To think that women who fall for romance scammers are idiots?

[YourAmplePlumPoster]

Are women who fall for romance scammers idiots?

There was a great Gary Barlow one recently as well.

"He used posh words like 'I'm in a meeting'" 😭😭😭

No it’s not just women. Men fall for them too.

@YourAmplePlumPoster I am on Instagram where if you post on a favourite fan page of star you like, there will be a deluge of so-called stars with a variation on the name like johnnydepp123 following you and pretending to be Johnny Depp.

Yeah I know that this does happen and people do need to employ some critical thinking and work out what the chances of Johnny Depp deciding to be BFFs with some random fan really is.

My auntie is a massive royalist and was delighted to get a Facebook friend follow from the Prince of Wales, complete with profile photo lifted straight from the internet. She kept telling me about the messages they were exchanging and how lovely and polite he was and dismissing my scam warnings and observations that maybe the second in line might have other things to be doing than befriending randoms on FB (to be fair she's 80 and a long way off tech savvy) until he asked her for a loan and luckily she realised the truth and blocked him.

No more so than men who do.
And often they're just very vulnerable, hopeful, see the good in people, maybe a bit naive, in need of someone who seems like they care and are listening to their feelings...

I'd like to think it wouldn't happen to me. But I've been ripped off financially and horribly abused by many men. And they weren't even pretending to be a successful charmer. So maybe that makes me an idiot?!

Likely they are lonely and vulnerable. Most people who have fallen prey to these types of scams then feel intense shame. Don't think these types of thread or some of the more judgy comments would make them feel any better.

I totally agree with this - I used to watch the catfish ones on YouTube and I would see that photos of oil rigger/army major/Dr Chad/Brad/Chuck very groomed and fit. They'd be yoga posing in a tight white vest and I wasn't shocked at all when they turned out to be the stolen photographs of a middle aged lifestyle influencer in a same sex relationship.

Hi OP,

I tried to watch the video you posted but it was too gross. I stopped at the first holiday 'romance' - anyone who is chasing sexual partners young enough to be their children or grandchildren is vile to me no matter their sex, and more so in a situation of power imbalance. They are using them for their bodies, just as much as these scammers are using them for money / passports.

No one is immune to being scammed—it can happen to anyone at any point in life. In truth, we all experience some form of deception throughout our lives, whether we're aware of it or not. Trust is a necessary part of surviving and functioning in the world, which means we'll inevitably encounter both honest and dishonest people—including ourselves. Sometimes, we're not just the ones being misled—we're also the ones doing the misleading.

So why label someone an idiot for being duped?

Mumsnet is full of people who say they were "scammed" or deceived—but often, they knew what kind of person they were dealing with from the start. And in many cases, they're not entirely innocent either—a lot of them have played the role of the "scammer" at some point too.

As are men.

And no, it’s not about being vulnerable. It’s about wilful ignorance and blindness.

Most men and women of a certain age, no longer at their best in terms of looks, body size etc, would be wary if a 20 something year old with amazing sounding career and supposedly tons of money started to proclaim their undying love for them. I mean, come on.

People need tough love and need to be told. No, they are not interested in you. Why would they be. Thats not being nasty. It’s the truth. Unfortunately, babying people is now the don’t thing, you can’t tell the truth unless it might upset them.

I know someone who fell for one, paid out over 5k. She isn’t stupid, just vulnerable.

They weren't online though pretending to be on peace keeping missions. You'd have smelled a rat then.

The sad thing is that the scams are deliberately designed to be unconvincing to most people, so as to filter us out at the initial stage. So we’re bound to feel “superior”.

And yet on here there have been a couple of threads where an OP has received messages from some tour operator, and another one from a taxi driver they met years ago in some foreign country who has told them their sob story and said theyre The only one they can turn to, so not romance per se but definitely scam, and posters have been saying that “isn’t it lovely that he remembers you after all this time; he may have nowhere else to turn to; think about what will happen if you say no,” and the worst “I would rather be scammed than think that someone was genuinely in trouble and I could have helped them and didn’t.”

Yeah, because some taxi driver from 5 years ago is going to think “I’m having such a hard time, I chatted to this person five years ago, and despite all my friends and family,, she’s the only one I feel I can turn to.” Give over.

And anyone piling on the guilt to an OP who has questioned this is a bloody idiot and I would go so far as to say probably capable of scamming in their own right.

People need tough love and need to be told. No, they are not interested in you. Why would they be. Thats not being nasty. It’s the truth. Unfortunately, babying people is now the don’t thing, you can’t tell the truth unless it might upset them.

Someone very close to me was scammed. He was a real person, lived abroad and travelled to see her - paid for by her - over a number of years. He acted like they were in a relationship, she paid for him to travel with her everywhere all while he doing the same thing with other women in different places. She was highly intelligent, very senior in a very difficult job and she was really attractive - she had also focussed on her career to the exclusion of just about everything else and wanted a relationship. He came along, incredibly good looking, similar age to her, saying all the right things but the signs were there.

I knew him from a different social circle, and knew he didn’t want a relationship with anyone, he wanted someone to fund his lifestyle, which she did, because they were in a ‘relationship’. One where he lived elsewhere for 9 months of the year and saw her when she either travelled to him or paid for him to come to her.

No matter what I said, or how honest I was with her about what I knew of him she absolutely wouldn’t hear it, because he presented a completely different side of himself to her and I just ‘didn’t understand modern dating’. In the end he took 5 years of her life and tens of thousands of pounds before she realised he wanted her money, and the opportunities that brought. I lost her in my life too I think because she felt ashamed and embarrassed when the inevitable happened.

She was fair from stupid, but she was naive in relationship terms and desperately wanted to be with someone. No amount of honesty would have made her see what was going on. Love genuinely can be blind.

So, assuming that you're correct and romance scam victims are "idiots", does that make it ok for them to be scammed?

Not everyone in the world has the same level of intelligence, education or self-awareness. It doesn't make the scam any less awful.

Everyone deserves to be protected from scammers, especially those who can't protect themselves.

I agree and it’s so hard to understand how it happens, but I don’t judge anyone. I think we are all capable of being idiots.

I agree with this.

I meant to say also if you haven’t seen Ito ‘Thelma’ on Netflix is BRILLIANT, so so funny and definitely worth watching. It’s a film about an old lady getting scammed it’s short and sweet. I loved it .

I think it’s so hard to understand it when you don’t give a penny to anyone else. it’s not like they are mentally unstable and are going around giving money to everyone.
Why would you give thousands to someone you don’t even know?
I wouldn’t even hand money over to family like that, and the amounts are so huge. It’s all very hard to understand alright.

@jellycatspyjamas how did your friend come to meet this guy?

He was speaking at an online event she attended, messaged her afterwards to ask about a project she was involved with and went from there. When she and I were talking I about him, showing social media etc I realised I knew him as a friend of a friend.

Any kind of scammer is a total scumbag but come on……some of these women that fall for it are definitely idiots. We are getting stupider and stupider as a society because our society no longer values education, is not curious, is not interested in learning and more stupid people are having more stupid children than intelligent people are having intelligent children. In 20-30 years time the average IQ in this country will have dropped massively from what it is now.

Of course they are.

But they're obviously incredibly lonely and vulnerable people as well, so I won't judge.

I watch these shows and always think, how can intelligent people not see through it?

However, I'm an intelligent woman who lived in an abusive relationship until he broke my spine. At that point, I had the wake up call. I still believed I was at fault until I had distanced myself from him for enough time to get my inner self back. That's the best way to describe it - getting that voice of reason to speak over all other chattering in my brain, including my abusers.

I watch these shows now and see how the same thing occurs. The love bombing, the mirroring, the slow belief that this scammer is your saviour. The highs when THEY are happy feeling like the best drug. The fear and lows when you've displeased them wiping away any reason you may have. You do anything to keep them happy.

That's why a lot of people don't tell their loved ones what's going on, or don't listen when they're told. It's the shame, guilt and embarrassment that you've fallen for something not true. So you throw more energy and money trying to make it true.....it's not. It's a scam

If you see a scam being a form of abuse, you don't think they're stupid, any more than a victim survivor of abuse would be stupid. These scammers/abusers pick their targets well. They message 000s of people at any time and only 1 or 2 get hooked. Scammers are professional and tiered. The base scammers hook you in, the more senior team know how to siphon cash.
Romance scammers adapt their personality to be whatever your dream partner would be. They are fantastic actors and manipulators.

So no, I don't think they're idiots any more than I think I am an idiot. The difference is, I can say I'm a domestic abuse survivor and I'll get support and understanding. If you say you're a victim of a romance scam people judge you for being a fool.

It’s like that saying ‘a fool and their money are soon parted’ it seems totally understandable to get into a bad relationship or abusive relationship with an actual person but handing over money to a photograph seems absolutely incredible to me.

Especially when people are struggling for money and see how hard it is to accumulate money in a bank, and then just to give it away to someone you have never met.
It’s hard to understand.

I think the word ‘idiot’ got peoples backs up.

I do feel very sorry for someone after they were scammed because there is so little sympathy for it afterwards and so much shame involved.