Page 15 | Why are so many English people so cold and reserved?

ArtTheClown · 04/05/2025 23:31

People are definitely more emotional , friendly and kind in spain and italy, in my opinion.

Italy - I have never been so blatantly stared at in my life. Just open gawping, continuously.

Casperroonie · 05/05/2025 09:29

Blueskies25 · 04/05/2025 16:32

It’s not brainwashing, a lot of people don’t trust their employers and for very good reason a lot of the time

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This lady sounds unhinged actually. Perhaps the Italians felt sorry for her and put up with her weirdness and unprofessionalism?!?!?!

Tripleblue · 05/05/2025 11:06

Dappy777 · 03/05/2025 10:37

Of all the national stereotypes I have read on MN this is the silliest and least accurate. The UK may be many things, but insular it is not. On the contrary, it's an exceptionally cosmopolitan place.

First of all, the British share a common language with the US, Australia, Canada and New Zealand. So Brits read American novels, watch Australian TV shows, and so on. A Romanian, for example, who only speaks Romanian might watch stuff with subtitles or read translations, but he isn't plugged into a vast transnational culture in his own language.

Second, the UK has always had a large immigrant population. And I don't just mean people who move there permanently, I mean people who spend time there for work or study. Heathrow is one of the busiest airports on the world. Countries like Finland, Chile, etc don't have that. They don't have huge numbers of people coming and going.

Third, London is a vast international city. It's one of the most famous cities in the world, up there with Paris and Rome and New York. Many countries don't have that either. Like Paris or Berlin, London draws in writers, artists, bohemians, etc...people who find small towns and villages stultifying. I met countless foreigners in London who moved there because they were musicians or painters or poets and felt suffocated in their home country. I know a Spanish musician who grew up in a small village and moved to London to pursue her music career and meet "more arty, interesting people". You can tell the difference between people who've grown up in countries with a huge capital city and those that haven't.

Fourth, the British are big travellers. Huge numbers of Americans, in contrast, don't even own a passport.

Finally, the UK contains two of the most famous universities in the world – Oxford and Cambridge. Both draw in students from all over the world, especially the English-speaking world. Many Americans, Canadians and Aussies have a romantic attachment to Oxford, and associate it with people like Oscar Wilde or novels like Brideshead Revisited. In fact, many intellectuals from the English-speaking world are drawn to the UK by its history and culture. They grow up reading the canon of British literature – Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Blake, Wordsworth, Jane Austen, Dickens, etc – and long to make a pilgrimage to the Yorkshire moors to see where the Brontes lived, or to Bath for the Jane Austen festival, or to see where Charles Darwin lived, where Oscar Wilde studied, where Isaac Newton made his discoveries, or whatever. The UK is incredibly lucky in that respect. It has drawn in many brilliant intellectuals from the English-speaking world, from Henry James, Oscar Wilde and T S Eliot to Bill Bryson and Clive James.

The UK is exceptionally non-insular.

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Why do you make make men default humans.

Tripleblue · 05/05/2025 11:14

Op you are correct but it's a good thing - it's based on respect for privacy, seeing others as competent and always considering others feelings and treating people fairly. This then translates into law and order and economic success. Which is why most of the world have tried to move here in the last few decades.
The overbearing behaviour youve described is control freakery, lack of boundaries and remember people will expect you to put the same effort in for them.
You will make friends in a few years time. They'll be quality.

Original poster

Seventell · 06/05/2025 16:21

I'm still struggling.

I was working on shift with a man and a woman today. Myself and the woman were doing a task together.

I smiled when i saw her
. I said to her "hiya how was your week, did you have a nice bank holiday yesterday" she said one word..."yeah".

We were ten mins early for our shift, so I said to her "Im going to the tea room to make tea, would you like a cup of tea"?
She said one word "no".

I came out. We went into the room. I'm pretty new in the job so she was showing me how to do somehthing.

She said "this is what we are doing, take notes. "Then she just said a load of work tasks at me. Now the work part is fine . We are there to work, but she never said one non work related thing to me. She never asked me how my week was, was i doing anything at the weekened, anything. She didnt Even say anything about the weather. It was like talking to a robot.
There's no chat even on breaks. Its so serious.
I tried to ask her a few questions about her life, but I just got one word answers.

Some people are just so cold here, and i feel very sad here.

I guess if i'm this miserable here , i should probably leave. Maybe in a few months

OP posts:

KnittyNell · 06/05/2025 16:33

Seventell · 03/05/2025 09:09

The English are definitely known for their stiff upper lip!

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That stiff upper lip got us through two world wars.

Tiswa · 06/05/2025 16:37

Seventell · 06/05/2025 16:21

I'm still struggling.

I was working on shift with a man and a woman today. Myself and the woman were doing a task together.

I smiled when i saw her
. I said to her "hiya how was your week, did you have a nice bank holiday yesterday" she said one word..."yeah".

We were ten mins early for our shift, so I said to her "Im going to the tea room to make tea, would you like a cup of tea"?
She said one word "no".

I came out. We went into the room. I'm pretty new in the job so she was showing me how to do somehthing.

She said "this is what we are doing, take notes. "Then she just said a load of work tasks at me. Now the work part is fine . We are there to work, but she never said one non work related thing to me. She never asked me how my week was, was i doing anything at the weekened, anything. She didnt Even say anything about the weather. It was like talking to a robot.
There's no chat even on breaks. Its so serious.
I tried to ask her a few questions about her life, but I just got one word answers.

Some people are just so cold here, and i feel very sad here.

I guess if i'm this miserable here , i should probably leave. Maybe in a few months

Edited

She just wants to get on with work.

i wonder whether the issue is that because you are new you need to make social connections at work in order to have interactions with people.
she doesn’t she is just there to put her head down and work - which is fine and her preference

are you are similar age - I know when I started I went for lunch talked a lot to people etc but by the time I left 20 years later I just wanted to get through the day and come home my needs had changed

KnittyNell · 06/05/2025 16:37

Come and live in the West Country, we are a very friendly bunch.

Blueskies25 · 06/05/2025 16:44

Seventell · 06/05/2025 16:21

I'm still struggling.

I was working on shift with a man and a woman today. Myself and the woman were doing a task together.

I smiled when i saw her
. I said to her "hiya how was your week, did you have a nice bank holiday yesterday" she said one word..."yeah".

We were ten mins early for our shift, so I said to her "Im going to the tea room to make tea, would you like a cup of tea"?
She said one word "no".

I came out. We went into the room. I'm pretty new in the job so she was showing me how to do somehthing.

She said "this is what we are doing, take notes. "Then she just said a load of work tasks at me. Now the work part is fine . We are there to work, but she never said one non work related thing to me. She never asked me how my week was, was i doing anything at the weekened, anything. She didnt Even say anything about the weather. It was like talking to a robot.
There's no chat even on breaks. Its so serious.
I tried to ask her a few questions about her life, but I just got one word answers.

Some people are just so cold here, and i feel very sad here.

I guess if i'm this miserable here , i should probably leave. Maybe in a few months

Edited

She sounds like a bitch, give her back the same energy

Is she above you in rank in the workplace and she thought that it was beneath her to converse with someone like you

I would suggest not asking people personal questions until you suss them out more and try and figure out which are the nice ones and which ones are not

Let others instigate the conversation

Blueskies25 · 06/05/2025 16:46

Tiswa · 06/05/2025 16:37

She just wants to get on with work.

i wonder whether the issue is that because you are new you need to make social connections at work in order to have interactions with people.
she doesn’t she is just there to put her head down and work - which is fine and her preference

are you are similar age - I know when I started I went for lunch talked a lot to people etc but by the time I left 20 years later I just wanted to get through the day and come home my needs had changed

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She just wants to get on with work

Giving mono syllabic answers is just being deliberately rude

YYURYYUCICYYUR4ME · 06/05/2025 16:55

English and I talk to anyone, and certainly not socially inept here, maybe age is a factor? However I increasingly found workplaces can be cesspits, often due to poor management, so I definitely wouldn't base an opinion on work colleagues, as corporate culture can be awful in some places!

GarlicPile · 06/05/2025 17:08

Your update about the monosyllabic colleague prompted memories of the only workplace where I felt deliberately shunned. Sure, different places have different cultures but this was bad. I should've left asap, but I kept believing it must be a simple matter of toning things right down and waiting. It got worse.

It eventually turned out that the company had an institutional bullying problem and, within my department, the person in my role was always a target. There wasn't a reason for it, it was just the lore. Nice people were keeping away from me because they didn't want to see the car crash, and not-so-nice colleagues were enjoying the fresh chapter.

It would be fair to say I wasn't a good fit for that culture. Had I known about it, I wouldn't even have tried! I stuck it out far, far too long; it did me real and lasting harm. Now, I'd say if you feel like your face doesn't fit for some reason, don't bother wondering why or trying to fix it. Leave.

Whooowhooohoo · 07/05/2025 22:56

Seventell · 06/05/2025 16:21

I'm still struggling.

I was working on shift with a man and a woman today. Myself and the woman were doing a task together.

I smiled when i saw her
. I said to her "hiya how was your week, did you have a nice bank holiday yesterday" she said one word..."yeah".

We were ten mins early for our shift, so I said to her "Im going to the tea room to make tea, would you like a cup of tea"?
She said one word "no".

I came out. We went into the room. I'm pretty new in the job so she was showing me how to do somehthing.

She said "this is what we are doing, take notes. "Then she just said a load of work tasks at me. Now the work part is fine . We are there to work, but she never said one non work related thing to me. She never asked me how my week was, was i doing anything at the weekened, anything. She didnt Even say anything about the weather. It was like talking to a robot.
There's no chat even on breaks. Its so serious.
I tried to ask her a few questions about her life, but I just got one word answers.

Some people are just so cold here, and i feel very sad here.

I guess if i'm this miserable here , i should probably leave. Maybe in a few months

Edited

I worked with the USA version of that woman you just described, in my company NYC office.

She didn’t want to “waste time and energy” saying hello or doing small talk. She was young, attractive and a complete bitch. She had some work friends, but otherwise did her job and had minimal social interaction. So much that when she was pregnant, no one (who wasn’t in her inner circle) asked her anything about due date & she never even announced pregnancy. She did make big complaints though about having to use a small step to occasionally reach documents on a shelf whilst pregnant. Hilarious really - the big risk of using a step … all she needed to do is ask a colleague or ask documents to be moved. Tho hard to ask for help when you aren’t friendly to anyone and specifically say you don’t want anyone to talk to you.

Personally, would never go out of my way to help her with anything. I gave her the minimum. Once she had big toilet paper strip trailing from her shoe, I didn’t tell her.

Ireolu · 07/05/2025 23:23

People can only really work at a pace they feel comfortable with when it comes to friendships. I hope you start to settle into UK life soon OP :)

dayslikethese1 · 07/05/2025 23:40

If your male boss acted like your Italian boss (inviting you into a room to read poetry to you) he'd probably be accused of being creepy.

mathanxiety · 08/05/2025 01:10

KnittyNell · 06/05/2025 16:33

That stiff upper lip got us through two world wars.

Show quote history

Everyone got through two world wars, stiff upper lip or no.

And frankly, the stiff upper lip was firmly in place well before the world wars.

AnotherSadness · 08/05/2025 05:49

Of course there are cultural differences between countries.

OP, by posting this on a predominantly English forum, you are were always going to get these defensive responses, proving you right ;-)

I had a real culture shock when I went to Australia. People seemed so open and friendly. Same in Ireland.

However, I think whilst people here can be a little less friendly and open immediately, I think given some time, people do show their individual kindness and helpfulness.

I do think that we are perhaps more self-conscious here. I also think there may be a link with drinking, as we drink quite a lot here. Or used to. I think many need it to loosen up inhibitions.

The biggest thing I notice is hospitality. Whilst I was born and brought up here, I am from a different culture. My husband is English. Even he now notices the difference in hosting and hospitality between different cultures.

Obviously this is a stereotype and not about individuals. but our friends who are of Australian, Israeli, Indian, Spanish, Greek, US nationality (to name a few), greet guests with piles of food and drink. As a whole, the English hosting is quite different and more limited. I have seen threads on here saying it’s fine not to offer a cup of tea to an unexpected guest, or it’s ok not to offer food to parents at a kid’s party. That would be unheard of in many cultures. And it is not related to money. Some of the most generous hosting I have experienced has been in some of the poorest countries in the world. Again, a stereotype but there is some basis in reality. Others have noticed it in my social group. And of course generous English hosts do exist too!

OP I am sorry you are feeling isolated. I hope things improve. Is there a group from your community here that you can join as a start? Hobbies can also work if you have time. There are friendly English people around; it may just take a while. And as you get older, people in general are busier and may have less time for new friendships. So it may well not be personal, but logistical.

AnotherSadness · 08/05/2025 05:54

Seventell · 06/05/2025 16:21

I'm still struggling.

I was working on shift with a man and a woman today. Myself and the woman were doing a task together.

I smiled when i saw her
. I said to her "hiya how was your week, did you have a nice bank holiday yesterday" she said one word..."yeah".

We were ten mins early for our shift, so I said to her "Im going to the tea room to make tea, would you like a cup of tea"?
She said one word "no".

I came out. We went into the room. I'm pretty new in the job so she was showing me how to do somehthing.

She said "this is what we are doing, take notes. "Then she just said a load of work tasks at me. Now the work part is fine . We are there to work, but she never said one non work related thing to me. She never asked me how my week was, was i doing anything at the weekened, anything. She didnt Even say anything about the weather. It was like talking to a robot.
There's no chat even on breaks. Its so serious.
I tried to ask her a few questions about her life, but I just got one word answers.

Some people are just so cold here, and i feel very sad here.

I guess if i'm this miserable here , i should probably leave. Maybe in a few months

Edited

She sounds rude.

Though there are many on MN who cannot manage small-talk so perhaps she just does not know how to chat.

That woman sounds quite extreme. Most people I meet are not like that and would be able to engage in basic conversation. Perhaps your workplace culture is just rubbish, and people are unhappy? I would maybe consider moving job if possible.

AnotherSadness · 08/05/2025 06:01

Are people really saying there are no cultural differences between countries in terms of social norms and practices?!

I mean, I wouldn’t want to live anywhere other than London and the UK, and love our humour etc, but I can see that different countries have different cultural norms. I am finding it strange that people are denying this in their defensiveness!

Tiswa · 08/05/2025 07:38

AnotherSadness · 08/05/2025 06:01

Are people really saying there are no cultural differences between countries in terms of social norms and practices?!

I mean, I wouldn’t want to live anywhere other than London and the UK, and love our humour etc, but I can see that different countries have different cultural norms. I am finding it strange that people are denying this in their defensiveness!

Yes I think there are cultural norms varying between countries through culture, workplaces and even departments within workplaces.

these are beliefs, values and a shared standard of acceptable behaviour.

what the OP is experiencing in her workplace isn’t based in country IMO and I suspect is more workplace culture instead. If she had come on and said she hated the culture of her office she would be right but she didn’t she extended it out to a whole country

KateDelRick · 08/05/2025 07:45

2 weeks?
1 person?
That's called stereotyping.

KateDelRick · 08/05/2025 07:46

I encountered some racist Italians. I doubt they're typical of their nation, though.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/05/2025 07:48

Seventell · 06/05/2025 16:21

I'm still struggling.

I was working on shift with a man and a woman today. Myself and the woman were doing a task together.

I smiled when i saw her
. I said to her "hiya how was your week, did you have a nice bank holiday yesterday" she said one word..."yeah".

We were ten mins early for our shift, so I said to her "Im going to the tea room to make tea, would you like a cup of tea"?
She said one word "no".

I came out. We went into the room. I'm pretty new in the job so she was showing me how to do somehthing.

She said "this is what we are doing, take notes. "Then she just said a load of work tasks at me. Now the work part is fine . We are there to work, but she never said one non work related thing to me. She never asked me how my week was, was i doing anything at the weekened, anything. She didnt Even say anything about the weather. It was like talking to a robot.
There's no chat even on breaks. Its so serious.
I tried to ask her a few questions about her life, but I just got one word answers.

Some people are just so cold here, and i feel very sad here.

I guess if i'm this miserable here , i should probably leave. Maybe in a few months

Edited

Ah well. Now that you’ve given us irrefutable proof that all English people are cold and unfriendly, I believe you. 🙄

DiligentFlautist · 08/05/2025 07:49

KateDelRick · 08/05/2025 07:45

2 weeks?
1 person?
That's called stereotyping.

Exactly. The OP is essentially a tourist coming up with a stereotype based on interactions with hotel reception staff and a tour leader.

Chiseltip · 08/05/2025 08:03

Seventell · 03/05/2025 08:35

Im English myself. But i havent lived In England for a long time.

Ive had a nice career and ive lived and worked all over Europe. I most recently, was living in Italy.

My female boss in italy was so nice.

The first day that i was there, she asked me what i liked to do, i said that i liked to go to art classes. She told me about all the art museums in the area.

She looked up art classes for me to go to.
She also used to bring in little cakes for me every day. She said things like "if you ever need help with anything, ask me" my other colleagues were all really nice to me aswell. They would invite me out for dinners, and they were all so kind.

Ive just moved back to England two weeks ago. Im just shocked! My boss here is so cold. But not just cold. He seems really emotionally stunted, like he is barely able to have a conversation.
My other colleagues are like that aswell. They are really cold.
Ive also gone out to groups and ive seen that english people are much colder in these groups, then people are in other countries that ive lived in

Its just made me think - what has happened to english people. A lot of them seem so emotionally stunted and emotionally damaged.

You boss here the UK is working to standard operating procedure. Which is (unless you want to be accused of sexual harassment) no interaction with the opposite sex unless strictly necessary.

As you said, you haven't worked here for a number of years. You won't be familiar with the culture of near abject hate that exists between men and women, well, mostly women towards men. I wish I was being overly dramatic or provocative, but unfortunately I'm not.

Men can lose their careers for just saying good morning to a female colleague. I've never understood it myself. But there's no chance a male boss in the UK will ever ask a female colleague (let alone his own staff) anything that isn't work related. Even holding a door open can be considered harassment. Work Place culture in the UK is utterly toxic now.

Even travelling to work events with colleagues of the opposite sex is discouraged.

My SMY say that they are legally obliged to do everything within reason to prevent sexual harassment and that they are liable if an allegation is made.

Not sure about the EU. But that appears to be the case here in the UK.