to think many grandmothers actually do not want to do childcare?

[onlytwo]

I go to a regular toddler group and there are many older women there with their grandchildren.

Been talking to them and many of them do not want to do childcare but have been pressured into by mostly their daughters but also their sons. Their children often think they are delighted to be looking after their grandchildren but often it is a huge struggle for these women (and it mostly women). They feel like they can't take a break because their children rely on them for childcare because of the cost of nurseries and general cost of living. They no longer have the same energy levels and also often have health issues.

Also grandfathers are usually not pressured into doing childcare and are rarely expected to give up their job when grandchildren come along. Their life mostly remains unchanged,

I feel the expectation of women to keep doing childcare is unfair and is coming from their own daughters. Some of the older women are frail and struggling to keep up with young children.

When talking to the mums, they say their mums love spending time with their grandchildren and looking after them. That is not what they have said to me.

I used to volunteer at a toddler group and saw the same thing also

also the same. They didn’t want to do it. It was too tiring. But they’re kids couldn’t afford to have kids boils down to it….

That's not quite what i meant, i just thought why would she not expect to do it as she clearly expected her Mum to do it. His Grandad was also very involved, they were very close.

Seems like a relevant thread to mention that there is a Grandparents' childcare credit where you can boost your state pension if you care for a young family member (and you are before state pension age). It’s especially helpful if you’re missing gaps in your NI record. It’s not a huge benefit but it’s something that I don’t think many are aware of (basically the child benefit transfers to a grand parent).

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/grandparents-childcare-credit/

That was quite nasty. When I had my eldest son, I went job share and was going to send him to a childminder the other 2.5 days. I told my parents and my Dad, who had just retired from the police, said "he's not going to a stranger, I'll watch him". And he did. 2 days a week and my MIL offered to have him the other half day. The bond he had with my Dad was incredible and DS loves all the things Dad did. To the extent that he has just gained a Masters in Creative Writing because my Dad read to him constantly (so did I and I got my love of literature and music from my parents). He is also still really close with my MIL. There are good men in the world. I am sorry you've only had experience of the bad ones.

My mum made it clear she did not want to do regular childcare. She will however take them for ad hoc days in school holidays. Which is a massive help and I am very grateful. MIL doesn’t do much. She might have them for a day if we ask her and she has no plans but it’s rare.
Uncommon around me. Most children at school are collected by a grandparent at least a couple of times a week

Our child our rules. If you can follow them for an afternoon (when being watched) you can follow them for a day.

If your time is too valuable to do what’s best for my child, then you can happily have it to yourself.

I'm a grandmother who provides childcare for my DGD two days a week. I happily agreed to this when my DD and DSiL asked me before she was born. She's just over two now and I've looked after her since she was 9 months old. I'm an early years educator by profession so very used to toddlers/reception age children so I thought 2 days would be a breeze! For context, my husband is still working full time and I work in education two days.

However, the first few weeks of this arrangement were really tough. I was one of those Grandmother's at baby groups looking tired and worn out despite being physically fit and active! The days were long, stressful and to be honest quite boring. I seriously thought I'd made a massive mistake agreeing to this and I'd planned to admit defeat! Looking after someone else's child is exhausting.

Fast forward to now, and I can honestly say, the two days of the week I have her are the best! We know each other well now and enjoy each other's company. Hearing her excitedly shout, "it's Grandma" from the other side of the door when I pick her up, makes my heart burst! The mornings are filled with messy play, stories and walks. In the afternoons, we go to the woods and explore. The days fly by. She starts preschool later this year so I'm making the most of her company now!

I know my DD and DSiL appreciate what I do and it makes their lives a bit easier. DGD goes to nursery two days a week and other Grandparents one day.
Both sets of Grandparents also pick up sick days. We've had a couple of sleepovers here now too which have gone well despite my nervousness over the first one!

If things didn't take a turn for the better, I would have had a frank discussion with DD and DSiL. At the end of the day, the child we are looking after is at the centre of this and will pick up any reluctance/stress from the caregiver.

I was raised in a family that had the rules you had them you look after them dont pile them on someone else to do the job for you.
In an emergency yes anything else no.
I wont be doing any child care i dont do it now for anyone.

A friend allowed his daughter to talk him and his wife into selling their house and buying a bigger one with her and her partner. They are now on tap childcare. School runs everyday. All day every day childcare during the school holidays. They can’t ever go off for the day. Friend is not in the best of health and had to retire early because of this, but he’s not even getting to enjoy it because of his selfish daughter and her husband.

I suppose I’m a bit gobsmacked that someone would ask their mother to give up their job to look after their grandchildren full time.

I've claimed this for several years and it's boosted my pension forecast to the full state pension. Very easy process.
Just to note that the child must be under 12, the claimant must be under state pension age and it doesn't necessarily apply just to grandparents, other relatives could make a claim if they satisfy the criteria. Oh and it can be backdated.

I think it varies. In modern life, most women are working until retirement age which is 67 so that rules out full time child care if the kids aren't in school and latchkeying it unless they want to fuck up their retirement. SAHM has not been the norm since the late 70s and 80s here.

Some want to, some don't. Some are able to, some aren't due to aging, health concerns, work, and so on. I live where it's not out of the norm for grandmothers to have their grandkids living with them due to various issues. Multigenerational living is common, I grew up in a multigenerational home. I think the Boomers were the last generation to have a lot of SAHMs. Another factor is families are not necessarily local any more. Due to finding work and affordable cost of living, people don't to stay in one place anymore. The older people are selling up and moving to affordable places

It sounds as though you don't want to have a relationship with your grandchildren. £5 in a card for Christmas and birthdays sounds very grudging and joyless.

I get it. However if the father’s side don’t want to then why should the grandmother be obligated. There is a grandfather, two grandparents (sometimes more) from the father’s side and the father himself.

at the end of the day of the great grandmother wants to take that role let her. However as sad as it is it should not fall on the grandmother. Everyone else said no she can say no too.

Grandparents that are unhappy need to learn how to say no. Some Grandparents love it, some don't and the parents of the children in question aren't mind readers.

You’re still asking them to have them once a week though, alongside them working full time. Not sure it’s just under 30s….

That's your experience. Mine is the complete opposite. Almost all the grandparents I know have given regular childcare.

Most are single/widowed/divorced women, I have to say, but I certainly know several grandfathers who give a lot of care too.

It is not surprising, if it is full-time, many enjoy part-time.

My mother helped me and if my DC needed help in the future I'd be happy to help.

The grandchildren brought my parents a lot if joy, they'd beam when they saw them, hopefully I'll feel that joy too, Dad who was a cranky short tempered man when we were children, softened completely with his grandchildren.

It’s fine if grandparents don’t want to bother or help with their grandchildren. However they should be prepared to not ask their grown children for help once they’re old and in need of care.

Works both ways.

I do childcare for my 19 month old grand daughter at the moment. I've told my daughter I'll do the 4 days a week till she turns 2 in September and then I expect her to put her into a creche. 2 days with me, 2 days in creche. Even thought I'm only 53 by the end of the 4 days I'm wrecked. I love having her but it is hard running around after a toddler. Luckily my daughter already has childcare lined up for Sept. But they both still live with us so it seems like I never have free time.

Doesn't surprise me. How many threads do you read on here where the op is cross grandparents won't help out enough / at all and believes they should help?

And many of the replies agree that they ought to help.

There is definitely a big expectation and sense of entitlement, which I bet anything translates to huge guilt tripping in real life.

Won't last though because we are fast going back to the days where you worked till you dropped and only the lucky few made it to retirement age.

Funniest thing I find is that most of these grandparents who whinge had their parents or in laws helping out with childcare while their children were growing up.

I will help out with my future grandchildren as much as I can.

I think that’s a great compromise and when I have grandchildren a day a week sounds perfect. I suspect the OP is talking about those who do it from 8am to 6pm five days a week.

No. I've made it clear that I will not provide regular childcare for any grandchildren. I would much prefer to pay for for them to attend a private nursery for a couple of days per week.

Do you think they follow your rules nursery and School or are there perhaps different rules for different situations?