Why are so many English people so cold and reserved?

[Seventell]

Im English myself. But i havent lived In England for a long time.

Ive had a nice career and ive lived and worked all over Europe. I most recently, was living in Italy.

My female boss in italy was so nice.

The first day that i was there, she asked me what i liked to do, i said that i liked to go to art classes. She told me about all the art museums in the area.

She looked up art classes for me to go to.
She also used to bring in little cakes for me every day. She said things like "if you ever need help with anything, ask me" my other colleagues were all really nice to me aswell. They would invite me out for dinners, and they were all so kind.

Ive just moved back to England two weeks ago. Im just shocked! My boss here is so cold. But not just cold. He seems really emotionally stunted, like he is barely able to have a conversation.
My other colleagues are like that aswell. They are really cold.
Ive also gone out to groups and ive seen that english people are much colder in these groups, then people are in other countries that ive lived in

Its just made me think - what has happened to english people. A lot of them seem so emotionally stunted and emotionally damaged.

You've seriously never heard of the famous 'stiff upper lip'? It's quite literally one of the most prominent traits associated with the British.

As to the impression of Brits at European resorts - yes, British people letting their hair down as a result of holiday giddiness or too much to drink is definitely a thing.

It's not evidence of general friendliness or lack of reserve though. Its veering from one unhealthy extreme to another. Reliance on alcohol to break the ice isnt a sign of emotional health on a personal or wider level..

Yeah ill definitely give it time.

I started this thread looking at a negative. As we often come on to mumsnet when we want to conplain about something.

but i want to write what i think is positive about the UK too.

The UK has beautiful nature.
It has great careers. Im in an interesting job that i like, and Im grateful for that. There is a lot to do in the UK. Its pretty safe. There's a huge variety of shops, everything is well connected and there is very good public transport.

Oh you don't think so?

Well fortunately its all there in black and white, page after page of countless posters running rings round you as you had no credible argument whatsoever and were incapable of any genuine debate and refused to answers questions put to you. People are free to check it out themselves to see how idiotic your position became.

So much so that you even made twitter.

I won't respond again. We are always told not to feed certain types.

Maybe best for you then if you head back there … sounds like you would be a lot happier.
When talking to your new colleagues do you keep telling them how great Italy by any chance?? 🤣🙄

I don’t think bosses like that are the norm in any country, she was an exception I would say

What type of job are you working in? To be honest, my work (healthcare) has been extremely stressful the last couple of weeks, we’ve been short staffed, big waiting lists and hitting annual leave for school holidays. The new starters must have been feeling like you as we have had hardly any time to train them, even chat to them. But I promise we are a very friendly team. My boss is quiet and reserved, but so caring and empathetic.

I think maybe you have returned to the uk at a difficult time, lots of people feeling the strain in lots of ways. Give it a chance. Sorry you’re struggling and that you haven’t had the kindest response on here.

Sounds interesting!

Plus she was female … if her male boss starts doing that probably get accused of harassment!

You see this sounds very odd to me. British people always talk about their weekends and lives in general, with work colleague. Every Friday in my team we all ask colleagues what their weekend plans are. Every Monday we ask each other "How was your weekend?". We talk about everything- what we're having for dinner, what we're watching on TV, stuff our kids and partners are doing. My colleagues and I generally chat easily all day long.
It just doesn't make sense to me that your British colleague would be shocked that ask asked about her weekend! That's the most common question to be asked by a colleague in a British workplace!!!
I think maybe you just have very strange colleagues or there's something about the way you're asking questions that's making people react in an odd way.
Every single thing you're saying about your interactions with English people sounds strange to me. None of it sounds familiar and I've worked in the UK for 30 years.

It was and disturbing too.

That is until several posters pointed it out that due to such strange responses by the poster in question they were likely a bot. I had never even considered that tbh but I won't make that mistake again!

It’s quite common now on MN for posters who don’t like / agree with someone else’s comment to accuse them of being bots

No acceptance that someone else might have a different point of view

I saw you upthread making some nasty accusatory comments so the veil has definitely slipped 😂😂

Well in my experience, born and lived in England all 52 years, it’s just hit a miss. Some people are incredibly warm and friendly to everyone with others there’s a definite play of unconscious bias going on where I’ve felt horribly excluded. It’s not right to say ‘all English people’ though. I think the contrast is greater for you right now because of the other maybe more open interactions you’ve had are so fresh in your mind. Remember we are an island with generally bad weather to boot - so acclimatising back to us may take a while! 😅

When people make massive generalisations about other people, it can often be about they themselves. I’m English, I live and work in London, most people I meet are friendly. My work colleagues are lovely. I live in a friendly community. Maybe it’s you OP.

You say that English people are known to be reserved. Maybe we are until we get to know people - we don’t throw ourselves at them. That would be weird. English people are also known for being very creative and having a fantastic sense of humour too. There’s lots of good things about the English. Look for those things instead.

It’s ironic that a thread about the cold and
reserved English. has turned mostly in a slanging match, with OP, initially reaching out to find warm and open people on these fair Isles is throwing some serious punches!

Said lightheartedly!

Of course I've heard of stiff upper lip but I think that's dying out more and more. Anyway I honestly didnt realise the English were seen as introverted by other European nations.

This type of comment has been made several times on this thread. Where I live people generally do get involved with those they work with and often socialise outside of work.

I also wonder how many of those falling over themselves to tell OP how friendly the English are would turn out to be the same posters who won't open their door to anyone who hasn't made an appointment, has a conniption fit if a stranger speaks to them, wants nothing to do with their neighbours etc. - all signs of a not particularly friendly nation in my opinion.

You've only been there ten days, give them some time - if nothing else, it's horrible to dump a new person with all manner of other demands when they're trying to get their head around a new job.

Maybe you'd feel better if you tried taking them cake? Not everybody would want or be able to eat it, so do something that it's not a problem to take back home if there are a lot of leftovers - but make sure you take the IT department some, as they are the #1 people to get on side.

Are you joking? The UK is one of the most diverse countries in the world. In fact, spend any amount of time in Central London and you're unlikely to come across many born and bred Londoners at all.

I think it's very variable. I've been taken out for lunch on my first day, completely ignored and not spoken to the entire day, sat down at a table in the canteen to have a new colleague physically move away from me as though I had the plague.Three different work places, very different experiences. We are not a warm nation on the whole. But then we don't fake it either.

Agree.

The defensive huffing on this thread is a case of ladies who doth protest too much, methinks.

I was one of the people who defended the English and I am not English by birth. I am from a loud, extroverted country where you invite people to dinner the day you meet them and always open your front door, even if it's a serial killer.🙂

Different countries have different ways of showing warmth though. Not everyone needs to be like me.

😂

Because of respecting other people's privacy and boundaries and politeness that includes seeing others as competent. So no need to research art places and give someone a list. Just rude and overbearing.

I think you’re in reverse culture shock but you are also ‘right’ in that in parts of England people can be very reserved. And passive aggression is very common in these areas as for some reason people just cannot bring themselves to say directly what they are clearly longing to. I moved back from another very different culture not so long ago and am struggling with the same things, finding the reserve and lack of directness confusing and tiresome at times. The worst ones are couples who decide you are behaving terribly so tut and make pointed remarks to each other without actually telling you what you’re doing wrong. So many examples - going past them on the pavement when they’re walking very slowly; reaching an inch around them to grab a run off a supermarket shelf after they block the entire section and stand there discussing each item for 10 minutes; my son being startled when their dog barks suddenly next to me (automatic reaction after being nearly attacked by street dogs where we used to live) etc etc.
I’m focusing on the many positives there are for us living in the UK but at times people like this have made me just come home and have a good cry.

Yes. But also a case maybe of them and the OP genuinely having different ideas about what friendliness is and how it should be expressed.