in an emergency eg someone going in to hospital and recalls being unable to stay in work after her first child due to childcare and having to rely on relative strangers for emergency childcare. So wouldn't want that for me/her grandchildren.

It's an individual/family thing. We can't paint a whole generation with the same brush.

im going to try again. If these men never really looked after their own babies, do you really want them looking after yours? Even if they offer? If they have indeed done their time parenting babies, good for them- my dh will make a fantastic hands on grandpa from birth on. But much like your average grandma, it will be his 10,000th nappy and burp and get the car seat fitting right, not his 1st. That counts. For my fil it is absolutely my insistence he not solo look after my small baby, not because he’s a man, but because no 70 yo who’s never cared for a baby is caring for mine solo ever - if either of the grandmas had never cared for a baby before on their own then they’d be banned from babysitting or childcare too. That seems to me the only responsible approach to take as a parent. You do have to fix this problem starting with your husbands, which I (& dh) have done. (Fil is so great with them when they are older)

Even when you’re in the trenches as a parent, the advice and guidance feels as if it changes daily.
It’s not just the men that are clueless as to how to raise a Little Ones in this modern world
It’s not been 15 years since my last baby and I would still be nervous as to what has changed, with the additional pressure of it’s not my child.

Did your mum not raise you?

Was your mum a single parent?

Yes she did but its nice to help isnt it. I know she owed me nothing. Wouldnt you help your kids out odd time though. Would imagine most families would.