to think many grandmothers actually do not want to do childcare?

[onlytwo]

I go to a regular toddler group and there are many older women there with their grandchildren.

Been talking to them and many of them do not want to do childcare but have been pressured into by mostly their daughters but also their sons. Their children often think they are delighted to be looking after their grandchildren but often it is a huge struggle for these women (and it mostly women). They feel like they can't take a break because their children rely on them for childcare because of the cost of nurseries and general cost of living. They no longer have the same energy levels and also often have health issues.

Also grandfathers are usually not pressured into doing childcare and are rarely expected to give up their job when grandchildren come along. Their life mostly remains unchanged,

I feel the expectation of women to keep doing childcare is unfair and is coming from their own daughters. Some of the older women are frail and struggling to keep up with young children.

When talking to the mums, they say their mums love spending time with their grandchildren and looking after them. That is not what they have said to me.

I look after my grandchildren ( 15 months and just turned 3) every Monday. They come for sleepovers often too. I love having them but I'm absolutely shattered by the time they leave on a monday evening( we do 7.15 to 5.30). I couldn't do more than one day a week if it was every week . My mum ( 85) comes on a monday afternoon and my husband is back from his hobby by 2.30 so we 'tag-team' the afternoon.

My DM didn’t want to do regular childcare so she said no. Never a sleepover in 13 years. If others can’t feel they can say no, that’s on them.
In some ways it’s easier as we are beholden to no one.
If everyone paid for the care they need at either end of the age spectrum we would all know where we stand and be free to live our own lives.

It is mostly granndmothers who bear the brunt not grandfathers usually.

I had my children when I was 27 and 28. My DIL had my grandchildren at the same age. I was able to retire at 55. I'm now 59. I don't have the same energy I had when I was young but I do have huge amounts of patience so I pour everything into the day a week that I have them . When they leave at 5.30 my husband bring me a G and T

Possibly. A lot already do provide it regardless though, and provide a great deal of unpaid care which does have value. People shouldn’t agree to do things they don’t want to then complain, but it saddens me when people really don’t want to spend much time with their GC.

It is a complicated issue for each family to negotiate. I would absolutely love to support either of mine with childcare in the future, as would my DH, it would be such an honour and joy. However, it really saddens me that I may not be a Grandmother until I am much older, and possibly less safe to.

Grandparents do vary in terms of age and health. It certainly isn’t feasible for all to help. My Mum has to work, she is on her own and I would never expect her to provide regular childcare, it would be unfair and impossible.

I also think it’s about the overall relationship, consideration and not taking each other for granted. So when I ask my Mum to babysit, I never demand or expect that. I ask if she is free, give her plenty of notice, thank her and often buy her a little thank you gift for our DCs to give her so she feels appreciated. I also try not to be too bossy (which is really hard! 😂) and not sweat the small stuff, eg I know she is going to largely ignore my TV/food/bedtime rules 😂 she relishes the ‘fun Gran’ role 😂

I think some GPs may be reluctant to help because parenting styles have changed and they feel criticised on how they look after their GC?

I didn’t. I was still working at that point. Afterwards I was so ill that I still didn’t want to do childcare.

Yes it is on them but can't you see the difference in pressure and expectations on women? The women who choose to say no, they have to say no. Men do not need to say anything because there is often no expectation on them. They are mostly free of the pressure. Assumptions are not often made they they will give up work or retire to help with grandchildren.

OK. I never said it was the case for 100% of grandmothers.

It wouldn't be for me, l raised two children completely alone, as my husband died young. I never had any help with mine, never expected any and got on just fine.
They are young adults now, but l am older, exhausted and so looking forward to having time for myself. I don't want to be tied after years and years of commitments and responsibilities.
Also looking after babies and young children nowadays seems a lot more complicated, some of the GPs l speak to are constantly being told off and bossed around by their children and in laws.

Sadly many of us are widowed by the time the grandchildren come along, what with every generation having children later. My husband never met his grandchildren, but he'd have been in his element.

My couple friends who do childcare for their DGDs very much work as a team, but are still knackered. And yes when I passed the primary school, I saw children being picked up by grandfathers.

Yes, the statistics show grandmother's being the ones to give up work, but anecdotally, those grandfathers that I know very much play an equal part. But they're all my age, so retired already.

I think there's a difference between spending time with GC and spending all of your time with them, especially if the parents are working full time. Obviously some GP's are fine with that which is fair enough but it is a lot to ask of someone and it absolutely shouldn't be expected or pressured.

I'll make it clear if mine have children that I won't be available for regular childcare but I'll be more than happy to provide ad hoc childcare and occasional babysitting.

The Last two years have been a complete eye opener for me. I'm still in utter disbelief at the behaviour of parents and their logic and reasoning, or rather lack of it. In their eyes we have virtually kidnapped GC and told lies and made things up. We didn't need to do that when the truth was so horrific that I struggled to absorb it, especially when you're trying to accept that one of your own children is involved. They should probably never had children as there's a complete inability to put anyone, even a child, before their own needs and wants. I don't think I'll ever get over it or forgive it.

The nature of tasks often varies for grandfathers. They don't tend to the do the feeding, toilet trips etc. It is more playing. The harder part is often done by grandfathers. I see it regularly on days out. There will be grandparents with one more grandchild. The grandmother will often organise all the food, do the cleaning up and take the children to the toilet.

The grandfathers mostly will wait outside the toilet and during lunch eat their own lunch in peace.

Oh, and then we have to promote contact with a smile plastered on our faces.

We all know though that if MIL upsets DIL by 'standing up to her' then the DIL may weaponise the children and refuse to allow their grandparents to see them as a punishment and of course the child's other parent will be expected to 'support' the mother, ie go along with whatever she says despite what he might think.

In this case Yes.

"I apologise for the system!"

"Which I have to say that your generation is almost entirely responsible for."

Yes, I think being clear about expectations from the outset is crucial.

I have to say, I have been surprised at 1 Mum I know who’s in-laws do so much for her. So they are older and both drive for 5 hours across the country every week to provide childcare for her part-time days. She complains about them a lot, and doesn’t seem bothered about maintaining regular contact once hers are in school.

Somebody else had both sets of GCs providing the whole week between them, raved about her MIL, said she arrived first thing every morning to do everything so she could go to the gym before work, have a pamper…but then again, once they reached school age, upped sticks to Dubai and was genuinely surprised that both sets of GPs were very hurt by this, as they had really bonded with their GCs.

I wonder if some GPs sense they are being relied upon for short term convenience 🤔 I would understand why some feel less appreciated and reluctant to provide so much help based on things I’m told 😂

I do get the impression my parents are not interested in hands on care. My kids are 9
and 5 - in all that time they’ve had them for one hour alone in total. I doubt they have the energy, I mean I barely do!

I suspect their fathers did fuck all when they were children, so know not to expect anything.

So he because mothers did all the work for the first couple decades, they get to do all the work until they die too!

I think it's a Mumsnet phenomenon that grandparents hate spending time with their grandchildren. It's not something I find in real life at all. Both my parents and my (ex)in-laws love having their grandchildren over.

Absolutely.

My friends, as well as doing childcare because they wouldn't see their DGCs otherwise, also spend fortunes taking their son, DIL and DGCs on all expenses paid holidays for the same reason (and in a futile bid to be appreciated) but DIL still clearly thinks nothing of them, and their useless son goes along with it and with spending family time exclusively with his in-laws.

My friends are entirely reasonably non-interfering non- critical people. They just aren't DIL's family. Saying no to childcare would be catastrophic.

I met a granddad at the playground who was minding his DGC, said he and his wife take it in turns to:

Commute to pick DGC from her home,
Take her to school,
Go back to their home,
Commute to pick her up after school and take her to her home.
Wait for parents to get back after work.
Commute back to their home.

Said they wouldn't see her otherwise. Loved spending time with her but were both knackered and no payment either.

Sad how some parents take advantage.

My mum was very clear that she wasn't going to be our default childminder. At first I was a bit surprised but soon realised I was thinking like a brat. Her sister's have all fallen into the grandma childcare role so I'm proud she had the guts to just come out and say it. Sadly she died when she was 60 so didn't get to enjoy her retirement anyway.

You don’t think the fact they cared for you as a child might be a bit more relevant?