to think many grandmothers actually do not want to do childcare?

[onlytwo]

I go to a regular toddler group and there are many older women there with their grandchildren.

Been talking to them and many of them do not want to do childcare but have been pressured into by mostly their daughters but also their sons. Their children often think they are delighted to be looking after their grandchildren but often it is a huge struggle for these women (and it mostly women). They feel like they can't take a break because their children rely on them for childcare because of the cost of nurseries and general cost of living. They no longer have the same energy levels and also often have health issues.

Also grandfathers are usually not pressured into doing childcare and are rarely expected to give up their job when grandchildren come along. Their life mostly remains unchanged,

I feel the expectation of women to keep doing childcare is unfair and is coming from their own daughters. Some of the older women are frail and struggling to keep up with young children.

When talking to the mums, they say their mums love spending time with their grandchildren and looking after them. That is not what they have said to me.

My FIL wouldn’t have had the faintest ideas how to look after a child , he was waited on hand, foot and finger by MIL. He didn’t even know how to peel a potato when she was really ill, I couldn’t believe my ears! He never made her even a cup of tea in the 65 years they were married 🤷🏼‍♀️

Completely different generation to nowadays @onlytwo , born in 1920’s, very set in their ways.

I am a grandparent of working age in a demanding profession. I became a grandparent in my mid 40’s. my youngest daughter expects nearly full time help with her 3 sons,2 of whom are ND and fairly taxing. The two youngest are early primary age. Until recently I was doing all the school runs, cooking their evening meals and settling them plus going over at 6.30 every morning to help get them ready for school and taking them out most weekends. I have had cancer and major stomach surgery and my health is ropy. I am constantly exhausted and my mental health has suffered. She is a single parent working for the NHS, and guilt trips me over this. I dont feel able to say no to it as the children are harder work than my own 3 were at their ages. It means though that I have no time to see friends, socialise or for much self care. I love the grandchildren of course but long for a more laid back relationship with her household.

I'm a grandmother and get called on for childcare, happy to do it because it's not regular (maybe once pw) the other dgm does her share too, and it's easier now the dgc are older. I was 61 when the first baby was born, so not young. I would agree it's not easy, and you have to be fit. Only do it if you ARE fit and if you want to.

That is so sad. What a poor specimen of a man.

Still no excuse for the burden to keep falling on the grandmothers in 2025 rather than the grandfathers.

Excuses are made for men while women are criticised for saying no to childcare.

All these grandparents doing care for their grandchildren must either be pretty old or rich as I don't know any doing this as they are all working still.

OP, do you genuinely not know why it's grandmothers rather than grandfathers?

It's because when the parents were babies and toddlers, in most cases their own mothers were the ones looking after them. Many fathers 30-40 years ago weren't doing 50:50 childcare with young children, and so they don't really know what they're doing. I would not leave a young toddler with my dad, because I don't trust him to look after them well.

Furthermore, because childcare was mostly a woman's job when the parents were young, grandmothers are the ones who want to look after DC. My own mum made it very clear she really wanted a day with my DC. My dad didn't.

Total and utter , unfathomable madness

People need to start saying no? Can you see how there is so much more pressure on women than men? Men don't even have to state a position regarding childcare for their GC.

Even on this thread, so many women have got annoyed because their DM/MIL said they would not do any childcare especially when they had help themselves. It is like men do not exist. Women are often putting the pressure on other women.

No jings mother's don't get paid anything except family allowance after nat keave and in some cases not .there is certainly no provision for grandparents

Look, I'm on your side. But are you going to respond to posts with anything other than 'but why not the grandfather'?

Some of us have put time and effort into answering your OP by making other points important points on the subject of grandparent childcare which have nothing to do with the sex of the carer. But you're completely ignoring them.

So women should bring up their own children and then look after their grandchildren because the men do not know how?

So many women are looking about elderly parents and grandchildren providing thousands of hours of unpaid care more than men and that is fine because they know how and the men do not?

Women just keep being burdened throughout their lives while men are mostly free of these expectations.

Now that's the other extreme your choice ultimately but jings that's zero relationship

I have posted other things as well - go check.

It is your choice if you want to put time and effort in your posts - it is voluntary not compulsory.

Exactly. If the OP had been about why expectations of providing childcare for grandchildren only applied to grandmothers and not grandfathers, I could understand her responses. But her post title is 'AIBU to think many grandmothers actually do not want to do childcare' and that is what people are responding to.

My mum has told me she doesn’t have the energy to look after my children at 78 but she does feel pressured to look after my brothers because she’s afraid of becoming the bad guy with his wife as her parents are happy to.

My OP does mention expectations of grandmothers compared to grandfathers.

This is my point. Grandfathers are not pressured in the same way as grandmothers,

Oh bless you, that does all sound really hard and that you are doing a lot for your family. I really hope they are all showing you lots of love and appreciation. I also really hope you can find some more time somehow to rest/have more time for yourself at some point too. You sound lovely!

@SomethingStrangeryou can get national insurance credits for looking after grandchildren

Certainly in my case, my dad walks with a walking stick or zimmer, is recovering from a major surgery and has a physical disability so isn't able to do childcare on his own. However he will do things like read stories, and build blocks with my son and still has a great bond with my son and he been physically able would have gladly been more hands on. His own father died before I was born but was a he was very hands on grandfather to my cousins who are a lot older and when we were younger, my dad still did half the night wakes even though my mum was at home and took us out at a weekend. And as we got older and my mum went back to work, he did things like cooking our tea, appointments and housework etc.

My FIL is the same and he's a lot more able and is a great grandfather too.

It is fairly simple

Adult dc: will you look after my child 2 days a week
Grandparent: no

End of discussion.

In my circles the grandfathers were often working full time but the grandmas were not. The grandmas did the child rearing and are arguably more suited to looking after toddlers. Some of the grandfathers never even changed a nappy.

In my own case, my dad is dead, so it would be rather difficult for him to help.

This is absolutey appalling and I can't believe the selfishness of your daughter. Demanding full time help of children she chose to have while you are still working. And as for guilt tripping you while you recover from cancer, unbelievable. I really have no words.

I hope you can find the strength to say no and put some boundaries in and reclaim your life back as well.

Not as such, though if you have gaps in your N I contribution years and need them to qualify for a full state pension, under certain circumstances you can get credits. Look up Specified Adult Childcare Credits on HMRC website, I had a few years gap and I've got those years filled now. If you need any further info let me know.