Why are so many English people so cold and reserved?

[Seventell]

Im English myself. But i havent lived In England for a long time.

Ive had a nice career and ive lived and worked all over Europe. I most recently, was living in Italy.

My female boss in italy was so nice.

The first day that i was there, she asked me what i liked to do, i said that i liked to go to art classes. She told me about all the art museums in the area.

She looked up art classes for me to go to.
She also used to bring in little cakes for me every day. She said things like "if you ever need help with anything, ask me" my other colleagues were all really nice to me aswell. They would invite me out for dinners, and they were all so kind.

Ive just moved back to England two weeks ago. Im just shocked! My boss here is so cold. But not just cold. He seems really emotionally stunted, like he is barely able to have a conversation.
My other colleagues are like that aswell. They are really cold.
Ive also gone out to groups and ive seen that english people are much colder in these groups, then people are in other countries that ive lived in

Its just made me think - what has happened to english people. A lot of them seem so emotionally stunted and emotionally damaged.

Maybe your superiority complex tends to make people cold towards you 🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe they just don’t like you OP. If you’re not happy and think that the entire population of England are cold and unfriendly, perhaps you should just move away again. Why did you come back anyway?

Byeee 👋

My southern colleagues have said explicitly that they find me warmer and more open than most. I live in the NE. I am probably more open and interested (nosy?!) in people than most, because I just like people, but I think it's cultural too. People are more chatty and less suspicious up here, perhaps?

I do think it's normal to feel lonely when you move to a new country, especially when you come alone as this student probably has. You're not only leaving behind friends and family but everything that is familiar. You have a yearning for the foods, sights and sounds of your home country. I felt desperately lonely and homesick when I lived in Spain. Despite people being warm towards me, it was a superficial warmth as I've already said and I felt very alone.
I work at a university and 99% of our Masters students are not British. Universities make most of their money from foreign masters students. I'd imagine that nearly everyone on her course and many of her lecturers are non-British so she'll be mixing with people of many nationalities.
Our masters students come from all over the world. Most have a kind of culture shock for the first few months but usually end up being fond of the UK. Some choose to stay, some come back years later with their families. Can't think of any students that hate it the whole time!

Making friends, like any other social interaction, depends on understanding cultural norms.

I have lived in 5 countries on 3 different continents, done my best to fit in and adapt. But returning to the UK have made new friends effortlessly, because this is my culture of origin.

I get the feeling of alienation. But that isn't because 'English people are cold and reserved'. It's because you can't read and apply cultural norms. Just as I struggled to make friends in the USA, France and South Africa. I did make friends in each place, but it was hard work- valuable and rewarding - but nothing like the ease of making friends when I returned to the UK.

I will say that a lot of English people take time to get to know you. This is not the same as being cruel or emotionally stunted though. But once you get to know them they embrace you. Especially in London.

I love British self deprecation, dry wit and being called " darling" by the checkout clark.

It depends were you live different areas are friendlier i find .

Your post manages to read as if 'British People' and 'English People' are interchangeable

British people can be English, Scottish, (Northern) Irish or Welsh.

It's certainly not cruel to say someone is coming across as having a sense of entitlement!

I don't think you understand what the word means or you're ridiculously thin-skinned and hurt by the slightest criticism.

Perhaps this explains your problem - if people aren't overtly and enthusiasticly friendly towards you you think they're cold and reserved.

A lot of people would find that wearying and insincere though.

I'd argue that "boss and a few colleagues" hardly constitutes a statistically valid study of the English as a whole...

But if you're sitting in the office with a face on you like a smacked bum because your boss hasn't offered you cakes and directions to the nearest art gallery, then I'm not surprised they're giving you a wide berth.

Personally I like my boss to keep a professional distance. I like the work culture here. I dont want to be besties with my boss.

I suspect that there's a bit of a sense of loss for the great relationship you had with your boss.

I think that it's going to take some time for you to adjust to the difference in culture. I've travelled around the world for many years and it's true that there are differences in general attitudes or expected norms.

To take your experience with your boss in Italy, for you it was lovely but for someone more private, they might have felt like she was intruding in their personal life too much and feel like they were being scrutinized too much. Many would be both taken aback by a boss that had researched activities to do outside of the work day and felt pressured to do them. Though I think most people would love getting cakes every day, unless you were trying to lose weight. 😂

In the UK there's been years of "we have to get more efficient and cut costs". This has meant that many people have been forced to work harder or longer for the same money. There's a culture of needing to be "professional" and seen to be so. This is why when you are at work, what you like to do in your own time is irrelevant to your boss and indeed if they ask you about it, they might be seen to be overstepping boundaries. This is particularly an issue in larger companies where there's guidelines to be followed, to reduce discrimination or being accused of being inappropriate or causing offence. So it could be that some of the things you are feeling is due to the work culture and not indicative of how they would be towards you, if they weren't your boss. People are often overworked and equate professional, being focused on the job, serious, and reserved.

In smaller companies, where a team of people know each other well there's often less formality.

I do think that there's a general element of tendency of being naturally more reserved and less demonstrative than maybe a Spanish or Italian would be but I don't think it's because of emotional damage or inability to understand or have them. It's just that it's more normal to know someone well before you allow them "in" and be open with them

With time and making connections, hopefully you will see that lack of showing their emotions, doesn't mean that they don't like you. I'm not discounting that there nasty people everywhere and anyone can be cruel to another person and that's horrible.
Hopefully you will feel and less lonely once you make some friends and start to understand them better.

Perhaps those "english people" are just not as willing to overlook the fact that you seem to base a person's place in your life on what they do for you, without even a whisper of what you do for other people

Quite. It's all so very Needy.

There's a difference between being reserved and cold. I think a lot of other European cultures don't understand difference and it can be hard to find a way in but why would a whole group of people be cold and uncaring iand without empathy n their nature? It's how people approach each other and social rules.

I'm sure your old boss is a very nice woman but I would find that behaviour extremely overbearing from what you write. I would be finding it quite stressful.

I think independence is very important to English folk as a rule, and comes at some expense. Just as over bearing families have their benefits but my DP's S European family drive him mad (and to England for some peace, he says!).

People are complex. The English aren't all cold. Just as a rule we have our layers of class, rules, saving face, stiff upper lip etc etc. your new boss is an individual. He may have his own reasons for being hard to crack that are nothing to do with being English. Could also be the workplace. I've had some lovely friendly ones, some where nobody cracked a smile and some where people were a bit too friendly and the whole place was a total meat market.

You should go where you feel at home.
If the English culture doesn't suit you then you can move on somewhere else which is a better fit for you.
You might be offended at what I just said and think another nasty English person telling you to go home. That's not what I mean, I mean what I say, if it doesn't suit you, don't make yourself miserable by staying somewhere that doesn't suit.

As I said upthread I live in Austria and have been here many years I have seen many people of different nationalities come and go over the years. Some people just don't like it and feel lonely and decide to go back to their home country or move on to another country which suits them better. Or like me, for some of us, it's great and we love it here and have established great lives here so we've stayed.

Every person is different. Do what makes you happy but try not to make generalized statements about an entire group of people just because you personally find some English people cold and reserved.

Probably 100% due to employment law. Must treat everyone in same bland business way. Don’t ask personal questions lest it be perceived as bullying, racism or favoritism.

You had one super nice boss and some colleagues who were sociable and now that your new boss isn't like that it's a 'British people' thing?

YABU.

Honestly with our attitude to English people I'm not surprised you are getting a slightly cold shoulder, you are so unbelievably judgemental.

Do you think its due to employment law? Has that been a big thing in the UK recently?

The irony is strong.

You just judged me by calling me judgemental

It’s definitely been a culture shock! Well that’s how culture works. Each country has a different one. Surprise!

People are definitely more emotional , friendly and kind in spain and italy, in my opinion I think your opinion is wrong. I think you’re taking first impressions as evidence of how people really are.

I think to be so emotionay closed, is a sign of emotional damage I think that being best friends with someone within minutes of meeting them is a little odd and very superficial.

English people are also known around europe for being "cold and reserved". Thats how english people are known
Like ive heard spanish and italian people say that they think that English people are very difficult to talk to, because they are so reserved Hmmm, they aren’t claiming that we’re reserved when they’re complaining (quite understandably) about us being drunk and lairy tourists. Look, if you’re going to rely on lazy stereotypes then we could say that Spaniards spend half the day asleep and Italians are completely melodramatic about everything and overly serious about their food. Both are loud and shouty and both have short tempers. Obviously not true, but there are untrue stereotypes about every country in the world.

I just wonder what happened Nothing happened. You lived here. You were used to it. You went abroad. You got used to a different culture. Now you’re back and seeing it with outsider’s eyes.

I think part of it is island isolation. The UK is quite alone. The UK is definitely more alone than most other European countrie.
Because its an island.
And when you dont mix with a lot of other countries, you can get very introverted and insular. I think the UK is very diverse. I also think that if all of us were as effusive as Spain and Italy, then it would be a very intrusive and noisy place to be. There is nothing wrong with the British culture. If you’re struggling to make friends then it might be because you’re expecting us to behave the way people in different cultures do and thinking we’re all emotionally damaged because we like to know who you are before we give you our friendship.

I wouldn't say they were reserved at all, especially not with a drink in them.

Sullen veering to belligerent, mostly.

Is this a wind up?