to think many grandmothers actually do not want to do childcare?

[onlytwo]

I go to a regular toddler group and there are many older women there with their grandchildren.

Been talking to them and many of them do not want to do childcare but have been pressured into by mostly their daughters but also their sons. Their children often think they are delighted to be looking after their grandchildren but often it is a huge struggle for these women (and it mostly women). They feel like they can't take a break because their children rely on them for childcare because of the cost of nurseries and general cost of living. They no longer have the same energy levels and also often have health issues.

Also grandfathers are usually not pressured into doing childcare and are rarely expected to give up their job when grandchildren come along. Their life mostly remains unchanged,

I feel the expectation of women to keep doing childcare is unfair and is coming from their own daughters. Some of the older women are frail and struggling to keep up with young children.

When talking to the mums, they say their mums love spending time with their grandchildren and looking after them. That is not what they have said to me.

Total bullshit.

There is no reason that people planning to need child care can't save up for it in advance, like responsibile people do for any large expense, rather than expect everyone else to shoulder the burden.

Totally this.

Childcare is really expensive, so I can understand why free care from grandparents appeals to some folk, but it should never be expected.

I think you are right, many women struggle with providing childcare as it is often full time. A family member of mine is in her 70s and is looking after her 2 year old Grandson. Her daughter choose to leave having children until she was in her 40s and now expects her elderly mum to run after a toddler, bloody selfish.

It is to ensure the government respects parental choice and treats parents fairly. It is patently discriminatory to provide governmental funding for nurseries/childminders/nannies, etc and not do the same for GPs, who a parent often prefers.

My parents and in-laws do one day a fortnight (alternate between them doing the same day of the week). My parents retired at 58 and 53; my FIL retired at 55 and my MIL never worked again after having my DH. This obviously isn't statistically typical, but it's very common in my (middle-class, south east) world - the only one of my parents' friends who worked past 60 were academics. I know a lot of people who get help with grandparents with childcare and in none of the cases are the grandparents doing that alongside work. I hope I'll be able to help with my grandchildren, but I know already that my retirement will look nothing like that!

I think the problem is many grandparents want to do it and agree to it when the grandkids are babies and forget how hard it is when they turn into toddlers but feel it's to late by then as they've made a commitment plus then further grandkids come along and they feel well I did it for one so I have to do it for the others

The men in this scenario have no role? It is all on the selfish daughter choosing to have children in her 40s and making her mother look after her children? The men are just watching doing nothing?

Yes me too, and I worry the same, that I most likely will end up being a much older Grandmother and/or in poorer health. I actually wish I’d had mine own younger now, so I would be able to provide more support for far longer 🥲

How many can save up thousands for future childcare? I was just making the point that childcare from Grandparents shouldn’t be assumed or expected. If GPs give up their jobs to do it, ( probably affecting their pension) then why should’t they be compensated? The Government would otherwise be paying for their “ free” childcare at nursery.

My mum works part time but has my youngest every friday and today has taken her out so that i can get some housework and gardening done. Older ones don’t require childcare now but she did same with them. Monday she will come out for the day with us all. She is retiring in summer as she wants to be able to do school runs and holiday care for youngest to avoid paid childcare. When my children have children i will likely still be working but would drop days if can afford it so that i can do same.

We are close family who consider us all a unit and one family pot so if someone struggling we will step in for each other. What you put in you get out. My mum will never be in position of lonely old lady whose grandchildren don’t see her as she put the effort in when it mattered. She would prob joke to people how exhausting they are but she loves them and enjoys being with them as that’s what she tells me.

Hmm. My parents were very very clear they didn't want to do regular childcare. I didn't push or expect, they said it whilst I was pregnant before I even considered them an option. I think it was in response to what they were seeing with their friends.

So, we have set up regular paid childcare. They often ask to do childcare at the weekend, so that can spend time with the children (without us around). But the reality is that we work hard 5 days a week, children are in nursery long hours, we only see them on Saturday and Sunday. The last thing we want to do leave them with other people in these hours.

Perhaps some people are bullying the GC in to childcare. Or maybe the reality is just that if parents are working full time and paying for childcare, their priority is to see their own children when the aren't paying for childcare. In this case, it's not bullying or trying to be spiteful.

In the boomer generation, often only the man worked. So grandparents played a different role then. And the non working parent would have been glad of the break from being a full time SAHM. If the same boomers expected a working mum to have to same attitude, that's just not thinking things through really

It is grandmothers mostly rather than grandparents.

Realistically, I will probably be in my mid forties or early fifties if I were to have grandchildren (of course, that depends on if and at what age my dc decide to have children).

Of course I don’t know what my circumstances will be at that age and will still be working. I will be helping out as much as I possibly can, including weekends.

Exactly, it’s always the women who get the blame

Really pleased to hear that 😊

My mother was desperate to look after mine and I appreciated it so much, I regularly checked it wasn't too much but she really did love it. I hope to do the same one day if my children have children of their own (I would never pressure them to have children and would only do childcae if they would be happy for me to do so!)

Wouldn't that just put Grandparents under more pressure to do it? It might be a parents preference but as this thread shows, it isn't always the GP's preference.

I knew of 2 mums at my DC school who used their mums for childcare. One used to live in (she lived a couple of hours away) Monday to Friday to do wraparound care for GC and only spend weekends with her husband, in their own house.
The other Grandmother used to look after 3 preschool and primary school kids Monday- Wed and then do childcare for other grandkids on Thursday and Friday. I knew the grandma's to pass the time of day with, but I've no idea how they felt about it.
My own mum offered 1 day a week childcare when my DD was born but then became unwell, and didn't offer again when DC 2 was born.

I'm some years away from being a GP , I don't think I'd want to do more than eg 1 , or at the most 2 days a week childcare. Apart from anything, if you've committed to that you'd probably end up having to go away in school holidays and pay peak prices!

My friend does it said with cost living now its expected.. 60s. Then son wants help. Girl off playschool at 12 so granddad gets her. I did think god they reared their own. Their week is not their own. I would help def not full time of it.

Really ties you.. you cant plan anything

Exactly. Prospective grandparents might be as keen as mustard when their first grandchild is in the womb. But the reality can turn out to be very different.
They forget that they're maybe 40 years older then they were when they had their own babies, but having said they'd do childcare, they feel they can't back out when it turns out that they simply don't have the energy or good enough health.

And if course the brave minority who admit that they can't fulfil the offer that they made, find their relationship with their offspring is shattered by it.

That's nice.

My parents tried to pressure me, it did it because I wanted to of course but the pressure was weird. Then as soon as I was pregnant, equally loudly said they weren't going to do any childcare. I never asked, I'm not sure if I would have asked or wanted them to to be honest, I never considered it because the were so vocal about not wanting to. They now vocally tell us to go away for the weekend. These have all been about them telling us their opinion, to try to influence.

I tend to do the "OK " approach to it all but I'm not really going to change my path based on it. We won't be taking them up on a weekend away, whilst my kids are in full time childcare and we don't see them enough because I have to work.

Agree
There should be no expectations on older people to care for young children.
If the offer is made without any pressure then fine but otherwise it puts grandparents, or rather grandmothers, in a very difficult situation.

You are quite right OP Sexism is rife when it comes to kids expectation on their parents !

Agree Saraclara

Then we read about how horrible the mothers and MILs are on mumsnet!