to think many grandmothers actually do not want to do childcare?

[onlytwo]

I go to a regular toddler group and there are many older women there with their grandchildren.

Been talking to them and many of them do not want to do childcare but have been pressured into by mostly their daughters but also their sons. Their children often think they are delighted to be looking after their grandchildren but often it is a huge struggle for these women (and it mostly women). They feel like they can't take a break because their children rely on them for childcare because of the cost of nurseries and general cost of living. They no longer have the same energy levels and also often have health issues.

Also grandfathers are usually not pressured into doing childcare and are rarely expected to give up their job when grandchildren come along. Their life mostly remains unchanged,

I feel the expectation of women to keep doing childcare is unfair and is coming from their own daughters. Some of the older women are frail and struggling to keep up with young children.

When talking to the mums, they say their mums love spending time with their grandchildren and looking after them. That is not what they have said to me.

Yes, this is very true. So much for the poster who commented that this generation of grandparents are the most selfish ever.

Yes. My dm has very rarely done any childcare for me despite being retired from before my two were born. Yet she never paid a single penny for childcare- my grandparents on both sides stepped up. Boomers gonna boom

No mention of what your dad does or what FIL does if either of them are around. Most of them they do not even factor into the situation. It is for women to get other women to help.

I may have missed it, but I haven't seen anyone acknowledge that very many grandparents are having to support the generation above them, as well as being expected to help with grandchildren.

Do many people still have great grandparents?

Did you consult your DM about having children before you started trying for them?

People are waiting much longer to have their firsts and still expecting it too. It's not fair to have your first baby at 40 and expect your parents to put the same effort your grandparents put into you.

the vast majority aren't having their first at 40, people so have them older now but they also have fewer.

This isn’t true of all grandparents. I had to insist mine shared the childcare with a nursery so they didn’t have them 4 days a week! Now they are both at school they do drop off and pick up 2 days a week and are always asking for extra/sleepovers. I hope I’m like this with my grandchildren.

You can fuck off with your boomer generalisation.

I will go and find the statistics on the number of 'boomers' doing regular child care, compared to their own parents' generation, that I posted last time this subject came up. You couldn't be more wrong.

MIL probably said no to childcare to stop the expectation and make clear her boundaries. This kind of expectation rarely exists for men.

MIL shouldn't have then lied said she would have loved to do childcare.

It is relevant whether there is FIL as they don't often factor into these equations like women do,

I spent a lot of time with my grand parents as my mum was a teacher. I adored them and was very close to them until they died in my 20s/30s.
my mum had DD a day a week purely because as she said she’d earned some grandparent time which was much more fun that being a parent. Crucially it was an offer from my mum, we were happy to put DD in nursery and I worked PT but they loved their days together. I’d have hated mum to feel either excluded or obligated but I think we had a good balance.

Nobody said all grandparents.

What annoys GPs is that childcare is just assumed that they will be on hand whenever parents want, disregarding arrangements for their holidays, hobbies etc. It’s also not on to assume that GPs will pay for all admission to zoos and theme parks in the holidays on top of snacks, ice creams and takeaways which add up to a lot of money. Obviously GPs would want to pay for some treats, just not taken for granted. GPs shouldn’t be expected to give up work either, or made to feel that they won’t see their GC if they don’t help, or are threatened with not getting help when they’re old.
It’s fine to ask them for help in emergencies, and to help one or two days a week if everyone agrees, while parents work, but boundaries have to be set

We love having our grandkids but we made it clear it was to be a max of 3 days a week not full time. I also made it clear that I was going to book three one week holidays over the year and it was up to them to book holidays or get other grandparents to cover and that I would give them plenty of notice and if they couldn’t cover it I would swap weeks. Basically I wouldn’t leave them in the lurch.
As far as the care goes it’s very much a two person job and grandad is very involved not just me. It gives us a proper lease of life visiting parks , farms etc. I must add that we are very early retired and not yet 60, if we were 70+ it might be different

Probably it was the grandmothers rather than the grandfathers.

Where is your DF? Did he not do any childcare?

Some people say grandads are involved but I have noticed it is usually the grandmothers doing the feeding and taking the grandchildren to the toilet. Grandads just do the fun part while the grandmothers are lumbered with the monotonous tasks.

It is usually grandmothers not grandparents. Sometimes they do not say no because then they will not get to see the GC.

What I hate is that my own mother relied on my grandmother for childcare. My grandmother had us every day in the school holidays and sometimes at weekends too. But now that I have my own kids, my mother doesn't want to know. I'm not expecting much but even looking after then for half a day once a year would be something. She seems astounded that I would even ask for that.... yes she had no much help from her own mother.

Here's some stats @User46576 I'm looking for the government statistics that I posted last time, but in the meantime here's this:

Ah, while my photo is being checked, here's the text

In the past two generations, the number of children being cared for by their grandparents has increased substantially from 33% to 82%. Almost two-thirds of all grandparents regularly look after their grandchildren.
https://www.informationnow.org.uk/article/grandparent-issues/

What about your father? Is he around?

It seems to automatically be the mother in so many cases.

I didn’t ask her or assume she would but just commenting on how she didn’t. She didn’t consult my gp yet they still helped out tirelessly. I have paid a six figure sum on nannies and childcare over the years because my mum is too selfish (physically perfectly able tho). I hope I can care for my grandkids - many of my children’s classmates have very active grandparents and it’s lovely to see.

My Dad did a lot for my DC. My mother did fuck all.

Was your father not also being helped by your grandmother looking after you?

It is like your mother now needs to be handed childcare because she got it.

No mention of any men in your post anywhere.

My dad still works, mum doesn't. No FIL in the picture.

Rather similar to someone I know who moved cities to live near her DD and SIL to help with childcare.

She had two under-fives and was more or less full-time caring for the children, to and from nursery sessions, then playgroup then finally primary school; then they had another baby so she stared all over again! She's provided around 15 years full on childcare.

My parents want to see my children more, but tbf they’re not and never have been regular childcare, it’s more that they get to have them on afternoons/evenings so we can go on date nights and they really enjoy that fun time.

But I doubt anyone is surprised that grandmothers feel obligation and not just delight. Plus I tell people I love my kids and spending time with because I do, but it’s also hard work. I presume the same is true for grandparents taking care of their grandchildren.