Why are so many English people so cold and reserved?

[Seventell]

Im English myself. But i havent lived In England for a long time.

Ive had a nice career and ive lived and worked all over Europe. I most recently, was living in Italy.

My female boss in italy was so nice.

The first day that i was there, she asked me what i liked to do, i said that i liked to go to art classes. She told me about all the art museums in the area.

She looked up art classes for me to go to.
She also used to bring in little cakes for me every day. She said things like "if you ever need help with anything, ask me" my other colleagues were all really nice to me aswell. They would invite me out for dinners, and they were all so kind.

Ive just moved back to England two weeks ago. Im just shocked! My boss here is so cold. But not just cold. He seems really emotionally stunted, like he is barely able to have a conversation.
My other colleagues are like that aswell. They are really cold.
Ive also gone out to groups and ive seen that english people are much colder in these groups, then people are in other countries that ive lived in

Its just made me think - what has happened to english people. A lot of them seem so emotionally stunted and emotionally damaged.

No a lot of italians are foodies. Its very normal over there.

My other colleague in italy invited me to big dinners at his home. I also invited them round and made them dinners in my house there. It was lovely.

Why would buying people cakes be weird? She didnt just buy me and everyone in the office small cakes. She used to make us cakes. Her boyfriend also sometimes made us cakes as he was from a different region of italy and he wanted to show me his local recipes

Do you struggle to read a post?

I wrote that it was a coffee and meditation meetup. It was meditation for the first forty minutes.

Then we all went into another little room for coffee afterwards. It was during th3 coffee section, that i spoke to people

Are you in London?

Again, (ive already written this ) it wasnt just a meditation class. It was a meditation class and then coffee morning afterwards. There is an hour after the meditation part that is scheduled for socialising and coffee. A lot of people, about 50 -70 people were there. And the description on the website was "come along and meet new people".

Its a large place. I tried to talk to several different english people at the coffee part of the meetup. They were pretty unfriendly . They just seemed to not know how to make any kind of conversation. As people have said on here, it takes longer for english people to warm up to people.

Then a venezuelan lady came over and was chatting to me at the coffee table and she was really nice and friendly.

I think it just takes English people longer to open up to strangers

No but im down south

Who feels like socializing after nearly an hour of (hopefully) silent meditation? And coffee? Like relax in silence then crank up?

That's a weirdass combo.

I dont think its weird. Why is everything on mumsnet seen as weird?

Ive been to meditation classes in lots of different places, and they usually offer tes and coffee afterwards. Its a social thing aswell.

You dont just come in meditate and leave. The meditation community has a community social side to it too.

I’m not English but lived and worked ( professionally) in London for 15 yrs, most of my friends were non English (European) as I found a lot of the English very hard work and I just really couldn’t be bothered, this was London though so it’s known for not being a very friendly place

I think there are a few things here. You have obviously had a difficult start to your time here, and I'm sorry about that. It is really hard when you feel you don't connect with people.
I do think your writing style here comse across as quite judgmental and antagonistic at times. I don't mean that in a mean way, it's just an observation - the written word is always open to misinterpretation by others as there is no facial expression or tone of voice to go by. This would explain why some people here have reacted to you in an unfriendly way, and you have reacted in turn. Also, I think maybe your interpretation of some words is different from how others would interpret them - 'cruel', for example - when you called one of the posters cruel, I hadn't read anything cruel in their post - it wasn't particularly friendly, but I wouldn't have described it as cruel. So you may feel attacked here, which might in turn affect the tone of your writing, which affects how people respond to you.
About English people being cold and reserved, it certainly is a stereotype that they are reserved, and I have also heard 'unfriendly'. Before I moved to England (only from Wales), someone - interestingly she's originally from England, but has lived in Wales for a long time - told me I would have to be prepared for how unfriendly they were. But it just wasn't my experience at all. Reserved, yes, maybe, but also, it's just a different culture. I have to say that when I joined my new job there, some colleagues were leaving and gave a speech and they all praised the people they worked with and talked about how amazing they were. I had been there several weeks and just couldn't see what they were talking about - I didn't feel at home there, I didn't feel particularly welcome - they would all have a nice time all together, but I didn't feel part of it. However, fast forward four years, I was saying the same thing when I left. It just took time. I'm shy, which didn't help, I'm sure, and there was one girl who definitely didn't warm to me, but I would say that after a few months there, my initial thoughts changed. It just took time for people to warm up, figure me out, etc. The church we belonged to couldn't have been friendlier (although there was another church in the same town where not a single person talked to us when we visited). There is definitely a different culture. My husband used to pop in at people's houses, as is usual in Wales, where you would be welcomed in and get a cup of tea and a good chat, but there, they would keep him on the doorstep. It wasn't unfriendliness, just a different culture.
You can be unlucky though - I have joined a choir near London and it is so friendly. My friend joined one near Oxford and no one spoke to her at all.
Basically, you mustn't generalise. You might settle in at your new job, or you might not, but it isn't necessarily an 'English' thing - there are friendly and less friendly people everywhere.
I do hope things get better and you feel less lonely soon.

God, I hate this assumption that because Brits don't go round hugging & kissing people and waving their arms, they don't care. It's so emotionally illiterate.

I was once called 'cold & aloof' by a former American boss. What he meant was I didn't fawn over him like his American employees. I did the job I was paid to do to the best of my ability.

I am neither cold nor unfeeling. I worked as a volunteer for a search and rescue team for 8 years, going out in all weathers to find people's missing loved ones. Sometimes for days on end in the cold and wet. If it was sadly a recovery rather than a rescue, I did that too to give families closure. I just didn't feel the need to make a fuss about it.

More recently, diagnosed with BC, I didn't take the six months sick leave my consultant offered to sign off. I was working for a small company where I was the only person who could do what I do and they needed me. 30 people's mortgages depended on the company staying in business so I took one day off per round of chemo, and a morning for each radiotherapy appointment. I didn't stay at my post because it was fun, I was flippin' exhausted. I stayed because I cared about my colleagues' job security - and my own.

My current boss, my friends and my family know I have their back. My dc knows I love the very bones of him. Anyone who can't work it out need their eyes tested IMHO. 🙄

Come up north. Colder weather but warmer people ❤️

And, incidentally, I made a huge Victoria sponge cake with fresh cream for my colleagues on Coronation Day, yet I am quite sure OP, if you met me, you would write me off as cold and unfriendly. You would be wrong.

I guess people have a lot on with their own lives, families, job & problems of their own. When you have lovely kind colleagues like your ones in Spain if of stayed. Obviously that’s not an option so maybe you could be the one to reach out and be kind and caring and considerate instead of expecting it to come to you. Have you made some nice little cakes for your colleagues? Treat people how you wish to be treated and all that!

All English are not like that just like not all Italians are that nice either. We’ve just come back from Rome and I’ve never met such rude unfriendly people

I’ve worked for many teams in my company over the years and have experienced many different environments, but mostly friendly and welcoming. You really can’t make a sweeping generalisation about a country based on a couple of experiences. Maybe you’ve been unlucky. Maybe your new colleagues think you’re a bit up yourself and comparing everything to other companies abroad you’ve worked in all the time, or maybe they just don’t like you…..

I probably come across a bit reserved if a new colleague came in. I am courteous of course but I don’t rush to be friends with everyone. I am a busy, tired middle aged mum with friends I have known since I was 3 and a big family. It isn’t personal!

I'm European and live in the UK and I don't agree with you at all- I've made the most amazing friends here and I find the English generally welcoming and polite.

I don’t think what you said is true at all. I also live in Spain and am from England originally and my DP is Spanish. He can’t believe how warm and friendly people are in shops etc when we go back to the uk. People are much more abrupt in Spain and the service level can’t even be compared to the uk. Spanish people are more animated, direct and talkative in general than people from the UK, but I don’t see this as warmth necessarily. It’s just how they are. English people can more reserved and polite in comparison, but again, this isn’t coldness, just cultural differences. Also in both countries there are vast swathes of people who don’t fit the stereotypes I’ve just described. I definitely think it’s a you thing to find English people cold on the whole. I actually find the opposite.

Yes English people are generally more reserved, especially in the south. But you didn't just say reserved you said 'emotionally stunted' (which is quite a leap,) and even cruel, which is ridiculous. Being reserved or introverted doesn't mean the same as cruel! I expect you're trying to find people up on purpose. Amd where do you live in England, why won't you answer?

Oh I've just seen your down south. Iv only liver in the north and heard the south are more reserved. It still doesn't mean they're emotionally stunted or cruel though. Very strange choice of words there.

Oh please … if it’s so terrible, go back to Italy 🙄

Are you a driver, OP? I am always relieved to come home to the UK where drivers are largely polite and considerate, unlike the entire southern half of Europe!

And I say this as someone with dual nationality, married to someone else with dual nationality who has lived on 3 continents. I very much agree with PP regarding the difference between superficial level friendliness which never goes deeper but makes you feel welcome (very much the case in one European county i lived in - I have NO longterm friends dating from my time there), compared with British reserve hiding a slow burn deep care.

Of course I'm generalising too, there are nice people everywhere and arseholes everywhere. You need to find your tribe, but writing Brits off as emotionally stunted won't get you there. It is true that the further you are from London the more openly friendly people generally are in the UK, so you may be in a trickier place. But it is also true that people don't always want to make an effort with someone who is clearly 'passing through' and not planning to make a life there. If you are giving off these vibes, it might not help.

The best way to meet friendly open people is to volunteer for a community based activity.

OP, you sound argumentative, rude and quite frankly, unpleasant. No wonder you are getting the cold shoulder 🤷🏻‍♀️

As you feel happy to judge my character. Ill also judge yours

. You also sound rude, argumentative and unpleasant. You also sound snappy brash and definitely someone that I wouldn't ever want to be anywhere near.

I have been in the North of Enlgand before just to visit , and people were definitely a bit friendlier up there

Down south - its definitely more of a slow thing , getting to know people. Hopefully itll improve!