to think many grandmothers actually do not want to do childcare?

[onlytwo]

I go to a regular toddler group and there are many older women there with their grandchildren.

Been talking to them and many of them do not want to do childcare but have been pressured into by mostly their daughters but also their sons. Their children often think they are delighted to be looking after their grandchildren but often it is a huge struggle for these women (and it mostly women). They feel like they can't take a break because their children rely on them for childcare because of the cost of nurseries and general cost of living. They no longer have the same energy levels and also often have health issues.

Also grandfathers are usually not pressured into doing childcare and are rarely expected to give up their job when grandchildren come along. Their life mostly remains unchanged,

I feel the expectation of women to keep doing childcare is unfair and is coming from their own daughters. Some of the older women are frail and struggling to keep up with young children.

When talking to the mums, they say their mums love spending time with their grandchildren and looking after them. That is not what they have said to me.

I became a grandmother at 37 and was still working and still had teens myself so no way was I doing regular childcare.

I'm 45 now and I do occasionally babysit and go for days out but I'm definitely not a sleep over, pick up from school type of nan.

Been there, done that so I'm enjoying being child free now.

I know but I want them to have a good connection with their grandparents. This wont happen if they dont see their grandparents at all. The once a week is optional tbh, if they had said no then obviously I would have had to decrease my working hours.
I am not like others who expect grandparents to help our 3+ days a week for free.

I don’t think as many nowadays value time with their GCs OP, no

I value every second with my grandchildren. I don't care much for having them on my own though. It's exhausting.

There's then the thousands of grandparents in the country who have taken on the role of kinship carers for the GC usually with very little or no financial support. Me and my husband have our 4 year old GC living with us because her feckless parents chose drugs and alcohol over their child. We have accepted our retirement has gone which has felt like a bereavement. We both adore our GC want to safeguard her and offer her The opportunity of a full and enriching life.
If that hadn't happened I wouldn't have wanted to do childcare so parents could work, I brought 3 up as a single working mother.
You play the hand you're dealt but if there had been a choice......

I want to help my sons with childcare if needed/ wanted if they have children. I would definitely not do full time though. I am thinking one day per week for each son’s children. Maybe a caravan holiday for various grandchildren once a year and some babysitting.
Just to throw another variable in the mix…
My boyfriend who I don’t live with also has 2 teenagers. I have already considered that I would have to be completely clear that I wouldn’t provide childcare for them on a regular basis but would babysit the odd evening or help in an emergency if I wasn’t working. My reasoning for this is I know I only have a certain amount of energy and I want to save it for my own children. My children’s dad is useless/ abusive so I want to do what I can for them as no one else in their family will help them. My boyfriend would not do childcare for my children/ grandchildren either but there is a gender difference as I am sure no one would ask him but I can see me being asked by him/ his kids to help them out as I do love children etc. It will be a no for anyone apart from my own children/ grandchildren and that does include step grandchildren if they end up being step dads. My reasoning for that is for me it’s not about the grandchildren it would be to help my sons although I’m sure I would love all the children regardless. My views may seem odd to some but I’m knackered now with all the hours I work and having brought up my children as a single parent. I’m saving what energy I have left to help my sons and much as I like my boyfriends children I don’t have the energy to do both. I don’t want to commit to helping them and then being committed and being unable to help my own children.

If I end up doing one or two days a week I hope I will still have the time and energy for yoga/ swimming/ seeing friends etc.

It's often absolutely exhausting and sometimes the wine comes out, once they've gone home 🤣

BUT I absolutely adore looking after my grandchildren. It's a privilege and I hope they're left with many happy memories, when I'm no longer here.

I think you can get NI credits

My mother was 43 when her first grandchild was born. Father 45. I was 58 husband 65.

If you marry later and have children later you have to accept that grandparents may not be up to childcare.

No it was rough, but since anything was better than being with horrible shouty slappy mummy it was the least worst option 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think m people are right when they say being an involved grandparent does ensure a good bond. My sibling leaned on my mother a lot when the children were young and she is very bonded with those children now as teens. I on the other hand felt very strongly that I wanted to raise my children myself and didn’t need help as I was a SAHM so the children were very rarely left in my mothers sole care and as such they don’t have a strong bond. Bit of a shame in hindsight but at the time I was caught in a very strong mindset snd was proud at how bonded I was to my own kids if that made sense.

My grandchildren won't need childminding by the time I retire and I was a fairly young grandmother at 52.

I don't plan to do childcare, other than if there's no other option/regular plans fall through, should my DC decide to have children. DC wants to move abroad anyway, so it's unlikely to be a regular demand. I do think some adult children are quite demanding of their parents, especially their mothers.

Mine has always said she will never do childcare. The odd days to help out, but no regular help or weekly babysitting. She will do emergencies and very special occassions.

I take my hat off to you and hope you have some time to enjoy your freedom when your GC is older.

I’m very glad this hasn’t been an issue for me. My DGC lives a long way away and I have underlying health and mobility issues so can’t do any childcare at all. I absolutely love seeing my DGC every few weeks which means that I’m really enjoying my retirement.

I’m also very comfortable with the idea that when the time comes I will need visiting carers, then eventually a care home. I would never want my DC to have to look after me.

Some people really do take the piss. I mean grandma could be anything from 30-100 if my eldest child has a child the same age I had then I'll be 32. Grandma's are so varied.

I know some who are in their 80s who do absolutely everything and are completely worn out but feel they can't say no bless them. Some cases parents don't even have jobs to go to. I just don't understand why people have children and then force elderly women to raise them

My mum does the school run for DD occasionally, and might look after DCs for a couple of hours at a time every few months, but aside from that does very little childcare. MIL does even less. Husband and I work opposite shifts and we chose those roles/hours specifically so we didn't rely on anyone else for childcare. They are our children that we chose to have. GCs have already done their child raising! GC should never be pressured into providing free childcare and I see many families/situations where it's almost expected.

Be interesting to know if the grandparents who don't want to do childcare for the benefit of their parents helping with childcare when they're kids were little

That's a bit sweeping. Many, maybe even most of us got no help at all.

My mum got no help.
I got no help.
Not everyone is privileged to live close to fit and able and willing relatives.

Oops, should say GP, not GC 🤦‍♀️

I also think, if you do have your parents looking after your child, then let them to do this in the way that’s easiest for them. I’ve known so many people complain that their parents let their kids nap for too long. Well sorry, but if I was looking after someone’s child, for free, and they wanted to sleep all afternoon then that is what the child would be doing. Why should the grandparents put up with a grizzly, miserable toddler all afternoon just so the parents can get them into bed early and have the evening to themselves?

Could have written your post coat and wellies. Did one full day a week and also paid one day per week childminder cost. I did it to make my daughter’s life easier and because I wanted to spend time with dgd. Like you I did toddler group and the park. One favourite was the garden centre with a sand pit, where she happily played while I watched with a coffee. We did endless play and we singing. My daughter would not wanted me to do it if I didn’t love it. The loving shout of ‘ grandma’s here’ melted my heart .
My own parents chose to be no help, I was a single mum with a mortgage and a little help would have made a lot of difference. Perhaps that’s why I chose to help.After all it’s not a life sentance, there were two short years between the end of mat leave and her starting pre- school. I really miss her and am great flu to have had those years. I also look forward to helping in the holidays.
i know everyone is not in the position to help, but I would be eager to do the same if my second child is a mother and allows me the priveledge

I’m a grandma at 60 and still working a 70 hour week as a deputy head teacher. Much as I love my grandchildren, I simply wouldn’t be able to do childcare. My daughter is also a deputy head teacher…and now says how much she appreciates how tough it must have been for me to sort out childcare when she (and my other children) were young. I was a single mum when they were toddlers, and yes, it was really tough.

Saying all this…even if I wasn’t working full time, I’m not sure I’d want to be providing childcare to babies and toddlers. I do the odd day when our holidays are different, and it’s bloody exhausting!

I am a GM and have done some childcare for the DGC. Was 2 days a week on my own with the oldest one (now 7) from about 8 mths old and 2 days a week with DH for the younger one (now 4). They both went to pre-school full-time school hours from the age of 3 however so then it was just pick-ups and days in the holidays. We still do holiday cover often sleepovers at our house. We only have these 2 DGC and it is unlikely there will be any more. DH is nearly 80 and I am 70 and I have to admit it is getting harder although now the DGC are older too so it kind of balances out a bit. I know what people say though about not wanting to let DD down as they rely on our help. Our oldest DGC age 7 has some special needs so alternative childcare is not readily available - it is not just about the cost. Also we love them and enjoy spending time with them. I think a lot of GP probably have similar mixed feelings.

A lot of parents think the village just means free childcare They dont like it when the village tells their kid off when they are running around a coffee shop when hot drinks are being served.
Village my arse