to think many grandmothers actually do not want to do childcare?

[onlytwo]

I go to a regular toddler group and there are many older women there with their grandchildren.

Been talking to them and many of them do not want to do childcare but have been pressured into by mostly their daughters but also their sons. Their children often think they are delighted to be looking after their grandchildren but often it is a huge struggle for these women (and it mostly women). They feel like they can't take a break because their children rely on them for childcare because of the cost of nurseries and general cost of living. They no longer have the same energy levels and also often have health issues.

Also grandfathers are usually not pressured into doing childcare and are rarely expected to give up their job when grandchildren come along. Their life mostly remains unchanged,

I feel the expectation of women to keep doing childcare is unfair and is coming from their own daughters. Some of the older women are frail and struggling to keep up with young children.

When talking to the mums, they say their mums love spending time with their grandchildren and looking after them. That is not what they have said to me.

I’ve always thought this. I’ve come across lots of child caring grandmas over the last few years and almost all of them have said they do feel put upon because of all the care they have to do. Most would prefer to do occasional babysitting or to spend time with the grandchildren with their son/daughter there too.

I think some parents take the absolute piss. Often they’ll have one child, which they expect the grandparents to look after and then add on another without discussing with grandparents if they could cope with two but still expecting them to do it.

i know it’s difficult as paid childcare is very expensive but a lot of the people I’ve come across have expensive cars, plenty of holidays etc so they definitely could make cutbacks to pay for childcare instead of using their parents who often don’t want to do it but don’t like to say no.

But how do they do it? Even if they live nearby? Many grandparents will be working, at least part time. They will have their own pension needs to think of if they are not retirement age. Or are their offspring paying them a salary or into a pension for them? For those who become grandparents for the first time over the age of 70, it really must be too much for many of them.

£20 to buy anything decent these days!

Beautifully put @User839516and hopefully what my own approach to grandparenting will be. Particularly liked "I am not a background character in their story. I am the leading lady of my own". Hope you get the book finished.

This is a good point. In my head 1 day a week is "normal" so I was reading all these comments with that in mind, but it looks like some people are talking about 5 days a week which I think is crazy to expect.

I'm pregnant with my first and both my mom and MIL do 1 day a week but unfortunately for me it's the same day lol. Cross that bridge when I come to it

I was going to say something similar to this poster, and it's come up on similar threads - we shouldn't be surprised that mother's who were relatively hands off/left their children with their own mothers a lot of the time, don't want to be hands on grandmothers. It's the hypocrisy that is galling; not that these women "owe" childcare to anyone.

I have a MIL who does not enjoy childcare obligations. I try to respect this and generally only request help in emergencies or adhoc situations (we have a severely disabled child and DH works occasional weekends so I do sometimes have to ask her to have our other child). We don’t have any regular childcare from her. It’s fine, she’s supportive in lots of other ways.

Meanwhile my DM loves small children (they were the focus of her entire career) and she is always asking me to have mine. She rang this morning to request that DD spend the afternoon at her house, I didn’t ask so I know she genuinely wants to.

The idea that every woman Is desperate to spend their lives caring for small children is ridiculous but some do genuinely enjoy it so.

You make a good point. Our dc are now grown up and some of our friends, thirty years ago, had exceptional help from grandparents - they were the ones fir whom keeping successful careers going were possible without full-time, live in nannies. In two of the three cases the grandmother, who bore most of the burden became quite unwell. One had a stroke, and one became wracked with back pain (probably due to the heavy toddler lifting). Both families then had to engage formal, paid childcare. Unlike us, neither are heading towards their 70s with elderly mothers needing care. They died years ago.

Course they don’t. They have spent their life raising their own kids - then have to do it again but much older theirselves

I’ve always said I don’t think GP should do regular childcare

look after /play with them as nanny/grandad yes if they want or have odd sleepover

but have many friends who use their parents and they are tired and I don’t think it’s fair

and yes comes down to mum/nanny usually. Not the dad /grandad

They are all in late sixties or early seventies and retired. It's one or two days a week, not the full week, but nevertheless very tiring. And they mostly travel a long way too. Only one had to give up after a short time because of ill health.

They all enjoy the closeness they have with grandchildren as a result.

This woman is being criticised as she said that she didn't want to do any child care at all for her grandchildren and when OP took her at her word, MIL complained to a friend that she would have loved to do child care. Whether there is a FIL or not is irrelevant.

I was born in the late 60s, there was no child care, from the age of about 7 onwards both my parents worked and I was left alone in the house during the school holidays and after school.

I’m friends with two grandmothers who do full time childcare (one did full time 7.30am- 6pm for preschool age for 6 years and now does 7.30-9 and 3-6 5 days a week) the other looks after 4 grandchildren full time 5 days per week. They are exhausted, moan about it daily and they can’t do anything termtime ever.

They say ‘this generation can’t cope without the help’ but of course they could- they just want free childcare.

I have a friend who has just retired and is a grandmother who complains bitterly about this as she often can't drink with lunch and be expected to do the school run in the afternoon as well. It has really cramped her style. She was so looking forward to spending her retirement in her garden on a sun lounger with a bottle of chilled white wine and potboiler but in the last week has been called on twice to pick up the grandchildren because her daughter has decided to work late. She has two daughters and a son, all with families, but one daughter who lives close by has the expectation that she is now available to run errands, be at her house to let the gas fitter in, pick up kids, etc.

She's recently started talking about moving to Spain.

I'm saying this as someone who has grandparent childcare but you don't need to provide regular childcare to have a close bond with your grandchildren. I only had the one grandmother who died when I was a teenager. She lived 200 miles away so was too far and too ill to provide any sort of childcare but she was still an absolutely wonderful grandmother, I had a fantastic bond with her and have lovely memories of her too

Unbelievable...

My own mother INSISTS to her son she wants to childmind, but portraits the martyr to everyone else. Many older women are master manipulator and are also too old to be doing it. Some love being the martyr

Master manipulators? Who end up looking after kids when they don't want to?
That doesn't compute.

I think it’s wrong if the grandparents are expected to pay out to take grandchildren to places where they have to pay a lot to entertain them and feed them eg. theme parks etc. Fine, if money is no object, but many would struggle and not like to say no.
Not talking about the odd day at the seaside or a treat . I suspect many grandparents are taken for granted by parents who work full time, in which case they should be compensated or reduce the days they are looking after the children. . Retired people in their seventies and beyond want time for their own interests, or just to rest, but if childcare is needed, it should be on the gp’s terms.

There are so many issues to consider. One is class: the working classes (for which read those on lower incomes) have a lower healthy life expectancy, meaning that by state pension age many will be in poor health. They are also unlikely to be in a financial position to retire early. It’s a double whammy.
The only people I know who had children in their 20s were from wealthy families who had helped them get onto the property ladder. Their parents were younger and in good health, plus had the money to help pay for nannies and school fees etc. So no obligation or requirement to provide childcare, they could just do the ‘fun’ bit.
The rest of us got on the property ladder later, had children later, our parents were older and not all in great health, plus they were all working FT. My dad died before retirement age, my mum had long term health issues and was knackered from an intense job. It was FT nursery or nothing. My mum would have loved to help, not because she loves young children (she really doesn’t!), but because she could see the strain on me, especially after my partner walked out, but she couldn’t or she couldn’t have paid her own rent. She’s worked so damned hard all her life, I wouldn’t want her to lose this bit of time she has just for her.

Which wasn’t ideal, was it?

I had this and was pretty feral!

My mother rarely worked after marriage but raised three children. I'd never have expected her to give up work to care for mine. I think that if a working granny does this then at least match the salary she has lost.

Grandmothers are such a varied bunch. With some in their thirties full of energy and others in their nineties.

I do agree with you that some people take the piss I know a few families where gran does EVERYTHING, in her 80s and doing the school run every single day. Feels she cannot say no, bless her.

I dont really understand why certain people have children and expect their 80 year old mother or mother in law to do absolutely everything

This is what we do. One day a week, and I love it. It’s a great opportunity to really get to know the grandkids and build a great relationship. But it is tiring, and to be honest I’ll be happy when the youngest starts school, so no more early morning starts, even when it’s just one day a week. 🤣
And they didn’t ask for child care, we offered because we wanted to do it.

My DM has my youngest one day a week. She used to have eldest before baby was born, and was going to have both together but I felt this was too much for her, and it would make it a hectic day of feeling glad just to make it through, (like for me when I have both 2 days a week!) rather than being the enjoyable day looking after only one at a time is. So I send eldest to nursery another day. We're all well aware of the pros and cons of grandparent childcare. Mum was already retired and had been telling me for years to get on and have children so she could mind them. Some of us do actually appreciate our parents and would never dream of stopping access as seems to be a common threat, from reading this thread.
On the subject of men, my DF still works full time but is extremely flexible, and fairly often comes with DM and is able to do the odd call around childcare. He often drives if she is feeling tired or car issues, and I'd say he as much as her appreciates the duty they've signed up for as much as her.