to think many grandmothers actually do not want to do childcare?

[onlytwo]

I go to a regular toddler group and there are many older women there with their grandchildren.

Been talking to them and many of them do not want to do childcare but have been pressured into by mostly their daughters but also their sons. Their children often think they are delighted to be looking after their grandchildren but often it is a huge struggle for these women (and it mostly women). They feel like they can't take a break because their children rely on them for childcare because of the cost of nurseries and general cost of living. They no longer have the same energy levels and also often have health issues.

Also grandfathers are usually not pressured into doing childcare and are rarely expected to give up their job when grandchildren come along. Their life mostly remains unchanged,

I feel the expectation of women to keep doing childcare is unfair and is coming from their own daughters. Some of the older women are frail and struggling to keep up with young children.

When talking to the mums, they say their mums love spending time with their grandchildren and looking after them. That is not what they have said to me.

I do think it's an important reflection. My parents have always been great, but never lived close enough to offer much regular help. Now my kids are older and I can work more flexibly I try and spend more time with them in the holidays. My parents raised three kids with zero family support, so they will always help if they can. I was green with envy when mine were little and there were grandparents practically raising their Grandchildren in the place we lived.

Then my BIL has children. My BIL and SIL were told by my PIL that they wouldn't help in the week as my MIL was working. So they both changed their shifts and my PIL now have the two children for 12 hours on a Saturday a 6 on a Sunday. It looks miserable for all concerned, the children never go anywhere, they get so bored and frustrated and my MIL particularly looks exhausted. I am so grateful we just got on with it because honestly, I'm embarrassed for my BIL and SIL. Who places that much pressure on their parents? I don't buy the whole "so much better for children." Nursery is run by trained professionals.

My MIL was early 60s when we had our firsf child, fit and healthy, had retired aged 51. She made it clear we had to bd with yhd kids when shd visited of when we visited her. We never dropped them even for a couple of hours. She made that very clear. We live 3 hours away so no danger oc using her as free childcare, even if we’d wanted to.

Exactly. Every time I see someone looking for a village, I notice they want to take more than give.

Exactly. They want our money and our labour but not our opinions. Sod that.

You are being unreasonable because life is full of having to do what you would rather not

and yes it’s usually the women because that’s just the sexist society we live in - it’s nothing new

just because you get old you don’t escape it

This is a really nasty comment. It may be your experience but generalising it is misogynistic and ageist.
Have you ever thought about the complexity of the situation? Someone might feel obligated to help with childcare as there is pressure to do so, equally they may feel exhausted by it. It’s not a simple situation.

My paternal grandparents both died before my dad had children, and my mum was NC with her parents so no, they didn't get any help. My parents are more than happy to help out in emergencies (eg when our youngest was severely ill in hospital they kept our eldest for a week) or babysit occasionally, but it's not at all a regular thing that we expect, nor should it be IMO. They of course love their GC and value time with them, but they also value their free time! And they should, because they've already raised their children.

Utter madness.
Beggars belief that they were persuaded in the first place.

There should be government schemes so grandparents can get paid to look after the grandchildren? Why on earth is this down to the government? I used to bing my dad a couple of hundred a month for helping out back in the day. It was only school runs but it was X4 a day including home for lunch.

We can choose to escape it though.

This is the right attitude and the most practical solution.

It was certainly my experience when my children were young to see many exhausted grandparents under huge pressure to do childcare and absolutely resent it, particularly full-time.

Among my peers I see a huge push back. Many had their children late and have zero interest now that they finally hzve a bit of freedom again.

A couple of years ago when my friend was retiring at school year end her son mentioned that they had her pencilled in for childcare when their baby would require childcare the following October.
It was just assumed!
She laughed as if he was joking and said she had no interest in being tied down by anything and moved the conversation on very quickly as they were with family.

He called the following day to say him and his pregnant wife were very upset as they had assumed she would love to look after their future baby. She explained that she would be enjoying freedom for the first time after 40 years of work and would not be committing to anything.

They tried to use contact as a bargining chip early on, but that fell flat when she went to Australia for 3 months a few weeks after the baby was born.

She has a lot of close family and dear friends living abroad and relishes visiting them for extended periods.

Providing any sort of childcare was never on the cards having reared her own and worked full-time for 40 years.

I was co parented by my GDP.I Dad was ill and died suddenly.She was around my age at the time.I was an only child and she had boundless energy.Did have a nap each day though,No DGC yet but I would like to help out if I can h.However in recovery from chemo ATM so not sure .Babysitting evenings and weekends as my mum did for me

I generally do two days a week... but they can be very long days from 6.30 am- 10.30pm due to my DD and her dh being a nurse and shift worker. Some weekends the same, though that is going to stop as her DH has just changed jobs.
I'm still working part time, but gave up full time to be Granny care.

Am I knackered? Yes... you bet. But do I love being my DGS's other special person... absolutely! He's off to school in September and then I'll start all over again with baby no 2, (as well as drop offs and pick ups) and I'll be at toddler groups, soft play etc. They are only little for a few short years and in the meantime it lets my DD keep her career going, allows them to survive financially.

I never had any help with my four as my Mum lived too far away (and wouldn't have been keen anyway) so I'm glad I can help out. Plus I work in early years and it's fun to be one of their first educators

Same, my DH to be and I moved 250 miles away for his new job so neither his nor my parents have ever felt obliged to provide regular child care for our kids, just the for the occasional night out when we visited them or vice versa. By contrast, their next door neighbours were still looking after their grandchildren full time, for free, when they were in their eighties. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

I do it for my DGD one day a week. I love it and feel like I’ve developed a bond with her that I otherwise wouldn’t have . My DH feels the same although it is tiring (and we are young at heart early 60s so not “old”)
My DD is a teacher so we find it quite restrictive and expensive having to take our holidays during the school holidays - we try not to let her down by going away when it’s cheaper .
I wouldn’t want to do any more days on a regular basis - although I often do and we are quite looking forward to her going to school but plan to carry on looking after her on weekends and school holidays

When I worked in Children and family teams saw this all the time.
GPs bringing up GC’s.
I know one family where the ex- substance using daughter deliberately avoids engagement with the correct services in order to have her children back in her care, including housing and social care as she gets to visit and spend quality time with her children but would now find it hard ‘to give up her evenings and weekends’ andn’get back in the swing of it’
She thinks her mum is doing a better job - true possibly - but poor Nan is on her knees and totally over a barrel as the alternative for her GCs would be the care system.

A lot of parents think the village just means free childcare They dont like it when the village tells their kid off when they are running around a coffee shop when hot drinks are being served.
Village my arse

Yes, totally agree. It's a much misunderstood phrase nowadays.

That's great if you're finding it enjoyable - the point is that some folk feel forced into it, sadly.

I’m 43 with a 3yo. There is no way I’m doing regular childcare. Not a chance. I’ve had my kids later in life so that I can give them the very best childhood and raise them to good adults and they need to get on with it then as adults.

I have minded my grandchild since ge was 1.
Hes now 3 and will go to nursery 4 days a week from September and I won't know what to do with myself!
I've adored every single minute and it's been a privilege to see him through his baby hood
I totally understand it's not for everyone, but it's worked out really well for us

I may have missed it, but I haven't seen anyone acknowledge that very many grandparents are having to support the generation above them, as well as being expected to help with grandchildren.

I was fortunate that by the time my grandchildren arrived, my mum and MIL had reached the point that they needed 24 hour care in a care home, so I only needed to make the regular visits to them. But had I been needing to support them in their own homes still, having to do even part time child care would have been more than I could take.

People are waiting much longer to have their firsts and still expecting it too. It's not fair to have your first baby at 40 and expect your parents to put the same effort your grandparents put into you. Especially when women retire later.

My mum insisted she’d do childcare for me. She did 2 days a week until he went to school and both she and my son loved it. She booked her hols as she wanted and I took annual leave to cover. She claimed the National insurance top up you can claim if you provide regular childcare for a family member as I didn’t need to.

ExMiL insisted she wanted to do a day a week to ExP but about 1 week before I went back to work changed her NWD to a day we’d booked nursery for and told me she was “sick of looking after other people’s kids”. She denied ever saying this to ExP and his family and insisted it was me stopping her having DS but I arranged nursery for the day we were missing and she just saw him as and when.

Both my mum and ExMiL had quite a lot of grandparent help with their kids and were young grandmas.

That's what you think now. But you have no idea what your circumstances might be or your energy levels.

When I started doing irregular child care for my first grandchild, I was knackered at the end of the day, but had the energy to be an active and entertaining Grandma while she was with me. Now I'm only four years older than I was then, but a day with her and her toddler sister is a whole different ball game, and the activities are fewer and I'm not as much of a fun Grandma.

I couldn't possibly do significant regular childcare now. And I consider myself a reasonable active and healthy nearly 70 year old, compared to many.

People are having children later and later, and grandparents getting older and older.

My grandmother was 40 when her first grandchild was born.
My mum was 52 when her first grandchild was born.
I was 64 when my first grandchild was born.

At some point mothers of young children are going to run out of grandparents who are physically able to look after their chld even for a day