Accused of racism by client

[stample]

I work and deal with clients daily, I spoke to a regular client being polite and civil, and they too were civil back only to get home and email my manager saying I had implied a racist remark towards them. My manager knows this was not the case and responded back. For reference I am white with black children and the client was black (they wouldn’t know anything about my personal life)
AIBU to mention this when I next see them, obviously apologise if they thought what I said was racist and then to say my family are black…

Your family has nothing to do with it.

Really? What a ridiculous thing to be accused of racism! Reminds me of an episode of curb your enthusiasm where Leon is too embarrassed to eat watermelon in front of Larry because of the stereotype

This person is looking to take offence.

I understand what you mean, but having black children is rather different to saying you’ve got black friends.

OP, unfortunately I don’t think there’s much to be gained by you mentioning it to the client. If they think you were racist they wouldn’t change their mind just because you deny it. However, I think it would be useful for you to know exactly what your manager said to the client. Did they do a wishy-washy "I’m sorry you felt you were being insulted but I’m sure Stample didn’t have any racist intentions", or did they say firmly that they know you are not a racist person and would never have said anything racist. If the former, I might be more tempted to defend myself by mentioning my family.

Is there a possibility of this client transferring to another worker, to pre-empt future problems with them? The relationship between the two of you is probably never going to be good now as they will always be suspicious and you will always be walking on eggshells.

I have struggled with reading comprehension as part of being neuro-different all my life; it’s really hurtful when people call me ‘stupid’ like you have done.

you are using a thread on racism to make make an ableist comment.

It's not ableist to suggest that maybe playing to your strengths would be better

It's because we have now successfully swapped the oppressed and the oppressor. (Neither should exist, but there we are ) So:

• white people must continually apologise for their forefathers actions
• white people must accept that everything is racist that a black person says is (even if it's obviously not)
• if you genuinely cannot see the racism in it - then you are uneducated and willfully ignorant towards 'microaggressions'
• if you counteract the person in any way or accuse them of being inflammatory you are "using the angry black woman " troupe.
• if you get in a relationship with a black man /woman you are "fetishizing black people "

-if you have black/mixed children you cannot possibly understand how black issues affect the world. You also cannot possibly have an opinion on black hair care, even though you're literally styling said hair daily and have probably done a lot of work educating yourself on how best to. -your "proximity to blackness" (ie literally having a mixed black family and black DH /DW and children that you've birthed, gives you no right to answer a question on anything to do with black lives and you're "centring yourself"

• if you claim you notice your friend is black - you're fetishizing and "othering" them.
• if you claim you don't see they're black, you just see them as "Paula" - you are denying their loved experience and met with an 🙄 "yeh, let me guess you don't see colour"
• you cannot "win" and that's the aim.
• I've seen white women absolutely pretzling themselves to try to be kind, informative, educate themselves and "listen" (as they're told to do on certain boards ) and they're met with sarcastic, hostile responses and told where to go.

If you challenge any of the above : "you're a racist" full stop.

Racism, as with other 'isms are all about intent.

thats not what you said, you suggested I shouldn’t use Mumsnet. Just because I struggle with reading comprehension doesn’t mean that I don’t grasp meaning of text, it just takes me longer.

It is not playing to my strengths, it is excluding someone based on a difference.

The linking of that particular phrase to slave ships, and also as a corruption of ‘Nigritique’ - the word used by French colonists to describe the black population are theoretical at best. There is no historical evidence to support either theory and the first use of the phrase nitty gritty didn’t appear until the 1940s.

The phrase has only ever been connected to the slave trade through urban legend and the current usage of the phrase to mean the essential details of a situation, doesn’t carry the same meaning or connotations as the alleged slave-trade reference. I think if we throw ‘racist’ around for the modern day usage of such phrases, we risk diminishing the meaning of the word.

True, and you can be racist if you are black, too

100%

What a disgusting, ableist comment. We’re discussing discrimination and prejudice here and you’re guilty of both.

Explain how it's ableist?

I can't play the piano, so I don't perform in a concert

Yes it is. It’s exclusionary, and discriminatory on the grounds of a protected characteristic. Maybe engaging with a thread discussing prejudice and discrimination isn’t playing to your own strengths if you don’t understand the different forms they can take.

Yes it is. And an absolutely horrible thing to say.

Is it genuinely your opinion that forums involving written communication should be out of bounds for anybody who struggles with any aspect of comprehension (disability/lack of prior education/mental health impact ability to focus/English not their first language....)? What an extraordinarily elitist concept!

And how would you judge the level of comprehension needed to be aloud to participate in th debate? Potential Mumsnet members need to take a test before they are allowed to register?

I am dyslexic. The form of dyslexia I have impacts certain aspects of my comprehension - my processing speed for example is very very slow (think bottom 5% of the population). On the other hand I am blessed with compensatory strengths, such as extremely good verbal reasoning. My strengths helped me to be academically successful after a shaky start (kept back a year in primary school etc) and I eventually read English at Oxford. Would I meet your criteria for participation in this forum? Or should I, too, fuck off and do something apparently more suited to my capabilities, in your eyes?

This happened to a Dr my MIL used to work with at a GP clinic. Sometimes unfortunately due to constant, daily racism against them, some people can become really sensitive to innocent remarks. I feel like that with sexism, I feel ground down a lot over the years but a flippant remark from a man doesn't necessarily mean he's being sexist. Sometimes it does, but when it's constant drip drip drip I get why things like this are sensitive for people impacted. I just wish racism, sexism etc just didn't exist but unfortunately it does.

Anyway, with the Dr, he was treating the mother's child at the clinic. My MIL was the nurse at the time. Being Scottish and living in Scotland, toddlers here get called cheeky monkeys constantly, regardless of skin colour. The mother and her son had recently arrived from a different country and when the toddler son started acting up (not in a bad way though according to my MIL, just typical silly toddler nonsense) the Dr laughed and said oh who's a cheeky wee monkey eh?!

The mother freaked out and stormed out the surgery. About a week later she came back in to say sorry as she'd spoken to acquaintances who were Scottish and all reassured her it's just what everyone says to wee kids up here. She'd also overheard others saying it to their kids at a soft play and realised it wasn't meant the way she'd assumed. I can understand her sensitivity though, and both MIL and Dr reassured her it was nothing when she came back in. It's sad that actual racist dickheads have meant people are on edge in day to day situations. The elderly white Dr had had a stressful week before she came back in to sort it out as he'd been worrying he'd caused something bad and really upset her. My MIL said he was always the nicest Dr in the practice and loved kids so it had been sad to see him so upset.

This is complete and utter bollocks. No way should the OP go make a grovelling apology. Watermelon is a food and she was clearly referring to it in that matter. The complaining client was trying to cause trouble, and clearly some people are so frightened of being seen as racist they'll go along with it. The OPs manager should have told the client to pull their head in.

If they have escalated this then I would guess that there is more to it than just the watermelon remark. And possibly more than you are aware of. I am black and what I have learned is that this racist system affects us all in various ways and in ways that we sometimes just don't realise because it is so implicit in our societal and workplace structures. It is actually quite hard to break out of it (and very painful).

You may be correct in your estimation that they are being oversensitive (institutionalised racism will do that to you) or there may be something for you to look at. Or both.

I agree with others about not telling them about your black associates or family because this is a defensive argument that people often use when they are being racist.

Happy to explain.

Not being able to play the piano means that you’ve never been inclined to learn how to play the piano - it’s a choice, not a disability.

Having an ND condition which causes difficulty in your everyday life is a disability, not a choice.

The word disabled does not mean completely unable, as you clearly seem to think. HTH.

It sounds as though you've bought into submission. Looking for a pat on the back and a "well done" from the group you're trying to appease. Heads up: you'll be waiting a long time.

The OP should absolutely not apologise. Did she have malicious intent ? No. Did she use a widely accepted racist slur ? No. Did her commenting a child eating watermelon have anything to do with the colour of the child's skin ? Course it fucking didn't.

She's the victim here and needs to stand up for herself, rather than being stamped upon by someone with an agenda. It's wrong. And you're wokery will be the cause of your own demise

Agree. I’ve been on several MN threads where a poster has revealed a condition causing reading comprehension issues it’s been heartening to see the support they’ve received in the spirit of inclusivity. I find it difficult to believe on a thread discussing prejudice and discrimination, that someone could post in such an unthinking and discriminatory way.

@SquashedMallow excellent post.

I've stopped playing those games now. I'm not performing self-hatred for anyone, it's nonsense.