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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex didn't pick eldest up from school, have i done something wrong here?

128 replies

BookArt55 · 02/05/2025 19:24

So today is the second time dad is picking the kids up from school and nursery and having them for two nights since a lives with order in my favour was put in place and dad has spends a time order.

School pickup is 3.15pm. I get a call at 3.45pm from school saying they've called dad, no answer, can I get my eldest. Off I go. Once I have the eldest I message dad. He messages back saying eldest should be in afterschool club despite never, ever having attended on a Friday. By this time I've automatically driven to nursery, i wait outside until dad agrees I can pick youngest up, so I do.

By this point we should go straight to the kid's favourite club, so I start driving there to be told by dad that I need to meet him at our handover location as they have a bbq to get to. I raise the kid's club and was told again to go straight to handover location. So I do, the kid's miss their club, I hand the kids over.

Kids cried when daddy didn't pick them up as I had this time (following previous advice from here) kept it very simple; daddy was picking them up and I would see them after their time with daddy. I thought it was a foolproof explanation...
They cried they weren't going to their club, again it is because I have to pack their bags this morning with the uniform so they knew already (dad won't supply his own uniform).

Dad is now saying that I should have known his work schedule has changed and booked afterschool club, and now wants me to book and pay for it. We communicate on a parenting app, he has never said this. I also don't need childcare on a Friday afterschool so I don't think I should organise or pay. He also hadn't informed the school or afterschool club. The first Friday pick up from school since the court was out in place, dad picked eldest up from the classroom, no problem, they got youngest, then took them to their club. So not sure why there is a problem now... well I would assume control, causing chaos, forgot, napping, doesn't like running around after the kids doing kid things... but then I'm being cynical.

Should I have handed the kids over? I think so because it is a court order even if he didn't pick eldest up.

He pays CMS, but that doesn't mean i should pay for his childcare on his days, right?

I took everyone's advice and didn't take the blame. I told the children a simple, child friendly explanation which did include a lot of 'i don't know the answer to that question.'

OP posts:
hettie · 02/05/2025 19:26

No, you shouldn't pay childcare on his court ordered days

MereNoelle · 02/05/2025 19:30

Why on earth does he think you should pay for the childcare on his court ordered days?!

Macey9 · 02/05/2025 19:30

No, I assume the order specifies he collects them from school, or a time? If he needs childcare on his time he needs to organise it.

I guess if this is a regular thing maybe the club needs to be cancelled if he’s not taking them.

I hope things smooth out for you

Eastermuppet · 02/05/2025 19:33

Of course you are not wrong. My ex was a nightmare so I paid for a childminder on his days, I shouldn't have to have done that but it was worth it for my sanity.

ThinWomansBrain · 02/05/2025 19:34

Surely if he is due to pick them up and doesn't bother to, you pick them up and take them home or wherever - not ferry them around as if you are exh's personal chauffer?

PicaK · 02/05/2025 19:34

You're doing the martyr thing again. All this hand wringing.
He's an idiot. You know this. You say to him to sort out his Friday childcare as its court ordered. You send 1 text to remind him on Friday morning. Then when school rings you point out he's with the dad.

BakelikeBertha · 02/05/2025 19:35

I would simply message him and say, 'The Court says you have the children from (whatever time), after that time, ANY care needed by you, is down to you to organise and pay for, as while they are in your care, they are YOUR responsibility.'

Cerialkiller · 02/05/2025 19:36

I'm hoping that he's just feckless and is being dickish because he forgot and doesn't want to admit it. The alternative is more worrying and sinister.

No don't pay. I would make it clear to him that you won't be paying but keep it very short. No arguing about the details. If he genuinely thinks this is your fault then there's no reasoning with him anyway. Sorry you are in this position and I hope this is just a blip after a change in circumstances.

Blackdow · 02/05/2025 19:36

Do not book or pay for the club. Tell him his schedule has nothing to do with you and he needs to arrange and fund his own childcare. If he ever fails to collect again and you get called, you take them home and tell him he can see them again on his next court ordered contact.

IveGotAnUnusuallyLargePelvisISwear · 02/05/2025 19:37

He needs to manage his childcare responsibilities and pay for them.

Do you think he genuinely expects you to meekly go along with his demands or do you think he’s expecting you to kick off so he can feel like he’s winning by being “reasonable” (in his mind only, he’s a fucking prick)?

Eccythumpy · 02/05/2025 19:38

No fucking way.
Im furious for you and your DC.
What a cunt he is.

Gymmum82 · 02/05/2025 19:38

No I would not book nor pay for after school club on his days. Can you move their favourite club? Because you know damn well they won’t be going if that’s his day. He should want to be a good dad. But he isn’t. The kids shouldn’t miss out

CountryQueen · 02/05/2025 19:39

I wouldn’t have answered the phone until after their club. No signal. Shame.

Gymmum82 · 02/05/2025 19:40

I wouldn’t have even communicated that he forgot his children. I would have just fetched them and taken them to their clubs. Once he contacted me I would have told him he missed his contact time and he could see them next week

CheshireDing · 02/05/2025 19:40

Why did you go to the club, then leave the club without going and go to the hand over point ? Surely if it's you doing the picking up and he 'conveniently' didn't answer the phone when school rang you take the DC to where you want. Not his stupid bbq.

i would have picked up, gone to the club, not rang him. It was his pick up day as court order, school rang him, he didn't answer. He had enough chances today to have his time with the DC, he's is messing them about.

FlippyKiYayFlippyFlipper · 02/05/2025 19:43

Gymmum82 · 02/05/2025 19:40

I wouldn’t have even communicated that he forgot his children. I would have just fetched them and taken them to their clubs. Once he contacted me I would have told him he missed his contact time and he could see them next week

Yes I think this is the way to go in future.

absolutely no way should you be organising childcare on his days.

I’d also prepare the kids for his fuck ups as far as he can. Something along the lines of ‘this is a new routine and it will take some time for daddy to get used to it’.

agree with another poster - what a cunt he is.

💐

LurkyMcLurkinson · 02/05/2025 19:46

You’ve done the right thing in not denying him contact. I would however consider whether you needed to drop them to him, as if he fails to collect the kids I think it’s fair he has to come to wherever you are if you’ve had to step in because of his errors. You’ve also done the right thing in saying it’s not on you to arrange and pay for childcare for his days when he’s not available, so stay firm in that regard. Moving forwards I’d recommend you seek support from a domestic abuse agency to help you navigate any post separation abuse. It’s also very important you keep a diary of all the dickhead moves he’s making, as it’s all great evidence, and keep the school and nursery as up to date as possible so they can support the children and provide information if needed in the future for further court proceedings.

Ex didn't pick eldest up from school, have i done something wrong here?
Ponderingwindow · 02/05/2025 19:49

If it’s his time he is supposed to take care of everything. He books and pays for care. He provides clothing. He deals with any conflicts that arise with work and his parenting responsibilities.

Thisisittheapocalypse · 02/05/2025 19:53

It's his time to cover and pay for if he can't do it himself.

Stand firm.

It's why you went to court.

OminousFlute · 02/05/2025 19:53

What does the order say about when his contact day begins? Is it at 3.15pm? What does it say about holidays - and what does it say about when the child is ill and not at school? Would he expect you to look after a sick child on his day?

Delphiniumandlupins · 02/05/2025 19:55

I'm sorry for your poor DC and for you. You're obviously doing the best you can for the children. He isn't.

Neveragain35 · 02/05/2025 20:03

You are absolutely in the right- sounds like the kind of thing my ex would have done. The problem is that in his eyes you are the default parent and always will be. So if he can’t have them for whatever reason, in his mind it’s up to you to pick up the slack. Don’t do it!

As others have said, just tell hom he needs to book after school club. Anything after that is up to him.

Reminds me of the way my ex STILL hasn’t set up an account to pay for school dinners at DD’s school on his days- she’s in Y10!! He keeps saying he doesn’t know how to set it up despite the fact that I’ve sent him the link and he has the school phone number- it’s not hard!

notadrift · 02/05/2025 20:05

He planned to ruin your bank holiday weekend.

getthingsdone · 02/05/2025 20:15

Gymmum82 · 02/05/2025 19:40

I wouldn’t have even communicated that he forgot his children. I would have just fetched them and taken them to their clubs. Once he contacted me I would have told him he missed his contact time and he could see them next week

This.

mumuseli · 02/05/2025 20:25

I’m sorry that you and the kids have to deal with this. :(