Why are so many English people so cold and reserved?

[Seventell]

Im English myself. But i havent lived In England for a long time.

Ive had a nice career and ive lived and worked all over Europe. I most recently, was living in Italy.

My female boss in italy was so nice.

The first day that i was there, she asked me what i liked to do, i said that i liked to go to art classes. She told me about all the art museums in the area.

She looked up art classes for me to go to.
She also used to bring in little cakes for me every day. She said things like "if you ever need help with anything, ask me" my other colleagues were all really nice to me aswell. They would invite me out for dinners, and they were all so kind.

Ive just moved back to England two weeks ago. Im just shocked! My boss here is so cold. But not just cold. He seems really emotionally stunted, like he is barely able to have a conversation.
My other colleagues are like that aswell. They are really cold.
Ive also gone out to groups and ive seen that english people are much colder in these groups, then people are in other countries that ive lived in

Its just made me think - what has happened to english people. A lot of them seem so emotionally stunted and emotionally damaged.

Those are all quite English values (and a very English value judgement too).

Can you see how people prioritising these values in their interactions with people from other places might come across as cold or reserved, or both?

You said every day though. Was it really every day? Of course people bake and bring stuff into work, Jacob’s join at Christmas but every day ?

Yes, I agree with you.
However, at the same time, I don't think it would be hugely unusual for an English colleague to suggest art galleries you might like or to bring in cakes. I've seen some comments where people mention OP's Italian boss and say "Oh but that's unusual" not to me it's not. Not at all.
I'm very English in that I'm reserved (and also shy) but I've always built up very meaningful relationships with my colleagues and managers. Here are some recent examples.
Current English manager:

1. my current manager knows I love tea and often brings in unusual teas he thinks I might like to try.
2. he brings us all posh biscuits and cakes on a weekly basis. We've had to ask him to stop as it was too much!
3. he often suggests places we might like to visit nearby
4. he buys us Christmas, birthday and Easter presents
5. he invited is to his wedding
6. he takes a real Interest in everything we say. He often refers to things I mentioned in passing a couple of years ago (not work related things). I'm amazed he remembers these small things. He asks a lot about our lives (not in an intrusive way) and tells us about his life.
7. when he goes on holiday he brings us treats from that country.

My previous English manager:

1. he also took an interest in my life and told me a lot about his family. I got to know his wife and grandchildren
2. if ever he went somewhere interesting he'd bring me back a leaflet about it, in case I wanted to go.
3. I was his PA and he bought me beautiful gifts for Christmas including a lovely vase and a painting.
4. he knew I like to read so when he finished a book he'd bring it in for me to borrow.
5. he left our organisation a couple of years ago but phones me every 6 months or so just to see how I'm doing, how my family are and let me know his news. This is because we'd developed such a good relationship that didn't end the second I stopped working for him.

I see OP has only been in her job 2 weeks, so just ten days with colleagues. I'd advise OP to give it time. Continue to be warm and chatty and I'm sure OP will also develop close and meaningful relationships with colleagues. Having lived in Spain and other countries, I actually feel its easier to get closer to English people, once you've got past the reserve!

@Seventell it's interesting that you say you are English as from the sounds of it you have had very little exposure to Englishness. My eldest 2dd were born in another European country, their df is from that country and I am English. We came back to England when they were 5 and 7. They technically have dual nationality but consider themselves English and would not go back to the country they were born and say they were a native of that country. Both my sons in law have one English parent and one foreign parent. The one whose dm is English clearly identifies as that whereas the one whose mother is not English has more of that culture but tempered by a public school education.

I, by the way, am very friendly to everyone at work and always help new starters. This doesn't mean I invite them home for dinner!

It could be about temperature. I am watching a programme set in Finland at the moment and it is a very welcome change to see people portrayed who are like I am in terms of being similarly a bit more reserved, private, stoic. I think in the wet of the UK and cold of Scandinavia people bunker down alone (the Finnish thing has a lot about drinking too - something with which the Scandi countries wrestle) whereas in Italy or Spain you can be out on the streets walking up and down sea fronts in nice clothes kissing everyone on both cheeks in the wonderful sunshine.

I am not saying which culture is better but that the UK culture works well in the UK so I hope we can keep it.

That’s a boss problem, not an Englishman problem. Nowadays most English people are warm, friendly or at least helpful.

I’m sorry but you are basing a whole nation on a few people! I hate when people say we are cold and reserved!! No we are NOT! We are some of the friendliest people out there. You’re hanging out with the wrong people. Certainly not emotionally closed. I can talk to my colleagues- a school about anything , my mental health being one for example

Being reserved and taking your time to know people doesn’t equal cold. It equals reserved.

some of the coldest people I have met - and I mean real froideur, don’t have time of day for you - were the Italian mums at my daughter’s school. All bubbly and lively in those initial social moments but absolutely no interest in actually deepening the relationship, very surface, and clung to one another. I’ve come to realise Italians do this very well - the show, the drama, the charm, but it belies where they really want the relationship to go. Often they’re just about very close family

Why are English people so cold and reserved?
Why are Germans so humourless?
Why are Italians so dramatic and over emotive ?
Why are Eastern Europeans so rude?
Why are North Americans so superficial?
Why are all Australians so self congratulatory?

What a load of bull shit stereotyping OP. There’s good and bad the world over but if you’re not brought up in a culture then there’s a bloody good chance you don’t understand it or will fit in without trying to integrate and understand it and you can’t do that in a week.

You literally said English people are emotionally stunted

This post is so strange if it was about any other culture or race people would be kicking off screaming racism but as it's about England it's apparently fine

If you dislike this country so much go somewhere "nicer"

I wish some northerners wouldn’t say this. It’s a horrible stereotype of southern Englanders and it’s frankly not true. I’m from the midlands and I see no difference, just some people wanting to come across somehow “ superior in being welcoming” as if it’s a competition by doing down southerners. I see it as a bit of a chip on the shoulder type thing and it’s a real shame

Sorry, but I'm a southerner who now lives up north in Yorkshire and I've noticed a real difference. Strangers are more likely to chat to me in the street here. If I get on a bus here, it's not unusual for people to chat to each other. I never saw that down south.
Of course many southerners are outgoing and friendly and many northerners are unfriendly. I'm just saying I've noticed a difference in general. My DH is foreign and also noticed the difference. My southern friends who come and visit always comment on it too "Oh aren't people friendly up here?"
Having spent time in Newcastle and Liverpool, I'd say they're even friendlier than Yorkshire people!

I think I need to get hired at your workplace then! 😂 I find work colleagues way too talkative, touchy, and intrusive, but then I work in healthcare so it seems to attract more of that personality type.

I do agree though that when I’m in south France/ Italy that people are more friendly than here. And for some reason I find it less annoying.

It’s crazy saying British people as Glaswegians are known to be the friendliest people, I’m not English but I’ve been to northern England and the people were warm and friendly. Had a different experience in London though

That’s upper class posh British people, most working class would not be described as that

People sense those who are a bit needy and need their hands held a lot. They think those people will latch on to them and want to visit them at home and not leave.

But I've found places like London for example incredibly unfriendly in general. North it's better.

Try getting the cakes in for your colleagues if you want to get to know them better.

@gamerchick and others. Give over on the casual bigotry against London and Londoners. We are bloody brilliant, friendly and helpful. Coz I sez so!

The ‘south’ doesn’t stop at London.

It seems a little ridiculous to assume everyone in England is cold etc based on your interactions with a few people.

To challenge your view I work in a warm team of lovely people with an incredibly supportive manager. We laugh and joke at work, bring one another gifts/food. We hug, we socialise together.

I have a small social circle outside of work but I surround myself with positive, like minded people who bring joy to my life and fill up my cup. I hope that I do the same for them.

Maybe you just need to find a different group of people.

😂😂😂🙌🏼

Your Italian boss sounds terribly intrusive.

So you're not English. Hence your ridiculous post. FFS

Northern and southern Europeans express themselves in totally different ways. The former is traditionally more reserved while the latter is notoriously more demonstrative. Neither is right and neither is wrong. They are built on centuries of different histories, religious factors, cultural traditions and probably of greatest relevance - climate. There are people from both cultures capable of great kindness and people from both cultures who would walk over you at time of crisis. The further North you go, the more reserved the population. Have you ever visited Norway OP? If you think the English are stunted and damaged then you'd probably need medication to live there.

Very good post. It does seem to be a north/south thing and Beits certainly aren't reserved compared to some other northern Europeans (or even nationalities like the Japanese).
Neither is better. Being reserved doesn't make you cold. There are good and bad people from all countries.