to think many grandmothers actually do not want to do childcare?

[onlytwo]

I go to a regular toddler group and there are many older women there with their grandchildren.

Been talking to them and many of them do not want to do childcare but have been pressured into by mostly their daughters but also their sons. Their children often think they are delighted to be looking after their grandchildren but often it is a huge struggle for these women (and it mostly women). They feel like they can't take a break because their children rely on them for childcare because of the cost of nurseries and general cost of living. They no longer have the same energy levels and also often have health issues.

Also grandfathers are usually not pressured into doing childcare and are rarely expected to give up their job when grandchildren come along. Their life mostly remains unchanged,

I feel the expectation of women to keep doing childcare is unfair and is coming from their own daughters. Some of the older women are frail and struggling to keep up with young children.

When talking to the mums, they say their mums love spending time with their grandchildren and looking after them. That is not what they have said to me.

You say they work full time,
That looking after kids is hard,

Yet, you've asked them to use up their off day doing just that.
When do they get toproperly rest if their off day is already booked up week after week.

It will never change though if the societal expectation continues to be women = responsible for childcare and that includes GM's.

My mom is getting sick of her friends cancelling plans or not committing in case they are needed for childcare. Obviously, the GP has decided to be available, but they can't seem to he capable of saying "I can't today."

What about the women who are caring for elderly parents AND looking after grandchildren. At what age do they do they eventually get a day off?

I'm extremely fortunate that my parents look after DS. My DF retired when DS was born and has been my childcare around work since, and they are the best of friends. My DM still works at the age of 74 but she adores her time with him, she comes from a culture where family is highly regarded. She's a very young 74 and will play tag with him around the house. I hope to be the same to my grandchildren if I have any. I feel very lucky that my DS has been able to grow up with that kind of relationship with them

OP you seem really really hung up on the male/female divide here so I’m curious, who are you in this? Are you a grandmother who is angry your partner doesn’t help? A mum without support?

FWIW my parents do a very equal share as they do childcare for us together (I have twins so an adult per child helps!) and they’re both retired. In fact we probably see my dad more now they’re in school as he’ll pop round to see them at the end of the day. We rarely see my in laws as they live overseas.

As many others say it’s very variable and family dependant.

I agree, but women can’t make men stop running off with younger women. 2 friends are experiencing this right now. 1 has left my incredible friend for a much younger woman in Dubai. She has 2 very young children and a whole company to run, highly talented. She would have still given the marriage another try, he won’t. She can’t make him. Her children are devastated, screaming and crying because he now lives in another country. Why on earth would they ever trust him in the future? So yes, depressingly, things may never change.

So yes, I think expectations on women are unfairly higher, but it is often because they are trusted far more deeply.

Men still do not do a lot of the care for grandchildren even if they are present. The stats show it is mostly grandmothers who are giving up work or reducing hours.

Even when men are present, they are not often asked to take on caring for grandchildren like women are. Most women turn to their mothers. So man women have complained on this thread that their mothers would not help despite them having help themselves. No mention of the men.

They don't. Women are doing thousands of hours of unpaid care which unfairly falls on them and rarely on men.

They can't. They can help to stop putting the pressure on other women though, especially those who do have involved fathers. Make sure if they are asking for childcare, it is aimed at both parents.

To be fair, I know some pp's have already said that their fathers are involved but it really is the minority.

What has men running off with younger women got to do with it being mostly grandmothers who are doing the care of grandchildren and not grandfathers?

For context I have 2 small children, no regular grandparent childcare. My mum has once or twice, I feel like now my granny has passed away and my mum is retired I could ask her instead of taking annual leave but she might be busy...

Lots of grandmas I know do enjoy being available for childcare and were excited to be a grandma. I only met one who was exhausted by it and felt she couldn't say no to her daughters.

I was quite surprised how prevelent grandparent care is when my daughter went to school.

I agree. I have a close friend who pays for zero childcare . I know her parents feel overwhelmed by looking after 3 little kids because they tell my parent. But my friend thinks her parents love it. Well that's their own fault. They should be honest
My parent doesn't do any childcare. Sometimes will sit in the house after we have put the kids to bed. Or will take my eldest out for lunch- but that's because it's actively wanted, not because I need childcare.

I think you are more logically asking both if they are still together and living in the same house. Thinking back, I certainly asked my Grandad for plenty growing up, not least because he could drive 😂 used to call him from the pay phone for all my lifts 😂

For couples who stay together, things may improve, as this generation of fathers do far more than in the past, even with things like changing nappies. So that will be interesting to see as we all age…

I can only relate this to the many people I know, but they say that when their Dads have left, usually for someone younger, they are much less of a priority, especially if they go on to have a second lot of children they then live with. So then logically, their GCs are then much further down the list than they would be for their DM/GM, who continued living with them. So they then wouldn’t trust them in the same way to ask for help if that makes sense. Their mothers have proved more trustworthy and reliable.

My sister great twins zero help. My mam felt she reared her own. Fair enough. Think grannies afraid say no now. Im pretty tired work with autistic kids and Im 52. Could not imagine full T minding at say 62. Tricky with multiple kids then if your asked

applauds

It's like most posters see their parents as living in a vacuum. Ignoring the fact that they could be also needed by two sets of their own parents. Or might have been looking forward to travelling or other activities in their hard-earned retirement.

When my daughter was pregnant she said to me (out of nowhere) that she wouldn't be asking me to do regular childcare. She knew that I'd been looking forward to using my retirement to travel and generally be able to be spontaneous. I consider myself really lucky in that respect.

I help with nursery costs and do random childcare happily, when she and her DH have a clash of shifts etc. I hugely enjoy that (despite finding it tiring) but I'm spared the commitment that friends are tied into. Also as per my previous post, I no longer have caring responsibilities for my mum and my late husband's mum.

Many posters seem to not consider the other needs and responsibilities that their parents might have.

But TBH I would expect my DD to turn to me more than my DH for practical and emotional advice on anything relating to pregnancy or breast feeding purely because I have actually experienced those things and my DH obviously hadn’t? There’s nothing inherently wrong or surprising about that surely?

Same here, I love spending time with my grandchildren and I do regular after-school and school holiday care. However, even if I didn't enjoy it, I would still do it to help my daughters.

No. But men are perfectly capable of doing childcare but it falling mostly to the grandmothers and not the grandfathers,

Well its either take care of them once a week or they wouldn't be able to see them very often hence a good relationship wouldn't develop between them with infrequent contact.
My parents are happy to take care of my kids, its only one day a week for a few hours and I have told them if they are not able to do so it's fine, I am able to reduce my hours to accommodate this.
I would never want my parents to feel forced as such to help

It is a commitment, I have DGC one day a week and check DD can organise cover if we want to go on holiday.

It is tiring, i am late 60's but I am fortunate DH runs his own business from home and he gives me a break. Actually he is favourite with DGC. DGC also has sleepovers with us quite regularly

To those who don't want to do it, I respect your decision but oh sometimes I sit and watch them eating or doing other things and I am just so overwhelmed with emotion I am so glad I haven't missed out on this.

Paid by whom? Exactly?

People need to start saying no if they don’t want to do regular childcare. If they are telling their adult children that they can’t wait to babysit and will help out regularly then of course their children will ask.

My mum does 2 school pick ups a week and I’m very grateful. She has done holiday care and did more when they were toddlers, in the past but I try not to ask her to have my children for a whole day now because i think it’s a bit much for her. So we stick to a couple of school pick ups and in the holidays she might do half a day here and there. she is always saying to me that we are her priority and that we help each other ie I help her with life admin, house and garden stuff. I don’t compare the two because clearly I’m getting the “better deal” but she doesn’t see it like that. Whilst I have no idea what she says to others about the arrangement most of the time, she did tell me once that a friend instructed her “don’t be used for regular childcare” and she (mum) said “no I want to do it”.

If I asked my mum to have the kids all day it would be from 8am-6pm to cover my working hours and commute, and that is a lot.

IMO grandparents can’t have it both ways, they can’t expect a close relationship with grandchildren but only invite them round/ visit once every 2 months. I never forgave my now ex in laws for refusing to help in a genuine emergency. There’s a happy medium of course but it’s inevitable that grandparents seeing grandchildren often will forge closer relationship with them.

Cant wait till i have grand-babies, but no-one will pressure me into doing more than i want to.

I want to love it and appreciate the time on my terms.